23/09/2025
This is an article worth sharing , hoping we can learn lessons from it. This is written by my good Indonesian friend Professor Robert Oloan Rajagukguk. He teaches Psychology in a University and a fellow alumni of Haggai Institute in Maui Hawaii U.S.A. way back in 2014.
Why Social Media Feeds Our Narcissism: Kohut’s Psychology in the Digital Age
We live in an era where a selfie can spark admiration from strangers, influencers become role models overnight, and belonging is measured in followers and likes. Many critics conclude: “This is the age of narcissism.” But if we look deeper, the rise of self-centered behaviors on social media isn’t just about vanity—it’s about basic human needs.
The psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut, founder of self psychology, identified three core psychological needs that shape how our sense of self develops: mirroring, idealizing, and twinship. These needs don’t vanish when we grow up; they simply take new forms. And in today’s world, social media has become the primary arena where we try to meet them—for better and for worse.
1. The Craving for Mirroring: “Do You See Me?”
From childhood, we long to be noticed, admired, and delighted in. A baby beams when a parent smiles back—it’s the earliest form of psychological mirroring. As adults, that longing doesn’t disappear. Social media has simply digitized it.
Every post, story, or reel is a call for recognition: “Do I matter? Do you see me?” Likes and comments become instant affirmations. When engagement is high, we feel validated. When it’s low, we may feel invisible or rejected.
This endless cycle makes self-esteem fragile. Social media offers quick hits of validation, but it also magnifies rejection. The constant up-and-down fuels what psychologists call narcissistic vulnerability—grandiosity when admired, emptiness when ignored.
2. The Hunger for Idealizing: “I Need Someone to Look Up To”
Children look to caregivers for strength and stability: “You are great, and by being close to you, I feel strong too.” In adulthood, we still crave figures to admire and emulate. Social media provides them in abundance: celebrities, influencers, entrepreneurs, lifestyle gurus.
These figures don’t just entertain us. They act as “idealized selfobjects”—psychological anchors that lend us a sense of direction and strength. Following them, buying their products, or copying their routines feels like sharing in their greatness.
But idealization online is fragile. Idols can disappoint, scandals can erupt, and fans can turn from worship to outrage in a heartbeat. (Think of cancel culture—it’s often the collapse of idealization.) For influencers themselves, the pressure to stay admirable fuels perfectionism and anxiety. Behind polished feeds are often people terrified of slipping out of admiration.
3. The Search for Twinship: “I Just Don’t Want to Be Alone”
The third need is the desire for likeness and belonging: “I am not alone; I am like others.” Social media thrives on this. Viral memes, hashtags, fandoms, and online communities offer instant twinship. Sharing a dance trend or meme signals: “We’re in this together.”
At its best, this creates genuine solidarity. People struggling with mental health, identity, or niche interests can find communities that understand them.
But twinship online can be shallow and conditional. Belonging may depend on performing trends, curating the right image, or joining in collective outrage. Being unfollowed, ghosted, or excluded can feel like a deep wound. This makes belonging powerful—but fragile.
4. Why All This Fuels Narcissism
When we put these dynamics together, it becomes clear:
Mirroring is now quantified in likes and comments.
Idealizing is amplified by influencer culture.
Twinship is globalized through viral trends and online communities.
The issue isn’t that these needs exist—they are deeply human. The problem is that social media delivers them in ways that are quick, shallow, and unstable. The validation fades. Idols collapse. Communities fracture.
As a result, many people lean on narcissistic defenses: exaggerating their importance, performing for attention, suppressing vulnerability, or lashing out when their fragile self feels threatened. That doesn’t mean everyone online has narcissistic personality disorder. But it does mean our culture encourages narcissistic traits—grandiosity, envy, performance-based self-worth, and fragile self-esteem.
5. Meeting Our Needs Beyond the Screen
If Kohut is right, then the rise of narcissism isn’t simply a moral failure. It’s a symptom of unmet psychological needs—magnified by the digital age. The challenge isn’t to deny these needs but to meet them more deeply.
For mirroring: Seek affirmation in relationships where you are valued for who you are, not just what you post.
For idealizing: Look up to mentors and role models in real life, not just curated influencers.
For twinship: Cultivate belonging in offline communities—friendships, family, faith circles, or local groups—where connection isn’t conditional on performance.
Final Thought
Social media isn’t inherently harmful. It reflects how deeply human our needs are: to be seen, to admire, and to belong. But when these needs are outsourced to fragile digital platforms, we risk building our identities on sand.
Perhaps the invitation of our time is this: to use social media consciously, while also investing in relationships and communities that offer lasting validation, genuine role models, and deep belonging. That’s not just the antidote to narcissism—it’s the path to a stronger, more resilient self.
(ROR-Sept.21, 2025)
