27/05/2024
"Damn you are 28!"
That is both a funny and scary statement.
Just watched Friends from start to end and that made me say that same paragraph.
It got me thinking: I was born at 96' and now it's 24", like damn. I graduated college at 19" which I was 22 and realized, 6 years in college, huh? Did I just really waste 6 years in a damn University just to be like this? Just to be someone who creates for someone and just remain a nobody, a person within the obscurity.
Friends made me realize one big flaw in my thinking, I am contented. F**K THAT! I AM NOT!
I graduated from a private school but all my grades where below average, there were people who believed in me but all I did was waste all that just because I didn't want to ruin my contentment. I even suppressed all of my feelings: love, sadness, anger just so my contentment would not be ruined. I live a high time life of lie convincing myself that everything was ok. BUT IT WAS FREAKING NOT OKAY, it never will be.
Am I growing? Am I becoming a better person? Am I suffering? Shockingly all those answers was a no. I never thought into account everything that has happened into my life and I only ever focused on the good things not the bad, I've become conceited. The worst part it all started when I was young it all started when I first ran away from responsibility when I injured a friend. I didn't hate myself for doing such act, I was just scared of the repercussions which never came and all I felt was gladness, not sorry this made me realize how despicable of a human I am. No emotions, nothing, almost like a sociopath.
Now I regret all that I have done, but it's too late to atone, too late to ask for forgiveness. There is nothing for me to change the past because everyone has moved forward, I on the otherhand is left in the past just in the murky water sinking ever so slightly.
Now I am filled of what if's:
- What if I never ran away and helped you
- What if I tried to be better and improved my grades
- What if rather than running away because I learned of having a chance with my first love, I'd taken her hand and made her happy
- What if I entered the military
- What if I failed military and became a vet
- What if rather than be mediocre with my current skillset I gave my best
- What if instead of asking this what ifs I did it all before having this what ifs
And you know what the what ifs are over, nothing to turn to but move forward.
What I'm trying to say is: If you are reading this, every decision will make you regret something so might as well choose the regret where I can say: Yes I did that but I will do that again or the best regret I could've ever made
And yes, I only watched a 10 years series called "Friends" but that show damn made me realize a lot of things. So...
