05/10/2025
my parents offered to make me a school boy of my mol/ster once, and it still kind of stings to this day
i was SAd(S/X/UAL) by 3 people as a kid, and one of them was our elementary school principal.
Tanda ko nung grade 1, parang every month, our principal would check our haircut and fingernails. Pag sinukat na yung buhok mo mas mahaba sa sukat, lalagyan ka ng poknat sa ulo tapos hahampasin nang stick yung kamay mo pag mahaba yung kuko. Pero never napalo yung kamay ko kahit na minsan, medyo mahaba yung kuko ko.
Malapit lang yung bahay namin sa school, kaya usually naglalakad lang ako pauwi tuwing tanghali. Pero may mga times na hindi na ako umuuwi kasi minsan nadadatnan ko yung principal namin ssa gate, tapos sasabihin niyang wag na umuwi kasi sagot niya na yung lunch ko. Tapos after lunch, pinapatulog niya kami doon sa room niya sa principal office dalawa kami ni james, kasi 1:30 pm pa naman yung unang subject sa hapon. Tuwing may handaan or event yung school, pinapapunta niya kami sa principal office tapos papakainin.
I think my mind blocked some early memories of him doing things with me, all i could remember was waking up after us sleeping together and everything else looks hazy and indistinguishable.
the only memory i have of him doing things to me that i cant forget (unfortunately) was during grade 4. Buwan ng wika ata yun tapos may district contest at naghahanap sila ng contestant na kakanta ng classical. Nagulat na lang ako na merong dalawa silang kinoconsider — yung babae kong kaklase na laging kinukuha sa singing contest mula grade 1 kami, at ako na walang ka expi-experience and etc. And surprise..urprise ako yung napili kasi yung principal pala namin yung magcocoah.
I could never forget that one time, pinatawag niya ako sa office para mag praktis daw. His hands would softly touch me everywhere, hangang umabot yung pisil pisil sa hita ko, papunta sa hinanarap ko. I could still remember how i feel that time, sobrang init, tapos sobrang kaba na di ko alam. He would then encourage me to touch him too, ginaguide niya yung kamay ko papunta sa naka open na zipper niya.......................... i dont want to be too graphic
We were in that kind of moment ng biglang pumasok yung head teacher, tapos bigla niyang kinuha yung kamay ko, sobrang kaba ko pa nun. To cut the story short, di kami nahuli. Tinanong lang ng head teacher kung ano yung ginagawa ko dun sa office, tapos sinabi nung principal na contestant sa classical, medyo nagulat pa siya nun na ako yung kinuha, kasi mas kilala talaga yung babae kong kaklase na magaling kumanta.
Fast forwaerd when i was in high school, in case i havent mentioned it yet, we were dirt poor. Halos yung tanim na gulay na lang talaga ni nanay, at pagbebenta ng mga scrap metal and electric wire yung bumubuhay sa amin. And that principal would always come to me and offer to be his school boy but i kept ignoring and avoiding him as much as possible. Instead of accepting my refusal, what he did instead was constantly talk to my father, i think he was trying to get in good terms with my father until that time na my parents was asking me in his stead na magpa school boy na lang daw ako, pero di talaga ako pumayag.
Now, you would question me, why does it still stings when i never told anyone and my parents didnt know what he did to me. But you know, this guy is known for his p**o stuff, it's like an open secret at this point. He even had a previous school boy who robbed him, pero di niya makasuhan kasi irereport din siya ng parents kasi nagsumbong na he was treated as his "boytoy".
Ngayon ko lang na realize how lowkey fcked up it was. Imagine, offering your son to a predator. Kahit medyo naiintindihan ko yung position ng parents ko at that time, kasi anim din kaming magakakapatid, it was the desperate times that propelled them that decision and i already forgave them and still love them very much.
even tho sometimes, you know, it still kinda stings. I feel so fcking alone. I cant tell them how many times i was SAd as a kid, and two of them was our neighbour.
I used to store these trauma in my "do not open box" and think it wouldnt affect me, and that i am safe. Surprise.. surprise it's not a fcking good idea. I didnt know when or where it was, but somehow, everything comes crashing down and i have no idea what hit me. Im going insane. This desolate isolation is suffocating me. I have no friends because im so fcked up and awkward which makes social skill non existent.
i dont even know why im writing this. im just hoping every night i would not wake up the next morning. But the sun is still there, and im still here, i dont want to be fcking here. Why am i here. Now im just mumbling nonsense.
I cant even remember what pushed me to write this s**t. Thank you for reading btw even tho iknow i will just end up deleting this tomorrow.
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