24/10/2025
WHEN EMPATHY BECOMES A TRAP
LEARNING THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "helping" and "losing yourself"
⸻
The Heart That Hurts to Help
Some of the most empathetic people stay in abusive or unhealthy relationships — not because they don’t see what’s happening, but because they do.
They recognize that their partner grew up abused, neglected, or unloved, and they don’t want to cause them more pain.
They justify mistreatment by saying things like,
“They’ve already been through so much,”
“I don’t want to hurt them like others have,”
or “If I just love them harder, maybe it’ll get better.”
I know this pattern well — because I was that person.
⸻
The Fixer I Didn’t Know I Was
I didn’t walk into that relationship with my eyes closed; I walked in with my heart wide open.
Naive? Maybe. But more than that — I was trained to fix, to care, to hold, and to rescue.
Even as a teenager, I found myself in friendships where I gave more than I received. I was drawn to people in pain because I wanted to make things better.
It looked kind and compassionate on the surface — and in some ways, it was — but underneath, it was my way of earning worth and avoiding rejection.
Helping someone is beautiful — until it comes at the cost of abandoning yourself.
Love and sacrifice aren’t the same thing as self-erasure.
When we silence our own needs, manage everyone’s emotions, and confuse enabling with empathy, we lose sight of what love actually looks like — healthy, mutual, and safe.
⸻
The Tornado of Codependency
I didn’t have the language for it back then, but I was living in a tornado of emotional confusion.
I became the emotional caretaker, the peacekeeper, the one who “understood” — and over time, I lost my voice entirely.
When I did speak up, I was ignored.
When I was vulnerable, it was weaponized.
When I asked for change, I was made to feel guilty.
I started to believe I was the problem. I felt resentful, confused, and emotionally exhausted — constantly questioning,
“Am I going crazy?”
⸻
The Savior Complex
The truth is, I stayed because I understood his pain. I knew his childhood story — the abandonment, the wounds — and I was determined not to be “one more person who left.”
But that compassion turned into a “savior” mindset. I thought I could love him into healing.
What I didn’t realize was that by staying, I wasn’t saving him — I was enabling him.
Empaths often confuse compassion with responsibility.
But someone else’s healing is not your job.
⸻
The Hard Truth About Healing
Here’s what I’ve learned:
You can’t love someone into wholeness.
No amount of empathy or sacrifice can heal a person who isn’t ready to heal themselves.
And while you may not have to leave the relationship, you do have to start your own healing.
Because if you don’t, your unhealed wounds will keep pulling you into the same tornado — just with different faces and familiar pain.
⸻
Coming Home to Yourself
If this resonates with you, please hear me — you’re not broken for loving deeply.
But it’s time to redirect that love inward.
You can care deeply and still have boundaries.
You can show compassion without becoming someone’s emotional crutch.
You can be empathetic and empowered.
If you’re ready to begin that healing work, I’d love to walk alongside you.
Together, we can help you come back to yourself — or maybe meet the version of you that got lost along the way.
BECAUSE YOUR FUTURE DOESN'T HAVE TO LOOK LIKE YOUR PAST.
