15/04/2025
I’m sharing my current cancer journey, but I’m not open to advice at this time, and I prefer not to discuss religion on social media. I keep that part of my life to myself. Thank you for understanding.
I didn’t make a wish for my birthday on April 7, but I have one for my birth month. I hope and wish that next week will be the final cycle of chemotherapy, and that it will go smoothly and quickly.
The first cycle went well, and it made me realize just how fragile life can be. It was the first time I felt extremely anxious, to the point where I couldn't eat and was vomiting non-stop.
The second cycle marked the beginning of more challenges. My nerves kept flaring up, and they had to replace and reposition the IV six times. I developed a trauma response to the injections and the anti-nausea/acid/vomiting drugs, which only increased my anxiety. Every time I would receive an injection or get the anti-nausea and allergy medications via IV, it made me feel more nauseous and I vomited even more.
The third cycle was an extreme challenge. The trauma intensified, and it felt like I was in a prison. I would go to the bathroom and look out the window, trying to see the outside. The anxiety kept growing, and it felt like I was losing my mind. The silence made me feel so lonely, and even the smallest sound would irritate me. It felt like I was on the brink of insanity. My appetite was almost non-existent—I would only eat rice once a day, and sometimes I’d skip meals because the anti-nausea drugs made it worse.
During outpatient chemotherapy, the sessions last for about an hour. I didn't know what to do with myself. I tried listening to music, but when the anti-nausea and allergy medications kicked in, I felt even worse. It was hard to escape the anxiety, and I just wanted to go home so badly.
For the upcoming fourth cycle, I’m anxious about what will happen next. If the PET scan results after the last cycle are good, it’ll be a relief, but there’s always the fear of disappointment. I try to stay positive, but if the results aren’t what I’m hoping for, the disappointment will be 5-10 times harder. If I think negatively, it feels like I’m preparing for the worst and living with anxiety every day until the results come in.
It’s hard to decide whether to stay positive or negative in this situation.
I just hope I don’t lose my mind during the upcoming fourth cycle. I can’t imagine what will happen next…
