26/09/2023
This is my medicine.
(Not pictured medicines: friends/family, therapy, exercise, sleep and meditation.)
I wanted to write a little bit about the fact that after 20 years of feeling very strongly that it was not the path I needed to take…I have tried medication for the first time. For the first time in months I can feel myself again- my joy, my optimism and my laughter are among some of the precious parts of myself I have rediscovered. They sit at my soul’s table, along with my sweet sadness and my tender anxiety…who, by the way, aren’t the only ones talking anymore. It is a profound, holy relief.
For those who don’t understand it or have never dealt with it, from the inside of depression and anxiety sometimes you can’t see the possibility of a way out, much less the path itself.
For the past year, I felt desperate and overwhelmed almost all the time. The amount of energy it took to “manage” my emotions (I use that term loosely because that makes me seem like I had a handle on anything) would exhaust me so much that my whole sense of myself got distorted. I didn’t feel like me anymore.
Depression is not rational. It does not respond to “I have so much to be grateful for”, or “just concentrate on the good things”. I have moved through depression and anxiety many times in my life , but this time I needed extra help.
I had SO MANY FEELINGS about it. “What am I trying to suppress?” “Am I taking a short cut instead of doing the work?” “I’m afraid I won’t recognize myself anymore.”
For me, the truth was that this medicine helped me see myself again, without the cloak of depression and anxiety. I remember myself.
I am lucky to be surrounded by INCRIDIBLE family (I love you all) and angelic friends who have listened, lifted up, comforted and encouraged me to do what needs to be done to feel better. It ultimately came down to me though. This was more than I could hold on my own.
I was blessed with a breaking point. So let it all break open…so it can be reassembled to be stronger than before. Keep going. Begin Again.
🌱❤️
-CTTO
