25/02/2025
HE HAS NO PLANS TO MARRY ME
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 8 years.
We started off as friends until we became College sweethearts. Some would say, we were matched made in heaven.
He was an ideal guy, Jervin Cordovez. He had always been that loving boyfriend, kind, charismatic and endearing. He almost have it all except for one thing.
He's incapable of getting out in his comfort zone. In other words, he's still afraid of commiting in a bigger responsibility by turning our relationship into marriage.
Unlike me, who's really open and vocal with our future together. Nagmukha na nga akong obsessed kakadaldal tungkol sa kasal naming dalawa.
For eight years of being together, I could already envision myself wearing a wedding gown as I walked slowly down the aisle while he is waiting for me in a black tuxedo beside the altar. I could already picture the both of us having a happy and contented family.
Obsessed as it may sound but darn, I've never been so sure with anyone, not until I met Jervin.
Our future has already planned out in my mind. In fact, I already invested my money for the expenses of our wedding.
'Yung approval na lang ni Jervin ang hinihingi ko.
"Love, ano kayang feeling ng maikasal no?" pasaring ko sa kaniya.
From having a winsome face, Jervin's look turned into a sour one; which I expected already.
"Love, work na ako, ha?" he swiftly diverted the topic.
I swallowed hard and kept the disappointment within myself.
"S-Sure," namalat ang boses ko. "Ingat ka sa work mo, ha? I love you." I gave him a peck on his cheeks before he went to his work.
Nang makaalis siya ay hindi ko maiwasang panikipan ng dibdib. This is usually the response I'd get whenever I open up something about marriage.
The sagging of his shoulders, how he avoided my gaze and how his mood changed into a bad one were all enough signs that he's not yet ready to talk about it.
But would you blame me for being so demanding?
Hell, we've been in a relationship for eight years and we are no longer kids to settle in a petty relationship. At bilang babae, gusto ko rin na kahit papaano ay makatanggap ako ng assurance galing sa kaniya.
But no, he still kept on dodging the topic whenever I open up the word "marriage".
And as time went by, it was my first time to be shouted by the man I dearly love.
"Hindi ka ba nakakaintindi? Sabi ko namang hindi pa ako ready diba? You are pressuring me, Cath! You are suffocating me!" angal niya.
As a soft hearted person as I am, tears silently dripped across my cheeks.
For the first time in years, Jervin just raised his voice at me.
And I'd never thought that it would be the starting point of how our happy relationship turned into a rocky one.
"Love, may surprise ako sa 'yo," I told him happily from the other line.
The happiness that I felt was only a shortlived moment because an unknown woman answered my call.
"H-Hello?" she responded.
"Who are you?" Coldness dripped my voice.
"Ahmm.. bestfriend pala 'to ni Jervin," she quickly supplied.
Bestfriend? As far as I could remember, wala pang naikwentong babae sa akin si Jervin.
"Oh, nasaan pala ang boyfriend ko?" I kept my voice steady as if I wasn't affected by her presence.
"May work pa siya, ate. Iniwan niya lang 'yong phone sa desk niya, so I picked it up na lang."
Napatango na lang ako atsaka ibinaba ang tawag.
Kahit puno ng pagdududa ang utak ko, mas pinili kong magtiwala kay Jervin. Para saan pa ang eight years kung simpleng bagay ay bibigyan ko ng malisya, diba?
I tried to confront Jervin if who is the girl and I've got the same answer.
They are just bestfriends. No malice.
—
Months rolled up so fast and unexpectedly, naging close kami ng bestfriend ni Jervin. Her name is Airene.
She has a soft personality, she's naive in all ways and always been gentle-mannered.
Naging reporter ko siya kung anong ginagawa ni Jervin sa office nila hanggang sa...
"Cath, I saw Jervin with someone else," she reported from the other line.
Biglang bumigat ang paghinga ko.
"S-Sino?" I stuttered.
I heard her sighed. "Likod lang ng babae ang nakita ko, eh. But don't worry, aalamin ko kung sino 'yon."
With that statement of hers, she earned my trust.
Naging partner in crime kaming dalawa ni Airene. She kept on giving me reports about this unknown girl that Jervin is seeing with.
Pero hanggang ngayon, hindi niya pa rin binibigay sa akin ang name. Hindi pa rin namin nahuhuli ang babae ni Jervin.
Hanggang sa...
"Cath, can I open up something?" Airene said upon calling me through phone.
"Ano ba 'yon, bes?" I asked, my ears ready to listen with her rants.
I heard her taking a deep sigh before she spoke.
"Ang sakit lang no? Na 'yong mahal niyo ang isa't-isa at pwede maging kayo, pero pinipigilan mo lang para sa isang tao."
That clenched my heart.
There, she cried silently.
Doon pa lang sa sinabi niya, alam ko na. Kinutuban na talaga ako hanggang sa naramdaman ko na lang ang pagbagsak ng mga luha ko.
I smiled weakly.
Now, I realized why we couldn't catch Jervin's sidechic because the woman who's helping me to find the suspect is the suspect all along.
Nice tactic.
Why didn't I see this coming?
I am a smart woman and I even had a degree in Psychology but I failed to notice Cath's hidden agenda.
I wiped my tears and responded to her question.
"Pwede mo namang iparamdam 'yong nararamdaman mo, pero hindi mo pwedeng ipilit ang gusto mo. Not unless kung makapal talaga ang mukha mo," I said sarcastically.
With that, hindi ko na siya hinintay na makasagot atsaka ko ibinaba ang tawag.
Upon ending the call, tears continued flowing down my cheeks.
Nang makauwi si Jervin galing trabaho, I wanted to confront him.
But I don't have the courage to ask. This useless mouth of mine can't utter a single word in front of his smile.
Why am I like this? Whenever I had a chance, I can't grab it. Is it because I'm afraid of his answer? Or is it because I already knew the answer.
Weeks passed by and I just told myself I'll get over it. I convinced myself to just slip everything away until my heart grew tired of staying in his well-composed lies and well-kept act of cheating.
Everything happened so quickly and in just a snap, Jervin disappeared with no words being left with me.
When his birthday came, kinapalan ko na talaga ang mukha ko at pumunta sa kanila.
There, I've seen Airene and Jervin.
Both of them were surprised upon my presence. Even Jervin's family also had the same reaction.
So, alam na rin pala ng parents ni Jervin? Open na agad si Airene sa family niya? Nice.
Mas lalong nanikip ang dibdib ko.
I didn't know how I managed to compose myself and walked closer to them.
I looked at Airene and I swallowed the lump in my throat as tears threatened to fall from my eyes
"Honestly, I asked him almost everyday about you and he would always tell me to not be worried because you were just a dear friend. But the moment that he lied about being with you, I knew that it was YOU all along."
Bawat katagang binibitawan ko ay siyang pagbagsak ng aking mga luha.
"Well played, Airene. Congrats! Nabilog mo ako doon." I faked a laugh.
Napatingin ako sa gawi ni Jervin at hindi siya makatingin nang diretso sa akin.
"I-I'm sorry..." he whispered. "I'm sorry for falling out of love."
I just smiled weakly.
"I don't see the mistake of falling out of love, Jervin." Hinayaan ko lang ang mga luha kong bumagsak sa pisngi ko atsaka mapait na napangiti.
"Alam mo 'yong mali? It is when you did not close our relationship properly. If you already find our relationship toxic, then at least close it properly rather than being with another woman first."
Napaiwas lamang ng tingin sa akin si Jervin habang si Airene naman ay nakayuko ang ulo.
Natawa na lang ako ng mahina habang patuloy pa rin ako sa pagluha.
"People always tell me that I deserve better, but I know I've had the best and anyone who comes after will be compared to you, Jerv. And that's what I'm scared of the most. Because I will keep on looking for you, in the faces of other people. You were my home, Jervin. And I'm homesick for two arms that no longer want to hold me."
I wiped my tears away and stared at the both of them.
"Honestly, my heart is still not ready to let go, Jervin. But I was left with no choice because I already saw you now moving on with your new life with her."
There, Airene is now in tears as guilt started creeping out in her eyes.
Napatingin ako kay Jervin atsaka ako napangiti.
"Jerv, if one day we cross paths again, I hope you'd remember all the good memories that we had. I hope you'd remember me as someone who completed you for eight years. This is my gift for you, love. I will now give you the forgiveness and happiness you asked."
I wiped my tears and smiled weakly.
"This is me forgiving you for all the promises you broke. This is me wishing for your happiness."
With tears in my eyes, I gave the box to Airene and inside of it was a wedding dress that I bought for our supposed to be wedding.
Tinanggap ito ni Airene at muli akong napaluha.
"Take care of him, okay? Advanced happy wedding to the both of you."
Hindi na kinaya ng dibdib ko ang sakit atsaka ako napatalikod.
And that's how our story ended. Airene gave birth and they got married right after. And I was left there, hanging and asking myself where did I go wrong. Somehow, Jervin managed to permanently destroy a small part of me.
For eight years of being with him, he showed no interest in proposing me. No engagement. No signs of marriage.
Yet with just one year, he married and got a family with the girl he only known for two months.
As I move forward, there I've realized that it's not about who comes first or who stayed beside you for too long. Even if you try to be the right one, if he doesn't see you as his wife, he'll never keep you.
Too bad, I was already late for me to realize that a man already knows if a woman is worth marrying in just a span of weeks or even months.
And I'm not that girl.
Sa akin lang siya nagtagal pero hindi ako ang babaeng nakikita niyang pakakasalan.
Natagpuan ko lang siya pero hindi ako sa kaniya nakatadhana.
