
18/07/2025
#๐๐๐๐
๐๐๐๐๐๐ | ๐๐ญ๐๐ซ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐๐ญ ๐ญ๐ก๐ ๐ก๐๐๐๐ฅ๐ข๐ ๐ก๐ญ๐ฌ
There's a certain humiliating element in being a new adult. You carry all the shallow confidence of an egg, hard on the outside but completely without foundation on the inside. Standing around, pretending you know what you're doing, where you're going, and ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ฐ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ข๐ณ๐ฆ.
Does every adult intuitively know how to walk the world on their own? That every step they take and words that come from their mouths sound so assured, like they have everything figured out?
Did I somehow miss a briefing, a meeting, or a talking-to? Did my adulting instruction manual get lost in the mail or destroyed in transit?
Because somehow, Iโve never felt grown up. My bones feel too small for my skin, legs shaking like a newborn deer, eyes wide in the face of individual responsibility. All of 21 years old, and I still feel like what I did at 12, fresh off of elementary school and trying my hardest to walk in the big shoes that high school life arrived with. My world did not change when everyone's did. ๐ ๐ฅ๐ช๐ฅ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต ๐จ๐ณ๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ต ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ๐ด ๐ข๐ฅ๐ถ๐ญ๐ต๐ด ๐ต๐ฐ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐ฎ๐ฆ ๐ ๐ธ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฅ.
They always told me that my fears of growing up would be unfounded. โPeople will help you.โ โYou will understand in time; maturity comes in waves.โ Yet every year that I blew out the flame was every year that I was barren of any wave. Instead, anxiety crawled like vines on my throat, slowly and steadily settling permanent thorns.
Now, instead of duty, it is the burden of my shortcomings that weighs heavy on my shoulders. With every condescending piece of advice or exasperated stare, it grows and grows until Iโm convincedโ๐ฏ๐ฐ, ๐ ๐ฌ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ธโitโs going to swallow me whole.
Suddenly itโs no longer encouragement but a mess of, โWhat do you mean you donโt know?โ โYou should have learned this long ago.โ โYou wasted your past, and now you are wasting your present.โ
I guess if I listen to it a certain way I could see the point, because what good will giving advice do to someone youโve already marked as a lost cause?
โPeople do not learn with softness, after all.โ They must be baptised with fire, that anyone who does not come out intact is unworthy.
๐๐ฆ๐ต๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ด๐ญ๐ข๐ฑ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฎ ๐ธ๐ช๐ต๐ฉ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ข๐ญ๐ช๐ต๐บ, ๐ช๐ด๐ฏโ๐ต ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ช๐ต ๐จ๐ฐ๐ฆ๐ด?
Sometimes I wonder if this is truly how it will always be, if the sinking feeling of dread is a forever thing. Most of me dreams that it will be better, but the back of my mind reigns louder still, โYou will never know, and isn't that damning to hear?โ
โโ
Written by Almond