28/02/2025
๐๐๐๐๐๐ผ๐๐ | ๐ถ๐ ๐ต๐๐ฟ๐๐ ๐๐ผ ๐ฏ๐ฒ ๐๐ผ๐บ๐ฒ๐๐ต๐ถ๐ป๐ด, ๐ถ๐โ๐ ๐๐ผ๐ฟ๐๐ฒ ๐๐ผ ๐ฏ๐ฒ ๐ป๐ผ๐๐ต๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐๐ถ๐๐ต ๐๐ผ๐.
the rain continuously banged on the yellow-tinted window panes of my room. my eyes constantly locked onto her photos, a smile of a ghost manifesting itself on the crumpled, almost ripped apart piece of photograph. her name, a name that was once a symbol of love for me, a promise that follows me everywhere just like how the wind serves as my path in life; now only resonates within the hole that she left in my heart. it has been days, weeks, months, and years since weโve last talked to each other. it started when your silence talked louder than the words that you whispered into my ears โ itโs official, iโm in love with summer โ sinking deeper into the lulling night, the cherished seconds of her touch, caressing my very own face, the sound of her sweet laughter, becomes a painful needle piercing through my epicardium, myocardium, and endocardium โ each layer is reminded that my love for you is still here, but it can never be pronounced as my own nevermore.
she remembers. she remembers every single moment how she was observed by this man, a mixed feeling of admiration and another thing that feels terrifying. one thing that she couldnโt figure out. she feels as if she was being shed of her own skin โ the epidermis: scratched until it shredded into little pieces. the dermis: cried as it was forcefully sliced like a steak on a dinner plate. and the hypodermis: melted upon the gaze of what seemed as her potential lover โ she always tries to avoid eye contact with him, anything just to feel safe from the intruding leer of a desperate man.
she takes a step back, with a pain visibly painted on her eyes, โi donโt like this uneasiness, but i love getting what i want, what i want to feel at your expenseโ, she thought. she feels this regret peeking within her peripheral vision which she then casts away from intentionally distancing herself from him โ an endless tango between never-ending reaching out for his comforting touch, and detachment from commitment.
she thinks sheโs a collector of words that are never said, caretaker of feelings that can never be expressed, building walls around her heart brick by brick, carefully engineered so no one can enter ever again. however, he who is a romantic, lives in a world wherein emotions are allowed to flourish into gardens of flowers. he who is a romantic sees vulnerability not as a sign of weakness and a warning not to enter, but an invitation for him to take care of who he deemed as loveable. he wore his heart like a jacket waiting for its rightful arms to drape upon to; she who is tempted by the warmth, is also afraid to be burned by it.
their relationship is like a blank white canvas, ready to be painted by their colors. they were complementary colors, coming from different perspectives of love; attachment and detachment. she was blue, and he was orange. he tries to come near her, and she goes even farther away from him. he offers his heart, and she responds with a rhetorical answer. even with the clear differences in their dynamic, they both agree upon a silent consensus: to accompany each other without attachments. an agreement that they swore to never talk about, a compromise that trespassed the fences of their hearts.
she remembered a night from summer, when the fragrant scent of each ylang-ylang flower lingered in the air. they sat beside each other in a waiting shed on the street, quiet yet it wasnโt discomforting; or so sheโd thought. his eyes met herโs once again, seeking an answer from her mystery, he asked for her response. he hesitated, and the thought of confronting her made his heart beat louder than the noise of carsโ exhausts and engines. she knows whatโs next to come from his lips, a question she no longer wants to run away from, and to erase the uncertainty between their interaction. but there is another, there is a part of him that prevents himself from possibly ending the things between them โ it hurts to be something, itโs worse to be nothing โ the act of self-preservation at the cost of his own mental state.
โdonโtโฆโ, she said abruptly, interrupting his mouth from continuing. โyouโre getting yourself in dangerโ, she immediately followed up. she said it more harshly than what she was intending to, hesitant yet decisive, undeniably scared and worried for him. โdonโt say anything.โ, her heart pounding as she knows he canโt handle the vulnerability of this manโs feelings presented to her. if she lets her in her heart, he would see how much of a chaos it is for her to truly love someone; worried that this man would know nothing anymore in life except to drown in her unruly love โ afraid that she might hurt him for truly loving him, and for him to leave after showing her true self just like any other guy would.
he agreed in silence and nodded down like a sad kid; unable to do anything but to accept what was imparted to him. the silence that followed was heavy, it was as if you could hear each otherโs thoughts deafening the surroundings, filled with unsaid words, and promises that will never be fulfilled. he realizes that the distance between them grows in that very exact moment; going back to each their own respective worlds. there is a deep regret filling up his cup. he, himself, made her pull away, the only person who could see him for who he is โ if a ghost is what i am to many, no one knows me like you know me.
her memory of him is a poison that slowly kills her, a remembrance of her self-sabotaging abilities. in her grave fright of feeling vulnerable, in the belief that she is undeserving of love, she pushed away the only person that offered her a genuine connection: free from greed, lust, obsession, and codependency. she chose to live in her bubble from a distance instead of giving into the rewards of intimacy despite its huge risks. she made a respectable decision to live in fear instead of love. in distracting herself, she indulged in what she knows best, to make art, even if that means she will always be reminded of him; a ghost that breathes and lives in art itself. no distractions could ever erase the truth of what could have been for them.
even if it is trivial for most people, something changed in her, subtle yet impactful. thereโs still that lingering pain. a reminder that she can love too like any other people do, even if itโs not perfect. she loved him and she still loves him. no label nor explanation needed. nothing can erase the truth that is engraved in her heart.
meanwhile, he realized love wasn't about possession or control. it wasn't about perfect timing or saying all the right things to save a sinking ship. it was about recognizing the connection, feeling that emotional connection between two lost souls. it was about remembering the warmth of a shared glance, the comfort in unusual silence, in moments that donโt need an explanation in order to be understood.
when they opened their eyes, the rain had stopped. the morning sun painted the sky with hope. the pain was still there but it didn't hurt anymore. it was a reminder of a love that had been, a love that was, a love that, in its way, would always be. they didn't need a label. they just needed to remember.
๐๐ณ๐ช๐ต๐ต๐ฆ๐ฏ ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ฃ๐บ: ๐ ๐ฆ๐ด๐ฉ๐ถ๐ข ๐๐ถ๐ฒ๐ถ๐ฆ๐ด
๐๐ถ๐ฃ๐ฎ๐ข๐ต: ๐๐บ๐ช๐ข๐ฏ ๐๐ช๐ญ๐ญ๐ข๐ฏ๐ถ๐ฆ๐ท๐ข
