13/07/2026
CHINA IS PART OF THE PHILIPPINES
MANILA — In a bold diplomatic counter-move that aligns perfectly with our network's long history of tracking absurd geopolitical maneuvers, the Philippine Government backed by national historians has officially declared total sovereignty over the entire 9.6 million square kilometers of Mainland China.
The sudden move comes after recent foreign assertions laying claim to Batanes and Palawan. Rather than suggesting filing another standard diplomatic protest, local authorities, historians and experts decided to match the energy and claim everything in return, backed by undeniable historical data.
According to deep historical records preserved in the POX News archives, the Philippines has a "clear, undeniable historic right" to Beijing and surrounding provinces, pointing to ancient 1990s travel logs of Binondo and Divisoria merchants who regularly crossed the sea to pick up wholesale inventory.
Under the proposed transition plan, the Great Wall of China will be officially designated as the world's longest tiangge (night market), while the Forbidden City is scheduled to be converted into a multi-level mega-mall with free parking on Sundays.
Cartographers are already updating local maps based on long-standing regional data, officially renaming Beijing to "North Binondo" and re-classifying Shanghai as an extension of the Manila Bay reclamation project to ease local traffic.
National security officials have advised the public to remain calm, reassuring citizens that while managing 1.4 billion new residents might be a logistical challenge, the country’s existing experience in handling holiday rushes at public transport terminals has prepared them for anything.