21/03/2025
๐ฆ๐ฃ๐ข๐ง๐๐๐๐๐ง | ๐ง๐ต๐ฒ ๐๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ธ-๐จ๐ฝ ๐ฃ๐ฟ๐ผ๐ฑ๐ถ๐ด๐
Standing on a podium with flashing lights, smiles and cheers. There goes the golden one on top of the platform, the one who never fails the crowd with a golden medal over their neck shining with ambition and confidence, like they are born to be the winner. Standing in grace and elegance with a curled smile of victory.
Then there you stood, confused, baffled and lost. What went wrong? Why there was only a silver medal on your neck and instead of celebrating, why disappointment? You were so close being at the top โ so close yet so far, only a small step away from being the best. With a ponderous weight coming from your own head, you drown yourself with self-doubt and comparison, then you ask yourself "am I not enough?"
Is it a curse to be always at second? To exist only to be a scapegoat. To only be overshadowed and dominated by the presence of the first priority. Breathing tempestuously in despair and yet even in your loudest screams you are left unheard. Your profound presence is destined to live in someone elseโs shadow. While those who are first in line are treated as a saint, the center of the attention, the star and the breadwinner. Even though you've tried your best, you're still not good enough. Even if you pour your whole heart out: your blood, sweat and tears, you're still not the best.
๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ฟ๐ผ๐๐๐๐
โSiya, magiging Summa Cum Laude โyan. Ikaw, anong mapapala mo?โ
If youโre not enough, but also not too much, where do you stand?
Scribbling your pens to multiple tests, staying up late to study for examinations, and then be disappointed with your scores. Itโs starting to seem like a cycle. A cycle that ends with always never living up to your own standards. Youโre starting to see a clear narrative โ youโre there, but youโre just not the one.
In every chance you get, you risk losing yourself just to prove that youโre worthy of being at the top. Cause you only matter when theyโre not around. The last resort, the maybe, the almost.
Thereโs no use of trying to be the greatest when they canโt even see you trying.
No matter the number of achievements you have, you canโt be proud of yourself because thereโs always someone better. No pen, no quill, no marker could ever spell out the words: โyouโre the firstโ. Because youโll always be the second. You may be the โbest,โ but youโre never the greatest. The second prodigy.
๐๐๐ ๐ฝ๐ผ๐พ๐-๐๐ ๐๐๐ผ๐
Howโs it like being the backburner?
Ruining yourself a million little times. Are you satisfied seeing yourself crumble for the sake of being loved? Well, itโs up to you, but itโs definitely an unpleasant scene.
Youโre always unlucky in the romantic field, no? Always the one doing the chasing. You offer your whole being for love and receiving nothing in return. But itโs not your fault, you just wanted to be loved.
For every text you send, every โHi, kumusta ka?โ Every small handwritten letter or hand-crafted paper flowers, you send out little pieces of you to that person who could do everything but to love you. Itโs a losing game; thereโs nothing fair in love and war. You convince yourself that loving them harder would make it work. Wishful thinking would always cloud your thoughts, staying up late and wondering: Is he still mine, or was he never mine to begin with?
๐๐๐ ๐ฝ๐๐ผ๐พ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐
You look at yourself with your own reflection. You were not the child who is perfect. You do not experience being pampered by your own parents with praise and attention, they have their favorites. You're not as sensible as your older sibling, you're not the comedian who brings out the laughter and hilarity to your family. You're not that exceptional but not enough to be considered as a substandard. You don't have any distinct role to fit in, unlike your siblings. Your older sibling who is born to lead the family and your younger sibling being the pride and joy, while you โ you don't have any, so you only live by to be in the middle.
Well, thatโs too bad! No one paid attention to you.
You lived by the expectations that is passed down to your family since that's the only thing that you feel you can execute with pure dedication while you keep the whole place intact. You can only bite your tongue and resist the feeling of envy and jealousy. How you wished so badly that even in the slightest chances โ even just a tiny bit that you'll be validated and favored.
๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ฟ๐๐
Have you ever walked on a pathway with your friends, but the only difference is that you walked on the bumpy and rocky side, on the grass, while they walked hand in hand on a smooth path? Or instead, they walk altogether in front while you were there left at the back?
Everyone has their own best friend, their own partner in crime. They have someone where they can run into, share their ups and downs and had their back. Everyone has someone to run into every time the teacher assigns a task in pairs or someone to eat with at lunch.
You were the reliable friend, the one who showed up without fail, but when you were the one in need, they vanished without a trace. Their absence screamed louder than their presence ever could. You were the friend who gets last-minute invites and no one else paid attention to. You lived on a world where you have no true friend to rely on, but you tried. You tried because you hoped that at least maybe someday you can finally find the Serena to your Blair.
๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐, ๐ผ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐ผ๐๐ผ๐ฟ๐๐๐
โOut of all the lifetimes I couldโve had, why was I chosen to live a life where I am just a mere option?โ You asked the universe for an answer.
Youโre begging the heavens to be good to you. You โ who is too shallow to be loved, too weak to be needed. Youโve done everything โ you learned how to paint, how to play instruments. Learned how to write, to sing, to be a leader, to be an achiever. What more could you possibly do to be someone whoโs worth a glimpse?
Itโs almost as if youโre a knitted series of almosts. The angel, never the God. The artist, never the art. The poet, never the poem. In this lifetime, you are almost the first. Almost the fated. Almost the needed. Almost the loved.
Youโre just a placeholder for someone greater.
We can push ourselves and not only to live by as the "second option." We are more than that. Whenever you feel trapped in a box, where you feel alone and discouraged, please remember that even no one tries to peak through inside that void of darkness and has no guts to pull you out, you can always try to pull yourself. Thereโs always strength in standing alone, in picking up your broken pieces when no one else is there to do it for you. Sometimes, life pushes us into the role of being the second choice so we can learn to choose ourselves first.
Disclaimer: SPOTLIGHT is the official name of The Courier's segment for the feature articles under the feature section. And the names used in the illustrations are the pen names of the author intended for creative purposes. The views and opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of the publication and the Institution.
Column | Kiara Toshka Chavez & Dynniella Maguillano
Illustration | Aurora Gromea
