Mitchell Smolkin, Stockholm (2025)

09/12/2021

This week is the 33rd and final episode on my podcast, at least for the time being. Doing the podcast, bringing on guests that have really touched me, delving into subject areas that are very close to my heart, and reaching out to all of you is something I have done out of love. However, I can also tell that it has come to a natural end for now. There has been a conflict between an expectation that I set for myself or that others have had for me and an internal rhythm that is demanding that I take a break. These kinds of moments are quite unnerving, at least they are for me. That is why I wanted to take the time in the podcast to speak about endings, the difficulties they bring but also the beauty that comes with something ending.

I also wanted to use this space to say thank you. For those of you that have been on this ride with me this year, I am so grateful. You don’t know what it means to me when you write, make a comment, and talk about how this podcast has reached you. All the warm and encouraging feedback has made this decision all the harder. Please, even now, don’t hesitate to reach out to me, I always love to connect with you all.
I really hope you enjoy this final episode and cannot wait to hear from you. Sending you all my best wishes.

To listen to this week's episode, click on the link below

https://mitchellsmolkin.com/dos33/

07/12/2021

On the podcast this week I want to open up about my decision to pause the podcast in order to take some time to restore my own creative energies. The idea of a beautiful end has guided me in many parts of my life and this week I wanted to explore what it means to end things.

There is a common idea that when something ends, another opportunity will soon arise. That’s why we have symbols like a phoenix rising from the ashes or sayings such as “when one door closes, a new one opens”. However, I believe that there doesn’t always have to be a new beginning after something ends. The fact that something ends is not a failure.

Something new could come along but it also might not. The question is, can we withstand the possibility that something else might not come? Maybe in some ways, for us to be able to accept the end of something, the loss of somebody, or the end of a chapter in our lives, we must at least be open to the idea that in and of itself, the ending is whole. It doesn’t need anything else. It doesn’t need the comfort that something else will be next. And so, I wonder if there might be a greater strength in inviting in the idea that there really can just be a beautiful end.
So please join me for this final installment of my podcast, I am incredibly grateful for all the support you have shown me along the way.

To listen to this week's episode, click on the link below
https://mitchellsmolkin.com/dos33/

07/12/2021

I remain yours faithfully.

02/12/2021

On this week’s podcast episode, I interview couples therapist Louise Wästlund to talk about some of the difficulties couples face during the holidays. One aspect that I found very compelling, was the way that Louise emphasizes a couple being a team. She explains that a problem she sees a lot with couples during the holidays, especially when surrounded by one partner’s original family, is that they end up feeling like they aren’t a team anymore. Usually, when couples feel threatened in the connection with each other, they start behaving like they are not on a team. People have a very strong need for attachment and are thus very sensitive to a feeling of threat around their connection with someone. When someone feels threatened, they try to protect themselves and often have intense reactions, they get angry or start complaining. Deep-down this is because there is a fear of losing the other person or a fear of that person not being there when you need them.
This is an incredibly common issue and Louise offers some lovely advice for couples on how they can stick together as a team going into this holiday season.

To listen to this week's episode, click on the link below

https://mitchellsmolkin.com/dos032/

30/11/2021

I wanted to do a series before the holidays where I look at how we deal with all the different challenges and opportunities of meeting with family and spending that time together. Important relationships, like family, can often provoke complications in our emotional and interpersonal lives. My goal was to debunk some of the superficial ways in which we might respond to these complications. So, I was very excited that I got to interview the wonderful Louise Wästlund, couples therapist and emotionally focused therapist, on this week’s podcast episode.

It was so refreshing talking to Louise, especially witnessing her ability to validate both partners and look at the relationship as a whole. We talked a lot about attachment panic, the reactions we have when we feel like something is wrong in our relationship, and the actions we take to repair this. Often, this can lead to misunderstanding because our partner will not recognize that we are scared. Rather, they will see us as getting defensive, either shutting down or getting angry, and this will mask the deeper desire to reduce the distress in our relationships. Coming back to a place where we can see the system, the various moving parts, in the same way, that a well-functioning democracy can hold opposing opinions, is the key to not reverting to simplistic responses in our lives.

Do tune in to our conversation this week, I believe that Louise has a lovely and helpful way of approaching these issues.

To listen to this week's episode, click on the link below

https://mitchellsmolkin.com/dos032/

25/11/2021

On this week’s podcast, I want to talk about the stress that the holiday season can put on relationships. Often when we visit our family for a holiday or other event, we are very focused on everything going well. There are expectations for the event and expectations for our partner to have our backs and be a safe place for us. When things are important to us, our bodies go into high alert. What we often do not realize is that this state of high alert is one of the worst frames of mind to be in to receive comfort. It creates anxiety, anxiety creates protection, and protection creates a primal response where both sides tend to shut down and push each other away. That is why on these occasions, when we expect the most from our partner, often things don’t go well.

This is something that most people experience in one way or another and that is why I have decided to focus on the topic of relationships during the holidays over the next couple of weeks. I believe that by reflecting on our own responses to specific situations, we can work to better understand our reactivity and the ways that we sometimes shut others out. That can lead to quite an enriching experience, which I am very excited to share with all of you.

To listen to this week's episode, click on the link below
https://mitchellsmolkin.com/dos031/

18/11/2021

On this week’s episode, I want to share with you some thoughts I have around the landscape of healing from shame. The title I gave this week’s podcast is: “The Tightrope Act of Healing. How to Walk with the Dragons”. Healing from shame or helping someone to heal from shame is not as simple as telling them they are worthwhile or have value. You have to cross a bridge that has a lot of dragons on it. Early experiences of isolation and humiliation usually contribute to states of shame and when we are young, we might close the door on those feelings and hope to never feel them again. The dragons on the bridge are the parts of us that want to keep us safe, prevent us from dealing with overwhelming emotions.

We have to validate that these defense mechanisms are what keeps us alive and accept that healing from shame can be a very slow process. Human beings hang on to the basic building blocks of their personality from cradle to grave. It does not mean that huge changes cannot occur, but especially early experiences of shame can be difficult to transform. Asking someone to enter into a new emotional landscape, even if we know they might feel more free and less burdened on the other side, is a huge ask. However, it is worthwhile if done in the right way.

So, tune into this third and final episode. I would love to hear your feedback on this series!

To listen to this week's episode click on the link below:

https://mitchellsmolkin.com/dos030/

16/11/2021

On the third and final installment of my podcast series on shame I wanted to give you some insights from my clinical practice on how shame can be addressed and how people can heal from shame. Jaak Panksepp, author of the book “The Archaeology of Mind”, was once quoted saying that he could not develop any pharmaceutical solutions for depression and other forms of mental illness that could replicate human connection. In my experience, what inevitably helps soothe the views of self that are based in shame, is when somebody shows you the opposite. For instance, when a close friend lets you know how much you are valued. Deep friendships and relationships can be very healing.

The problem is, emotional states such as shame tend to close down all access to our embodied emotions. It is an all or nothing game. Therefore, if someone tries to enter, consciously or not, we tend to defend ourselves. Often someone can long to hear a comforting voice or a soothing comment. At the same time however, it can be their worst nightmare because these words will open Pandora’s box and all the grief that has been kept at bay.

Healing from shame can be a very difficult and slow process but so worthwhile if done right. So, I hope you join me this week in the final episode around the topic shame.

To listen to this week's episode, click on the link below:

https://mitchellsmolkin.com/dos030/

11/11/2021

On the 29th episode of my podcast, I continue our conversation surrounding the topic of shame. This week, I really wanted to zero in on the silence that often comes with shame. We have a tendency to project our own stories on others when there is silence. This is something that I see all the time in my practice. Couples will come in and one of them will say things like: “Because you don’t tell me what’s going on, I have to assume the worst”. Silence can amplify our own narratives, so when someone is not communicating how they feel, one’s ideas about them can snowball. Organizing and sorting through our own emotional landscapes and trying to uncover whether we are carrying unconscious shame can be a very productive exercise and make it easier to tame misunderstanding in many aspects of our lives.

It feels so injurious when people make comments about things that we feel vulnerable around. To begin to tolerate some of that vulnerability and to open up, that's the beginning of conscious relationship. A metaphor I like to use is that hiding our shame is like keeping a door tightly shut. And our partner has been banging on that door, trying to find a key to open it. When we begin and try to tolerate that vulnerability and discover our shame, it’s like all of a sudden a little bit of light is creeping out from under the crack of our door. And when we allow that to happen, there is immediate relief.

To listen to this week's episode, click on the link below

https://mitchellsmolkin.com/dos029/

09/11/2021

The podcast this week is the second episode of a three-part series where I talk about the topic shame. I have gotten many questions and seen a lot of posts from people asking what they should do when their partner doesn’t want to put in the work of opening up and talking about their shame. I have a lot of respect for how tiring and difficult it can be to try to get through to somebody.

On the other hand, something that has been a big theme in my practice of late is that we have to recognize our own misunderstanding, our own anxiety, and our own failures of empathy. It is important to slow down a bit and recognize just how difficult it might be for people to open themselves up to deeper layers of pain. It isn’t like turning on a switch and suddenly the other person can open up. It is a lot quieter and slower. That can often be very frustrating. However, when someone manages to slow down and names their basic initial responses to overwhelming emotion, it is very powerful. There is a lot of hope in that.

Opening up and sharing our shame is an ongoing process of discovery and rediscovery, there is no end. In a lot of ways, I actually find this very positive and relieving. There will always be some things that will remain unsaid, things we do not accomplish, emotions we don’t express and connections we do not make. And that’s ok.

To listen to this week's episode, click on the link below:

https://mitchellsmolkin.com/dos029/

05/11/2021

One of the most distressing feelings states for the human being, is the inability to know what to do next. I would argue that it is at the heart of trauma, as the human being thrives when it has a plan. That is why there is such a focus on what we presently call “safe attachment”, because it fosters an environment where helplessness is a safer option for the individual; safe attachment means that there is someone to lean into and also that the person is not overwhelmed with fear.

When it comes to not knowing what to do in a situation or in a relationship, being able to stay present and put words to feelings of being lost and confused can be very powerful. Paying attention to the narratives that come up in one’s mind when feeling this way can also be a great source of exploration. For instance, if one finds themselves saying “I am a failure” or “I can never live up to expectations”, then there are clues to how the vulnerability was treated when one was growing up.

One of the most distressing feelings states for the human being is the inability to know what to do next. I would argue that it is at the heart of trauma, as the human being thrives when it has a plan. That is why there is such a focus on what we presently call “safe attachment”, because it fosters an environment where helplessness is a safer option for the individual; safe attachment means that there is someone to lean into and also that the person is not overwhelmed with fear.

04/11/2021

On this week’s podcast episode, as well as the next two or three to come, I want to focus on the topic of shame. Shame can interrupt our ability to be integrated. It destroys the container that is trying to process and hold our selves. Shame means I am bad, which makes it very hard to have perspective on how we feel. In relationships, when someone is carrying a high degree of shame, it can make it very difficult for that person to receive kindness or care because they don’t feel like they deserve it. Because feelings of shame are something people tend to keep very hidden, it can be very hard to soften the negative picture people have of themselves. The more we feel that we have to hide sensitive and negative emotions, the more they can build up inside of us and wreak havoc on safe and productive relationships. It’s almost counter intuitive to take the risk to disclose these very painful feelings because so many people are ashamed of their shame.

So, we’ll build all these crusty layers of persona and civility around parts of us that actually really do need human contact. And one of the only ways to get human contact is to crack the door open and let somebody in. And one of the ways to do that is to directly talk and take a risk with somebody that you care about and try to name the things that don't normally see the light of day.

I am very excited about this new chapter and sincerely hope you will join me on it. I want to take the time to really convey to you particular aspects of what interests me in the field and to share my impressions and experiences day in and day out, being with people and really being inspired everyday by the courage they show.

To listen to this week's episode, click on the link below.

https://mitchellsmolkin.com/dos28/

03/11/2021

Why is it important to notice our bodies when we express emotion?

02/11/2021

As many of you know, I have spent the last two weeks on a creative journey with friends of mine to work on a project exploring the last letters my great grandmother sent to my grandfather during World War Two.

To be honest, the energy required to go through this material took me to the core of my being, but it also left me bereft of a lot of creative energy because I gave it everything I had. At the beginning of this week, I was seriously thinking about pausing the podcast just to recoup and collect my creative energies.
Instead, I have decided to consider this as a sort of second chapter: I would like to change the format a little bit and focus in on areas that are very close to my heart. Over the next three podcasts or so, I will focus on shame. I want to talk to you about what it means to put language to some of the most difficult emotions that human beings have to face and share my personal opinion about why it is so hard.

I hope that you join my conversation this week and that by opening up about these experiences, we can foster a dialogue together.

To listen to this week's podcast, click on the link below
https://mitchellsmolkin.com/dos28/

Listen wherever you find podcasts!

29/10/2021

I am always amazed at how silent shame can be. Sometimes I will not notice at all that someone is defending themselves because of shame. It is the most quiet of the primary emotions because there is no person to feel it, it needs to be separated from.

When someone lets me in, or I recognize my own shame, it is deeply relieving. We all served dignity in our shame.

28/10/2021

This week on the podcast, I gather with my friends from around the world in the Great Synagogue of Stockholm for the special ceremony Havdalah. In this musical podcast episode, we sing a song called “Liebe” together.

The lyrics speak of transcending a darkness in us, withstanding moments when we feel alone. For example, a night when one can’t sleep, the time is ticking and we’re alone with ourselves. The song speaks of a yearning for love to help us deal with these moments.
To rid ourselves of anxiety, we often think of our reality as being seamless. However, there are always going to be events in our lives which punctuate this seemingly seamless reality. The ceremony we perform in the podcast reverses things and says: no, we’re going to stare this transition from the sacred to the profane in the face and withstand it. I believe that is an important skill, to be able to recognize when things do not go our way, when somebody is unavailable to us and when the world around us is changing. To recognize this and find space to contend with these moments of absolute foreignness.
The episode this week is very special to me, and I would love for you to listen in and share your thoughts.

You haven't listened to this week's episode? Click on the link below.
https://mitchellsmolkin.com/dos27/

Listen wherever you find podcasts!

26/10/2021

The podcast this week is another special musical episode that I recorded with my friends in the Great Synagogue in Stockholm. Its theme has to do with a very special ritual called Havdalah, which means separation in Hebrew. It attempts to provide support for the transition between the sacred to the profane. I believe that much of what we experience as suffering in our life has to do with moments where meaning, relationship, our fantasies or our sense of self break down.

The ceremony and the music that make up the podcast this week intend to give a container to what can often be a really tricky transition, one which I believe we all go through. It’s the same transition of coming back from vacation to the first day of work or a visit from someone you love who has to leave.

When we leave the sacred, we enter the profane. They are defined by each other. The more loss, the more joy. The more we suffer, the more we know the rich, incredible nature of feeling alive. There is no shortcut. But we have containers: friends, family, dreams. And we have music.
Join us on this week’s podcast and let yourself listen to the music and maybe put it on in moments when things feel off and it’s hard to feel one’s direction in life.

To listen to this week's episode, click on the link below
https://mitchellsmolkin.com/dos27/

Listen wherever you find podcasts!

21/10/2021

I spent the week creating with friends from around the world. As our source material, we used letters, videos, and documents from my grandfather’s journey throughout the second world war and his subsequent emigration to Canada. The podcast this week will be a special musical episode and the song we perform takes lyrics from a letter that was written by my great grandmother in 1941. They were the last letters she would ever write and the last letters my grandfather would ever receive from her. She signs these letters in Yiddish with “Adieu, adieu” which I understand to be a final goodbye.
I have felt throughout the week a deep and raw connection going through this material, to the point of losing my voice. It is as if I need to go to the bone to get at the emotions and memories that the family tried to survive. One of my good friends and colleagues has spoken a lot about ancestral healing. I know that this has been a central premise of my artistic and psychological work, both for myself and with others. I think that the more that we can put our fingers in the soil of the past, the more it allows us to move forward.
I can say that I am amazed at how this journey of discovery never ends and seems to just get deeper and deeper. I invite all of you to join me on this journey this week on the podcast.

You haven't listened to this week's podcast? Click on the link below to listen now
https://mitchellsmolkin.com/dos026/

Listen wherever you find podcasts!

Mitchell Smolkin

09/12/2021

07/12/2021

07/12/2021

02/12/2021

30/11/2021

25/11/2021

18/11/2021

16/11/2021

11/11/2021

09/11/2021

05/11/2021

04/11/2021

03/11/2021

02/11/2021

29/10/2021

28/10/2021

26/10/2021

21/10/2021

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