The Aledo Scratch

07/09/2026

Inspiring: Construction Crew Leaves One Tree Standing

Read the full story in our bio

07/08/2026

A Texas city has began “Kidmaxxing,” a radical new form of advertisement taking advantage of manosphere popularity.

07/04/2026

OpenAI to Parker County: “Could we build a data center here if we asked really nicely?”

Parker County has not yet responded to this offer. Experts have noted that, in the past, a sweet voice and puppy dog eyes have helped to persuade Parker County politicians in the past.

07/02/2026

Cicadas–I’ve had it up to here with you.

Dear Cicadas,

You have ruined my summer. I can’t take a step outside because of you. Your constant buzz, buzz, buzz rattles the teeth in my jaw, the bones in my skull. The hum ruins my enjoyment of the otherwise extremely pleasant Texas heat. You’ve actually managed to force me to drop one of my favorite pastimes (sunbathing in a hoodie and sweatpants, if you were wondering) because of how much I can’t stand your persisting drone.

So, as of today, I will be boycotting all outdoor activities thanks to you. I hope you’re happy. Good luck finding a mate or whatever. No longer will I need to duck and plug my ears as I try to survive the outside world. No longer will I loathe maracas or rattlesnakes. No longer will you all cloud my mind. Cicadas, you might as well have gone extinct to me.

If you at all feel like you’re missing me, I’m glad. I hope you imagine me doing all my fun things inside, without your presence. I’ll be inside, with a new favorite pastime (laying in a tanning bed in a hoodie and sweatpants). I’ll be doing things you insects could never dream of. I’ll be speaking English, walking upright, or using my coveted opposable thumbs. Lastly, I’ll be researching the most effective pesticides to rid the world of your nuisance once and for all.

Count your days,
The Aledo Scratch

Tags: [cicadas, Texas, south, summer, satire, comedy, opinion, news]

06/29/2026

The New Aledo Scratch Studio

06/11/2026

The Aledo Scratch is Aledo’s first satire newspaper. Be sure to subscribe to our Substack for long-form articles.

06/10/2026

The Aledo Scratch is Aledo’s first satire newspaper. Read our latest article here: https://open.substack.com/pub/aledoscratch/p/opinion-i-want-a-data-center-to-be?r=8frue2&utm_medium=ios

06/09/2026

The Aledo Scratch is Aledo’s first satire newspaper. Read our latest article here: https://open.substack.com/pub/aledoscratch/p/aledo-high-school-to-replace-valedictorian?r=8frue2&utm_medium=ios&shareImageVariant=poster

06/05/2026

The Aledo Scratch is Aledo’s first satire newspaper. Read our first article here:

This follows a trend found in various Dallas sports teams. Morningstar and Walsh are top contenders for the new location.

06/05/2026

Aledo ISD Proposes Moving Tim Buchanan Stadium

Read more at: https://aledoscratch.substack.com/p/aledo-isd-proposes-moving-tim-buchanan