27/12/2025
I don’t need much so I’m peak happiest when its us 3 at any time, when the stars align and Malaea has time!
First Christmas without my mom, in a physical capacity. She was here last year but bed bound. At least I could still throw her arm around me and pretend it was a hug, I could still hear her heart beating. Feel her warmth. I talked to her even if it was wishful.. It’s still so empty and missing such a large part of us, especially during Christmas. It was my mom’s fav, her day. She’s the one who hands out the gifts , loud excited commentary I used to groan at as a teen. How stupid was I, had no idea how much it will hurt wanting to hear that again. Regret regret. Guilt guilt. The cycle is so strong at times. First week of January will be the biggest challenge, ive been bracing for impact for months. She really left, left us like this. The only one that keeps my dad in check. Now it’s supposedly me? Pfft Im dying here. All wrong. Still can’t find her main ornaments stash. All her secret hiding places have gotten harder to find after fire restoration and everything getting put back in absolute disorder. And the rain revealed even more waterfalls of damage yesterday. December was like 3 years long, but I’d like to fast forward to March immediately. ~merry~ Christmas
