04/20/2020
It's 4/20 and the California governor recommends ways citizens can celebrate the holidaze in this fake press release made up by hsu dumberjackers:
SACRAMENTO — Today, California Governor Gavin Newsom restated his recommendation people self quarantine and socially-distance, and said that people should just blaze it every day, for every holiday.
Joint statement from the Governor:
COVID-19 has preyed upon our interconnectedness. In the coming weeks, the West Coast will flip the script on COVID-19 – stay inside and get high instead of seeing your family. It’s what we all want to be doing at those family shindigs anyways.
We are announcing that in California, to prevent the spread of the virus, ma*****na dispensaries will be an essential service. After legalization, accessing ma*****na is easier than ever. The State of California is considering a small $20 subsidy for each Califronian’s first eighth. More on that later.
While each city has a state-specific plan for social distancing, I recommend a pamphlet or a public service announcement to all black market dealers detailing safe handling of their bud including that they handle it with gloves and masks, do dead drops for both cash and product, and take advantage of our postal service for delivery.
–Our residents’ health comes first. As home to one in six Americans and gateway to the rest of the world, the West Coast has an outsized stake in controlling and ultimately defeating COVID-19.
–Health outcomes and science – not politics – will guide these decisions. Modifications to our states’ stay at home orders must be made based off our understanding of the total health impacts of COVID-19, including: the direct impact of the disease on our communities; the health impact of measures introduced to control the spread in communities and the amount of dope people are smoking.
–Our cities will only be effective by enabling their pot habits. Each city will work with its local leaders and communities within its borders to understand what’s happening on the ground and adhere to our agreed upon approach.
Through quick and decisive action, each of our cities has made significant progress in flattening the curve and spiking ma*****na use. This is a stressful time, so light up a doobie, binge Tiger King a second time and slow the spread of COVID-19 among the broader public. Now, our public health leaders will focus on four goals that will be critical for controlling the virus in the future.
COVID-19 doesn’t follow state or national boundaries but ma*****na smoke does. Stay at home, get high, and celebrate 4/20 for the entire month. It’s a once-in-a-century opportunity.
In the coming days the governors, their staff and health officials will be getting really high to celebrate all the holidaze. Four-twenty blaze-it. Newsom out.
