Tim Ervin Board Certified Coach

07/30/2025

https://open.spotify.com/episode/3hWRo3Li42zsF0SZmhOyW0?si=76_pW32KTL-couXcwKP-pw

07/29/2025

This graphic captures a central idea from The Attachment Trap: Loving Without Losing Yourself by Tim Ervin: that our earliest relationships with caregivers shape the way we experience love, trust, and connection throughout life. These early bonds create an emotional “map,” known as our attachment style, which influences how we relate to others—whether we lean in, pull away, or struggle to find balance in relationships.

Chapter 1 of the book introduces readers to the foundation of these attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—and explains how they are formed through repeated experiences of safety, care, or inconsistency in childhood. A child who grows up with reliable love and support often develops a secure attachment, feeling confident in their ability to trust and be trusted. However, when care is unpredictable or emotionally distant, the child may develop an anxious attachment—constantly seeking reassurance and fearing abandonment—or an avoidant attachment, learning to rely only on themselves and avoid closeness. In more complex situations where love and fear coexist, a disorganized attachment can emerge, leading to a push-pull dynamic in relationships.

These early patterns often show up in subtle but powerful ways: how we text, how we handle conflict, how quickly we feel rejected, or even how we choose partners who feel “familiar” but may not be emotionally safe. The Attachment Trap guides readers through understanding these unconscious patterns so they can stop repeating painful cycles—such as chasing unavailable love or withdrawing at the first sign of closeness.

The book offers a roadmap to creating healthier, more secure connections without sacrificing individuality. It teaches how to untangle the nervous system’s old survival strategies, rewrite limiting relationship scripts, and build trust within oneself. By exploring both the science of attachment and practical tools for healing, The Attachment Trap empowers readers to break free from old relational traps and love without losing who they are.

07/28/2025

https://a.co/d/1kHExVh

The Attachment Trap — Book Summary

Tim Ervin offers a compassionate, neuroscience-informed guide for navigating modern relational challenges. With warmth, humor, and poetic insight, he helps readers decode how hidden attachment dynamics and nervous‑system responses drive emotional chaos in dating and relationships .

Ervin explores how anxious and avoidant attachment patterns create cycles of chasing and distancing. He introduces the concept of “loving without losing yourself,” demonstrating how to maintain personal boundaries while fostering deep, secure connection. Through tools grounded in Polyvagal Theory, Internal Family Systems, EMDR, and somatic therapy, readers learn to regulate their nervous systems, reclaim inner safety, and form healthier relational habits  .

The book is designed for anyone feeling stuck in repetitive emotional loops—whether in dating or long-term partnerships. It empowers readers with clarity, practical exercises, and self-awareness to break free and build attachment-security rooted in authenticity and self-respect

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10/28/2024

Is your head a constant stream of "I shoulds" and "I musts”?

Understanding the autonomic ladder could change that.

What is it?

It comes from Stephen Porges’ 1994 breakthrough: Polyvagal Theory, referring to our vagus nerve. The vegas meanders from the brainstem through the neck, chest, and abdomen.

Before Polyvagal Theory, we thought the vagus nerve only regulated heart rate and “rest and digest” functions.

Polyvagal Theory adds a dual-mode understanding.

We now know that we don't simply swing between our sympathetic/active mode and our parasympathetic/rest mode.

In fact, we can be engaging any of the these four modes:

↳ Ventral Circuit: In this state, you feel safe and connected. Relationships and creativity thrives. For complex knowledge work, this is the most productive state.

↳ Sympathetic Circuit: This is your survival fight-or-flight mode. In modern workplaces, it can be permanently engaged - the hurry-up land of endless to-dos. It fuels busyness but stifles creativity. And can lead to burnout.

↳ Dorsal Circuit: The shutdown mode. Overwhelming stress makes you feel frozen and disengaged. Many employees today spend a lot of time here, stuck and unproductive.

↳ Blended States: Play and stillness blend circuits. They boost resilience, creativity, and stress adaptability. This explains why "gamifying" work can have such powerful effects.

* Climbing The Autonomic Ladder *
The key point for leaders is that you can't jump from dorsal collapse (shutdown) or sympathetic (mobilised) to ventral vagal (curiosity and creativity) in one leap. It takes baby steps. And how you climb is personal—what works for one person may not work for another.

Leadership and Mental Health Implications:

↳ Watch out for you or your team being in "always-on" sympathetic mode—back-to-back calls is one sign. Find ways to give your colleagues time to slow down and engage in deep work - the type of work likely to produce breakthrough innovations and differentiated products.

↳ Assess your team’s states. Ask * them * what might help them climb the autonomic ladder: breath work, journaling, a walk. It could even being making a cup of tea, or simply imagining an appropriate action to take. The point is that each individual knows their best next step.

How might you use the autonomic ladder in your life and leadership?
Source Richard Atherton London.

10/28/2024

Polyvagal Wheel of Emotions, Sensations, Trauma Responses, and Skills.

The Polyvagal Theory explains how our nervous system regulates our responses to stress. It involves three states:

Social Engagement System: This is our default state, where we feel calm, connected, and safe.

Sympathetic Nervous System: This is our "fight or flight" response, triggered by perceived threats.

Dorsal Vagal Complex: This is our "freeze" or "shutdown" response, often activated in overwhelming situations.

By understanding these states, we can better manage stress and trauma responses.

10/22/2024

When someone you care about suddenly vanishes, it leaves you puzzled and wondering what went wrong. Ghosting can turn connections into questions, making it hard to find closure

10/19/2024

Curious if someone is worth exploring? Here are a few steps to consider as you navigate the dating world, no matter your age or stage! Remember, dating is not just about finding the "right" person; it's also about discovering what works for you.

10/16/2024

5 Things to Understand About Emotionally Neglected Men

10/15/2024

Every conflict has two sides, and neither is strictly 'right' or 'wrong.' True listening allows us to honor each other’s feelings and perspectives. By understanding and validating one another, we turn disagreements into chances for growth and build deeper, more meaningful connections.

10/14/2024

True intimacy requires openness to all feelings, including the difficult ones. Encouraging clients to acknowledge and process negative emotions can help them attune to their partners, fostering stronger and more meaningful relationships.

10/12/2024

10/10/2024

A heartfelt compliment can truly transform a relationship, brightening someone's day and strengthening the bond between partners. Encouraging clients to take a moment to genuinely acknowledge something they admire about their partner—be it their smile, kindness, or unwavering support—can have a lasting impact.