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The Onion: Ashland, OH Edition

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The Onion: Ashland, OH Edition

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04/24/2025

BREAKING NEWS: To help prevent Republicans from spending money at Democratic-owned businesses and vice versa, a new city ordinance now requires businesses to place an "R" or "D" in their front windows to inform potential customers of the political affiliation of the owner(s) so they can decide if they wish to support that business.

04/22/2025

BREAKING NEWS: Due to the number (ok, thousands) of complaints the University has received about its students jaywalking and walking out into oncoming traffic, Ashland University will be creating a new class for the Fall of 2025. Crosswalking 101 will be taught by the 4th-grade crossing guards of Taft Elementary and will help AU students understand the proper way to cross the street.

04/21/2025

BREAKING NEWS: Ashland County Commissioners proudly unveiled plans for new "Loud Bang" detectors for the county. Unfortunately, in order to fund these new detectors/sirens, the county had to shift funding from their tornado sirens which are being sold to Greenland as a good will gesture. The detectors are capable of pinpointing exactly where the bang came from, what caused the bang, and who is responsible for the bang. Constant bang-makers risk being jailed in an El Salvador prison.

04/20/2025

BREAKING NEWS: MAGA Christians all over Ashland County gathered to celebrate the Resurrection of their White, Republican Jesus. It is believed that "this" Jesus doesn't advocate for the caring of the poor, the orphaned, the widows, the immigrants (especially if they have tattoos), and other minority groups that are different than them. According to many, this was the "Best Easter Ever" as prophesied by President Trump.

04/18/2025

BREAKING NEWS: The US Department of Justice was recently in our great city to investigate our municipal government's compliance with eliminating DEI (diversity, equity, and inclusion) programs in order to receive federal funds, and discovered we never had one. The City received a Gold Sticker from the Trump Administration.

In other news, the City Council has scrapped its plans on instituting Tariffs on Wayne and Richland counties...for now.

04/17/2025

BREAKING NEWS: Ashland City Council and Mayor Matt Miller have announced a record-breaking new housing development for Ashland. This new development is for low-income families in Ashland. How will the city pay for it? They spent minutes scouring local social media accounts for individuals that criticized every other building project in Ashland, demanding low-income housing and have found a loop-hole in the city charter that allows them to increase their income & property taxes to fund what they say Ashland so desperately needs, but up to this point have done nothing productive to help the situation.

The mayor is quoted as saying, "I think these few individuals will really feel a sense of pride and accomplishment about what we've helped them create. Sure, it'll sting a little with their budgets, but it's evident from their posts that this is their life-goal/passion."

04/16/2025

BREAKING NEWS: In an attempt to curb the number of posts in Ashland Chatter about why there are police in a certain neighborhood, the Ashland Police Division has recently launched a new app that will send push alerts to the citizens of Ashland's phones, alerting them to police activity. Now, whenever an officer activates their sirens, it will automatically send out an alert telling citizens:
1. What the emergency is
2. Where the emergency is
3. Who's involved with the emergency
4. The officers' name(s)
5. The officers' favorite colors
6. The officers' favorite flavor of ice cream
7. The resolution of the emergency

The citizens of Ashland will no longer have to resort going to Ashland Chatter asking about something that is none of their business.

05/29/2024

BREAKING NEWS: If you're too smart, you will no longer be accepted into The Ashland Chatter. We reached out to the group's admins for comment, but we haven't gotten a response yet. We do not know where the cut-off is for membership, but we can only guess it will be around the 5th-grade mark. Membership is not expected to drastically decrease with the new rule.

04/08/2024

BREAKING NEWS: Just a few hours after the Solar Eclipse passed over our city, it appears as though none of Ashland's 19,015 citizens were taken during the rapture. Local pastors report they will try harder before 2099.

03/30/2024

BREAKING NEWS: One of Ashland's newest businesses, a v**e store (and apparently more) is DEFINITELY not targeting teenagers/kids with their exterior advertising. Our reporters have nothing else to report on this other than Baby Yoda and the other cartoons are obviously targeting middle-aged me. I mean, duh!

03/28/2024

BREAKING NEWS: Former President Donald J Trump is now selling $60 Bibles that prove that God loves America more. Local pastors who preach conservative politics from the pulpit and tell their congregation to vote for Trump will begin selling these Bibles in their church bookstores starting on Easter Sunday. Written in the DJTV (Donald J Trump Version), it proves Jesus was a white man who advocated against loving and caring for those less fortunate than those lucky enough to be born in the greatest Nation to EVER exist. Also, it recognizes the fact that our founding documents are on the same level as Holy Scripture. Copies are expected to sell fast!

03/20/2024

BREAKING NEWS: Law enforcement is out and about ticketing Ashland County citizens for not removing yard signs within 30 minutes of the polls closing. Asked why they started so soon, the common response was that "we're all just sick of it and don't want to see the signs now that the election is over."

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