The Morning Report

05/13/2014

Today, on Nutrition Noon! As the summer starts up, we all have to start thinking about eating those summer delicacies; fruits! But did you know that most fruits are incredibly bad for you? Apples have been discovered to be the leading cause for dementia, oranges are primary carriers of bacteria that cause encephalitis, and even pineapples, while almost completely inedible, can be rare carriers of ebola! Watermelon appears to be the only fruit that you should eat, according to local scientists who really know their stuff! So remember, if you want to live to see next fall, don't eat any fruit! It may kill you!

05/13/2014

Today, on the Morning Report! Local man voices grievances about weather as he sulks up and down the main street! The man, who many have commented shuffles his feet too much, began with a diatribe about sunlight and happiness, and quickly moved into a long and quite unbidden attack on the insidiousness of flowers. When questioned, the man stated "remember when it was dark, and cold, and snowy? God, those were the days! Why can't we have more of that instead of this overly bright, obnoxiously warm, caustically pollinated environment! Misery! Misery all around me!" The man has no known allergies and seems to be dealing with the 'nicer' weather admirably, albeit loudly. When he saw someone stop and smell the roses, witnesses report that he rolled his eyes and made vomiting motions, though he did not appear ill in any way. Is this man suffering from a type of illness known as Ver Rhinitis, or does he just hate happiness? You decide!

05/12/2014

Today, on Nutrition Noon! It was Swift that once said "Brave was the man who first ate an oyster!" Indeed, but well rewarded for his fine culinary prowess! Oysters are not only delicious, but have many nutritional benefits, including their ability to make you process water with greater potency, requiring fewer liquids! Additionally, oysters are known to be excellent meals for children, as they bolster growing bones and muscles! Unsurprising, considering they are named "mulloscs" which is very close to the word 'muscles!' Remember, eat more oysters, and respect their outstanding creation!

05/12/2014

Today, on Musing Mondays! It was Hume who once said "the life of man is of no greater importance to the universe than that of an oyster." There is no doubt, no disputer, not even the hint of argumentation that oysters are of paramount importance due mostly to their delicious taste, but also to the fine pearls which they divinely produce! For Hume to liken man to the finest creation on this great Earth was praise indeed, for the bivalve mulloscs can filter up to 50 gallons of water a day, removing nitrates from the water with Olympian efficiency! The small but Herculean creatures might lack a central nervous system, but they can feel love just as deeply as any of us! Is Man only a step below the near-divinity of Oysters, or are we on par with the calcified angels? You decide!

05/09/2014

Today, on the Morning Report! Local woman refuses to acknowledge alien threat as 'legitimate!' The female skeptic, Dianne Valaniski, age 32, stood up and walked out during weekly Extraterrestrial Defense Force meeting, much to the outrage of neighbors and family friends who had years ago babysat the petulant middle-aged non-believer! When question, Valaniski, who reportedly hates being loved, claimed "it's just so stupid! There are a million other REAL threats to be concerned about and they are worried about aliens? What about Russia? What about the economy? What about the energy crisis?! Come on!" Valaniski has recently been seen eating alone and playing pong by herself, which many expect will continue until she decides to stop hating her country! Are aliens really that dangerous, or should we be more worried about the vampire-Nazi threat Fox has been hinting at? You decide!

05/08/2014

Today's noon Scoop!

Today, on Nutrition Noon! Here's everything you need to know about produce!
- Pineapples are completely inedible according to the FDA and only eaten by cultists
- The same cultists are also the only ones to eat asparagus
- Those cultists hate humanity
- Peppers of all forms are delicious, but generally hated by Americans for their ethnic heritage
- Not all mushrooms do crazy things to your brain, which is why mushrooms only sell well from private homes
- Radishes are less a food and more an exercise in patience
- Everyone likes grapes
- Grapes are also good for you, which is really less important than how well-liked they are
- No one knows how to cut a mango
- Scientists are looking into why cauliflower is so weird, but don't have any conclusive reports
- No, squash isn't just a sport played by rich people
- Life gives a lot of lemons that eventually go bad because no one uses an entire lemon, ever
- People claim they know what produce is seasonal, but no one really does
- Only old people eat figs, but they are still delicious and healthy
- Vegetarians claim eggplant parmesan is delicious, but we all know it's just a gross version of lasagna
- Just stick with all the stuff you know; celery, apples, carrots, and meat
- Americans don't eat enough meat, according to those cultists we talked about

05/08/2014

Today, on Nutrition Noon! Here's everything you need to know about produce!
- Pineapples are completely inedible according to the FDA and only eaten by cultists
- The same cultists are also the only ones to eat asparagus
- Those cultists hate humanity
- Peppers of all forms are delicious, but generally hated by Americans for their ethnic heritage
- Not all mushrooms do crazy things to your brain, which is why mushrooms only sell well from private homes
- Radishes are less a food and more an exercise in patience
- Everyone likes grapes
- Grapes are also good for you, which is really less important than how well-liked they are
- No one knows how to cut a mango
- Scientists are looking into why cauliflower is so weird, but don't have any conclusive reports
- No, squash isn't just a sport played by rich people
- Life gives a lot of lemons that eventually go bad because no one uses an entire lemon, ever
- People claim they know what produce is seasonal, but no one really does
- Only old people eat figs, but they are still delicious and healthy
- Vegetarians claim eggplant parmesan is delicious, but we all know it's just a gross version of lasagna
- Just stick with all the stuff you know; celery, apples, carrots, and meat
- Americans don't eat enough meat, according to those cultists we talked about

05/08/2014

Today, on Thalamus Thursday! Yesterday two rabid dogs were seen terrorizing hikers at Strouds Run! The vicious animals ran at the innocent passersby and assaulted them with a voracious appetite for human flesh! After the victims fended off the rampaging monsters, who hungered after their limbs with an obscene frothing viciousness, the nature-lovers ran for their lives, barely escaping the colossal beasts as they peeled out of the highway at the highest possible speed! One claimed "it was like the dogs of hell, sent by Satan himself to torment the living! Fortunately, we got a picture of it, so please, if you see either of these monsters, kill them!" Were these two clearly dangerous animals truly sent by the powers of Hell, or were they made by a Frankenstein-esque government experiment gone horribly wrong? You decide!

05/06/2014

Today, on Nutrition Noon! The innocent coconut has become something of a forgotten hero among food groups! It used to be that everyone lusted after a coconut's hard exterior and soft interior, with delectable juices and different yet wonderful flesh! But in the last few decades, the coconut has dropped in popularity due to its notorious difficultly as it pertains to consumption. But we wanted to remind you of the health benefits of the coconut! It can stave off obesity, has high dietary fiber, reduces sweet cravings! Remember the humble coconut when next you visit the grocery store and make the right purchase!

05/06/2014

Today, on the Morning Report! Locals put manikins all over town dressed in standard college regalia to fill the void of the now empty town! Many of the manikins are dressed provocatively, or in crude positions, and some are even making rude gestures at passing cars! Jonathon McGillan, local manikin collector and father of six, stated "I just needed the students to still be on Court street, clogging up the sidewalk, spilling a burrito in front of me, coating the ground with globs of spit. I miss it! But right now, I also miss the noise, the vulgarity, their vapid conversations..." McGillan placed several speakers in strategic locations to emulate the correct volume of the student population, but other locals seem skeptical that a recording could recreate the spontaneous feeling of drunken revelry with any authenticity. Is this form of escapism healthy, or should we just invite the students back for another large block party? You decide!

05/05/2014

Today, on Nutrition Noon! Hippocrates once said "Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food." Ever wonder why the word 'hypocrite' looks so much like Hippocrates? It's because the old Greek physician was, himself, a hypocrite! Indeed, he ate poorly and popped herbal medicine like candy, in spite of the recommendation he often made to his patients! Still, though his actions were debaucherous, his advice was sound; eat well, and you will live well!

05/05/2014

Today, on Musing Mondays! It was Nietzsche who said "Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of men." There is no doubt that the new generation of Americans are well-versed in Nietzsche's work, because this phrase has exploded among new and old alike! Everyone participates in escapism today and views political strife and issues with a resigned sense of nihilism! Yesterday, when asked about the Ukraine situation, Johnny Titchnel, 24 and recently graduated masters student of Political Science, stated "whatever. I just liked the last Captain America." Is it good that we've all just given up, or was Nietzsche off his rocker with drunken philosophy? You decide!