The Shoemake Journals

07/13/2025

A lifetime of pain and ten years of writing all in one picture. This is the beginning of my absolute obedience after failing to follow through with what God has called me to do. Please pray for God to give me His words, message, guidance and anointing, as I organize and compile all of this into my first complete book…no more waiting. The time is now! Published author title coming soon!

07/12/2025

I’m looking for a really good book editor and a really good publisher. So if you know of some or are one yourself, please let me know!

07/12/2025

My prayers and Bible time looked a little different this morning. Logan had a very hard night. Lots of tears and crying and probably the worst anxiety attack he’s had yet. We got to sleep in the early hours of the morning but not after many tears and expressions of fear and being scared. Please lift my seeet boy up in prayer and for me to be able to do what I can to help him and yet for God to step in and do what I can’t.

God has been pressing some things in me for awhile and in the past I would start out obedient and then life would take over and I would get busy and not follow through. Therefore leading to being disobedient. I’ve always struggled with self worth and qualification. I never saw myself how Timmy saw me and often thought I wasn’t worthy. I do not want the story that God has given me but I know it’s a platform of hope and encouragement for others. He’s felt so distant from me and silent lately. Thoughts of doubt and so much guilt have almost consumed me. I know it’s because I have so much going on in my mind and my heart that I can’t quiet enough to hear his gentle whisper. He speaks to me when I’m calmest, when I’m asleep. I’m listening Lord.

I’m so grateful he hasn’t left me but at the same time I’m uncomfortable with what he’s pressing on me to do. I’m feeling led to glorify his name and make Him the center of my story. I’ve prayed for guidance and wisdom and for my words to only be from Him. He’s working on me and my purpose and I’m listening. I don’t mind getting uncomfortable for Him. He’s reminded me that it isn’t about me at all. So I’m going to push forward and be obedient this time. I’m going reach out for help from those I think can offer assistance and I’m going to make this happen. Be on the lookout for things to come. I see now my pain and anguish and experiential knowledge is what qualifies me to do this. The knowledge I have is nothing that can be taught or learned from a book or a degree. It’s something you have to go through before you can ever begin to remotely understand. I know now my calling is to spread His good news from a bigger platform and offer help to those who need it in ways that I wasn’t given it. To God be the glory now and forever.

07/10/2025

I’m having to sell my RV if anyone may be interested or know of anyone looking. We just can’t keep it without Timmy here. I’m selling it for what I owe on it. Please tag anyone you know that’s in the market or share to your page for me. I appreciate it yall. Much love.

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07/09/2025

I’m independent and capable of doing things on my own but that doesn’t mean I want to nor should I have to. I was forced into this and wasn’t given a choice. But there are two reasons why I’m able to do so many things.

The first one is because when I was younger I learned early on that there’s no one this side of heaven that I could rely on except myself. I had to take care of myself and protect myself.

The second reason is my husband made me realize he was someone I could rely on and someone I could trust. I didn’t have to do anything on my own and in fact he didn’t want me to nor did he let me. He reprogrammed me and at the same time he didn’t just DO everything for me, he let me watch and let me help, or he let me think I was helping, so I could learn. He taught me everything and shaped me into who I became.

He made a comment to a guy at church a couple of weeks before he passed away where he said he wouldn’t ever have to worry about me if anything ever happened to him because I was strong and smart and could do anything. He made it sound like I was so amazing but in reality it was all him that made me the way I am.

Everything I did was for Timmy and my kids but the reason I worked out and did jiu jitsu was because of him. I wanted him to be proud of me and be proud to say I was his wife. Even though he isn’t here with me, I’m still doing everything in me to make him proud. He will always be my Hot Stuff ❤️‍🔥

07/08/2025

The Bible doesn’t explicitly say to be the hands and feet of Jesus but how often is that preached on a Sunday and not used outside of those four walls? 1 Corinthians 12 emphasizes the church as the body of Christ, with each part having a different function that all collectively work together as one. We as believers are to represent Him out in the world. In essence, being the hands and feet of Jesus means actively participating in His work of love and service in the world. Our praise, our worship, our love and service shouldn’t only start when walking through the church doors on Sunday and quickly end as we exit. How does the church serve those in need, those hurting, those in their own family and community as well as those farther away. We are called to serve and love and spread the good news. God will only trust you with a lot when you prove that he can trust you with a little. You can’t help others far away of you aren’t even willing to serve the ones right here in your own community first.

I took Logan and Lana to prayer at church last night and stayed for a discussion group. Logan has expressed talking about Timmy is too painful and he’s expressed his feeling of being scared and how he doesn’t want to be alone. But he is so excited to go back. My kids desperately need Godly men in their lives and they need to feel included, not isolated. I’m so thankful we decided to and were accepted with open arms seeing Logan pray for an hour straight while walking around the sanctuary was what my heart needed, and his too. We will all be going back for sure.

This leads me to talk about the AOW. The aliens, the orphans and the widows. Numerous verses emphasize God's concern for widows and orphans, and they are often mentioned together as vulnerable groups needing special care and protection. One key verse is James 1:27, which states, "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself unstained by the world." I’ve unfortunately seen more than once in my life that when tragedy strikes, many people are there in the beginning and slowly disappear as time goes on and their worlds continue to spin when yours has completely stopped. It’s not isolation by choice. We don’t need people to say let me know if you need anything because we don’t know what we need. We need the one person who is no longer here and that’s it. I have been struggling with thoughts and feelings of doubt, guilt, and loneliness that’s slowly pulling me under. Luke 22:67 Jesus says even if I tell you, you won’t believe me. Several passages in the Gospels describe instances where Jesus' disciples doubted him, most notably after his resurrection. In Matthew 28:17, it's recorded that when the eleven disciples saw the resurrected Jesus, "some doubted". Also, in John 20:24-29, the apostle Thomas famously doubted Jesus' resurrection until he could see and touch the physical wounds of Jesus' crucifixion. The disciples doubted even after seeing all of the miracles Jesus performed first hand. And yet we are expected to believe without having seen it for ourselves? Yes! Hebrews 11:1 has been my life verse for so very long. I will trust and believe even when I can’t see.

In the times when I can’t catch my breath I don’t think of Job like most people think I would. I think of Lazarus. Jesus knew he would die. Jesus could have prevented that. He had many times already and the disciples witnessed it. And Jesus still didn’t go and save his friend. He let him die. Read that again, Jesus LET HIM DIE. He knew that by simply preventing it that his disciples and others would see things he had already done and it wouldn’t be enough to remove the doubts that still remained. This is what needed to happen to show others just what He was truly capable of. Jesus didn’t tell them why he waited. He didn’t tell them when the news came of Lazarus’ death that he knew he was going to die. God doesn’t always tell us everything. He doesn’t have to. He tells us what He wants to tell us and nothing more and nothing less. God has seemed so distant and silent lately and it’s not always because it’s a test. It’s not always because we are far from God or running from him. It’s not always because we have been disobedient. What if the silence is an invitation to grow—not a punishment to endure? I have to remember that my life and all that comes with it, has absolutely nothing to do with me, but everything to do with God.

07/07/2025

Faith is a topic that comes up a lot in Christian conversations, and something people always talk about on my posts, but truly understanding it can be a real challenge. Some people think faith just means recognizing that God exists. Others see it as a way to access God’s blessings. And for many, faith can feel like a struggle—especially when life gets hard and when grief and darkness seem to be taking over.

But what if faith isn’t just something you possess—what if it’s something you live out? Faith isn’t a one-time choice; it’s a daily way of living.

It’s important to see the difference between belief and faith. Even though they’re often used like they mean the same thing, they’re not.

Belief is usually about mentally agreeing that something is true. For example, you might believe that God exists or that Jesus walked the earth. But just believing those things doesn’t necessarily change how you live or make decisions.

James 2:19 says, “You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe—and shudder.” This verse makes a striking point: even demons believe. They don’t doubt God’s existence. They know who Jesus is. But their belief doesn’t change their hearts or lead them to surrender.

This helps clarify what Romans 10:9 means when it says, “If you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” In this context, belief combined with confession brings salvation. But while that belief is enough to be saved, it’s not always enough to carry you through life’s trials. There’s no doubt in my mind that the Bible is truth and God is real and Jesus was fully God and died and defeated the grave. But my faith is what keeps me moving and pushing through each day.

The link between belief and active faith is described in Romans 10:17: “So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ.” Faith begins to take root when we listen to and absorb God’s Word. Unlike belief, which simply agrees with truth, faith steps out on that truth—fully trusting in who God is and what He promises.

Faith isn’t just knowing something in your head. It’s placing your full trust in it—leaning on it in a way that impacts your choices and your way of life. As Katherine Kuhlman put it, “Faith is when you stop believing only with your head and start believing with your life.”

This helps us understand why Jesus posed the question in Luke 18:8: “When the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?” He wasn’t asking if people would still believe He existed. He was asking if He would find people truly living in faith—people whose daily decisions reflected unwavering trust in Him no matter what they were facing.

Choosing to live by faith rather than just holding beliefs takes effort and intention. Jesus tells us that our faith will be hard, and the paths will be rough and narrow. Belief accepts what’s true; faith puts it into action—even when your situation tells you otherwise. Even when all feels lost and you’re drowning in the darkness. Faith doesn’t mean we have it all figured out and will never have doubts or question things, we are still in fact human and flawed. But that kind of faith grows over time as we spend time in God’s Word and keep choosing to trust Him, especially when life is confusing or difficult or seems so unfair.

07/06/2025

I described my pain to chat gpt and this is the image that was created. This is just a glimpse into what I see and feel on the inside. Lana said this looked scary… thank goodness people can’t see inside because it would be so much more than just scary. But…

Even in the Dark, He is Still God

There are places in the soul that words cannot reach — places hollowed out by grief, where silence echoes louder than any scream. I have walked through those places. I live there still.

Ten years ago, I buried my child. A piece of my heart was placed in the ground with him. And now, just months ago, I laid to rest my husband — my partner, my refuge, my home of 22 years. And what was left of me was now gone too. The silence in my house is now the sound of my sorrow.

I have felt lost. Shattered. Like the wind could blow what’s left of me away.

And yet.

Even here, in the thickest darkness, there is a flicker that won’t go out. A whisper I still hear: “I am with you.” Jesus, the Man of Sorrows, acquainted with grief, sits beside me in the ashes. He does not rush me to the light. He doesn’t demand I smile. He simply stays.

There is pain that won’t be fixed by time, only carried. And somehow, I am learning to carry it with Him. The cross was heavy too.

The darkness can be consuming. It speaks lies — that God has forgotten, that healing will never come, that hope is just a word. Doubt creeps in like fog, slow and quiet, wrapping itself around everything you once believed. But faith is not the absence of doubt. Even the disciples, who walked with Jesus, questioned and feared. In our humanity, we are not disqualified by our weakness — we are invited to choose anyway. To look up, even with tear-filled eyes. To say, “Still, I will trust You.”

Hope is not always a bright light. Sometimes, it is just a single candle you shield with trembling hands. But that little flame can still push back the night.

So if you are grieving, if you are broken, if you have no words left to pray — know this: You are not alone. There is no valley too deep for God to find you. He is not afraid of your sorrow. He does not grow weary of your tears.

I don’t have many answers. But I do have Jesus. And somehow, that is enough.

“Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.” — Mark 9:24

07/04/2025

Capturing moments where God is present, seen, and felt by everyone is a feeling like none other. It’s a blessing to be behind the camera and see moments most others don’t. I truly believe God shows me a moving moment right before it happens so that I can capture it. He never fails me there. Seeing God’s Holy Spirit fill spaces that were void and empty is something I get to witness often. I see things differently than most, as my lens has seen more than I ever wish it had. But through that shattered lens, I am able to see more beauty and light in others, all through, and because of God. I often wonder if God still performs miracles like He did in the Bible because my prayers weren’t answered in the way I prayed for them to be. But when I see the shift actively happening in someone, and God does his work on the inside, all doubt is removed.

07/02/2025

Today is one of those days where I can’t stop crying to even catch my breath. My head and my chest hurt from the unrelenting tears that seem to refuse to let up. Please pray for me. Because it’s been a day of crying out and screaming JESUS because I have no words or prayers left in me. I miss these two so much and I’m struggling.

“O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand? Turn and answer me, O Lord my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die. Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!” Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall. But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because he is good to me.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭13‬:‭1‬-‭6‬

07/01/2025

If you are looking for a local place to make donations to that help kids and families, please consider donating to the move now foundation. This is very special to us. Wolfhunter jiu jitsu club is where the kids, Timmy and I have taken classes for the last 15 months. Robert Howell is the owner and has this nonprofit that helps families get training that they couldn’t normally afford. He believes everyone should have access to jiu jitsu. He’s a man of faith and runs a gym on biblical values, respect and encouragegement. He’s only able to help families based off of donations that people generiusly give. I’m so very thankful for the role Robert and his wife and all the coaches, have played in our lives. You won’t find a more caring group of people. Please consider helping his cause and donating anything you can. Contact me or Robert if you have any questions or if you want to donate more than allowed online. I can put you in contact with him directly. God bless.

https://www.movenowfoundation.net/donate.html?fbclid=PAQ0xDSwLQ9ENleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABp0HQMoPYxkzR0JDn6O7p98cPqANRGNDcYqSprqa_faTrRnV6TVyD2dKZOHPg_aem_QjJHIKx86ua2hkmIWRFTuw #/

06/28/2025

Rock the ridge 2025 is in the books. This was a hard one. I missed Timmy so much. He loved Crowder Music so very much and loved how his fox is named Kenny Rogers. I have a picture of Timmy and the kids from the last time Crowder was there and it crushed me when I took the ones of the kids today because Timmy wasn’t in it.

Jamie MacDonald Music was so incredibly kind. She took the time to talk with me hear about my Leland and Timmy. She asked about the kids and said she’s praying for us. And I believe she will. Her song Desperate is one that everyone should listen to. I cry so hard every time I hear it. I took this video with tears in my eyes as I am so very desperate for Heaven and all that it has to offer. I hate this pain but I’m thankful it won’t last forever and one day God is going to wipe all of my tears away. I’m tired of crying and hurting.

Jamie and David Crowder are some of the most humble and caring artists we’ve had at our church. I get to see these artists interact with fans but also behind the scenes and these two are real and kind. The emotions and moments I get to capture are such a blessing to me. I see things differently than most people so I see the emotion in people when others don’t. I see the hurt and desperation but also the hope and the love. Especially in the intimate moments of worship. I’m blessed to be a part of a church that welcomes everyone and allows me to be a part of it. Be blessed everyone. ✌️ ❤️ ✝️

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