04/09/2021
Here's something I've been noodling on: apologizing. Specifically, what makes for a good one? It seems to me that there are different types, and only one of them is any good.
Most common is the pro forma apology--the ones you hear because it has to be done. There are a couple of sub-types to this, and they both ring hollow. The most common non-apology is done out of shame, as an attempt to save face. This one can be spotted by the use of phrases like "I'm sorry you were hurt," or "I'm sorry you feel that way." This is verbal hedging, and it infurates me. It takes no responsibility for causing pain. It's common in the business world, but it's leaking into the social sphere for sure.
The other of these is done purely to make the offending party feel better about themself. I would call this guilt-motivated. They feel better after they apologize, but don't do much to make amends. If you don't do anything to change your behavior, you're probably not very sorry.
The good kind: center the person that you hurt.
Admit what you did, and acknowledge the hurt that you caused. Understand that even with good intentions, impact matters. Ask how you can make amends. Follow through. Accept that even then, it may not be enough to right the wrong, but at least you've made an effort to demonstrate that you care.
