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The Bennington Truth, 1 College Drive, Bennington, VT (2025)

04/17/2019

Hey yall, sorry for not updating this. I dropped out because of mental health stuff that sent me to some dark places! This was a way for me to try to make sense of the bizarre and ceaseless bu****it that is trying to survive at Bennington. I mean, f**k it, I already live in a tiny room with no windows and feel like the world makes no sense, why not elect a ciabatta as dean of admissions?

As you are all clearly, deeply aware of, Bennington is not a good place for people with mental health bu****it. I'm not gonna say anything you all don't already know, but just remember to check in with each other. Part of why Bennington sucks so much ass is because everyone is deeply terrified to actually form meaningful friendships or have emotional conversations. Stop that s**t. Talk about your feelings. Listen to people's feelings. Smile at people. Compliment them. Reach out to folks. Hang out.

That's the actual truth. Peace.

04/05/2019

FROSOCO TO BE DEMOLISHED FOR NEW ARRILLAGAS

President Marc "Daddy Marc" Tessier-Lavigne revealed plans this week to demolish Frosoco and turn it into a triage of new Arrillaga themed dorms. When asked for comment, he replied "we figured no one would notice that they were gone." John Arrillaga gifted the funds to Bennington College contingent on each hallway hosting an oil painting of an Arrillaga building. Two pieces of art have already been commissioned, one for 1.2 billion dollars depicting the AOERC, and the other of Arrillaga Dining Commons costing the entirety of financial aid set aside for the class of 2023. Confused prohos whose Rohos originally lived in Frosoco will now be housed in EBF. Daddy Prez said that the new dorms should be done by 2021, but signs in the area touted a proud estimated completion date of 2023, with the disclaimer "don't hold your breath."

04/04/2019

COLLEGE DECLARES HEIGHT-INCLUSIVE CASTING FOR SCHOOL MASCOT

Following pushback from student Tall Short Alliance (TSA), Bennington College will no longer require candidates to "be at least 5 feet, 10 inches and no more than 6 feet, 1 inch" to play the role of the university's mascot, Wolfie the Sea Wolf. "Wolfie is in fact an ordinary land wolf, and a staple for campus events football games to underattended concerts. There's no reason he'd only be six foot." Bellowed down TSA president Colbyn Fifon from the clouds above. Following changes, students of any stature will be able to try out to play the beloved mascot. Here at Bennington, we care about diversity" said University President Samuel L. Stanley, "And that means making these opportunities available to all students, regardless of height. Frankly, it's bizarre that we haven't let shorter or taller students act as the mascot before."

04/03/2019

DINING HALLS TO CLOSE INDEFINITELY IN RESPONSE TO DIASPORA COALITION'S DEMANDS

"This will solve everything." President Cristle Collins Judd told the student body today in an announcement next to the Kimball Avenue grafitti saying "ASS MOM". "I'm happy to announce that in response to the section about food insecurity in the demands of the Diaspora Coalition, the administration of Bennington College has unanimously decided to close all two dining halls indefinitely, effective immediately."

Other sources of food on campus, including but not limited to the cafes in the library and Heimbold, and the vending machines conveniently located in four buildings on campus, will no longer be available either, and the stoves in all dorm kitchens will be replaced with solid gold plaques donated by notable alumni. The 14k gold plaques can be acquired by an alumnus for only half the price. The rest will be paid for by a small 70% rise in tuition costs.

04/02/2019

REPUBLICAN SQUIRRELS IMPORTED ONTO CAMPUS

As part of his "new intersectionality" initiative, President Michael S. Roth has introduced a new population of Republican squirrels to the Bennington College campus. "Bennington prides itself on the diversity of its squirrel population," Roth '78 was quoted as saying outside a public bathroom, "But I think all of us--squirrel and student alike--could do a little better in pushing outside the nest, intellectually speaking. We really hope students will 'nut' at the chance to utilize their liberal arts educations in this new and challenging way". As of this article's publishing, these republican squirrels have been spotted doing absolutely nothing.

04/01/2019

FOUNDER'S DAY TO BE REPLACED WITH GROUNDHOG DAY PART 2

In a press conference earlier this morning, Bennington College President Elizabeth Bradley announced that the annual Founder’s Day celebrations would be replaced with a new campus event, Groundhog Day Part 2. “New times call for new traditions,” Bradley announced to a crowd of confused students. “Groundhog Day Part 2 will move our community forward into the modern era, freeing us from a darker past.” In lieu of the debauchery and wanton hedonism that accompanied the now deceased Founder’s Day, Groundhog Day Part 2 will be a solemn day of remembrance for the thousands of whomp-whomps that have died, gone missing, or been displaced in the 158 years Bennington has existed. Although the official statement from the college says the change is to bring awareness to the plight of the North American woodchuck, inside sources have indicated that the new tradition will cost only 5% of the usual Founder’s Day budget. When reporters asked President Bradley to comment further on the change, she released a swarm of angry gophers into the crowd and disappeared into a small burrow dug behind the podium.

03/29/2019

BUILDINGS & GROUNDS ANNOUNCES NEW HOUSE ON CAMPUS

This morning, President Mariko Silver proudly welcomed a new house to Bennington Campus. "Glarphnort, named after the historic librarian and philosopher whom we all respect, will serve as an honored part of our new and improved housing opportunities." President Silver went on to describe the house's fifty bathrooms, metallic tendrils leeching into the ground, and "innumerable" couches, stating that this will be a state of the art luxury facility, welcome to any students who can afford to stay in its new rooms. "For too long has Bennington College been trapped in the past. Now we will feed the past to the insatiable train of the future." While the intention wasn't for students to begin living in the dorm this term, many students have already started staying in the new house. One such student remarked, "All the walls might be chrome and covered in faint runes, but at least the heat works."

[Below: Map of Bennington Campus dorms. Glarphnort is on the left.]

03/28/2019

CAPA MAPS PROPHECIZE NEW LITERATURE PROFESSOR

This morning, the CAPA SEPC representatives performed the weekly reading of the countless maps on the walls of the Center for the Advancement of Public Action, and have announced to the school that the maps foretell the coming of a new member of the Literature faculty. "It has been seen in the lines of the arctic," spoke representative Hilburn Katthie, "And in the blistering desert of the Atacama, that a new member of the faculty rides forth on an ivory steed, soon to darken our blighted campus." This event was followed by the ritual destruction of the weakest of the maps, and its immolation in honor of the CAPA Lens.

03/27/2019

BREAKING NEWS: FRANKLIN ENDS VOW OF SILENCE

In an exciting development, House Franklin is finally to end their vow of silence, a tradition the house has maintained for more than fifty years. "It's really cool to get to finally talk out loud," Whispered Franklin House Chair Sooth Albin, their voice hoarse from years of disuse. "I've always wondered what my friends and roommates have sounded like." The house, in celebration of this freedom, have taken to howling and yelling at all hours of the night, and the raucous partying and strange noises can be heard as far as Crossett library.

03/26/2019

"NO ONE CAN AFFORD PAINT ANYMORE!" STARVING VAPA KOBOLDS PROTEST BOOKSTORE PRICE HIKES

The kobolds underneath VAPA have come out in force today, protesting the rising prices of art supplies at the Bennington Bookstore. "It'sssss completely unfair!" Hissed kobold representative Hsz Thzsndlk, while crawling upside down through an air duct. "Everyone's being sssssso careful with their paintsssss, that there'sssss nothing for ussss to eat!" The kobolds, who can only subsist on partially-used art supplies, have grown so desperate for nutrients that they've taken to licking the tables in the life drawing room. "This is a complete travesty." Commented SEPC Representative Helbin A'Coolidge, "With the kobolds unable to eat, not only is it damaging an important part of the catacomb ecosystem, but we no longer have guides to help us navigate to our classes." Several Visual Arts students were spotted attempting to find VAPA E109 without the help of their kobold allies, to no success.

03/25/2019

WINTER GOD SHALL NOT END BOOTH'S SUFFERING UNTIL SACRED SACRIFICE IS PROVIDED

Surtal, the ancient Hungarian god of snow, storms and broken glass, announced on Sunday that, "I shalt not lift my curse of storms most endless over the ancient House of Booth 'til beast of broken soul be placed upon mine mantle." He continued to explain that, according to the ancient pacts forged between his pantheon and members of House Booth in 1959, every decade a sacrifice must be provided in order to keep the house healthy and wise. Unaware of this pact, the most recent members of House Booth have failed to provide this sacrifice. "I guess this means we are just living in our own snowstorm now, huh." Remarked Booth House Chair Jakyor Kneeb. "The weather's rough and the biting chill is irritating, but until we can dig up the ancient scrolls, I guess this is how it's gonna be."

UPDATE: Several neighboring houses have ventured into the localized snowstorm to throw snowballs and other acts of 'mischief.'

03/23/2019

To my loyal readers and friends,

Thank you for supporting the first full week of the Bennington Truth. I'll be publishing an article once a day, Monday through Friday, at 11am. I might publish a Saturday OP:ED on some days, if I have anything worth saying.

The Bennington Truth is dedicated to bringing a satirical eye to a college which increasingly feels like a made-up world where nothing makes sense. My intention is to always punch up - at institutions that frustrate us, and at behaviors we perpetrate that deserve to be called out. There's certain topics I'll generally be avoiding - I won't be making light of serious current events that aren't tied to students, like the upcoming union negotiations. I'll be doing my best to handle issues which impact marginalized groups with care and respect. When I do address stuff like that, it's because I'm attempting to call out behavior and institutional issues, not mock marginalized identities or experiences. If at any point you feel I've failed to do so, please let me know and I'll course-correct.

I'm anonymous because I don't want this to be a vanity project, and while if you figure out who I am, you're welcome to ask me about it, I'd rather you didn't poke around. I'm not anonymous for any malicious reason or because "the work should speak for itself." I just know I'll get an inflated ego about it if I don't keep some veneer between myself and the page.

Also, if you think this content is funny, please share with others! This has spread really well by basically word-of-mouth alone, and I'd love to keep getting the word out. Also, I'm very very poor, and if anyone wants to toss a few dollars my way because they like the content, I can set up a Ko-Fi or a Patrenmo or whatever we have these days.

Keep speaking truth to power in all aspects of your life,

The Bennington Truth

The Bennington Truth

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