Mike's Neurodivergent Toolbox

Mike's Neurodivergent Toolbox I am a late-diagnosed autistic with ADHD.
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I continue to struggle with a lifetime of unaddressed disabilities, but I hope that my efforts provide help and understanding to others with similar stories.

12/09/2025

It started last week. Amanda's car developed a cracked back glass. Of course this meant juggling cars between family members (fortunately an option). On Friday I took a few hours off of work to cover over the hole to make it functional.

But already my routines and sense of stability have been challenged. Cassidy was away for much of the weekend. When I go to pick her up my car begins to malfunction. I park it at home and end up driving Amanda's car, with the plastic sheet where glass should be, in dismal cold weather.

I manage to get that car fixed (an unexpected expense), but things are still not feeling right. There was a weather delay to school this morning, so yet another blip in my routine and none of my regular alone time this morning.

I arrive at work two hours beyond my usual time, dreading having to stay late, but it's my week to do so. I get the news from the mechanic regarding my car, $6,000 for a new transmission. I do what I can, given the fact that I am at work, to figure out if I can find a less expensive way to take care of the issue but just want the entire nightmare over.

I investigate a work order in what I had hoped would be an unoccupied apartment, but am thrown off when someone is there. I break one of the flapper tabs on the toilet while trying to fix it. I begin searching for a compatible tank for a quick switch, but my boss notices me running from one empty apartment to another and insists on replacing the entire unit.

So it's the agony of lifting entire assembled toilets (he has a hernia, I guess I'm next in line for that), trying to switch them out with an anxious resident in and out of our space (and having to share work space with others usually overloads me anyway). Then the replacement doesn't want to mount properly.

I had already had too much before this ordeal began but when sent back to the shop to get tools and supplies I melt down dramatically. Screaming, crying, pounding on the desk, hitting myself with tools. My boss finds me like this and tells me to go home.

I am back and calmed down but it's far from over. I wish I didn't have to maintain an automobile and have never liked the life that society in the United States has built around always having to be somewhere, furnishing your own ride at your own expense and anxiety. But I don't have a choice. Today is my daughter's birthday. I don't want to bring down the mood and I will pretend like I'm OK. At least until the next time it's just too much.

Until then I will remind myself that the distress is temporary and that I will make it through. And I can continue to be mindful and make choices that do not endanger my health and welfare. I will deal with work tomorrow, but if anyone has any good printable material on "autistic meltdowns and the workplace," let me know.

12/07/2025

Limitations

I have been thinking a great deal about limitations lately. First, there are natural limitations that we all have. I have yet to find a way to transcend time and space. Others are more specific to individuals. The odds are very much against me becoming a professional athlete even if I wanted that. Then of course there are limitations imposed by disabilities. For those of us on the autistic spectrum most of those limitations (and I don’t mind using that word) have to do with processing, including sensory sensitivities. In themselves, they are neither good or bad, but must be identified and addressed if we are to live our best lives, just as would be true of any other disability.

Secondly, there are the limitations imposed by others or society. They are not necessarily bad, but can be. For instance, there are many non-negotiable realities in my life that are the natural outcome of roles I have assumed and the necessity of making my way in the world. Some have been adjusted with my disabilities in mind, others I simply must accept. Certainly I always have the choice not to honor my responsibilities and do whatever I like, but I don’t believe that would bring about a better life for me, and certainly not for my family and others who maintain a justified claim to my time and efforts. But I would never deny that far too many unjust socially-imposed limitations exist. Denying or telling others to “just change your attitude” when ableism, racism, sexism and other inequities are identified only compounds the harm caused by these unnecessary limitations.

Finally there are the limitations we place on ourselves, the ones that we rarely talk about and which probably cause the most discomfort. This amounts to making an “I can’t” out of an “I won’t” or an “I don’t want to.” I completely understand why we do this, especially for those of us who have struggled immensely to maintain any kind of balance and stability. Much of our self-limiting behavior is completely healthy and is an appropriate response to acknowledging our natural limitations, especially on the part of those with disabilities that may have been hidden even from ourselves for much of our lives. In such cases telling someone to “get out of your rut” is insensitive and ableist, and I definitely don’t want to be “that guy.”

But I have found it necessary to work myself out of harmful self-limiting that I did not recognize. And of the three kinds of limitations, self-limitation is the one that I can do the most about. Post-diagnosis I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into isolation from my immediate social world. I told myself that “I am simply bad with people” as a justification. I now recognize that avoiding people as much as possible is neither my natural preference nor what is necessary for survival but part of the troublesome narrative I had adopted to evade discomfort. Moving forward demands that I discover ways of interacting with others that do not produce anxiety, difficult, but not impossible.

Change is scary, especially for people on the spectrum. Leaving what is safe and known can be profoundly upsetting and I have learned that when I do it I must do it incrementally. But as someone with addiction issues (and I am willing to bet that I am not alone in this) my survival is at stake. One reason why addictions are so difficult to set aside is that our bodies have literally programmed themselves around the addiction, so that any attempt to abandon the substance or activity can be registered as a mortal threat. Thus venturing into new territory can be all the more terrifying, and this is why those who are wanting change (for any reason) need as much hope, purpose and support as they can find, which is also why appeals to simply “shape up” or “clean up your act” don’t work.

So at least in my situation when it comes to limitations I am learning to ask myself new questions. When I feel that “I can’t” I know that I need to find out what kind of limitation I am facing: natural, social, or self-imposed. Is it something I can do anything about, and if so, do I want to look for change and how do I do it? If it is a self-limitation, is it a healthy one or am I protecting something that feels comfortable but is ultimately hurting me?

As for what I share on this page, I am now facing this dilemma. It’s not my business to tell anyone else that they need to change in any way, and if they make that decision, it’s on their own time and in their own way. But I do want to share what has been working for me. So there you have it, take what helps, if anything, and leave the rest.

Not a boast or flex but yes, I am into new territory. This has been my lunch for the last three weeks: a healthy wrap an...
12/05/2025

Not a boast or flex but yes, I am into new territory. This has been my lunch for the last three weeks: a healthy wrap and salad.

Good afternoon. My present dilemma is that while I am doing better personally than I have ever been since taking my musi...
12/02/2025

Good afternoon.

My present dilemma is that while I am doing better personally than I have ever been since taking my musings public a year and a half ago, I have never been less certain about how I should proceed.

I just deleted most of my recent posts. While my number of followers is gradually rising I seem to be losing many of my core supporters. I try not to read too much into that but I can’t help but notice.

The fact is that I am going in new directions. I may therefore be out of my depth and it may not be a good idea to offer what has been essentially public journaling lately. I apologize if I have seemed off base on any topic.

My plan is to let my random thoughts incubate as I dig deeper into many issues then offer more fully-baked content at some point. Until then you will have mostly updates and far less “heavy” content from me.

Thanks for sticking around, hope you are all well,

Mike

11/21/2025

I am re-calibrating by abstaining from social media for a week. Maybe more!

11/19/2025

From a new project, might become book #2:

Autistics are often told that we “overthink” or are “too smart for our own good.” We have developed such tendencies, often misread as character flaws, as survival mechanisms. For example, since we are challenged in engaging in spontaneous conversation we spend a great deal of time rehearsing scripts for various situations in our heads. We have difficulties in knowing how to react or assess situations in real time and thereby expend a great deal of mental energy examining contingencies so as to prepare ourselves for the unexpected.

These strategies should not be confused with needless worry but as mechanisms created to avoid the anxiety of being misunderstood (which often involves harsh consequences for autistic people) or of finding one’s self overwhelmed to the point of shutdown or meltdown. What may seem like too much thinking is nothing more than what we have found necessary to cope in a world that often moves too fast for our already over-stimulated systems to process.

Moreover, the only advantage to being a relatively low support needs autistic is that while challenged in areas that most others can take for granted, we generally excel in at least one way that can set us apart. As we are rarely socially adept or fun to be around by conventional standards, any noteworthy abilities we have, usually involving “smarts,”become our redeeming value (especially for those of us who never knew that we were autistic until later in life). We have to play to our strengths in order to survive. The fact that we often “lead with” whatever intelligence we posses in new settings is often incorrectly interpreted as being arrogant, unteachable or pedantic.

While I agree that over-analysis can be harmful, telling me to stop thinking is the equivalent of telling me to stop breathing. Do I wish that I could turn off my constantly busy mind at will? Of course. But "you think to much" stands as such a negation of who I am that it leaves no place from which to make personal progress. A primary challenge is to find other ways of calming my mind while discovering positive avenues for channeling my thoughts. Thinking per se is not the problem. Distinguishing between good and bad thinking is the objective. And reaching the point of not thinking at all should never be the goal for anyone. The world needs more thoughtfulness and less thoughtlessness.

11/16/2025

My latest review. I have the book at its now permanent markdown price of $9.50 USD or the equivalent elsewhere. I would probably change a few things if I were to write it again, but I still endorse it as informative and a good snapshot of where I was about a year ago. US and UK links in comments.

Succinct while being super informative & engaging!

Not Me, Us is filled with helpful information on autism and what it’s like to be diagnosed later in life.

The author manages to both inform and entertain us and does so with warmth, wisdom and compassion for all potential types of readers.

I really enjoy his writing style and appreciate how he is inclusive and open-minded, understanding of all potential points of view while asserting his knowledge and wisdom from very personal experiences.

Mike managed to make a reader like myself (a middle aged woman with my own history of feeling misunderstood and alien in the world and among my peers), furiously nod in agreement, chuckle at his wit and humor, and do a lot of “ohhhhh, I think I understand now!” I recall a few silent ‘thank you’s’ as well!

I have had the honor of meeting a handful of (diagnosed) autistic individuals over the last year or so and reading Mike’s book has better explained and even cleared up a few things I didn’t fully grasp before reading it.

I am truly grateful for that and for his willingness to be vulnerable enough to bravely share his truth and his life in order to help others with autism and those who love them.

I absolutely recommend Not Me, Us, to anyone wanting to better understand life as a late diagnosed autistic person, those seeking a diagnosis or understanding, or anyone interested in the topic!

Thank you, Mike, Truly!

11/15/2025

I will be focusing on health and personal growth for a while because that is where I am, but I will relate all I say to neurodivergence.

When one embarks on this path one of the first experiences can be dealing with the daunting number of directives. For instance, "remain mindful" or "avoid your triggers" are great directives. Keeping them in mind, for people with attention issues, can be difficult. Directives in general can be a problem for people with a PDA (pathological demand avoidance, in the less than affirming clinical lingo) profile.

This is not to say that it is impossible. The best directive for me is "stay open to new ideas and approaches." We hopefully find what works for us.

I believe that this is why one-size-fits-all approaches, such as the way that CBT is typically practiced or twelve-step groups (for those of us who fit that category) don't work for quite a few neurodivergent people. The directives either do not make sense, or there are too many "musts" or there is a lack of attention to tailoring the approach individual needs.

And when the individual fails, they are blamed. "You didn't try hard enough" or "you did it the wrong way" is what we hear, rather than "how can we make this work for you?" Maintaining the perception that the programs and strategies being offered are infallible takes precedence over actually helping people.

Again, I am hopeful. As with any other facet of life, what works for most people may not work for us. We have to be resourceful and cobble together our own strategies. Some elements will be eclectic bits and pieces of what others use, some will be entirely our own creation. And this can be a lot to ask from people who are often in survival mode.

However, while I can't speak for anyone else, I am at a point where being stuck and not growing is not an option I can live with. For too long I let my diagnosis serve as an excuse for not doing so, but I would never accuse others of doing the same. In some sense, we are all exactly where we need to be. We awaken to new possibilities, if we must, when the time is right.

Everyone have a wonderful weekend,

Mike

11/14/2025

I believe that most human beings learn, in part, from mimicking those around them. What is different about many neurodivergent people, including myself, is the degree to which we do this and the fact that we can take this tendency far beyond early childhood.

I never had a strong sense of self. Alexithymia, which makes it difficult for me to identify or express my emotions, is probably a primary cause. And in cases where I asserted my unmasked self I was usually met with harsh responses. So I learned to become a chameleon of sorts, going with the flow even when it didn't suit me, often only to feel safe.

As a result I became very impressionable even as an adult. When feeling unbalanced and wondering which path to take, with no clear internal cues, I would look around and try what seemed to be working for others. I would even use some notion of a grand purpose to rationalize: those people must have been put in my life so that I could model my beliefs and attitudes on theirs. (I am not saying that this is never true, only that I took it to an extreme).

Or else it took very little, perhaps a character with whom I identified on a TV show who had a certain habit or interest, to tip me in that direction.

I have to remember that my impressionability is not part of my neurodivergence, but something that developed as a coping strategy. But it is another example of how what seems to work can become problematic.

Establishing a firm sense or self can be difficult. How do I know what to w**d out, stuff that was never "me" to begin with, and what I should keep? Where do I go for guidance without falling into the same pattern of mirroring what I find in my environment?

The upside is that the self, or one's perception thereof, can be a formidable obstacle in spiritual and personal growth. Insofar as my awareness of self is amorphous and somewhat insubstantial, I may enjoy more freedom and less difficulty than most as I seek transformation.

Just food for thought. I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

11/13/2025

Negative self-talk becomes a problem for many of us, partly because we have lived our lives hearing it from others, either directly or through insinuation. We are acutely aware of what others perceive to be our flaws and limitations. Eventually we begin to believe what we are told.

For a time, when people asked me how I was doing I would say "better than I deserve." Statements like "I am a loser" or "I am a bad person" or "I am a bad kid" (no doubt the inner child making a statement before I ever became aware that it was there) would bubble to consciousness and were often said out loud.

Well-meaning people may say "Don't say that! It's not true!" However, expecting someone to change their self-perception simply because directed to believe otherwise is something like telling a depressed person to cheer up.

With some hindsight, the most pernicious aspect of negative self-talk is that it objectifies the self, viewing it as monolithic, static and unalterable. It leaves no room for change or growth and becomes self-fulfilling. If I am a "bad person" then nobody, including myself, should be surprised when I do "bad things."

Negative self-talk is thus a dysfunctional coping mechanism that relieves us of being disappointed in ourselves or taking responsibility for our own development.

So the question, when we hear this or say such things about ourselves, should be, "I am sorry you feel this way. What makes you think that? What would it take for you to see yourself differently, and what can you do to begin to make that happen?" It's not easy, but better than the alternative.

11/12/2025

TW: Childhood trauma

As I continue my work on personal transformation and healing, I cannot ignore the past, though I can't allow myself to get stuck there either. Most late-identified neurodivergent people have had a traumatic life, often in their formative years, which makes establishing a healthy manner of coping difficult for anyone.

The leading indicator of the severity of childhood trauma is the ACE (Adverse Childhood Experience) questionnaire, link provided below. As one's ACE score increases, so does one's risk of health, social and emotional problems.

I am fortunate to have a very low score, but many have observed that this metric as so defined misses many sources of trauma, such as those experienced beyond the household, or, I would add, being compelled to constantly efface one's natural inclinations to meet neuronormative standards. Some clinicians have created expanded versions of the questionnaire, but none address neurodiversity specifically, to my knowledge. As I am grateful to have never been exposed to much of what is measured, I believe that my score does not match my experience given the lack of nuance in the questions.

Unfortunately much of this dysfunction is transferred from one generation to the next, one reason why us parents should seriously examine ourselves so that our issues are not passed on. This is probably my primary reason for not being keen on allowing my diagnosis, given my present awareness, to become a source of justification. How I deal with life makes a difference.

I offer this mainly as a vehicle for discussion and perhaps self-discovery for those who have not explored this before.

11/11/2025

Today I want to talk about a trap I have fallen into, and if I have done so, countless others have probably made the same mis-step.

As a very late self-aware neurodivergent person, my first order of business was to establish understanding, explaining to the world that I am different not deficient but that allowances are in order as a manner of giving me a better chance to live my best life.

The confusion on my part was to think that I could rest at that point. Certainly the accommodations I now enjoy have provided some insulation from continued trauma. Many if not most of my problems were the result of the incongruity between my natural way of being and the world in which I found myself.

But in establishing a better ongoing situation (and I confess that many of us never get there) I was ignoring all of the baggage of the past. I believed that the problem was all external.

This is not to say that I have concluded that I am the problem. However, if I do not work on myself I am bound to find myself miserable in any situation given all that accumulated trauma. Knowing of my neurodiversity was a necessary condition to approach all of that pain and difficulty with awareness.

But I must admit that in order to evolve beyond a troubled individual I have to work on me. Though it may not be my fault, many of my habits of thought and ways of approaching life, though understandable given my circumstances, are deeply problematic in the long run.

I am not pointing fingers or scolding but when I look at the world of adult-identified advocacy I see many like myself: very articulate and knowledgeable about the issues, but still mired in personal trauma, self-pity, emotional volatility, addictions (you can be addicted to your own drama) and bitterness. It may not always be on the surface but it is there, making us very unhappy people. And often the freedom from obligations which were too much for us in the past only opens the gate to sink deeper into self-destructive habits of thought and action.

Working on me is the hardest work I will ever do. I can't afford to go to therapists or doctors except occasionally, but much of what I need (for instance, there are ample sources on how to identify and address childhood trauma online) may not fit within the boundaries of traditional therapy or medicine. I am just beginning this journey, but doing my best to keep an open mind.

We need continued advocacy that addresses everything we face "out there." And I plan to continue to be part of that. I can't offer any guidance or answers at this point other than to make this statement, but we need to turn inward as well, for our own good and for the benefit of those around us.

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