Mike's Neurodivergent Toolbox

Mike's Neurodivergent Toolbox I am a late-diagnosed autistic with ADHD.
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I continue to struggle with a lifetime of unaddressed disabilities, but I hope that my efforts provide help and understanding to others with similar stories.

10/20/2025

We are recovering from the shock of having an exchange student we had hoped to host for the entire school year decide that we weren't a "good fit." What makes it worse is that this is the second year running that this has happened.

I consider it a good experience for my family, even though it entails more responsibilities for all of us. My wife, who has been involved with the company that arranges the exchange year, and my daughter, who has thought she had a friend who is suddenly gone, probably feel this more than I do but I am very saddened too.

Much of it is probably spoiled kids (they exist in all nations) who want to max out the perks and luxuries available to them while they are here. We live modestly, some other host families live in million dollar houses with in-ground swimming pools and are constantly eating out and going on trips (and as the regional students meet regularly, I am certain that they share these experiences among themselves). We can't compete with that.

Of course I can't say that this is the main reason with any certainty. Our first two exchange students remained the entire time and didn't want to leave. I don't want to make this "about me," but I have worried that my disabilities (and the fact that I am kind of strange and quiet and keep to myself a lot) might be a factor. I have been more "out" with the last two students, especially since the publication of the book and my other activities in the community, but I haven't hidden my AuDHD from any of them. Some people are just uneasy around us. I don't condone or accept it as inevitable but at the same time I can't mask heavily in my own home just to appease.

Of course this is all speculation and I cannot blame myself, but this does serve as an example of how complicated life can be.

10/19/2025

So what does being a diagnosed "level one" autistic in my fifties "get me?"

I address this because my status as such seems to be a topic of contention.

From one side, that of the caretakers of those who need constant attention and care, I can be seen as a threat. Thankfully, that's not all of you, and I do my best to be a bridge builder along these lines. I go out of my way to acknowledge that there is an immense difference in kind and degree between what I require and what others require. I never proclaim that all autism is the same autism. I can't claim to advocate for this contingency because it isn't my experience.

Though it hasn't been directed at me very often, the profoundly (I know that some of you don't like that term but I am using it anyway) autistic proxies often accuse people such of myself of "taking" resources away from those who very much need them. In my case, I get no help from the government. Where I live, I would have to be disabled in another way even to apply for such aid. I have received some guidance from non-profits that is free to anyone who calls the line.

In short, my support structure is something I appreciate greatly, but establishing those life-improving measures has been substantially up to me. Even vocational guidance is unavailable unless I were to suddenly find myself without a job (that kind of help could have made a great difference in my youth, but it's water under the bridge at this point).

Perhaps in some localities there really is a competition for resources. But in my experience I am lucky to have what I have, and remain a victim of my own ad-hoc ability to function. I identify as autistic with my best understanding of how varied the spectrum can be. I acknowledge that adult "actually autistic" advocates can tend to talk over or deny the experiences of those who are unable to establish social media accounts for themselves and make their needs known. I only plead to their proxies to not paint us all with the same brush.

This does not mean that I embrace the "causes and cures" mentality, which actually does take resources away from all people on the spectrum. And so I turn to those who, while like myself are labelled high-functioning, struggle to do so on a daily basis. And I admit that the fact that I have been able to obtain a diagnosis at my age reveals a fair amount of privilege.

This does not mean that I take my diagnosis for granted. But it has improved my life, and I can't pretend otherwise. There are those within the community who actually believe that an official diagnosis indicates capitulation to an oppressive mindset, and that those who benefit in any way are complicit.

While I grant that being certified by a doctor with the appropriate qualifications is probably arbitrary, excluding many who need support for a regrettable multitude of reasons, I don't consider myself among the bad guys for going that route. I had to swim upstream and fight the system for all I have achieved, including some tepid work accommodations, but honestly I may have given up on life years ago without my diagnosis. I certainly would not be here telling me story. (If you have read the book, you know of my experience of being denied at nearly every turn along the way).

So yes, my diagnosis did get me a new life, but not in any way that subtracts from anyone else. What I am doing these days is my best attempt to "pay it forward." Some will get it, some won't. And I make a conscious effort to show compassion for anyone on the spectrum who struggles in ways that I have either surpassed or are not within my experience.

I tried making French pastry puffs for breakfast (from the old Betty Crocker cookbook). Very rich, with a thick batter. ...
10/19/2025

I tried making French pastry puffs for breakfast (from the old Betty Crocker cookbook). Very rich, with a thick batter. They were good. Now I have the Gaston song from Beauty and the Beast stuck in my head, must be the French thing.

10/18/2025

So what do I say to the "just be yourself" crowd?

First, I generally believe that they have good intentions. They want me to be comfortable and genuine and perhaps sense that I may not be willing to let it "all hang loose." Of course that could be intended more for their comfort than mine, but I am willing to extend the benefit of the doubt.

We often give this "uptight and guarded" vibe to non-ND people, and I admit this was me long before I or anyone else knew the full story. So naturally they want us to "be ourselves," unaware of how odd that may turn out to be. Being ourselves in that context means "differences, but within limits." Since the limits can be difficult for us to understand, and the fact that there are limits seems to nullify the "just be yourself" dictum, that advice is well-meant but usually useless.

Much of this was in my younger years, though, and since none of the parties were informed, I am forgiving. They wanted me to be part of a tribe that didn't suit me, and nobody can be blamed for that. This does not of course excuse any outright abuse. But I am evolved enough to acknowledge that people often wanted to include me but didn't know how.

Then there is the ND crowd. Whenever masking, or questions of identity, or honest struggles with disability are mentioned, someone is bound to state "just be yourself." Again, well-intended.

But some of us who have been pretending to be someone other than we are as a manner of survival, often for decades, may not really know how to just be ourselves. There are usually non-negotiable elements in our lives such as family or work obligations. Total authenticity is not an option, especially when we consider how many of us are torn between identities as a matter of intersectionality. Being one's self has its grave consequences for too many people.

So to both parties wanting us to be ourselves:

"Thank you. I honestly wish it were that simple, but you are obviously not fully aware of my situation or that of most others like me.

I hope that you enjoy and will come to acknowledge the privilege you have in being yourself. Cherish your authenticity, but do not proclaim it as the norm for everyone to follow and do better to investigate the situations of other people before offering platitudes.

Often our survival is at stake. 'Being ourselves' could endanger us in ways that you are apparently hesitant to imagine."

I confess to being fairly privileged myself. If I have to carefully pick when and where to "be myself," I can't imagine how it must be for others.

But I do hope for a world where more authenticity is within reach for everyone. I don't mean to scold, only to inform.

10/17/2025

To elaborate on yesterday's post:

There is a difference between being ashamed of being autistic (I am not, and hope that nobody else is) and sometimes wanting to experience life beyond the limitations of one's disability. I often wish I could be at ease in social settings and interact easily and intuitively. I would like to have been able to participate more in life and the lives of my loved ones without the barriers my autism presents. That's not internalized ableism, just an honest assessment that acknowledges that even in the best situations being autistic is not 100 percent positive.

I would not accuse a paraplegic who wanted to take a walk in the park in the manner that non-disabled people can do of internalized ableism. I think we too often use that term to shame people into believing that they must understand their autism a certain way, and in my view that's not much better than being ableist.

10/17/2025

It’s not wrong for an autistic person to want to be more “normal.” But it is wrong to insist that we must be.

One of my least favorite home maintenance tasks, besides braving my low, dark, spider infested crawl space (fortunately ...
10/15/2025

One of my least favorite home maintenance tasks, besides braving my low, dark, spider infested crawl space (fortunately a rare occurrence) is going up on the roof to clean the gutters.

I am blessed to have a home to care for though and fortunately I don’t have much of a climb (yes I am acrophobic). But this time of year I am up there every few weeks.

I've just reached 2K followers! Thank you for continuing support. I could never have made it without each one of you. 🙏🤗...
10/12/2025

I've just reached 2K followers! Thank you for continuing support. I could never have made it without each one of you. 🙏🤗🎉

10/12/2025

I make this point often, but here I will provide some details: There is no one correct way to be autistic or neurodivergent. This is one of my main themes, especially as I came to the conversation late in life. And in each of the items I mention, there are good ND reasons for being one way or the other, or somewhere in the middle.

Some of us are picky eaters and some of us are adventurous ones.

Some of us thrive in clutter and some of us are neatniks.

Similarly, some of us are packrats and some are minimalists.

Some of us have a flamboyant physical presentation, with bold hair colorings, tattoos, piercings and such. Others prefer to be understated in their appearance.

Some of us are morning people, some are night owls.

Some of us prefer another ND partner, some an NT one, some take it on a case by case basis. Or have no desire to have a partner.

Some of us are very religious, some are not. The same applies to political leanings.

Some of us would rather go with the flow because doing so produces less anxiety. Some are very outspoken and contrarian.

I could provide many more examples. And unless someone is advocating something that is against our interests any of the above is totally OK with me. If being one way or another doesn't interrupt my life, I always respect and embrace differences.

(Adapted from a post on 10/11/24. I know that I was on the right track when I agree with myself a year later).

Unofficial date night. Our exchange student bailed on us (long story) and our lovely daughter is at her homecoming party...
10/11/2025

Unofficial date night. Our exchange student bailed on us (long story) and our lovely daughter is at her homecoming party.

So I had a discount at the neighborhood curry house. Take away my autism card but I am not into bland, boring food on a regular basis (sorry if I can be somewhat disparaging of what seems to me self-stereotyping along these lines).

It was great, the right level of spiciness and we tried a few new to us things. I have loved food from this part of the world since I first tried it in my thirties, and it is a good match for my vegetarian lifestyle.

10/11/2025

People often notice the incongruity between my capabilities and my status, especially vocationally. Well-meaning people often make suggestions regarding what I "ought" to do to improve myself. This was my experience long before I had any understanding of the autistic spectrum. Many of you have undoubtedly had the same experience.

The "blunt" reply would be "If it were that easy, don't you think that I would have tried it by now?" But I do my best to be more polite.

But the perennial issue for so many of us is exactly this: bridging the gap between capability and what we actually attain, not only in terms of earning a living but in every area of our lives. The incongruity itself is usually a prime indicator of the presence of so-called hidden or invisible disabilities.

The barriers are not always obvious. Most of us expend so much energy and effort in simply functioning that we do not have enough to spare in terms of self-improvement. Existing structures are not configured for the manner in which we process and operate, so that we experience a diminished likelihood of thriving or achieving our full potential.

The conversation often ends abruptly when I tell people that my lack of status or success has nothing to do with effort and stems from systemic barriers. Given a conducive environment I can accomplish a great deal.

When we suggest that systems need to change for people who have challenges that are not always apparent, those who benefit from those systems will balk and accuse those who have been disadvantaged by them of seeking "special treatment" (hence the anti-DEI measure now at play in the US).

Will I ever "live up to my potential"? Probably not in the manner expected by ableist standards, but much of my post-diagnosis life has been devoted to reclaiming whatever potential I am able to actualize, mostly by my own efforts. But I am among the fortunate minority in having the resources and support to facilitate these aspirations. And so I have a great deal of sympathy for those who continue to lack the opportunity and self-awareness that has changed my life for the better--even if the Ph.D. or six-figure income will never be on my list of accomplishments.

10/10/2025

I don’t speak as any kind of expert, but does anyone remember attitudes towards Down’s Syndrome forty or fifty years ago?

There was a lot of talk about tragedy and loss, parent blaming (I heard “that’s what happens when you have kids that late in life” more than once) and other speculation about causes, etc.

These days there is much less of that. People don’t hide their children with Downs and typically embrace who they are.

The similarities are not 100 percent but I believe we have been heading in that direction with autism. Which raises the question: are we in danger of reversing course with the narrative being offered by public officials here in the US (and perhaps elsewhere as well)? What concerns you the most regarding where we stand on the level of public policy where you live?

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