04/20/2025
The affirmations from friends continue. I thank Jade Farrington - Counsellor and Therapist for this thoughtful and detailed review.
You know when there's something you really mean to do, but things happen, and you forget. Then see something reminds you, but you can't do it right now... Rinse and repeat?
I've been meaning to read and post about this book since Mike from Mike's Neurodivergent Toolbox so kindly emailed it to me months ago. It was seeing a review from Brian at Autism Support Community that finally gave me the right shunt at the right time. So, with the sincerest of apologies to Mike, here's my very late reviewâŚ
Michael Howard is a late identified AuDHDer who lives over in North Carolina in the USA. He's the author of 'Not Me, Us: The Story of a Middle-Aged Autistic and the Quest to Empower Others with Similar Stories' and was diagnosed autistic aged 50.
When people discover their autistic identity in their 50s or 60s, there's often a lot to process around being poorly treated, and thoughts of what could have been.
Mike begins his very personal story by highlighting the struggles of finding community as a middle-aged autistic who has only recently had this key part of his identity confirmed. He has a newfound sense of purpose as an advocate seeking to increase representation of late-identified autistic elders.
These difficulties parallel the challenges experienced in his younger years, with difficulties making friends and unscrupulous people keen to take advantage.
Mike excelled academically, but struggled when he moved away from his support network. He threw himself into his philosophy studies, then lost interest. There will be more than a few other AuDHDers nodding along.
Mikeâs journey into discovering his neurodivergence began when a radio show covered Aspergerâs, as it was then known, and he realised he met all the diagnostic criteria. He booked an appointment with a professional but was dismissed because he had done well academically. Mike endured this for another 20 years whenever he attempted to broach the idea: âIn one instance, a therapist told me that since I came to her, and autistics do not like to interact with others, I could not be autistic. She added that even if I had been autistic at one point I would have grown out of it by my age.â
I wish I could say I hadnât heard this dozens of times before, but the level of ignorance about autism amongst many professionals is legitimately shocking, and even now autistic people are turned away for an absurd array of reasons â including some doctorâs ânot believing in itâ.
An ADHD diagnosis came for Mike in 2006, an autism in 2021. He understandably talks of his disappointment at the sense of feeling lost, and the fact that accommodations and adjustments didnât automatically follow. But Mike acknowledges the sad reality that for many, formal identification in the past meant harsh interventions designed not to support, but to try to make autistics appear more allistic â as is often still the case today.
Iâve yet to meet an autistic person who is âonlyâ autistic. Co-occurring neurodivergences and health conditions are the norm. An autistic who is also apraxic and has a learning disability (known as intellectual disabilities in the USA), for example, is likely to have a very different experience to an AuDHDer like Mike. He discusses the challenges that can come from this combination, describing it as sometimes putting him at odds with himself, while at other times traits amplify one another. Sometimes much can be achieved, but there are also a trail of unfinished projects and discarded interests. Mike also touches on his mental health difficulties; the loss of his friend at his own hand; and the stark reality of the su***de statistics for autistic people.
If youâre wondering whether to pursue a formal diagnosis later in life, Mike lays out what itâs meant for him, including self-acceptance, vindication, and accommodations at work and at home.
Mike dedicates a chapter to his work history and challenges, including the familiar autistic experiences of being unemployed and underemployed. He also shares the specific accommodations he has in place.
The book raises the important point of the lack of resources for older autistics. The vast majority of those approaching retirement age or older remain unidentified. We are only beginning to see more understanding and wider recognition in the youngest age groups, in part due to recategorisations in diagnostic criteria; understanding of different presentations; and increased screening. People like Wenn Lawson are leading the drive for more research into the experiences of older autistics, and bringing their needs to the table.
Thank you Mike for sharing your story!
Not Me, Us is available now on Amazon.
I am a late-diagnosed autistic with ADHD. I continue to struggle with a lifetime of unaddressed disabilities, but advocacy has enabled me to find my voice.
