Mike's Neurodivergent Toolbox

Mike's Neurodivergent Toolbox I am a late-diagnosed autistic with ADHD.
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I continue to struggle with a lifetime of unaddressed disabilities, but I hope that my efforts provide help and understanding to others with similar stories.

11/19/2025

From a new project, might become book #2:

Autistics are often told that we “overthink” or are “too smart for our own good.” We have developed such tendencies, often misread as character flaws, as survival mechanisms. For example, since we are challenged in engaging in spontaneous conversation we spend a great deal of time rehearsing scripts for various situations in our heads. We have difficulties in knowing how to react or assess situations in real time and thereby expend a great deal of mental energy examining contingencies so as to prepare ourselves for the unexpected.

These strategies should not be confused with needless worry but as mechanisms created to avoid the anxiety of being misunderstood (which often involves harsh consequences for autistic people) or of finding one’s self overwhelmed to the point of shutdown or meltdown. What may seem like too much thinking is nothing more than what we have found necessary to cope in a world that often moves too fast for our already over-stimulated systems to process.

Moreover, the only advantage to being a relatively low support needs autistic is that while challenged in areas that most others can take for granted, we generally excel in at least one way that can set us apart. As we are rarely socially adept or fun to be around by conventional standards, any noteworthy abilities we have, usually involving “smarts,”become our redeeming value (especially for those of us who never knew that we were autistic until later in life). We have to play to our strengths in order to survive. The fact that we often “lead with” whatever intelligence we posses in new settings is often incorrectly interpreted as being arrogant, unteachable or pedantic.

While I agree that over-analysis can be harmful, telling me to stop thinking is the equivalent of telling me to stop breathing. Do I wish that I could turn off my constantly busy mind at will? Of course. But "you think to much" stands as such a negation of who I am that it leaves no place from which to make personal progress. A primary challenge is to find other ways of calming my mind while discovering positive avenues for channeling my thoughts. Thinking per se is not the problem. Distinguishing between good and bad thinking is the objective. And reaching the point of not thinking at all should never be the goal for anyone. The world needs more thoughtfulness and less thoughtlessness.

11/16/2025

My latest review. I have the book at its now permanent markdown price of $9.50 USD or the equivalent elsewhere. I would probably change a few things if I were to write it again, but I still endorse it as informative and a good snapshot of where I was about a year ago. US and UK links in comments.

Succinct while being super informative & engaging!

Not Me, Us is filled with helpful information on autism and what it’s like to be diagnosed later in life.

The author manages to both inform and entertain us and does so with warmth, wisdom and compassion for all potential types of readers.

I really enjoy his writing style and appreciate how he is inclusive and open-minded, understanding of all potential points of view while asserting his knowledge and wisdom from very personal experiences.

Mike managed to make a reader like myself (a middle aged woman with my own history of feeling misunderstood and alien in the world and among my peers), furiously nod in agreement, chuckle at his wit and humor, and do a lot of “ohhhhh, I think I understand now!” I recall a few silent ‘thank you’s’ as well!

I have had the honor of meeting a handful of (diagnosed) autistic individuals over the last year or so and reading Mike’s book has better explained and even cleared up a few things I didn’t fully grasp before reading it.

I am truly grateful for that and for his willingness to be vulnerable enough to bravely share his truth and his life in order to help others with autism and those who love them.

I absolutely recommend Not Me, Us, to anyone wanting to better understand life as a late diagnosed autistic person, those seeking a diagnosis or understanding, or anyone interested in the topic!

Thank you, Mike, Truly!

11/15/2025

I will be focusing on health and personal growth for a while because that is where I am, but I will relate all I say to neurodivergence.

When one embarks on this path one of the first experiences can be dealing with the daunting number of directives. For instance, "remain mindful" or "avoid your triggers" are great directives. Keeping them in mind, for people with attention issues, can be difficult. Directives in general can be a problem for people with a PDA (pathological demand avoidance, in the less than affirming clinical lingo) profile.

This is not to say that it is impossible. The best directive for me is "stay open to new ideas and approaches." We hopefully find what works for us.

I believe that this is why one-size-fits-all approaches, such as the way that CBT is typically practiced or twelve-step groups (for those of us who fit that category) don't work for quite a few neurodivergent people. The directives either do not make sense, or there are too many "musts" or there is a lack of attention to tailoring the approach individual needs.

And when the individual fails, they are blamed. "You didn't try hard enough" or "you did it the wrong way" is what we hear, rather than "how can we make this work for you?" Maintaining the perception that the programs and strategies being offered are infallible takes precedence over actually helping people.

Again, I am hopeful. As with any other facet of life, what works for most people may not work for us. We have to be resourceful and cobble together our own strategies. Some elements will be eclectic bits and pieces of what others use, some will be entirely our own creation. And this can be a lot to ask from people who are often in survival mode.

However, while I can't speak for anyone else, I am at a point where being stuck and not growing is not an option I can live with. For too long I let my diagnosis serve as an excuse for not doing so, but I would never accuse others of doing the same. In some sense, we are all exactly where we need to be. We awaken to new possibilities, if we must, when the time is right.

Everyone have a wonderful weekend,

Mike

11/14/2025

I believe that most human beings learn, in part, from mimicking those around them. What is different about many neurodivergent people, including myself, is the degree to which we do this and the fact that we can take this tendency far beyond early childhood.

I never had a strong sense of self. Alexithymia, which makes it difficult for me to identify or express my emotions, is probably a primary cause. And in cases where I asserted my unmasked self I was usually met with harsh responses. So I learned to become a chameleon of sorts, going with the flow even when it didn't suit me, often only to feel safe.

As a result I became very impressionable even as an adult. When feeling unbalanced and wondering which path to take, with no clear internal cues, I would look around and try what seemed to be working for others. I would even use some notion of a grand purpose to rationalize: those people must have been put in my life so that I could model my beliefs and attitudes on theirs. (I am not saying that this is never true, only that I took it to an extreme).

Or else it took very little, perhaps a character with whom I identified on a TV show who had a certain habit or interest, to tip me in that direction.

I have to remember that my impressionability is not part of my neurodivergence, but something that developed as a coping strategy. But it is another example of how what seems to work can become problematic.

Establishing a firm sense or self can be difficult. How do I know what to w**d out, stuff that was never "me" to begin with, and what I should keep? Where do I go for guidance without falling into the same pattern of mirroring what I find in my environment?

The upside is that the self, or one's perception thereof, can be a formidable obstacle in spiritual and personal growth. Insofar as my awareness of self is amorphous and somewhat insubstantial, I may enjoy more freedom and less difficulty than most as I seek transformation.

Just food for thought. I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

11/13/2025

Negative self-talk becomes a problem for many of us, partly because we have lived our lives hearing it from others, either directly or through insinuation. We are acutely aware of what others perceive to be our flaws and limitations. Eventually we begin to believe what we are told.

For a time, when people asked me how I was doing I would say "better than I deserve." Statements like "I am a loser" or "I am a bad person" or "I am a bad kid" (no doubt the inner child making a statement before I ever became aware that it was there) would bubble to consciousness and were often said out loud.

Well-meaning people may say "Don't say that! It's not true!" However, expecting someone to change their self-perception simply because directed to believe otherwise is something like telling a depressed person to cheer up.

With some hindsight, the most pernicious aspect of negative self-talk is that it objectifies the self, viewing it as monolithic, static and unalterable. It leaves no room for change or growth and becomes self-fulfilling. If I am a "bad person" then nobody, including myself, should be surprised when I do "bad things."

Negative self-talk is thus a dysfunctional coping mechanism that relieves us of being disappointed in ourselves or taking responsibility for our own development.

So the question, when we hear this or say such things about ourselves, should be, "I am sorry you feel this way. What makes you think that? What would it take for you to see yourself differently, and what can you do to begin to make that happen?" It's not easy, but better than the alternative.

11/12/2025

TW: Childhood trauma

As I continue my work on personal transformation and healing, I cannot ignore the past, though I can't allow myself to get stuck there either. Most late-identified neurodivergent people have had a traumatic life, often in their formative years, which makes establishing a healthy manner of coping difficult for anyone.

The leading indicator of the severity of childhood trauma is the ACE (Adverse Childhood Experience) questionnaire, link provided below. As one's ACE score increases, so does one's risk of health, social and emotional problems.

I am fortunate to have a very low score, but many have observed that this metric as so defined misses many sources of trauma, such as those experienced beyond the household, or, I would add, being compelled to constantly efface one's natural inclinations to meet neuronormative standards. Some clinicians have created expanded versions of the questionnaire, but none address neurodiversity specifically, to my knowledge. As I am grateful to have never been exposed to much of what is measured, I believe that my score does not match my experience given the lack of nuance in the questions.

Unfortunately much of this dysfunction is transferred from one generation to the next, one reason why us parents should seriously examine ourselves so that our issues are not passed on. This is probably my primary reason for not being keen on allowing my diagnosis, given my present awareness, to become a source of justification. How I deal with life makes a difference.

I offer this mainly as a vehicle for discussion and perhaps self-discovery for those who have not explored this before.

11/11/2025

Today I want to talk about a trap I have fallen into, and if I have done so, countless others have probably made the same mis-step.

As a very late self-aware neurodivergent person, my first order of business was to establish understanding, explaining to the world that I am different not deficient but that allowances are in order as a manner of giving me a better chance to live my best life.

The confusion on my part was to think that I could rest at that point. Certainly the accommodations I now enjoy have provided some insulation from continued trauma. Many if not most of my problems were the result of the incongruity between my natural way of being and the world in which I found myself.

But in establishing a better ongoing situation (and I confess that many of us never get there) I was ignoring all of the baggage of the past. I believed that the problem was all external.

This is not to say that I have concluded that I am the problem. However, if I do not work on myself I am bound to find myself miserable in any situation given all that accumulated trauma. Knowing of my neurodiversity was a necessary condition to approach all of that pain and difficulty with awareness.

But I must admit that in order to evolve beyond a troubled individual I have to work on me. Though it may not be my fault, many of my habits of thought and ways of approaching life, though understandable given my circumstances, are deeply problematic in the long run.

I am not pointing fingers or scolding but when I look at the world of adult-identified advocacy I see many like myself: very articulate and knowledgeable about the issues, but still mired in personal trauma, self-pity, emotional volatility, addictions (you can be addicted to your own drama) and bitterness. It may not always be on the surface but it is there, making us very unhappy people. And often the freedom from obligations which were too much for us in the past only opens the gate to sink deeper into self-destructive habits of thought and action.

Working on me is the hardest work I will ever do. I can't afford to go to therapists or doctors except occasionally, but much of what I need (for instance, there are ample sources on how to identify and address childhood trauma online) may not fit within the boundaries of traditional therapy or medicine. I am just beginning this journey, but doing my best to keep an open mind.

We need continued advocacy that addresses everything we face "out there." And I plan to continue to be part of that. I can't offer any guidance or answers at this point other than to make this statement, but we need to turn inward as well, for our own good and for the benefit of those around us.

I don’t want to be guilty of crying “poor me” but I looked at closed work orders for the past week. I had completed all ...
11/10/2025

I don’t want to be guilty of crying “poor me” but I looked at closed work orders for the past week. I had completed all assigned to me, 14, plus 20 more assigned to others (34 total). This is in addition to taking out trash several times a day, my regular renovation work on many apartments and helping out with the ongoing bed bug treatments.

Meanwhile one colleague had completed nine and another eleven (but that one gets pardoned because he is the boss and takes care of administrative duties I don’t want). I think the other one milks favorite jobs for all they are worth and ignores what he doesn’t want to do until one of us takes care of it—or it’s assigned to me.

I know, I shouldn’t expect life to be fair, it only makes us miserable. And I will probably just sit on this until it might be useful, while continuing to document. But I am open to suggestions, including that somehow I have misread the situation.

11/09/2025

I want to talk about a difficult topic that does not get much coverage: neurodivergent impulsiveness.

For us AuDHD people the typical characterization is that we are constantly at odds with ourselves. Our autistic side wants routine and predictability, but our dopanime-starved ADHD brains want the excitement of acting impulsively. We also may find it difficult to understand delayed gratification.

I can be as impulsive as a nine-year-old on a sugar high and just as impressionable. It's not a popular thing to say but at least in my case I have a developmental disability; a large part of me, neurologically speaking, never made it beyond its formative stages. This is probably why I often feel as though I am a kid stuck in an adult body.

Often my autistic side joins forces with my ADHD side in acting on impulse, especially when the impulse delivers bodily comforts (such as eating junk food or eating too much) or when associated with a special interest (thus impulsively spending money on collections).

This can be a very ugly side to my neurodivergence that has negative consequences for both myself and everyone in my orbit. I can't romanticize it or shrug it off by stating "if everyone was more accepting, then it wouldn't be a problem." Nope, it's a problem and I need to deal with it more effectively.

Just yesterday I was thinking that since my work in the community had stalled I should maybe find a different use for the money I had saved from book sales and appearances. A few reels of guitar tutorials showed up in my Facebook feed and almost immediately I was dreaming of purchasing a guitar rig (I sold all of my gear several years ago, and you probably wouldn't know me now if I hadn't). This is my typical pattern of impressionability and acting on impulse.

Thankfully that all passed. In the future I need to be better about identifying and avoiding triggers. And when I cannot avoid the triggers, I can begin to forge new responses. Am I thinking of acting impulsively? Then write and brainstorm. Try to figure out what is missing that makes me behave this way and focus on dealing with that. Think ahead and recognize the regret and disappointment that is likely to follow.

I get why we do this (acting impulsively promises some tangible reward and becomes a coping mechanism) but it prohibits real progress and is among the tendencies that can make us hard to love. I probably will never completely unlearn this, but even after all of these years I can find ways to do better.

I brought my lovely looking glass begonia into the clubhouse anticipating a frost early in the week.
11/08/2025

I brought my lovely looking glass begonia into the clubhouse anticipating a frost early in the week.

11/02/2025

There can be a fine line between being neuro-affirming and offering ND exceptionalism.

Hanging out with the dwellers that have taken the space where my bunnies used to reside. I have to remember the Latin Am...
11/01/2025

Hanging out with the dwellers that have taken the space where my bunnies used to reside. I have to remember the Latin American influence in my household that observes day of the dead through tomorrow.

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