01/29/2023
Hey kiddo! So this weekend has been a great one for Real Estate. I closed one and got another under contract and have a listing coming and should have another house for a buyer under contract next week. Although I've been busy since coming back, I haven't been this busy in a week. It feels good to really getting back to the crazy chaotic life, but it's bitter sweet because I don't have you to tell it to. I don't think you full grasp how amazing it felt when you were excited for me and when you'd tell me you were proud of me. I did a lot of things no one was proud of in my life and unfortunately you were there to see quite a bit of that stage in my life. Looking back it kills me I ever disappointed you and although I did, I never did it with intent. But to hear you tell me the last 7 years how proud you were that I finally got my life back on track has been one of my best moments. I'm sorry I sometimes let you down, but I'm so glad I got to make you proud before you left this earth. The fact you really saw and acknowledged I was trying and eventually did some good things, you'll literally never know how that made feel. I felt like a failure for disappointing you and Kaedyn, but hearing and see you excited for me made me feel successful. Gosh I miss you more than anyone could even imagine. I've said this many times, but each time I say it the worst it's gotten. When you left us, looking back, idk how I managed to get out of bed, much less accomplished anything. I don't say this often but looking back I felt like strong in those moments. But now, it just doesn't make sense how thst feeling has gone away and I'm disappointed in myself that I'm going backwards with my grief instead of forwards. How could I have not fallen completely apart then and now I am more and more each day? I don't feel you much around me anymore, maybe thats part of why it's gotten harder. I know you're hear but I don't feel it like I did before. Although you're gone, I need you to give me a sign you're with me and maybe that you're proud of me still. I go back often and read text that you've sent to remind myself I wasn't a complete failure as a parent and it helps, but each time I read them, it gets harder and harder.
Ppl say it gets better with time, but it's gotten harder. Thinking about it, it getting harder makes more sense, because each day that passes, it's more of a reality and a reminder, you really aren't coming back and the missing you gets worse and worse. In 30 mins is my birthday and you know although I hated it, I secretly love the attention lol. But this year, there's no excitement and when I say I really want to not celebrate or even acknowledge it, I whole heartily mean it. Birthdays and holidays are so empty now. I don't want to celebrate anything because you're not here to do it with me. I'd hope this empty feeling was a phase that would eventually pass, but now I'm realizing it will forever be here. I know you want me to keep living my life inspite of missing you, but bud most of the days it's almost impossible.
I miss you so much and wished I'd get a hug or a birthday call like usual. But since you're not here to do that, I'm begging you please send me a sign. I feel silly writing this because duh you're not going to see it, but it does make me feel a tiny bit better and I'm having faith you can hear me say it as I'm typing it. My life will never be as happy and joyful since you're not here, but please somehow help me get past the darkness. I want to feel joy again and truly smile at things but I haven't been able to do it since April 1st. Please somehow make me know you're living big up there and you're ok. I love you so much bud! I wish I could hug you and see that smile again. One day, I do believe I will but it's not anywhere close to soon enough.
