08/01/2024
I've been really quiet here, which is not much like me. I love socializing, expressing, sharing cool things and celebrating people, and learning about myself and others. When Jack died three months ago, I didn't know what to do. Yes, my dog was my everything. I was okay because I had him. With no longer having him here, I didn't feel like much of the me that I was with him. So many buried emotions and feelings about other situations in my life came to the surface, and he wasn't there to make it better with his hugs and massive amounts of kisses and loves. I isolated and went inward, peeking out occasionally to get my kids to social events or to hit a bookstore. On rare occasions, I'd attempt socializing without crying, or I'd find more work or a project to do to keep myself preoccupied.
It's been interesting to see how life is unfolding now. Grief has reminded me of what's most important. It's shown me what I don't want and will not tolerate, and what I want more of and will treasure. Through this sorrow, I've created some of my best and most honest writing, places that I've never gone to before. I've had multiple opportunities to pause and rest to support my body, and I've cherished that. It's taught me to let go and breathe. This summer, I've had amazing quality time with my kids and built forever memories. Presence and communication are key to relationships! I've made cherished friends who've wiped away my tears and reminded me who I am when, at times over the past months, I forgot. I didn't stop crying, and that was absolutely okay. I've been supported, held, and loved in some completely unexpected ways, which I'm very grateful for. I've appreciated these beautiful pieces that weaved into a devastating time that brought some light, joy, and redirection through the transition of letting go.
I'm not the same me I was three months ago. She's gone. I needed time to mourn Jack and mourn me. I will still need that time for a while, I think, and that's okay. I'm moving in a direction of who I need and want to be now, rediscovering myself on a whole new level. My heart hurts, but I'm finding new ways for it to beat again.
