https://wayne-county-wire.printify.me/products

Wayne County Wire, Downtown Detroit, MI (2025)

09/07/2025

After watching the Lions stumble to a 27-13 defeat against the Green Bay Packers, longtime fan Holden Hiscock, 78, officially resumed his favorite fall activity: muttering “Same Old Lions” at least once every five minutes until January.

Witnesses say Hiscock first dropped the phrase midway through the second quarter after Jared Goff’s red-zone interception, leaning forward in his recliner and pointing at the TV like a prophet no one asked for. “It’s like muscle memory,” said his neighbor, Dee Flower. “The moment the Lions screw up, Holden’s mouth just starts moving on its own.”

By game’s end, Hiscock had reportedly said “Same Old Lions” 41 times, including twice to the delivery driver, once while brushing his dentures, and several times in his sleep. His family confirmed he also pulled his “SOL” beer koozie out of storage before halftime, a ritual he reserves for particularly ugly games.

“He was real quiet during the preseason, just sitting on his porch, whispering the words under his breath like he was practicing for church choir,” Flower added. “Now it’s showtime.”

At press time, Hiscock was seen re-folding his decades-old “Same Old Lions” banner, preparing to hang it from his garage door next week if Detroit loses to the Bears.

09/05/2025

A major cruise line has added a new stop for its Great Lakes itinerary: the Pawn Shop Treasure Hunt. Guests are whisked to Detroit’s most notorious pawn shops and encouraged to haggle for everything from dusty Motown vinyl to slightly suspicious electronics, and, for the truly daring, catalytic converters.

“It’s about the thrill of the hunt,” says tour guide Dixon Yass. “Whether it’s a warped Stevie Wonder cassette, a neon sign that may have been borrowed from a diner, or a catalytic converter that’s seen better days, it’s all part of the experience.”

Tourists search for rare albums, tambourines, vintage radios, early cell phones, and the occasional automotive treasure while local vendors share tales and subtly test their bargaining skills. Some leave with keepsakes, others with broken garden gnomes or very expensive car parts, and all with stories they’ll never forget.

Barry McCockiner from Ohio proudly displayed his $480 cassette and a slightly charred catalytic converter. “It was a steal—and the memories are priceless… mostly terrifyingly priceless,” he said.

Organizers suggest bringing cash, a sense of adventure, and maybe a lawyer for post-hunt negotiations. The Pawn Shop Treasure Hunt promises a truly Detroit experience: chaotic, slightly illegal-feeling, and completely unforgettable.

09/04/2025

Traffic ground to a halt at the Detroit–Windsor Tunnel Tuesday after a Michigan driver reportedly froze in panic, unsure whether 20°C required a hoodie, shorts, or possibly both.

According to witnesses, the man, identified only as Tony Handcock of Dearborn, rolled down his window, burst into tears, and shouted, “I just need to know if I’m gonna be cold!” before border agents could even ask for his passport.

“Usually it’s paperwork or unpaid tickets that cause delays,” said Canadian Border Services agent Hugh Jass. “But lately, more Americans are breaking down over Celsius conversions. We had one guy last week try to hand us a weather app just to prove he was dressed correctly.”

The standoff lasted 47 minutes, with drivers honking as Handcock Googled “20°C in freedom units” on his phone. Sources say he briefly attempted mental math before whispering, “Carry the nine? Divide by Canada?” and collapsing onto his steering wheel.

Local Windsor resident Edith Midick, who was stuck two cars behind, said the outburst was not surprising. “Detroiters can handle potholes the size of small lakes, but ask them to do metric and they melt down. Honestly, we should start putting conversion charts on the bridge.”

Officials confirmed Handcock was eventually allowed to cross after a Good Samaritan lent him a hoodie, though he has reportedly filed a complaint with Google Maps for “not warning him Canada uses weird numbers.”

Traffic is expected to return to normal once Americans are reminded that 20°C is “just kinda nice out.”

09/03/2025

In a move aimed at keeping energy levels high and vocal cords properly exercised, Ford Field announced Tuesday that all fans will now be required to participate in a “Jared Goff Chant” every seven minutes during games.

“Just like you need water to keep the body going, you need chants of Jared Goff’s name to keep morale strong,” said Lions spokesperson Dick Trickle, noting that ushers will circulate the stadium with decibel meters to ensure fans are chanting with the appropriate enthusiasm. “If you don’t chant, you’re not only letting yourself down, you’re letting the city of Detroit down.”

Fans who fail to join in risk a verbal warning, followed by immediate ejection after a second offense. “This is bigger than football,” Trickle continued. “This is about community, tradition, and the rhythmic bellowing of one man’s name echoing across the Great Lakes region.”

Season ticket holder Betty Humpter said she welcomes the new policy. “Honestly, I was chanting ‘Jared Goff’ every five minutes anyway, so this just keeps everyone on the same schedule. My only concern is running out of breath, but my doctor says it’s excellent cardio.”

Officials say breaks will occur on the :07, :14, :21, and so on, whether or not the Lions are on offense, defense, or the bathroom line. Fans are encouraged to pre-hydrate with throat lozenges and honey water before kickoff.

“If we’re going to the Super Bowl,” Betty added, “it’s because our vocal cords dragged us there.”

09/02/2025

In a rare moment of corporate humility, Windsor-based radio station 89X issued a public apology Thursday morning for forcing Detroit listeners to endure five years of country music instead of the alternative rock they actually wanted.

“We regret every fiddle, every banjo, every song about a man losing his truck and his dog,” said station spokesperson Wayne Kerr. “No one in Detroit was asking for more Florida Georgia Line. We were wrong and we know it.”

The station marked its return to alternative by playing four Johnny Cash songs as a farewell to country before blasting Jane’s Addiction’s Stop! to officially close the chapter.

Listeners reacted with a mix of relief and bitterness. “It’s nice they are back,” said Wyandotte resident Tess Tickle. “But I still twitch when I hear an acoustic guitar. You cannot just erase five years of Luke Bryan trauma.”

As part of its amends, 89X promised group therapy sessions for fans triggered by twangy choruses and a “Banjo Amnesty Day” where cowboy hats can be exchanged for Nine Inch Nails posters.

Not everyone is ready to forgive. “They betrayed us,” said listener Tal E Wacker. “One day it was Nirvana, the next it was Nashville. That leaves scars.”

Still, most Metro Detroiters seemed ready to welcome the station home. As one fan put it on social media, “Welcome back, 89X. Don’t ever do that again.”

08/31/2025

Beaming with pride after what he called a “profitable night,” local man Doug McCockin returned home Sunday morning declaring he was “up $20” despite losing $480 at MGM Grand Detroit.

“It’s all about how you look at it,” said McCockin, who explained that after nearly emptying his checking account on penny slots, he won a single $20 spin just before leaving, making the trip “well worth it.” “Technically, I came out ahead. Sure, MGM has a little more of my money, but I walked away richer in both cash and experience. You can’t put a price on that… except, well, about $480.”

Family members, initially concerned by his gambling habits, admitted they were proud of his “bold new approach to arithmetic.” His girlfriend, Frieda Brest, told reporters, “At first I thought he had a problem, but then he explained how losing hundreds and winning twenty equals profit. Honestly, that kind of mental gymnastics should qualify as an Olympic sport.”

At press time, McCockin was reportedly planning to “invest his winnings” in another trip this weekend, where he hopes to “retire early” after hitting the $40 jackpot.

08/29/2025

With the Detroit Jazz Festival returning this weekend, city officials announced they’ll be implementing additional safety measures “out of an abundance of caution,” citing last year’s still-unexplained incident that continues to dominate hushed conversations among regulars.

While details remain scarce, witnesses recall a rogue trombone, a power surge, and “an improvisation gone way too far,” leaving many attendees rattled. Though nothing has been confirmed, the memory lingers in quiet nods exchanged by festival veterans adjusting their berets and tiny round sunglasses.

“You’ll hear people whisper about it in the crowds,” said longtime attendee Jen Italia. “Nobody can agree on exactly what happened. I just know when I close my eyes, I still see the sunglasses.”

Local businesses have reportedly stocked up on even more berets and black shades in anticipation of the crowd, though some speculate it’s less about fashion and more about shielding themselves from whatever might unfold this year.

“I love jazz, but I’m not taking chances,” said past attendee Wayne King. “If something like that happens again, I want to at least look like I was part of the band before it all went wrong.”

Officials remain confident the event will run smoothly, though sources close to the festival admit the trombone player involved in last year’s incident has yet to resurface.

08/28/2025

As the Lions season kicks off, fans say the toughest part of game day isn’t on the field but in downtown parking garages, where it can take nearly two hours to exit.

“By the time I got out, my beard had grown in and my kids thought I’d moved away,” said fan Lou Bricant, who claims the Level 5 exit ramp has broken more spirits than Aaron Rodgers.

City officials advise drivers to treat the post-game crawl like a survival exercise. “Use the bathroom, hydrate, and accept that you now live here,” said a spokesperson for Detroit’s Parking Authority.

Some garages are leaning into the chaos. Some parking structure now offers “overnight packages” that include a cot, a pillow, and two drink vouchers at the nearest casino. Another garage recently hired a DJ to spin music for motionless drivers until the line inches forward.

Visiting fans are equally bewildered. “The game ended at 4:15,” said Jack Mehoff, a Bears fan from Chicago. “I texted my wife that I’d be home by 10. It’s Thursday now. I’m starting a new life in this garage.”

The Lions insist the gridlock is part of the authentic Detroit football experience. “You get four quarters of football and six quarters of brake lights,” said team spokesperson Mike Rotch. “It’s a test of grit, patience, and bladder control.”

Still, some fans say they’ve learned to embrace it. “If the Lions ever win the Super Bowl, I’ll camp out in that garage for a week,” said season ticket holder Drew Peacock. “Just honk if you’re with me.”

08/27/2025

Across Metro Detroit, residents are reporting feelings of betrayal and confusion after being forced into hoodie weather weeks earlier than expected, sparking outrage ahead of Labor Day weekend.

“This isn’t just about being cold,” said local resident Mike Hunt, clutching a hoodie he swore wouldn’t leave his closet until September. “This is about tradition. Hoodies are supposed to be for cider mills, football games, and pretending you’re going to rake leaves. Not barbecuing hot dogs in August.”

Experts say the unseasonably cool air has thrown the region into “seasonal limbo,” with some Detroiters caught wearing shorts and hoodies simultaneously, while others stubbornly refuse to give in, walking around visibly freezing with arms crossed.

“Mother Nature is holding us hostage,” said another local, who claimed she was shamed at Eastern Market for goosebumps. “I’m not ready to sip pumpkin spice, but my body is telling me otherwise.”

Reports indicate that emergency hoodies are being dug out from basements, with some Detroiters resorting to last year’s “leaf pile” hoodie that still smells faintly of bonfire smoke. Meanwhile, boaters on Lake St. Clair are furious at being forced to navigate in both sunglasses and knit caps.

“August hoodie weather is a crime against humanity,” said one man spotted angrily eating a coney dog in gloves. “We deserve at least one more weekend of sunburns before cider season takes over.”

At press time, residents were considering filing a class-action lawsuit against Mother Nature for “emotional damages and premature hoodie dependency.”

08/26/2025

Local resident Dan Gleeballs, 62, says he will “rot in the grave before calling it Huntington Place,” insisting Detroit’s downtown convention center is and always will be Cobo Hall.

“It was Cobo Hall when my old man dragged me to the Boat Show and it’ll still be Cobo Hall when I’m laid out in a coffin,” Gleeballs told reporters.

The venue, renamed multiple times since 2019, continues to frustrate residents who resent the corporate rebrands. But none have been as vocal as Gleeballs, who has been known to correct strangers on the street.

“He cornered me at Buddy’s Pizza because I said Huntington Place,” said one witness. “He spit on the ground and said, ‘It’s Cobo, son. Show respect.’ I’m from Grand Rapids. I didn’t even know what he meant.”

Family members say the obsession has disrupted daily life. Gleeballs refuses to use GPS unless it lists “Cobo Hall,” once causing his daughter’s party to arrive late to the Auto Show Charity Preview.

City officials say they are tired of his complaints. “At this point we would rename the building the Dan Gleeballs Convention Center just to shut him up,” said one staffer.

As of press time, Gleeballs was seen with a Sharpie scribbling “Cobo” over Huntington Place signs before security escorted him away.

08/25/2025

Local resident Clint Toris, 42, reportedly spent over an hour at the Detroit Institute of Arts on Wednesday, loudly proclaiming, “I could have done that,” while examining everything from abstract paintings to classical sculptures.

“I mean, honestly,” Toris said while gesturing at a minimalist metal sculpture, “it’s just some bent scrap metal. I could’ve done it in my garage with a blowtorch and a beer.”

Museum visitors said Toris was remarkably confident in his artistic abilities, offering unsolicited critiques to anyone who would listen. “He spent 20 minutes explaining why Van Gogh’s ‘Portrait of Joseph Roulin’ could have used more neon,” said fellow visitor Connie Linguist. “I wasn’t sure if he was serious or trying to start an art movement in the lobby.”

DIA staff reportedly adopted a new strategy to manage Toris’s critiques: nodding politely while pretending he was part of a performance piece. “We just let him talk,” said security guard Dill Dough. “At this point, I think he believes the museum exists to showcase his potential.”

Toris concluded his visit by photographing a painting of a horse, claiming he “could’ve added a few more horseshoes for dramatic effect.” When asked if he planned to become a professional artist, Toris responded, “Nah, why ruin perfection?”

08/22/2025

Local resident Jacque Sheet was praised this week after courageously driving through Detroit with his windows locked and both hands firmly on the wheel in order to make it back to his Grosse Pointe home.

The 47-year-old described the harrowing six-mile trek after a business dinner in the city as “a test of fortitude that only true Pointe men could understand.”

“I knew the risks,” Sheet said from the safety of the Grosse Pointe Yacht Club. “But I thought of my family, my waterfront property, and my generational wealth, and I pressed on. The automatic locks clicked into place. That’s when I knew this was serious.”

Neighbors called him a hero, applauding his bravery for enduring three red lights, a pothole, and what he swears might have been a pedestrian.

“Not everyone could do what Jacque did,” said neighbor Anya Neeze, delicately arranging a charcuterie board. “Most of us would have just called a helicopter.”

City officials confirmed Sheet’s trip did, in fact, take him past a CVS and a Taco Bell, but he arrived unscathed. He has since vowed never to venture into Detroit again without an armed convoy, a private driver, or at least windows tinted dark enough that he doesn’t have to make eye contact.

“He’s a survivor,” Neeze added. “It’s what sets Grosse Pointe apart.”

Wayne County Wire

09/07/2025

09/05/2025

09/04/2025

09/03/2025

09/02/2025

08/31/2025

08/29/2025

08/28/2025

08/27/2025

08/26/2025

08/25/2025

08/22/2025

Address

Website

Alerts

Contact The Business

Shortcuts

Share

Category