Wayne County Wire

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Westland Mall’s Santa Claus has been seeing a lot of visitors this holiday season but most are not here for photos or Ch...
12/11/2025

Westland Mall’s Santa Claus has been seeing a lot of visitors this holiday season but most are not here for photos or Christmas lists. They are asking where the real Santa experience is.

“It has been a slow day,” Santa said from his throne, surrounded by a scattering of festive chairs and blinking lights. “Three families came by this morning. Each of them wanted directions to a mall in Novi or Troy where there are, apparently, actual kids.”

Parents reportedly stroll past the empty stores and stop at Santa and politely inquire, “So… where is the mall with more people?” before wandering off. Santa, dressed in full red regalia, said he tries to offer helpful advice but the repetitive nature of the questions has left him questioning his career choices.

“I started humming carols to pass the time,” Santa said, “but the echoes from the empty corridors are starting to sound like they are mocking me.”

“Honestly, I just came to see Santa and ended up getting a mall tour,” said Dan Gleeballs, a local parent. “He was really nice about it and even gave me tips on which operating stores have the best holiday decorations.”

Mall management confirmed foot traffic is lower than expected this year, attributing it to a mix of online shopping and general disinterest. Santa remains hopeful, however, that at least a few kids might show up before Christmas Eve. He admits he is mentally prepared for another day of giving directions instead of gifts.

12/10/2025

It’s a Hines Drive classic

Detroit officials issued a formal request Monday asking residents to “please refrain from making lewd gestures” at the n...
12/10/2025

Detroit officials issued a formal request Monday asking residents to “please refrain from making lewd gestures” at the newly installed RoboCop statue after what the city described as a “concerning and frankly exhausting uptick” in inappropriate behavior.

Authorities say the issues began almost immediately, with visitors posing for photos that included simulated grinding, provocative squats, and one incident in which a man attempted to “sensually polish RoboCop’s thigh armor while maintaining eye contact with passersby.”

Local resident Ben Dover said he understood the city’s frustration but admitted the temptation is overwhelming. “I’m not saying it’s right,” Dover said, “but when a statue is built like that, it’s hard not to at least consider doing something questionable near it.”

Officials emphasized that the statue was meant to honor Detroit’s cinematic legacy, not serve as “a public workshop for whatever unholy choreography people come up with after two hard ciders at Eastern Market.”

Despite the request, authorities say that moments after their announcement, three more residents were already in front of the statue demonstrating “moves that would absolutely break the MPAA rating system.”

12/09/2025

Every Michigan dude who insists 28 degrees is "warm"

Metro Detroit is gearing up for its first round of snow Tuesday morning, with light flakes expected to dust roads and ma...
12/09/2025

Metro Detroit is gearing up for its first round of snow Tuesday morning, with light flakes expected to dust roads and make the morning commute a little slippery. But don’t get too comfortable. Wednesday is ready to follow up with what local meteorologists are calling “sloppy seconds.”

Sloppy seconds is the classic Michigan winter mix: snow, sleet, rain, and sometimes freezing rain all rolled into one. It’s messy, unpredictable, and designed to make drivers wish they had stayed home.

Meteorologist Tara Upsumass said, “Tuesday’s snow is just the warmup. Wednesday’s mix will be heavier, wetter, and it will stick around longer. Roads will be slick, so plan ahead.”

For Michigan drivers, Tuesday’s flakes are polite, but Wednesday’s sloppy seconds are the full winter experience. Grab the coffee, bundle up, and maybe leave a little extra time for the morning commute.

12/08/2025

Bring back Max and Erma’s

Traffic stalled along Hines Drive on Sunday night after local resident Andy Felterbush refused to turn off his headlight...
12/08/2025

Traffic stalled along Hines Drive on Sunday night after local resident Andy Felterbush refused to turn off his headlights during the Wayne County Lightfest. Andy insisted his high beams were “adding drama” to the holiday displays while blinding half the county.

Witnesses said his headlights were so bright they washed out the entire dinosaur scene and made the frog display look like it was being interrogated. “I could not see anything except Andy’s Ford Edge and the inside of my own eyelids,” said visitor Buster Highman, who spent most of the drive covering his face like he was watching an eclipse.

Lightfest staff attempted to approach the vehicle but turned back once the glare bounced off a minivan and lit up the trees like a crime scene. One worker described the beams as “aggressive” and “hostile to Christmas.”

Andy reportedly turned off his lights only after reaching the exit, then immediately switched them back on at full strength while nodding proudly at no one.

Joumana is always watching
12/05/2025

Joumana is always watching

After enduring a two-hour wait in the record-breaking 7Brew drive-thru line, which backed up traffic on Southfield Road ...
12/05/2025

After enduring a two-hour wait in the record-breaking 7Brew drive-thru line, which backed up traffic on Southfield Road for miles, local resident Mike Rotch, 34, was devastated to discover he had accidentally ordered decaffeinated coffee.

“I thought I was ready for this,” Rotch said, staring at the brown liquid in disbelief. “I mentally prepared for every horror the line could throw at me but nothing could prepare me for this betrayal.”

Eyewitnesses said Rotch spent the next 15 minutes pacing in the parking lot, shaking the cup and muttering, “I did not sign up for this.”

“It is one thing to survive the line,” said local barista Betty Humpter. “It is another to survive the line and then be betrayed by the very beverage you came for. That is trauma.”

7Brew officials declined to comment while one employee was seen whispering, “We knew this would happen eventually.”

Since the new RoboCop statue went up at Eastern Market this week, Detroiters report an unexpected side effect: a sudden ...
12/04/2025

Since the new RoboCop statue went up at Eastern Market this week, Detroiters report an unexpected side effect: a sudden sense of safety. “I don’t know why, but I just feel… watched,” said Jenna Talia. “Like crime could happen right in front of me and I wouldn’t even want to do it.”

The bronze enforcer, 15 years in the making, hasn’t arrested anyone or moved an inch, but locals swear it judges you in the best possible way. Eric Shun added, “Even though it’s just standing there, somehow it works.”

Some residents leave it coffee cups, salute it while walking past, and claim simply being in its line of sight keeps them out of trouble. Eastern Market vendors say sales are expected to rise. People feel safer enough to make eye contact with a metal cop.

City officials say they have no plans to remove the statue. “If a stationary RoboCop can make Detroiters feel safer, imagine a fleet of them,” said a spokesperson.

After a weekend dumping a couple inches of snow and a light dusting Monday morning, Detroit drivers were forced to confr...
12/03/2025

After a weekend dumping a couple inches of snow and a light dusting Monday morning, Detroit drivers were forced to confront a shocking truth. Scraping frost off a windshield requires a tool, specifically a windshield scraper. Motorists frantically dug through glove compartments, trunks, and drawers as if the mythical devices had vanished over the summer.

“I honestly thought these were just a suggestion,” said local driver Dick Hungwell, triumphantly holding up his long-lost scraper. Nearby, Anita Little was seen brandishing a spatula in desperation before finally uncovering her own scraper beneath a pile of winter hats.

By mid-morning, streets slowed to a crawl as drivers performed elaborate scraping rituals. Meteorologists reminded locals that scraping is a normal part of winter, but few seemed convinced. Detroiters clutched their newly rediscovered tools like survival gear, treating the early snow as a personal assault on their preparedness.

Some locals were seen sharing tips on the proper scraping angle while others offered to lend spare scrapers to their neighbors. It seems Detroiters may have finally found a new winter hobby.

12/02/2025

Put the fear of God into some young men

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