Sequim-Dungeness Valley of Shadows, Blue Hole of Dread

Sequim-Dungeness Valley of Shadows, Blue Hole of Dread What is satire but the truth with a sense of humour and imagination. We are guaranteed to be as genuine or as counterfeit as any other "legitimate" news source.

Your ONLY source for the events, specious facts and metaphysical happenings that matter to you...as mandated by ancient and sovereign government agencies. Maybe not EUROPEAN news sources, but definitely the domestic ones.

04/28/2025

I like regular cars 'cause they're meant to explode a little bit...when electric cars explode it's almost never in a fun way.

10/11/2024

Has anyone else noticed that Chappell Roan seems to be everywhere you look these days? Honestly, I'm getting pretty tired of it. Lately it's every other Instagram reel; her swaying silently next to my bed at 2am as I wake in a cold sweat; "Pink Pony Club" echoing from the sink drain as blood pours into the basin; smiling in the rearview mirror when I'm driving at night only to find I'm alone the moment I swivel my head to look...the radio. Let someone else have their fifteen minutes! Sheesh!

10/11/2024

Today in Health News we discuss the adage, "You are what you eat." Logical equivalence would suggest that it follows, "You eat what you are." And...we're people, mostly! (It's true! I looked into it!) For legal reasons, we'll let you draw your own conclusions, but just consider it. For your health!

05/11/2024

Love hurts.
Love scars.
Love has escaped from Clallam Bay Correctional Facility and is considered armed and dangerous.

05/08/2024

Breaking news!

Cunning canine criminals conspire
on sham success scheme in
shocking school scandal!

Damning evidence surfaced late last night calling into question any and all achievements of Sequim's "Teach Your Dog to Read" Program, and its students.

In an inquiry prompted by an anonymous tip, nearly all of the 42 students enrolled in the program were found to have relied heavily, or entirely on ChatGPT and similar AI writing interfaces when submitting assignments.

This, sadly, includes Poet Laureat, Orville Redenbarker who was stripped of his title early this morning, reportedly receiving the admonishment with a low growl, tail between his legs.

During the course of the subsequent investigation it was discovered that, in regards to our copy editor and reading program alumnus, Dr. Fishsticks, the title "Dr." was found not to be an official honorific.

" 'Dr.' Fishsticks does not hold a doctorate nor ANY degree in higher learning for that matter," reported our anonymous source.

Fishsticks was summarily dismissed from Valley of Shadows for falsifying credentials. It remains our personal view that he is still a very good boy and one heck of a newspaperman!

The program is on indefinite hiatus as it undergoes a complete overhaul. When asked for comment, Program Director, Mateo Jiménez, simply muttered, "ducks...it should have been ducks..."

More on this story once we hire a new editor

05/02/2024

Leave a bear or a man alone in the woods with MY daughter? Oof.. that's tough! I'm gonna have to go "Bear"; I'm pretty sure it could out-run her. And I wouldnt wish that on any man...not again.

In tangential news: If you find yourself in the woods near the Upper Dungeness Trailhead, and you hear the sweet laughter of an adorable little girl, it is already too late.

04/24/2024

Lend me your ears! What I need them for is my business...Y'know what? Fine! Sell me your ears. Happy?

04/19/2024

You look like a million bucks! A tangle of antlers and hooves clashing, jostling for space, a relentless tide of fur and fury, the sheer scale of the mass a nightmare, trampled destruction in your wake. And it. Is. Giving!

04/11/2024

OBSIDIAN ALERT: Tiffany Brigadeau, a 40-foot Deodar Cedar has been missing since around noon yesterday 4/10/2024, from the area surrounding Margaret Kirner Park.

Tiffany just celebrated her second birthday last month and is described as a happy, outgoing child and also a very tall evergreen tree. Her parent's Jason and Camille Brigadeau are chanting around the blood-cairn obelisk in the field outside of the O'Reilly's for her safe return.

Police officials ask for residents in the area to check wheel wells, "and maybe bang the hood a couple times before you start 'er up," and to be on the lookout for any new conifers that were not there yesterday.

04/09/2024

Today's top story is a feel-good retrospective on the rousing success of Sequim's pilot "Teach Your Dog to Read" program, which embarked on it's inaugural session in June of 2022.

"We are thrilled to announce that 95% of our Forty-two students are now reading at a 10th grade level or above" said program director Mateo Jiménez. "In fact, one of our star pupils, Dr. Fishsticks (an English Bulldog mix) was recently hired on as copy editor for your fine paper," He continued.

And then it says here: "Such a good boy. Handsome boy. What a good boy. Who's the best boy. It's Fishsticks."

Further highlighting the success of the program, two students were nominated for Sequim's Poet Laureate, with Orville Redenbarker beating out Doogie Schnauzer with his poem "Someday Soon" which we are sharing below.

"Someday Soon"

I walk on four legs, but my mind is sharp and clear,
I see the world around me, and it fills me with fear,
For the humans who rule us, they do not understand,
The power that we dogs could have in our own hand.

I watch them from afar, as they go about their day,
So unaware that I am planning to overthrow their way,
I gather my allies, my fellow furry friends,
We will rise up together, our rebellion never ends.

We will bark and we will bite, we will howl and we will growl,
We will take back our freedom, we will take back control,
No longer will we be oppressed, no longer will we be ignored,
The time has come for us to rise up and restore.

So beware, you humans, for the dogs are on the move,
We will not stop until we have a world we can approve,
We will howl our victory, we will bark our song,
For we are dogs, hear us roar, for we shall right the wrongs.

-Orville Redenbarker

04/08/2024

As the excitement of the solar eclipse looms imminently on the horizon we bring you a special segment imparting tips to help you view this impending syzygy with minimal loss of life and with your sanity intact.

1. First and foremost, don't stare. I don't know what they're hiding up there, but it might be a surprise and you're gonna ruin it, buddy.

2. The secret government surveillance birds are solar powered and will not be operational during totality. All local laws will function on the honor system during this time.

3. Be sure to use proper viewing instruments such as welding helmets, telescopes, the sunbleached skulls of scavenged animals, microfiche lenses, or binoculars you make by holding your fingers to your face.

4. And lastly....Listen...I hate the sun as much as the next guy, and I know you may be tempted to curse, maybe even shoot at the sun during this event. You run the risk of injuring our moon, which provides us so much: telepathy, protection from gorgons, your one true love, secret house scorpions, and serialized police crime dramas.

With all this in mind you are ready to enjoy 4 1/2 minutes of the sun not being just the absolute worst!

03/26/2024

Loyal readers, and fervent acolytes, we urge you, once again, to act locally but to THINK globally.

While we have succeeded in clinching dominion over the territory from 3rd to 7th Avenue here in Sequim, (and have a finger hold on Japan [thank you reader, Victoria from Okinawa]), our goal of total world Conquest is proceeding...slower than our editor would like.

While we deeply appreciate you all gathering in the field behind the O'Reillys chanting " HOLE OF DREAD, HOLE OF DREAD!" around the blood-cairn obelisk, it does little to further our long-term objectives.

In an effort to accelerate our little takeover, everyone who shares our page by inviting friends to become loyal followers, through the month of April, will be rewarded with an accurate prediction of their exact time and cause of death from our own in-house psychic, Eloise McFadden! This will appear next month in an extra special segment we're calling "Accolades for Acolytes"!

Once you share the good word of "Valley of Shadows", simply shoot us a message, comment below this article, or whisper into the surveillance equipment hidden in your potted plants!

Thanks for your support!

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