08/04/2024
ISO: Purpose.
Last time seen/experienced/felt around 7 or 8 years old.
Thought I came across her in a box around 13.
Resurfaced for a minute in my 20s, but then I shortly thereafter got distracted and lost her again. I followed a boy to the Midwest, thinking he could help me find her; instead I found myself lost in busyness and curiosity and long winters.
Gave up looking around 25 and figured I'd find a new one. So, I dabbled in things, jumped into a ton of yeses and piggy-backed on others purposes, hoping mine was somewhere close behind.
Around 30 I thought fck it who needs purpose; maybe we've all been tricked into believing that one exist. Maybe it's for the fortunate. The few. The brave. (Then I realized that was the slogan for the Army.) I made up excuses. I dumbed myself down. I stopped looking for her. I took what I was given and lost the nerve to ask for more.
All those dreams. Ideas. Desires. The life I lived while I slept was far brighter, bigger, and more fantastic than reality - so I started to long to sleep forever (instead).
There was a hole in me. A hole in my heart where purpose used to be. I didn't realize it till much later. All the empty promises. The empty relationships. The empty opportunities. The emptiness ~ was me trying to fill the hole. To connect the lines and make sense of not feeling whole. I remember when I had Purpose, it fueled me. It was driving and I had just to make sure there was gas in the car and snacks for the road.
But somewhere along the way Purpose and I got separated, and so I took over and drove into walls, over barriers, off cliffs and through homes. I picked up hitchhikers and drama; vampires and chaos.
I got so used to driving and avoiding things that I missed all the times Purpose popped up. I got so used to blinders and looking straight ahead that I didn't see Purpose in the backseat the whole time. Sitting there, quietly, patiently.
Elizabeth Gilbert said that when our Muse pops up we have to acknowledge her, because if we don't, she'll go to someone else who will. I feel like Purpose and Muse could be BFFs, but I don't know if they follow the same code.
So, I'm slowing down and taking my foot off the pedal. I'm actually going to pull over for a bit and just sit. I'm turning the radio off because there's already too many voices and opinions in my head.
I'm going to sit and make space for Purpose to come in. Lord knows this car is full of baggage so I'm letting go of a lot of that too. I can remember when I was 7 or 8 and she was there, she liked when there was room to stretch. Room to play. Room to be.
If you happen to see "my Purpose" (and you know it's mine not yours) - could you let her know I miss her and I'm ready for her to come back. And if you don't, that's OK. I'm sending out this pray, this surrendered pray, that I know will reach her some day.
x,B