Coffee Talk With Brandy

05/10/2025

Brandy Engler, s*x therapist and author of "The Men On My Couch," and "The Women On My Couch" have deepened my understanding of s*xual relationships.

Is s*x really only s*x? S*x is full of information, as with any behavior. What I've learned from the book "The Men On My Couch," is that many men turn towards s*x for a number of different reasons but those reasons usually, not always, fall under the same umbrella of validation and the need to be loved. They desire to be understood, loved, accepted, appreciated, and cared for, yet being able to fully communicate these things in words is often difficult.
Brandy shared a story of a man she called Alex. Alex increased desire was pushing his partner away. The more he wanted to please her, the more she resisted. Brandy, the author and s*x therapist, discovered he was feeling insecure. He wasn't feeling he was loveable or worthy of the love his partner had given to him. His way of solving the problem was being more s*xual and doing more to please her, s*xually. His need? Validation and love. But in the face of disconnection, his partner wasn't exactly on board.

It's difficult to communicate your needs when you don't know what your needs are. When you've been taught to silence all your feelings and emotions, you might not even have a clue what your needs are. Men are allowed to he s*xual, not emotional, from a societal perspective. It takes a conscious effort to become aware of what we need and how we are trying to get those needs met.

The road to a healthy, safe, reciprocal relationship isn't always easy. It takes vulnerability to look within ourselves. To see what is driving our own behavior. One question to start this journey is to ask yourself, "What do I need and what do I want?"

05/02/2025

The human brain is wired for connection and relationship. You were never supposed to learn to be alone with pain and stress. Needing emotional support and safety isn't something wrong with you. It is the sign of something deeply right with you. ~Gabor Mate
At 5 years old, I was outside exploring the world early one morning. We lived in the country in Montana in the middle of nowhere. For the most part, it was pretty safe, except wildlife.
It wasn't long before a rattlesnake approached me and started circling me. At least this is what I remember. I started crying out of stress and uncertainty if this creature was going to hurt me. I began yelling for my mom. Basically, she told me to come home yelling from her upstairs bedroom window. She didn't realize I was in danger but that 5 yr old little girl didn't learn that my mom didn't come get me because she didn't realize the situation, that little 5 yr old girls survivalist brain learned that in the face of danger no one will be there to help her.

Many of us have experiences as children that taught us we must be alone in our pain, stress, or duress. We learned from a young age that no one will be there for us. As adults, if we don't spend time understanding our own stoic behavior, we can become more isolated and alone even if we actually want and need someone to lean on.
Why is it so hard for many of us to ask for help? This. Right here. We learned that no one was there. We have learned it wasn't safe. We might have been ignored or told it wasn't a big deal.
Needing emotional support and safety is a human need. Leaning into vulnerability can be difficult, but it's the way to reconnect to self and to others.

04/28/2025

I'm imperfect. I screw up. I make mistakes. I p**s people off.

We all do. It's part of the human experience. None of these things makes us unworthy of love and belonging. We are enough, exactly as we are. As flawed as we think we are. We are loveable. You are lovable. You are amazing.

All the flaws you hate about yourself show you where you need to heal. Those perceived flaws show us that someone in our lives created the narrative that we weren't enough. When we do our inner work, we will see where it comes from. From there, we can learn to reframe and begin to rewire our brain.

You are loved. ❤️

04/26/2025

04/24/2025

Have you ever denied your own thoughts, desires, and actions in order to keep the peace? What did that feel like for you? Did you feel at peace? Was your body feeling calm and restful? Was your mind free from the situation?

If we avoid conflict to keep the peace, our body, mind, and spirit will be at war with ourselves.

Have you ever realized when we dismiss ourselves for the comfort of others or for keeping up appearances, our body will have big reactions?

The knot in your stomach, the headache that appears, the diarrhea, the nausea, the sleepless nights, the increased heart rate and blood pressure, the inability to calm your mind from thoughts. All of these things and more are symptoms of avoiding conflict to keep the peace.

When we live our truth, say what we want to say, live how we want to live, our bodies react positively. It knows if we are authentic. Our body, mind, and spirit align.

When we don't live in congruence with our mind, body, and spirit, our bodies will tell our untold truth in disease and illness.

There was a time I had a war within myself because I was avoiding conflict, and my body was telling that story in sickness. Doctors could not understand what was wrong with me. I had increasing arthritis levels and rashes that appeared daily that looked as though my face was burned. My blood pressure was high.

As soon as I learned into that conflict and made changes to my environment, I said no more to an unhealthy relationship, my body started to heal. Doctors were astonished. They didn't understand, but I did.

04/18/2025

Sometimes we're afraid to fall in love. The fear of vulnerability. The fear of being seen and heard. The fear that we're not enough. The fear they too will leave us and not be beside us.

The stronger our feelings, the greater rhe risk. It's all based from past pain, past experiences and past trauma.

04/17/2025

04/05/2025

Eleven years ago, I made a courageous decision to leave my marriage of eight years. It’s not like I woke up one day and decided I wanted a divorce. Okay, maybe I did wake up one day and decided I was completely done, but it was only after four years of hard work. Four years of marriage counseling. Four years of opportunity to work together to create a better relationship. Four years of learning and growth. Creating a working relationship takes determination, grit, and hard work from both people in the relationship. I had a lot of work to do. I was and still am far from perfect, but every day, I put my best foot forward—learning, growing, loving, and forgiving.

One day, after my own personal session with our therapist, I had an aha moment. She said the same exact words that our previous therapist had said four years ago in the beginning of our marriage counseling, “He didn’t do it because he didn’t want to do it.” It was at that moment I realized that after four years of working on these issues, nothing had really changed. I know I was doing all I could to learn, to grow, and to create room for the changes that I needed to make, but it takes two people working towards a goal, not one. I had some interesting beliefs and behaviors that I had to shift in order to become the person I wanted to be—to become a better wife.

Hell, I'll never forget the way our therapist looked at me as she boldly stated, “You’re not allowed to be upset at him if you didn’t communicate your expectations with him.” She went on to say, “Don’t expect people to read your mind. It’s not their job.”

But…but can’t he see how exhausted I am? Can’t he see that I am barely sleeping, nursing our newborn baby, taking care of two kids, dealing with a new diagnosis for our daughter, cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, and, and, and… My thoughts began to race, anger surfacing faster than the speed of light.

Coffee, Conversations, and Confidence;

Stories Of Love, Lust, Heartbreak, and Growth.

Stay turned for my upcoming release for my book!

03/31/2025

I often here women say they want their partner to be more vulnerable. If this is something you want, let me ask you this. Do you provide him with a safe space to express his emotions, his thoughts and his vulnerability?

When he shares something with you that took great courage for him to share, how do you respond? Your response can allow him to continue to open up, or it can close him off.

Yes, this is true for anyone of us and I'm sharing this today based on my conversations with women. We are also part of the equation. Brene Brown teaches us that if we can hold space for vulnerability, we've done our own inner work.