03/09/2024
I genuinely wish I died in 2022, I have no one and nothing to my name now. All I have, my entire life goals that have actually amounted to som**hing is nothing. I graduated college for a useless degree that I'm probably never going to use, I ended up engaged to a m**h head who destroyed my life, I get sober, I start living for myself - I come out as transgender. What is initially a support in myself has become the very thing that has caused me to lose basically every friend in my life IRL. It keeps me from getting a job, I have no one and I'm entirely alone. I have no partner anymore, I've lost access to the ESCAPE I have which isn't drugs, One of my only two friends basically disowned me because I'm transgender tonight which isn't a real surprise because he never even tried using my pronouns or my name I go by... I was cool with it but you know I start to see why.. No matter what I do in my life people are going to view me as som**hing I'm not. No matter what I do in my life I'll always be held to the standards of the past and the sins I have made in the past.
I can't have children, I can't create a family, I have no lover, I have no job, I have no car, I have nothing in my life besides a few online friends and my parents, I have my recovery and my Transition. Other than that I have nothing and I'm a nobody I'm worthless and I don't understand why I'm alive. I've destroyed my entire life and I think that taking the easy way out would actually just make s**t a lot easier for everyone in my life including myself. It's not even a cry for help or attention it's me weighing the options and my I'm a nobody, I'm a drifter in my own skin- I am nothing but a waste of potential and life. There isn't a damn thing a single person can say to make me feel better because I know things will get better and I know I just have to keep on pushing on and someone will be there for me but guess what. NO ONE IS THERE FOR ME AND NO ONE HAS BEEN HERE FOR ME SINCE MAY 5TH i have no partner and I will continue to live life probably without a partner because MY PERSON STOPPED EXISTING LIKE I STOPPED EXISTING FOR HER.
So f**k you, s**t isn't going to actually get better it's going to get worse and it's going to keep getting worse until I CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE. I can only take so much at what life is throwing at me before I genuinely snap and crack further than what I have. I was broken into sand, but I rebuilt myself but everyone wants to just f**king put me on blast and treat me like s**t. F**k you, F**k everyone. I'M ALONE AND IT'S PROBABLY GOING TO STAY THAT WAY BECAUSE IM FU***NG TRAPPED IN HELL.
