https://www.facebook.com/106125728848781/

Cleburne Co. Satire News to Amuse, Heber Springs, AR (2025)

11/23/2025

Greers Ferry Lake — In what locals are already calling “the WKRP Incident of the Ozarks,” the food-safety group We Kill Raw Poultry (ironically W.K.R.P.) accidentally recreated one of television’s most infamous Thanksgiving disasters.

Much like the legendary WKRP in Cincinnati turkey drop of 1978—where a radio station learned the hard way that turkeys “can’t fly”—Greers Ferry Lake residents watched history repeat itself in spectacular fashion.

W.K.R.P., hoping to raise awareness about the dangers of improperly handled poultry, chartered a helicopter Saturday to “make a bold educational statement.” Unfortunately, that statement turned into panicked screaming as dozens of frozen turkeys rained down over the Fairfield Bay marina.

“I heard the chopper and thought it was a rescue drill,” said one panicked boat owner. “Then a bird-brick smashed through my Yeti cooler. That’s when I knew we’d slipped into a rerun of bad TV history.”

Spectators reported that one organizer, moments before the release, proudly declared: “We’ve learned from the past—and this time, we’re doing it safely!”
Seconds later, physics delivered its rebuttal.

Turkeys slammed into docks, bounced across parking lots, and one reportedly skipped three times across the lake surface before sinking with “a surprisingly graceful wobble.”

A spokesperson for the group later admitted, “We… may have overestimated the aerodynamic qualities of a frozen Butterball. WKRP in Cincinnati tried this once. They were wrong. We were wrong. History is undefeated.”

The Greers Ferry Lake Authority has now issued an emergency ordinance requiring all future poultry-related stunts to remain firmly on the ground.

Residents are encouraged to retrieve any fallen turkeys but are advised not to thaw or consume any that have experienced “high-speed aquatic impacts.”

(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person.)

10/20/2025

More misguided protesters make more mistakes.

“No Kings” Protest Takes Unexpected Turn as Crowd Demands Ban on King Kong Merchandise

What began as a passionate demonstration against outdated hierarchies took a wildly unexpected turn this weekend, as hundreds of confused protesters marched through downtown demanding the “immediate removal of all King Kong products from store shelves.”

Chanting slogans like “Down with the big ape!” and “No more monkey monarchs!” the protesters waved homemade signs reading “Ape Shall Not Rule Over Man” and “King Kong Is Problematic.”

The confusion reportedly started when several participants saw flyers for a “No Kings Rally” and assumed it was part of a growing anti-giant-monkey movement. “I thought it was about animal cruelty or something,” said one protester, holding a shredded plush gorilla. “Turns out, people were just mad about power structures or chess or whatever.”

Toy stores across the region have been caught in the crossfire, with one retailer reporting that protesters tried to replace King Kong displays with Curious George dolls “to promote non-hierarchical primate representation.”

Meanwhile, movie studios expressed concern that the movement might expand to other titles. “We’re monitoring chatter about The Lion King and Burger King next,” said one nervous Disney executive. “Frankly, the monarchy can’t catch a break.”

When asked for comment, one organizer sighed, “We wanted to talk about systemic inequality. Now people are burning banana costumes. It’s chaos.”

(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person.)

10/19/2025

Chess Players Confused by “No Kings” Rallies—Remove Kings from All Games

After mistakenly boycotting Burger King at the last No Kings Rallies, protesters are still confused.

In a stunning display of over-literal interpretation, chess players across the country have decided to permanently remove the king piece from all chess games after hearing about the recent “No Kings Rallies.”

The movement, originally intended as a social protest unrelated to board games, has caused chaos in chess clubs nationwide. Players were seen carefully plucking their kings off the board, declaring, “We’re finally free from the monarchy of move limitations!”

Without kings, chess has reportedly become “a peaceful game where nobody wins and everyone just vibes in strategic silence.” Tournaments have been postponed indefinitely, as players stare blankly at each other wondering, “So… how do we know when it’s over?”

The Checkers Federation quickly followed suit, banning “kings” from their game as well. When asked how this affects play, one representative shrugged and said, “Now it’s just sliding back and forth forever—basically corporate America.”

Chess purists are pleading for reason, but the movement shows no signs of slowing. One activist summed it up best:

“It’s 2025. We don’t need kings. We just need better pawns.”

(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person.)

10/10/2025

Dallas Cowboys End NFL Season Early to Join Heber Springs Panthers, Hoping to “Finally Experience Winning”

DALLAS, TX — In a shocking but somehow unsurprising move, the Dallas Cowboys have officially ended their NFL season early to join forces with the Heber Springs Panthers high school football team. The decision, team officials say, was made after realizing it might be the only way for the Cowboys to experience “what winning actually feels like.”

Team owner Jerry Jones announced the move Thursday morning, smiling wider than he has since 1995. “I’ve always said Texas football is about pride, teamwork, and victory,” Jones said. “Unfortunately, we’ve only been good at two of those things. The Panthers, on the other hand—they win games. We want in on that.”

The Heber Springs Panthers reportedly welcomed the Cowboys with open arms, though a few players expressed confusion. “It’s kinda weird,” said sophomore quarterback C**t Reynolds. “They showed up with their own cheerleaders, twelve trainers, and a guy who kept yelling ‘We dem boys!’ during film study.”

Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott seemed thrilled about the new partnership. “It’s a fresh start,” Prescott said. “Coach said if I can just throw for 150 yards and one touchdown, I’ll get a gold star and a Capri Sun. That’s more motivation than I’ve had in years.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell declined to comment, only muttering something about “finally having a reason to watch a Cowboys game again.”

As for the Panthers, their coach is taking it in stride. “We’ll let the Cowboys handle the water bottles and maybe special teams,” he said. “If they behave, we might even let them run a play in the fourth quarter.”

Early projections show the Panthers, now bolstered by professional mediocrity, are favored to win their next five games—assuming the Cowboys don’t find a way to blow the lead.

(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person.)

10/05/2025

Pumpkin Spice of Life Opens in Heber Springs: Town Divided Between Delight and Disgust

HEBER SPRINGS, AR — Main Street just got a whole lot more aromatic with the grand opening of Pumpkin Spice of Life, a boutique store that sells — and this is not an exaggeration — nothing but pumpkin spice–themed products.

Store owner and self-proclaimed “Spice Visionary” Brenda Lou Farkle says she was inspired by the “smell of October happiness and mild regret.” The shop boasts an impressive lineup, including pumpkin spice candles, pumpkin spice lotion, pumpkin spice coffee, and pumpkin spice air fresheners — all the usual suspects.

But that’s just the beginning. Farkle’s ambition knows no limits. The shelves are also lined with Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil (“for when your car deserves fall, too”), Pumpkin Spice Laundry Detergent, and the top-selling Pumpkin Spice Toothpaste, which one customer described as “like brushing with a latte that hates you.”

Other notable products include:

Pumpkin Spice Ant Spray – “Kills bugs and their holiday spirit.”

Pumpkin Spice V**e Juice – “For the person who wants to taste fall and regret simultaneously.”

Pumpkin Spice Hair Dye – “Turns your head into a seasonal candle.”

Pumpkin Spice Pepper Spray – “Now attackers leave smelling festive and defeated.”

Since opening day, reactions from locals have been mixed. “It’s cute, I guess,” said lifelong resident Carl Treadwell. “But if one more thing smells like pumpkin spice, I’m burning a five-gallon peppermint candle in front of the courthouse.”

Farkle remains optimistic. “Pumpkin spice isn’t just a flavor,” she said while arranging jars of Pumpkin Spice Pickles. “It’s a lifestyle. It’s warmth. It’s fall in your soul… and in your nasal passages.”

The store plans to expand its offerings next month with Pumpkin Spice Dog Food and a “limited-edition” Pumpkin Spice Self-Tanner, guaranteed to make everyone “look like they just rolled in a latte.”

When asked how long the seasonal store would stay open, Farkle smiled and replied, “Until peppermint ruins everything again.”

(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person.)

09/04/2025

Higden Threatens to Secede Over Zip Code Dispute With Greers Ferry

HIGDEN, AR – After decades of what residents are calling “mail tyranny,” the town of Higden has officially declared it is “sick and tired” of sharing a zip code with neighboring Greers Ferry.

Mayor Buckley Ray, wearing a “Make Higden Independent Again” cap, announced the plan at Tuesday’s town meeting. “We’re a proud people,” Ray said. “And we’re tired of Amazon packages ending up in some stranger’s goat pen the next city over. It’s time for Higden to stand on its own digits.”

The proposed breakaway would establish Higden’s very own micro-nation, complete with a post office shack, a town seal featuring a fishing pole and a lawn chair, and a unique zip code beginning with “42069,” which leaders say will “attract younger tourists.”

Not everyone is on board. Critics from Greers Ferry argue the move would create chaos. “If Higden leaves, who’s gonna sign for our FedEx guy when we’re out noodling catfish?” asked lifelong Greers Ferry resident Edna Sue Holt.

Despite the controversy, Higden’s Independence Committee is moving forward. Residents have already begun designing passports, which will double as fishing licenses, and a city anthem loosely based on the jingle from the old Sonic Drive-In commercials.

“If we have to, we’ll build a wall,” Mayor Ray added. “And it’ll be made entirely out of old pontoon boats.”

---

(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person. )

08/28/2025

Greers Ferry Man Attempts to Sleep His Way Into Wealth

GREERS FERRY, AR — In what locals are calling “the laziest get-rich-quick scheme ever attempted,” 42-year-old Donnie Ray Miller of Greers Ferry has announced his plan to sleep until he becomes a millionaire.

Miller claims his idea is based on a popular saying he overheard at the gas station. “They always say, ‘If you go woke, you go broke,’” Miller explained. “Well, I thought, what’s the opposite of woke? Asleep. So if I stay asleep, I should get rich. It’s just math.”

So far, Miller has spent three consecutive days in bed, waking only to snack on Funyuns and check his bank account. “I’m not rich yet,” he admitted, “but I figure the longer I nap, the closer I get. Jeff Bezos probably slept a lot before Amazon.”

Family members are skeptical. His cousin Tammy, who has been tasked with spraying Febreze around his bedroom, said, “We all thought Donnie was lazy, but turns out he’s just a financial visionary. At this rate, he’s either going to be rich or permanently unemployed — but honestly, there’s no difference.”

Miller insists he will remain in bed “until the money shows up,” though critics point out he may be confusing wealth accumulation with hibernation. “Bears don’t wake up with a trust fund,” Tammy added.

Local banks have confirmed that Miller’s checking account balance has remained at $8.14 since he began his slumber experiment.

(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person.)

08/03/2025

Wilburn Man Claims He's Part Lizard, Plans to Run Across Greers Ferry Lake Like a Reptilian Messiah

by Lyle Crick, Cleburne County Courier of Questionable Credibility

WILBURN, AR — In a bold announcement that has shaken the very foundations of science, sanity, and the local bait shop, a Wilburn man is claiming to be part basilisk lizard and says he's ready to set a world record by becoming the first human to run across water — starting at HARPS and sprinting straight across Greers Ferry Lake to the Heber Springs Recreation Area.

"Y’all ever seen one of them Jesus lizards? Well, I got the same ankles," said 38-year-old Jed “Skippy” Ledbetter, clad in cutoff camo shorts, a mesh tank top, and a suspiciously duct-taped pair of Crocs. "I been training for this since my cousin dared me to sprint through the kiddie pool last Fourth of July. Now I’m takin' it to the big leagues, baby!"

Ledbetter, who insists his DNA is "roughly 42% basilisk due to a tragic incident at the Little Rock Zoo petting exhibit in 1997," says his attempt is not only a feat of athleticism but a spiritual journey.

“Ever since I got struck by lightning and fell into the fish pond at Tractor Supply, I ain't been the same,” he said, eyes darting in all directions like a lizard spotting a cricket buffet. “I can feel the lake calling me. It's like the water wants me to run on it.”

Local authorities have already issued several statements advising citizens not to attempt amphibious marathons across Greers Ferry Lake, especially during high-speed boat traffic or peak catfishing hours.

Still, Ledbetter's confidence is unshaken. "I’m gonna start at the HARPS parking lot, get a good stretch in by the soda pop machine, then it's full send to the lake. I figure if I hit 17 mph by the boat ramp off Hwy 110 West, I’ll hydroplane clean across.”

A crowd is expected to gather, with supporters bringing lawn chairs, binoculars, and — per tradition — hot dogs wrapped in foil. Area churches have issued a joint prayer chain, and the Heber Fire Department will be standing by with a canoe, a rescue drone, and a towel.

Dr. Linda Massey, a local biologist, called the attempt “scientifically impossible but regionally inevitable.”

“I’ve studied lizards for 25 years and Arkansans for longer,” she said. “Honestly, I’m more surprised this didn’t happen sooner.”

Ledbetter has no formal sponsors, though local businesses have offered support. “If he makes it across, he gets a free large Sonic Blast from the Heber location,” said assistant manager Tonya Flake. “If he doesn’t... well, we’ll name a fish sandwich after him.”

As of press time, Jed “Skippy” Ledbetter was seen practicing wind sprints down Highway 5, shouting “These legs weren’t made for walkin’, they were made for glidin’!”

---

(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person.)

07/25/2025

Local Heroine Single-Handedly Ends Illegal Pirating Ring at Concord School, Sparking Feud with Actual Mascot

CONCORD, AR — In an astonishing display of zero-tolerance policy and over-caffeinated righteousness, 58-year-old Linda Faye Whitmore has become a local legend after single-handedly dismantling a widespread underground pirating ring inside Concord School — ironically home of The Concord Pirates.

The illegal activity? Unlicensed photocopies of BrainPop worksheets, Netflix password trafficking, and a suspicious black market of AI-generated book reports on Where the Red Fern Grows.

Wielding a yardstick like a sword and her librarian’s glare like a flamethrower, Whitmore stormed the computer lab and declared, “Piracy has no place in this school!” before realizing the entire hallway was decorated with pirate flags, eye patches, and a mural of their smiling mascot, “Captain Concord.”

“I said what I said,” Whitmore confirmed. “There’s a difference between school spirit and federal crimes. Captain Concord may be a jolly mascot, but he’s also an enabler.”

Students were mid-illegal stream of Encino Man for a supposed “geological research project” when Whitmore entered and screamed, “I will plunder your hard drives!”

Sophomore Landon Phipps said, “She made me delete my entire Google Drive just for having a folder labeled ‘U.S. Gov’t Answers Totally Legit.’ That wasn’t even pirate stuff — that was just cheating.”

Following the crackdown, Whitmore was seen in a heated confrontation with the school’s mascot — a senior in a giant foam pirate head — shouting, “You’re part of the problem!” while yanking down a papier-mâché cannon display from the pep rally float.

The school board has since called an emergency session to resolve “a complex identity crisis” now brewing between promoting academic integrity and the mascot literally being a pirate.

Principal Todd Barnett, caught in the middle, said, “We’re trying to rebrand the mascot from ‘marauding looter’ to ‘respectful maritime historian.’ It’s been a challenge.”

Despite the mixed messaging, Whitmore has been honored with the Golden Clipboard of Justice, a mug that says “DMCA Enforcer,” and a year’s supply of laminating sheets.

She has no regrets.

“I came to read overdue book slips and end copyright infringement — and I’m all out of slips.”

---

(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person.)

07/23/2025

Cleburne County Declared Ground Zero for Bizarre Keyboard Warrior Conspiracies: Residents Warned Not to Trust Squirrels

By Lyle Blevins, Senior Conspiracy Correspondent

CLEBURNE COUNTY, AR — In what experts are calling "the most Arkansas thing since fried bologna on a paper plate," Cleburne County has emerged as the epicenter of several bizarre, yet alarmingly confident, conspiracy theories that locals are treating with the same seriousness as deer season.

County officials have been inundated with phone calls, hand-written letters, and even a few interpretive dance submissions warning of a wide array of suspicious happenings — ranging from subterranean lizard people breeding under Greers Ferry Lake to genetically modified squirrels employed by the federal government for "behavioral monitoring and minor cable theft."

"I'm telling you right now, that squirrel outside my window was blinking Morse code," said local truth-teller Buford “Booger” Hensley, who’s been documenting animal activity in a spiral notebook since 1997. “First it spelled out ‘5G,’ then it stared at my router for twenty minutes. Coincidence? Wake up, sheeple!”

Among the most popular conspiracy theories circulating in Cleburne County:

1. Sandy Beach is Actually a UFO Refueling Station

Multiple residents claim to have seen glowing lights and “non-biblical baptisms” taking place late at night near the water. One man swore he was abducted by aliens who returned him once they realized he didn’t have a current driver’s license or working knowledge of Excel.

2. The Heber Springs Walmart is a Secret Government Portal

A theory popularized by a woman known only as “Glenda with the crystals” alleges that the clearance section behind the electronics aisle conceals a wormhole to Washington, D.C. “That’s why they always have the same $5 DVDs. Time doesn’t move back there,” she explained, clutching a copy of Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.

3. Taco Bell’s Mild Sauce Is a Truth Serum

Following a string of overly honest confessions at the Heber Springs Taco Bell, conspiracy theorists believe the sauce is laced with a government chemical that forces people to admit things like "I never learned how to change a tire" and "I secretly prefer Pepsi." One man reportedly admitted to voting for city council based entirely on haircuts.

4. The Dam Is a Giant Weather Machine

Locals claim that the Greers Ferry Dam isn’t just for flood control—it’s actually a covert climate-control device used to manipulate rainfall, fog, and occasionally summon “spiritual humidity.” One theorist pointed to a humid Tuesday in March as “clear evidence of something unnatural, because my hair never frizzes that time of year.”

Sheriff’s Department officials issued a polite but concerned statement asking residents to "please stop mailing ham sandwiches to the office as evidence."

Despite mounting ridicule from outside counties, Cleburne residents remain committed to uncovering “the real truth,” holding weekly meetings at the Sonic drive-in parking lot, where tinfoil hats are both welcome and required.

When asked if any of the conspiracies had been debunked, local librarian-turned-podcast host Debra Lou Jackson replied, “Absolutely not. In fact, new evidence suggests that the Guy–Perkins Thunderbirds’ 1984 state championship was orchestrated by an interdimensional sports betting ring.”

As of press time, a new theory had begun to gain traction: that the entire county is actually a government simulation being controlled by a small child in a Bass Pro Shops hoodie named Kevin.

(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person.)

07/06/2025

City of Heber Springs Unveils Initiative With Hilarious New Street Names

Heber Springs, AR — July 6, 2025

In a bold move aimed at “managing public expectations,” the City of Heber Springs has announced a sweeping street renaming initiative, affectionately dubbed the "It'll Do Infrastructure Plan." The plan, approved unanimously by the city council after three and a half hours of confusion and one unscheduled nap, aims to make Heber Springs more “relatable, honest, and a little more Arkansas.”

The star of the initiative? A modest green street sign that’s gone viral on social media this week: “It’ll Do Rd.” What began as a rogue name suggestion during a potluck town hall has now become the inspirational cornerstone of a total municipal makeover.

“We looked around and realized... yeah, this’ll do,” said city planner Dale Thurman, shrugging while eating a microwaved corn dog. “Why try so hard when mediocrity is so comforting?”

Upcoming Name Changes Include:

Scenic Route → "Seen Better Rd"

> “Yeah, it’s got trees and stuff, but we figured we’d be honest. You’ve probably seen better,” said Tourism Director Judy Puckett, sipping from a Sonic Route 44.

Sunset Drive → "Kinda Cloudy Ln"

> “People kept expecting magical sunsets. Now they’ll expect partial visibility,” noted weather enthusiast Randy Higgs.

Lakeside Dr → "Mosquito Bayou Blvd"

> “Truth in advertising,” said Parks & Rec intern Tyler Mayfield, scratching his arms furiously.

Industrial Park Rd → "Still Tryin’ Way"

> "We got one factory, and it mostly makes potholes," admitted Mayor Jimmy Dale Collins, who approved the change while grilling hot dogs outside City Hall. "Now we can have tourism year-round, especially after the proposed Street Scavenger Hunt game is announced. Sponsors are being sought to add monetary prizes to the game."

Main Street → "Meh-n Street"

> “It’s not bad. There’s a Dollar General, a v**e shop, and one guy who sells boiled peanuts from a cooler,” said lifelong resident Tammy Jo Henderson. “So, you know… meh.”

The city also announced that "Success Lane" will soon be renamed "Participation Trophy Trail."

Citizens were initially skeptical, but sentiment changed after realizing the signs made for excellent Instagram backdrops and T-shirts. Local business owner Linda Mae Stovall has already launched a line of apparel reading “I’ll meet you on It’ll Do Rd.” (Already installed)

The full renaming plan will roll out in phases, provided no one gets distracted or gives up halfway through—which is looking increasingly likely according to city records.

(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person.)

06/23/2025

Quitman Man Destroys Local Fly Population, Declared National Treasure

QUITMAN, AR — In a stunning display of speed, strategery, and sheer spite, local man Randy “Buzzkill” Thompson has single-handedly dismantled the entire housefly population within a tenth-mile radius, earning him the town's highest honor: a gift certificate to Sonic and the title of “Fly Slayer of the Year.”

Clutching a plywood board of 18 houseflies like a bass fisherman showing off a record catch, Randy stood in his backyard Saturday afternoon, grinning like a man who’d just been told mosquitoes were next.

“People call it weird,” Randy said, puffing out his chest, “but those flies knew what they did. They buzzed my ear during Jeopardy. They landed on my chili. One of ‘em even had the nerve to sit on my forehead while I was saying grace. This is justice.”

Randy’s “Fly Mount of Glory” features his victims pinned in perfect rows, each one allegedly taken out with nothing more than a flick of the wrist and a well-seasoned swatter named The Annihilator. The whole display smells faintly of vengeance and perfection.

Neighbors initially thought Randy had “completely lost it” when they saw him crouching in camo behind his screen door for hours. “Turns out,” said neighbor Denise Ballard, “he was just waiting for the 3 p.m. swarm. Like clockwork. Man’s a tactician.”

Inspired by nature documentaries and one too many episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger, Randy developed his signature move: the double backhand slap-n’-trap. “I got that one on a drone camera,” he said proudly. “Gonna submit it to ESPN Top Plays.”

The town is now buzzing — or rather, not buzzing — with praise. Local officials have offered Randy a ceremonial sash that reads “Swat Team Captain,” and the city council is drafting plans to erect a bronze statue of him mid-swat.

Children will now carry flyswatters to school in tribute. One teacher said students have stopped raising their hands and instead just slap the air when they have a question.

When asked what’s next for Quitman’s deadliest man, Randy didn’t hesitate:
“Wasps. I’ve already got a stun gun and a bug net. They don’t know it yet, but I’m coming.”

Randy is working on a price list in case someone wants to hire an award-winning swatter.

(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person.)

Cleburne Co. Satire News to Amuse

11/23/2025

10/20/2025

10/19/2025

10/10/2025

10/05/2025

09/04/2025

08/28/2025

08/03/2025

07/25/2025

07/23/2025

07/06/2025

06/23/2025

Address

Website

Alerts

Shortcuts

Share

Category