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Cleburne Co. Satire News to Amuse, Heber Springs, AR (2025)

09/04/2025

Higden Threatens to Secede Over Zip Code Dispute With Greers Ferry

HIGDEN, AR – After decades of what residents are calling “mail tyranny,” the town of Higden has officially declared it is “sick and tired” of sharing a zip code with neighboring Greers Ferry.

Mayor Buckley Ray, wearing a “Make Higden Independent Again” cap, announced the plan at Tuesday’s town meeting. “We’re a proud people,” Ray said. “And we’re tired of Amazon packages ending up in some stranger’s goat pen the next city over. It’s time for Higden to stand on its own digits.”

The proposed breakaway would establish Higden’s very own micro-nation, complete with a post office shack, a town seal featuring a fishing pole and a lawn chair, and a unique zip code beginning with “42069,” which leaders say will “attract younger tourists.”

Not everyone is on board. Critics from Greers Ferry argue the move would create chaos. “If Higden leaves, who’s gonna sign for our FedEx guy when we’re out noodling catfish?” asked lifelong Greers Ferry resident Edna Sue Holt.

Despite the controversy, Higden’s Independence Committee is moving forward. Residents have already begun designing passports, which will double as fishing licenses, and a city anthem loosely based on the jingle from the old Sonic Drive-In commercials.

“If we have to, we’ll build a wall,” Mayor Ray added. “And it’ll be made entirely out of old pontoon boats.”

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(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person. )

08/28/2025

Greers Ferry Man Attempts to Sleep His Way Into Wealth

GREERS FERRY, AR — In what locals are calling “the laziest get-rich-quick scheme ever attempted,” 42-year-old Donnie Ray Miller of Greers Ferry has announced his plan to sleep until he becomes a millionaire.

Miller claims his idea is based on a popular saying he overheard at the gas station. “They always say, ‘If you go woke, you go broke,’” Miller explained. “Well, I thought, what’s the opposite of woke? Asleep. So if I stay asleep, I should get rich. It’s just math.”

So far, Miller has spent three consecutive days in bed, waking only to snack on Funyuns and check his bank account. “I’m not rich yet,” he admitted, “but I figure the longer I nap, the closer I get. Jeff Bezos probably slept a lot before Amazon.”

Family members are skeptical. His cousin Tammy, who has been tasked with spraying Febreze around his bedroom, said, “We all thought Donnie was lazy, but turns out he’s just a financial visionary. At this rate, he’s either going to be rich or permanently unemployed — but honestly, there’s no difference.”

Miller insists he will remain in bed “until the money shows up,” though critics point out he may be confusing wealth accumulation with hibernation. “Bears don’t wake up with a trust fund,” Tammy added.

Local banks have confirmed that Miller’s checking account balance has remained at $8.14 since he began his slumber experiment.

(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person.)

08/03/2025

Wilburn Man Claims He's Part Lizard, Plans to Run Across Greers Ferry Lake Like a Reptilian Messiah

by Lyle Crick, Cleburne County Courier of Questionable Credibility

WILBURN, AR — In a bold announcement that has shaken the very foundations of science, sanity, and the local bait shop, a Wilburn man is claiming to be part basilisk lizard and says he's ready to set a world record by becoming the first human to run across water — starting at HARPS and sprinting straight across Greers Ferry Lake to the Heber Springs Recreation Area.

"Y’all ever seen one of them Jesus lizards? Well, I got the same ankles," said 38-year-old Jed “Skippy” Ledbetter, clad in cutoff camo shorts, a mesh tank top, and a suspiciously duct-taped pair of Crocs. "I been training for this since my cousin dared me to sprint through the kiddie pool last Fourth of July. Now I’m takin' it to the big leagues, baby!"

Ledbetter, who insists his DNA is "roughly 42% basilisk due to a tragic incident at the Little Rock Zoo petting exhibit in 1997," says his attempt is not only a feat of athleticism but a spiritual journey.

“Ever since I got struck by lightning and fell into the fish pond at Tractor Supply, I ain't been the same,” he said, eyes darting in all directions like a lizard spotting a cricket buffet. “I can feel the lake calling me. It's like the water wants me to run on it.”

Local authorities have already issued several statements advising citizens not to attempt amphibious marathons across Greers Ferry Lake, especially during high-speed boat traffic or peak catfishing hours.

Still, Ledbetter's confidence is unshaken. "I’m gonna start at the HARPS parking lot, get a good stretch in by the soda pop machine, then it's full send to the lake. I figure if I hit 17 mph by the boat ramp off Hwy 110 West, I’ll hydroplane clean across.”

A crowd is expected to gather, with supporters bringing lawn chairs, binoculars, and — per tradition — hot dogs wrapped in foil. Area churches have issued a joint prayer chain, and the Heber Fire Department will be standing by with a canoe, a rescue drone, and a towel.

Dr. Linda Massey, a local biologist, called the attempt “scientifically impossible but regionally inevitable.”

“I’ve studied lizards for 25 years and Arkansans for longer,” she said. “Honestly, I’m more surprised this didn’t happen sooner.”

Ledbetter has no formal sponsors, though local businesses have offered support. “If he makes it across, he gets a free large Sonic Blast from the Heber location,” said assistant manager Tonya Flake. “If he doesn’t... well, we’ll name a fish sandwich after him.”

As of press time, Jed “Skippy” Ledbetter was seen practicing wind sprints down Highway 5, shouting “These legs weren’t made for walkin’, they were made for glidin’!”

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(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person.)

07/25/2025

Local Heroine Single-Handedly Ends Illegal Pirating Ring at Concord School, Sparking Feud with Actual Mascot

CONCORD, AR — In an astonishing display of zero-tolerance policy and over-caffeinated righteousness, 58-year-old Linda Faye Whitmore has become a local legend after single-handedly dismantling a widespread underground pirating ring inside Concord School — ironically home of The Concord Pirates.

The illegal activity? Unlicensed photocopies of BrainPop worksheets, Netflix password trafficking, and a suspicious black market of AI-generated book reports on Where the Red Fern Grows.

Wielding a yardstick like a sword and her librarian’s glare like a flamethrower, Whitmore stormed the computer lab and declared, “Piracy has no place in this school!” before realizing the entire hallway was decorated with pirate flags, eye patches, and a mural of their smiling mascot, “Captain Concord.”

“I said what I said,” Whitmore confirmed. “There’s a difference between school spirit and federal crimes. Captain Concord may be a jolly mascot, but he’s also an enabler.”

Students were mid-illegal stream of Encino Man for a supposed “geological research project” when Whitmore entered and screamed, “I will plunder your hard drives!”

Sophomore Landon Phipps said, “She made me delete my entire Google Drive just for having a folder labeled ‘U.S. Gov’t Answers Totally Legit.’ That wasn’t even pirate stuff — that was just cheating.”

Following the crackdown, Whitmore was seen in a heated confrontation with the school’s mascot — a senior in a giant foam pirate head — shouting, “You’re part of the problem!” while yanking down a papier-mâché cannon display from the pep rally float.

The school board has since called an emergency session to resolve “a complex identity crisis” now brewing between promoting academic integrity and the mascot literally being a pirate.

Principal Todd Barnett, caught in the middle, said, “We’re trying to rebrand the mascot from ‘marauding looter’ to ‘respectful maritime historian.’ It’s been a challenge.”

Despite the mixed messaging, Whitmore has been honored with the Golden Clipboard of Justice, a mug that says “DMCA Enforcer,” and a year’s supply of laminating sheets.

She has no regrets.

“I came to read overdue book slips and end copyright infringement — and I’m all out of slips.”

---

(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person.)

07/23/2025

Cleburne County Declared Ground Zero for Bizarre Keyboard Warrior Conspiracies: Residents Warned Not to Trust Squirrels

By Lyle Blevins, Senior Conspiracy Correspondent

CLEBURNE COUNTY, AR — In what experts are calling "the most Arkansas thing since fried bologna on a paper plate," Cleburne County has emerged as the epicenter of several bizarre, yet alarmingly confident, conspiracy theories that locals are treating with the same seriousness as deer season.

County officials have been inundated with phone calls, hand-written letters, and even a few interpretive dance submissions warning of a wide array of suspicious happenings — ranging from subterranean lizard people breeding under Greers Ferry Lake to genetically modified squirrels employed by the federal government for "behavioral monitoring and minor cable theft."

"I'm telling you right now, that squirrel outside my window was blinking Morse code," said local truth-teller Buford “Booger” Hensley, who’s been documenting animal activity in a spiral notebook since 1997. “First it spelled out ‘5G,’ then it stared at my router for twenty minutes. Coincidence? Wake up, sheeple!”

Among the most popular conspiracy theories circulating in Cleburne County:

1. Sandy Beach is Actually a UFO Refueling Station

Multiple residents claim to have seen glowing lights and “non-biblical baptisms” taking place late at night near the water. One man swore he was abducted by aliens who returned him once they realized he didn’t have a current driver’s license or working knowledge of Excel.

2. The Heber Springs Walmart is a Secret Government Portal

A theory popularized by a woman known only as “Glenda with the crystals” alleges that the clearance section behind the electronics aisle conceals a wormhole to Washington, D.C. “That’s why they always have the same $5 DVDs. Time doesn’t move back there,” she explained, clutching a copy of Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.

3. Taco Bell’s Mild Sauce Is a Truth Serum

Following a string of overly honest confessions at the Heber Springs Taco Bell, conspiracy theorists believe the sauce is laced with a government chemical that forces people to admit things like "I never learned how to change a tire" and "I secretly prefer Pepsi." One man reportedly admitted to voting for city council based entirely on haircuts.

4. The Dam Is a Giant Weather Machine

Locals claim that the Greers Ferry Dam isn’t just for flood control—it’s actually a covert climate-control device used to manipulate rainfall, fog, and occasionally summon “spiritual humidity.” One theorist pointed to a humid Tuesday in March as “clear evidence of something unnatural, because my hair never frizzes that time of year.”

Sheriff’s Department officials issued a polite but concerned statement asking residents to "please stop mailing ham sandwiches to the office as evidence."

Despite mounting ridicule from outside counties, Cleburne residents remain committed to uncovering “the real truth,” holding weekly meetings at the Sonic drive-in parking lot, where tinfoil hats are both welcome and required.

When asked if any of the conspiracies had been debunked, local librarian-turned-podcast host Debra Lou Jackson replied, “Absolutely not. In fact, new evidence suggests that the Guy–Perkins Thunderbirds’ 1984 state championship was orchestrated by an interdimensional sports betting ring.”

As of press time, a new theory had begun to gain traction: that the entire county is actually a government simulation being controlled by a small child in a Bass Pro Shops hoodie named Kevin.

(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person.)

07/06/2025

City of Heber Springs Unveils Initiative With Hilarious New Street Names

Heber Springs, AR — July 6, 2025

In a bold move aimed at “managing public expectations,” the City of Heber Springs has announced a sweeping street renaming initiative, affectionately dubbed the "It'll Do Infrastructure Plan." The plan, approved unanimously by the city council after three and a half hours of confusion and one unscheduled nap, aims to make Heber Springs more “relatable, honest, and a little more Arkansas.”

The star of the initiative? A modest green street sign that’s gone viral on social media this week: “It’ll Do Rd.” What began as a rogue name suggestion during a potluck town hall has now become the inspirational cornerstone of a total municipal makeover.

“We looked around and realized... yeah, this’ll do,” said city planner Dale Thurman, shrugging while eating a microwaved corn dog. “Why try so hard when mediocrity is so comforting?”

Upcoming Name Changes Include:

Scenic Route → "Seen Better Rd"

> “Yeah, it’s got trees and stuff, but we figured we’d be honest. You’ve probably seen better,” said Tourism Director Judy Puckett, sipping from a Sonic Route 44.

Sunset Drive → "Kinda Cloudy Ln"

> “People kept expecting magical sunsets. Now they’ll expect partial visibility,” noted weather enthusiast Randy Higgs.

Lakeside Dr → "Mosquito Bayou Blvd"

> “Truth in advertising,” said Parks & Rec intern Tyler Mayfield, scratching his arms furiously.

Industrial Park Rd → "Still Tryin’ Way"

> "We got one factory, and it mostly makes potholes," admitted Mayor Jimmy Dale Collins, who approved the change while grilling hot dogs outside City Hall. "Now we can have tourism year-round, especially after the proposed Street Scavenger Hunt game is announced. Sponsors are being sought to add monetary prizes to the game."

Main Street → "Meh-n Street"

> “It’s not bad. There’s a Dollar General, a v**e shop, and one guy who sells boiled peanuts from a cooler,” said lifelong resident Tammy Jo Henderson. “So, you know… meh.”

The city also announced that "Success Lane" will soon be renamed "Participation Trophy Trail."

Citizens were initially skeptical, but sentiment changed after realizing the signs made for excellent Instagram backdrops and T-shirts. Local business owner Linda Mae Stovall has already launched a line of apparel reading “I’ll meet you on It’ll Do Rd.” (Already installed)

The full renaming plan will roll out in phases, provided no one gets distracted or gives up halfway through—which is looking increasingly likely according to city records.

(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person.)

06/23/2025

Quitman Man Destroys Local Fly Population, Declared National Treasure

QUITMAN, AR — In a stunning display of speed, strategery, and sheer spite, local man Randy “Buzzkill” Thompson has single-handedly dismantled the entire housefly population within a tenth-mile radius, earning him the town's highest honor: a gift certificate to Sonic and the title of “Fly Slayer of the Year.”

Clutching a plywood board of 18 houseflies like a bass fisherman showing off a record catch, Randy stood in his backyard Saturday afternoon, grinning like a man who’d just been told mosquitoes were next.

“People call it weird,” Randy said, puffing out his chest, “but those flies knew what they did. They buzzed my ear during Jeopardy. They landed on my chili. One of ‘em even had the nerve to sit on my forehead while I was saying grace. This is justice.”

Randy’s “Fly Mount of Glory” features his victims pinned in perfect rows, each one allegedly taken out with nothing more than a flick of the wrist and a well-seasoned swatter named The Annihilator. The whole display smells faintly of vengeance and perfection.

Neighbors initially thought Randy had “completely lost it” when they saw him crouching in camo behind his screen door for hours. “Turns out,” said neighbor Denise Ballard, “he was just waiting for the 3 p.m. swarm. Like clockwork. Man’s a tactician.”

Inspired by nature documentaries and one too many episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger, Randy developed his signature move: the double backhand slap-n’-trap. “I got that one on a drone camera,” he said proudly. “Gonna submit it to ESPN Top Plays.”

The town is now buzzing — or rather, not buzzing — with praise. Local officials have offered Randy a ceremonial sash that reads “Swat Team Captain,” and the city council is drafting plans to erect a bronze statue of him mid-swat.

Children will now carry flyswatters to school in tribute. One teacher said students have stopped raising their hands and instead just slap the air when they have a question.

When asked what’s next for Quitman’s deadliest man, Randy didn’t hesitate:
“Wasps. I’ve already got a stun gun and a bug net. They don’t know it yet, but I’m coming.”

Randy is working on a price list in case someone wants to hire an award-winning swatter.

(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person.)

06/20/2025

WNBA Hires Vince McMahon as New Script Writer to “Spice Things Up”
Steel Chairs and Slam Dunks Coming This Summer

In an unprecedented crossover that no one saw coming (and most still don’t believe is real), the WNBA announced today that it has hired former WWE Chairman Vince McMahon as its new Head of Narrative and On-Court Entertainment.

League commissioner Cathy Engelbert made the shocking announcement at a press conference held in front of a flaming basketball hoop and a smoke machine that wouldn’t turn off.

“We realized that while our athletes are incredible, what the league needs is drama,” Engelbert explained, adjusting her sunglasses indoors. “We’re talking entrances, rivalries, chair-throwing technical fouls, and more plot twists than a telenovela in a blender. And when it comes to over-the-top drama, who better than Mr. McMahon?”

McMahon, who appeared on stage by ripping through a giant foam basketball, took the mic and growled, “Forget March Madness — I’m bringing Mayhem to May, June, and July. The W in WNBA now stands for WHAM!”

New Features Under McMahon's Direction Include:

Wrestling Promos Before Tip-Off: Instead of player introductions, athletes now cut 90-second promos on their opponents. “Sue Bird may be retired,” said McMahon, “but imagine her yelling ‘I’M THE QUEEN OF THE COURT’ while pyrotechnics shoot out of the scoreboard.”

Steel Cage Overtime: Games that go into overtime will now be decided in a steel cage lowered from the rafters. The team with the last woman standing wins the game and a lifetime supply of Gatorade.

Themed Games: Upcoming events include "Chairs and Chains Night," "Backboard Breaker Brawl," and "Referee Heel Turn Week," where officials randomly switch allegiances mid-game.

Merchandising Deals: Each team will now be required to have at least one “villainous heel” and one “underdog face” for storyline balance. Expect Las Vegas Aces’ mascot to begin trash-talking fans and dunking babies through mini-hoops.

Critics have raised concerns about the direction of the league, especially after last week’s game between the New York Liberty and Chicago Sky ended with both coaches powerbombing each other through the scorer’s table.

“This is no longer basketball,” said one baffled fan. “This is... whatever happens when Space Jam meets WrestleMania in a fever dream.”

Still, viewership has reportedly quadrupled overnight, and ESPN has added a new category to its programming guide: “Sports Entertainment-Adjacent Sports.”

When asked if he had any long-term plans for the league, McMahon responded: “I’m thinking Royal Rumble-style playoffs. One court. Twelve teams. Only one walks away.”

He then climbed onto the podium, flexed dramatically, and screamed “WNBA: NO MERCY!” before elbow-dropping the podium in half.

Stay tuned for next week’s marquee matchup: Los Angeles Sparks vs. Connecticut Sun in a “Flaming Free Throw Inferno Match.”

---

(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not, for the most part, represent any real person.)

06/19/2025

Cleburne County to Replace Greers Ferry Dam with Giant Slip ’n Slide

Heber Springs, AR— In a bold bid to boost tourism and community “cohesion,” the Cleburne County Commission of Corps Competency has announced plans to remove the historic Greers Ferry Dam and install a massive 2-mile-long slip ’n slide running from Old Hwy 25 to across the lake—dubbed the “Ozark Over‑Thrill.”

Highlights from the commission’s plan:

A dedicated fast-lane for daredevils aiming to break the unofficial “slide‑through time” of 37 minutes.

A soundtrack system playing non-stop “eye of the tiger” from dive-in to take‑off zone.

A mandatory sap‑boots requirement, to keep residents from burn injuries on high-speed turns—aka “The Devil’s Bend.”

Commissioner Dolly Mayfield said, “We’re tired of the dam just sitting there. Let’s slide instead of regulate!” The County Engineer added the slide will also serve dual purpose—as a “public art installation, emergency raft route, and family therapy session on water.”

Local businesses are already cashing in:

The Heber Springs Chamber of Commerce is pitching “slip-and-sip” cruises: bourbon tastings atop the high slide deck.

A popup stand will sell SPF 50 “Slide‑Safe Butter” and rubber ducky-shaped life jackets.

Meanwhile, the Cleburne County Sheriff’s Department is offering “public supervision” with yellow caution tape, just in case things get too thrilling.

(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person.)

06/18/2025

MENUDO TO HEADLINE HEBER SPRINGS FREEDOMFEST 2025; CHAMBER OF COMMERCE TO ACCEPT DONATIONS FROM DESCENDANTS OF JAZZ GHOSTS

HEBER SPRINGS, AR — In what local officials are calling “a cultural booking decision” and others are calling “an intergenerational fever dream,” the boy band Menudo has been announced as the headlining act for FreedomFest 2025, set to take place July 5 at Sandy Beach.

Yes, that Menudo. The legendary Puerto Rican boy band that launched Ricky Martin into superstardom — and several dozen other interchangeable teens into relative obscurity — will grace the shores of Greers Ferry Lake with their signature synchronized dancing, vaguely remembered harmonies, and heavily moisturized nostalgia.

“Some of these guys are young enough to be our grandkids, and some might be our substitute teachers,” said FreedomFest Entertainment Coordinator Linda Sue Hopkins, thumbing through a weathered stack of laminated 1980s Tiger Beat magazines. “But they still move like it's 1983 and that's all that matters.”

The booking came as a surprise to many in the community, especially considering that Menudo has had more rotating members than the local town pr******te. One festivalgoer described the act as “a never-ending conga line of puberty.”

Festival activities will also include competitive sparkler relays, the Annual Patriotic Dogs-in-Costume Parade, and the wildly popular "Toss the Tea in the Lake" pageant, which commemorates the American Revolution and sells out of iced sweet tea every year.

But perhaps the most ambitious part of this year’s event comes not from the stage — but from the Heber Springs Chamber of Commerce, who announced plans to collect donations toward next year’s entertainment by reaching out to the great-grandchildren of musicians from the original 1920s Dixieland jazz outfit, “The Origins.”

“We figured if Menudo can make a comeback, so can a jazz band that hasn’t played since Prohibition,” said Chamber President Harold T. Blevins while tuning a ukulele he’s “pretty sure belonged to Al Capone’s laundry boy.” “These descendants owe it to the town to honor their roots by funding a fog machine or at least a working microphone for 2026.”

Plans are already underway to create a scholarship fund for "descendants of semi-famous musicians with questionable copyright claims." Interested families are encouraged to bring ancestral documents, old trumpets, or VHS footage of toe-tapping uncles to the Chamber tent near the funnel cake stand.

As for Menudo, the current lineup includes three TikTok influencers, one actual 12-year-old, and a guy named Miguel who swears he was in the original band but no one can prove it. When asked why they agreed to perform in Heber Springs, they collectively answered: “We thought it was in Florida.”

FreedomFest 2025 is expected to draw dozens of confused millennials, scores of boomers with lawn chairs, and at least one guy named Randy who insists he “saw Menudo open for Huey Lewis in ‘84 and it changed his life.”

(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person.)

06/17/2025

Dairy Queen Stands by Her Man: "No Kings Protesters Just Jealous I Got a Whopper"

By Sundae McSkeptic | June 17, 2025

In a shocking swirl of drama, Dairy Queen has emerged from her frosty palace to publicly defend her long-time flame, Burger King, amid a series of misguided No Kings protests currently sweeping the nation.

The protests, originally intended to critique monarchical systems, economic inequality, and the royal obsession with fast food mascots, have taken an unexpected turn after several protest groups mistakenly picketed Burger King locations, chanting slogans like “Down with the Crown,” “Beef is Not Sovereignty,” and “Fry the Patriarchy!”

But Dairy Queen, known for her cool demeanor and whipped peaks, is not having it.

In a press conference outside a suburban Dairy Queen location — flanked by a Blizzards-for-Justice banner and a security team of sentient dilly bars — the Queen addressed the nation.

“Look, y’all can come for the monarchy, but don’t come for my man. Burger King has been flame-grilling truth since 1954. You think Ronald McDonald treats his partners right? That clown ghosted Wendy after one collab meal. One.”

She paused dramatically, scooping a spoonful of Oreo Blizzard from her tiara.

“These protesters are clearly lactose-intolerant and emotionally repressed. The only thing they’re revolting against is flavor.”

Critics, however, remain unconvinced. “This is corporate royalty gaslighting the public,” said protest organizer Kaleigh Witha-Y, who was recently seen trying to throw vegan nuggets at a Burger King drive-thru in Topeka. “We said No Kings, not Only If He’s Dating a Dairy-Based Deity With Good PR.”

The movement has caused chaos across the fast food realm. Arby’s declared neutrality. Popeyes issued a brief statement: “We’re still chicken.”

Wendy, once romantically linked to the King in a messy 2010 sauce-packet scandal, posted a cryptic tweet simply reading:

“Some crowns rust faster than others. ”

Back at the press conference, Dairy Queen doubled down:

“The crown isn’t the problem. It’s the clowns in charge of the menu of society. So unless y’all got a sundae with your socialist pamphlet, kindly chill.”

The King himself was unavailable for comment, reportedly stuck in a marketing photoshoot astride an onion ring steed. However, sources close to the monarchy claim he “appreciates his Queen’s loyalty” and is preparing a new slogan in response to the controversy:
“Still Your Highness, Still Your Happiness.”

As the protests continue, one thing is clear: fast food royalty isn't melting under pressure — at least not yet.

(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person.)

06/16/2025

BREAKING: ‘No Kings’ Protesters Accidentally Picket Burger Kings Nationwide, Demand Fast Food Monarchy Be Abolished

June 16, 2025 – By Dunton Fishburg, Satirical Correspondent-in-Chief

In what analysts are calling “the most delicious misunderstanding of the decade,” anti-monarchy protesters known as the “No Kings” movement mistakenly staged protests outside of over 500 Burger King locations across the United States, believing the fast food franchise to be a central symbol of global monarchic oppression.

The protests, originally organized to oppose hereditary rule and royal privilege following a recent global summit of surviving monarchs, took a dramatic turn when online organizers used the hashtag and told supporters to “take it to the kings.”

Apparently, the phrase was taken quite literally by large segments of the internet.

“We saw the sign that said Home of the Whopper and figured that was some kind of royal propaganda,” said protester Skylar Meeks, holding a defaced Burger King crown and a sign reading “DOWN WITH THE BUNARCHY.”

Eyewitnesses reported scenes of confusion and misplaced rage as protesters chanted “Dethrone the meat monarch!” and attempted to storm drive-thru lanes in protest of “imperialist combo meals.”

“I tried explaining that it’s just a fast food place and that ‘The King’ is fictional,” said store manager Randy Phelps of a Nashville location, “but they told me I was complicit in ‘lettuce-based lies.’”

Across the nation, Burger King employees were left bewildered and occasionally amused. Some stores temporarily ran out of paper crowns as demonstrators demanded they be “ritually burned,” while others took selfies in front of inflatable King mascots holding signs like “BEEF IS NOT SOVEREIGNTY” and “FRY THE PATRIARCHY.”

One particularly passionate faction in Portland chained themselves to the soda fountain, shouting, “No carbonation without representation!”

Political analysts are still unsure whether the protests will lead to any meaningful policy change, but Burger King released a brief statement Monday afternoon:

“We at Burger King support free speech and the right to protest. However, we would like to clarify that our King has no real political power, lives in a plastic castle, and is mostly used to sell chicken fries.”

Meanwhile, the real target of the protests—the international assembly of royal figures—remained entirely unaffected and somewhat amused. King Willem-Alexander of the Netherlands reportedly tweeted, “Love a good Whopper. Carry on.”

The No Kings movement has since vowed to redirect its efforts after realizing their mistake.

“We’re embarrassed,” admitted organizer Trenton Bloom. “We really should’ve known when no royal guards showed up and someone handed me a coupon for two Whoppers for $6.”

In a surprising twist, sales at Burger King surged 18% this week, fueled by viral protest footage and ironic monarch-themed meal deals like “The Revolutionary Combo” and “Off With Their Onion Rings.”

Critics are already calling this America’s most successful revolution to date. Sort of.

(This is a satirical piece and should be viewed as such. If you don't know what satirical means, look it up. All names are fictional and do not represent any real person.)

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