Darts Magazine

01/06/2026

Cosmic Darts. 🪐✨👽👾

12/30/2025

We’ll be shooting darts at Unihog tomorrow. Bring your team. Bring yourself. Bring a childlike sense of wonder. No buy ins, just good old fashioned five on five team darts. The illustrious Unihog will be putting some tacos out for us shooters and it’s bound to be a good time founded on community and friendship. That’s kind of what happens there so no surprises. Hope to see ya there!

🎯

12/16/2025

This is Darts Magazine, a publication to represent the world today.
Nonsensical, in poor taste and completely devoid of meaning.
Dear reader, no one is more “butt hurt” about this sad state of affairs than me, Editor in Chief and sole Reporter for this burning donkey turd of a magazine.

What went wrong?

Did bro low key fall off?

Probably an undiagnosed traumatic brain injury, but who am I to guess, I’m no fake doctor. But that does give me an idea…

We reached out to Darts Magazine founder Brian Gardner for comment and he had this to say, “C’mon man it’s not complicated just like say your team has the best beards in darts. Also, you gotta stop tagging me in these fake interviews. This is your thing now man. Washing my hands of the whole thing.”

Hmmm much to ponder on.

While many questions remained unasked and unanswered, we do know this… I still have this Facebook account.

And at the end of the day isn’t that what’s important, what you make pretend to be.

So I guess we’ll keep on chasing that mirage, and hey, who knows, maybe we’ll find some forgotten oasis. Not because we deserve it, not because we earned it, just dumb luck.

This is Darts Magazine. A whisper in the dark.

🎯

12/09/2025

12/02/2025

I don’t gotta tell you who this guy is. One of the best high kicks in the league. Ranked 18th in the nation at his age and weight bracket.
When you see Jamey Slick tonight wish him the happiest of birthdays. Love ya bud.

Let’s go Darts! 🎯

11/25/2025

WELCOME BACK TO DARTS MAGAZINE!

The ONLY Magazine with a BAC above the legal limit! 😤

Oh what to do in a game with two Stu’s but ponder which one will choke and which will rule!
That’s right tonight America’s Team Unihog Wilder takes on the dastardly Armed & Hammered in Tuesday Dart Night some are calling, “just another night of darts”.

The Stu’s are out tonight and boy are they shining bright!
There is more on the line tonight than wins and loses as the Stu who reigns supreme will get to retain the title of Stu and the loser will leave town never to be seen again!

Lot’s on the line tonight and as never Darts Magazine will keep you up to late without any updates on all the action from just our game!

Please tip your bartender’s tonight and may my team win!

This was Darts Magazine, you should probably wash your hands now.

🙌🎯

11/18/2025

Tuesday morning. The light struggles to break through the heavy grey of the November sky and somewhere high above, somewhere it wins at last and fills the window with that early golden hue that rustles a body awake, oh there is much to do.
This is Darts Magazine.
Today I want to reflect on our history, on our present and even to look through our own clouds to glimpse some sunny light of tomorrow’s victories, may they come ever last to our windows.
I hear about the times before in this League of drunken yore of the standard a shooter would need to achieve before ever touching a steel tip to a board. You’d have to have a 27 average to even be considered for a team. I think of those old timers as Monastic believers in the night, when the barrooms were full between every whistle of the shift change when the mills would empty out and men would take their cure leaned against varnished wood and there take serious to sport what we casually throw against the wall. Those must have been some damn good games of darts.
Times change and the seasons aren’t what they used to be and as the bar scene fell so did those heights of darts fell too, short of their mark, an undeniable entropy of energy, the light moved on.
But it is not gone just yet. You are here to hold that line and stand as proud as you can to bear the legacy of this great league. And so we must embrace the present state and be encouraged by new and young shooters doing it their own way. The average score may be lower, but our spirits are higher than ever friends and it is an honor to share the night with you in joy and love and competition.
Let us hold to that love, that sportsmanship that embraces change and encourages all amongst us to be as good as we can be if we cannot be great.
Be soft in your shooting.
Be kind to each other.
Be yourself always and make tonight a celebration of life.
It is a gift.
It is a moment.
It is yours.

So use it right and let’s all have a good night.

❤️🎯

10/28/2025

Welcome back to Darts Magazine for this special gameday report!

Now let’s start and end with the match almost nobody is talking about as the World Champion Black Eagles cross the tracks to take on America’s Team, Unihog Wilder!

Moses White is listed as questionable on the injury report with a fu**ed up hip. We’re praying for his old ass to get back into dart shooting shape.

What does it take to reach the height of dart glory and hoist that…. is it a plaque…. er uh trophy of some sort high above their heads for the glory of almighty God?
Grit.
Determination and last but not least inebriation.

Stay tuned as we cover none of the action tonight keeping you a darkness black as the heart of man.

This is Darts Magazine, a home for the homies.

🎯

10/21/2025

Darts. A game as old as history itself….

ahh who am I kidding.

Welcome back sh*theads, let’s toast to friendship where you find it, curse the rest and tie one on for old times sake.
This life is but a veil and our time here so short and thin.
That’s why you gotta live big and lay it on the line with whatever you got left, whatever the bastards didn’t bleed out of you at work.
That’s yours. That’s your life. Now ya gonna run home and lock the door and hide from the world in fear? Ya gonna just let em club ya into dank submission and go so quietly into that goodnight?
Or are ya gonna let if fly.
Say f**k it and toss a few back with the boys and babes of the night.
That sounds like freedom to me.
That sounds like darts baby.

Good luck and may my team win!

Wilder than you! Woo!

💪🎯

04/24/2025

Well the off season is upon us. It’s down to pick up games and a generalized alcoholism that only true athletes know.
It feels desperate doesn’t it, asking the bartender for those turkey tails? Well it is. Chasing. That’s the addicts game. Chasing. Never catching. Just that final inning waiting for you at the end. In life there is no 10th, you just gotta leave it on the boards. Much like your average it all trends downward until you got nothing but the things you’ve forsaken.
Feels like some days I’m facing the wrong way, back to the board and firing these darts into nothing at all. Call em where they lie brother and pick me up if you ever can.
This is Darts Magazine. A cautionary tale. 🎯

03/18/2025

It’s Election Day in Hoosick Falls and Darts Magazine is here to provide the latest and most devastating scandal of this tense local election.
No stranger to controversy, Darts Magazine is AGHAST at the disgraceful way these candidates have yet to address the most pressing issue our fair town faces.

What are you doing for our darts?!?

Are we just supposed to assume these candidates will lead our town to a new age of Dart League glory when THEY HAVEN’T EVEN MENTIONED IT ONCE?!?

So when you go to the polls today good citizens of these hallowed falls, keep in mind who would give you a team point on a wire dart, who would pick you up after an X, who would lift you to the rafters after that bird and who know when to dole out the rally shots.

That’s right, there is only one name you can think of when it comes to having your back on the boards…. and that name is Darts Magazine.

Write in Darts Magazine for your Mayoral vote and send a message….. to wherever the town office is…. that you are DONE with business as usual and you need a Magazine to get in there and really shake things up!

Darts Magazine, it’s an American tradition.
🇺🇸🎯

03/12/2025

This is the end, again.
Why not then begin again.

This is Darts Magazine.

The first round of playoffs are in the books and many of the shooters may still be in their beds or couches where they slouched off to sleep at some ungodly hour this morning.
Two teams won and get to fight on for the glory of a Championship, and they should be heralded because everyone wants to win, but there is more to be learned in losing.

Here’s to the losers.

The failures.

Just like their darts that fell short of the mark, those who are low and outside, on the wrong side of the wire.

Shake it off kid.
You tried.

You lost.
You’ll get em next time.
This is just a game.

It’s just your pride that’s hurting.
You’re alright.

The litany of these reassurances feel like a prayer, like forgiveness, like the grace you can only give yourself.

Next week there will be two more winners and two more losers and then one will remain and then they will be a memory, another name in the long history of our league.

There will be less to say for those who say it themselves.

Those glorious bastards need no bard or barooom poet to sing their song.
They need no embellishment.

For the broken, for the beaten… you have Darts Magazine to wallow in.

I know it’s not what you wanted, but you just have to take what you get.

🎯