I’m here to share my personal journey of discovery and healing with you. Letter from the Creator,
Dear friends,
I’m so glad you found us…….. I’m an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. This is a safe, supportive, and secure space to share. Let me begin by giving you a little bit of background……
Growing up in a rural small town in Clark county, Ohio during the ’70s and ’80s, the subject o
f "sex" in general just wasn’t discussed. It was considered an extreme taboo topic, hence, sex education was a required subject in high school. The reproductive system, menstrual cycles, sexual interaction, pregnancy prevention, and birth were among the topics we covered, but it was up to our parents to educate us teens beyond that point. Most households consisted of two parents, which usually were hardworking middle-class families, law-abiding citizens, and American patriots; most were church-going and God-fearing folks, and families played more of an important role in raising children. Fathers’ usually worked outside the home, and the mothers’ mostly worked in the home caring for us kids. There were always fun events every weekend at the grandparents, cousins, family or friends, as well as long vacations. Growing up in my time, we didn't have cell phones, social media, streaming networks, internet accessibility, or gaming systems, let alone access to the type of television entertainment available today. We played outside from dusk to dawn in the summer and when we were in school, once we finished our homework, we were outside again. We all knew each other, and on my childhood street there were numerous kids, so we never got bored, and we all got along. I had some of the best friends I could have ever had growing up. The neighborhood was safe and secure, and we all looked out for each other. The issue of child sexual abuse, currently plaguing our world today, had not been discussed openly, let alone child sex trafficking. It just was not common to talk about sex or abuse of any kind, whether it was happening in or outside the home. Yes, we were taught about “stranger danger”, and what to do if someone we didn't know inappropriately approached us as children. But, despite the common misconception, it's not always strangers that pose a threat, many times the perpetrators are people close to you, as it were in my case. Yes, it was a close relative. I was a child and my offender was a teenager……. During the period of my abuse, there were more victims, amongst myself, that became a part of the twisted sick “game” this person had in mind. With the knowledge of other victims like myself, I was terrified of speaking up because the person who caused me harm, and distress was someone I had a connection with. It was hard to comprehend and difficult to process, the idea that a person I held in high esteem had betrayed my trust in such a volatile way! Living a life with the idea of shoulder staggering the burden, I continued to keep it all a secret until my early twenties. I was so scared of what could happen if I spoke out and wondered…..who would even believe me!? As an LPMHC, throughout my 40-plus year career, I have not only experienced, but have also witnessed the emotional scars, mental torture, and devastating physical problems sexual trauma has left on children, adults, and their families; I have spoken to other adult survivors who have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as a direct result of childhood sexual trauma, both personally and professionally. Children who have experienced childhood trauma in any form can be affected cognitively, emotionally, and physically. In some cases, the scars are so deep, that it's impossible to imagine what horrors and torture those adults went through as children. Because of my childhood trauma, I have struggled to navigate through adulthood while working in my chosen profession. I was just functioning, working, attending school, while not even realizing it at the time, that I was an adult who was functioning with the mental and emotional growth of that eight year old child I was when the abuse began. Horrific as it was, everything I experienced as a child made me the person I am today. It has given me the strength and courage to share my story publicly in hopes that it reaches those who continue to struggle with the unseen mental anguish, and emotional torture they have suffered, in addition to the physical scars they continue to carry as constant reminders. To mask feelings of inadequacy, a lack of self-esteem, extreme panic, and severe anxiety in social situations, I began experimenting with alcohol and/or other altered addictive chemicals. I started smoking my grandfathers’ Camel non-filtered cigarettes at ten years of age. By the time I was a sophomore in high school, I was a full-blown functioning alcoholic. Before my senior year in high school I was hospitalized with an enlarged liver directly related to my alcohol consumption. I continued drinking alcohol throughout my adulthood, but finally quit in 1998. Have I slipped during extreme stress? Yes, I most certainly have, but I pick myself back up and go on with another day. Yes, I experimented with other drugs, but alcohol was my “drug of choice’. Sure, I appeared confident, and happy, even played sports, and was extremely social, but on the inside, I was a beautiful hot mess. As a teenager and as an adult, I felt such shame, extreme guilt, self-loathing, and distrust in so many of my relationships. My journey to full recovery began when I moved to Florida in 1987 with my parents. When I first arrived and already working in my chosen career, it had not been two years before I started experiencing the worst anxiety attacks of my life. I felt fear and panic like never before; so much that I thought it must be a heart attack! Thankfully, a trip to the hospital informed me that it was just a panic attack, prompting a referral for me to seek help from a psychiatrist. In some cases, childhood sexual abuse is so horrific it destroys the very core of someone's soul, the pain is just too deep that it sadly results in a permanent loss of life solution. As we move through puberty and onto adulthood, childhood sexual abuse infiltrates and intertwines with our natural developmental growth. I have felt the heavy burden and the loneliness of carrying around such a horrible “secret,” desperately wanting to just forget and move on with my life. But it gripped me until I finally found a psychologist in Titusville, Florida, who specialized in childhood trauma. She patiently encouraged me to start writing a letter to my offender. She helped me begin my journey of WALKING, TALKING, and getting REAL with my pain, while allowing the RAW truth of my emotional and mental anguish to come forward. It was then I began to heal myself from the inside out, completely. The process was gut wrenchingly painful, slow and exhausting, but so worth every second resulting in the release of every painful memory one at a time. Yes, it took over two years of intense deep cognitive behavioral therapy, and still remains a lifelong process for me every day. https://comprehensiveresourcemodel.com/radical-new-therapy-treat-untreatable-victims-trauma/)
As I continue walking beyond the trauma that stole my youth, my journey now is to maintain my safety, security, health, happiness, and well-being. To maintain a healthier and happier life, survivors of childhood sexual trauma should seek the help that they need to completely heal their deep emotional wounds. Survivors and victims have the right to have access to immediate resources and services. In the subconscious of our mind we become “stuck” at the age the abuse began. What I experienced as a child, altered and shaped the trajectory of my entire life. I was navigating through life while in survival mode desperate to walk through the reality I didn't choose to be a part of. If you want to gain the coping skills and ability to move forward and live a healthy and productive life after childhood sexual trauma, you must have multiple support resources as you walk, talk, and step beyond that pain. Whether the healing comes from faith, deep cognitive therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, prescription psychiatric medication, individual support groups, or a combination of treatments, it is the beginning of true and raw healing. As children grow and develop, the damaged emotional stage you’re stuck in is the age when the abuse occurred. In other words, your emotional, mental, and physical development are stunted. Trauma survivors are stuck with something I refer to as a “trauma-related brain barrier”, which can be a defense mechanism to safe guard our subconscious memories. As a result, our emotional growth is hijacked, leaving us cognitively trapped at the age the abuse began, which stunts both mental and emotional growth. With the brain's adaptive defense ability, your subconscious mind attempts to cope with the never-ending grief of a lifetime of failed relationships, personal disappointments, and the lack of natural growth. Survivors of childhood sexual trauma must remember "IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT; YOU DID NOTHING TO CAUSE THIS TO HAPPEN; YOU WERE A CHILD VICTIM; YOUR INNOCENCE WAS MANIPULATIVELY STOLEN FROM YOU! YOU ARE A SURVIVOR"!! Any form of mental illness in a discussion was still seen as something taboo, but thankfully the medication prescribed provided relief. Afterward, I was referred to the psychologist who saved my life by helping me uncover the emotional trauma I had experienced from the age of eight through eleven. PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) was eventually my diagnosis as the root cause for my anxiety, (https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd). This diagnosis opened doors for further healing in treatment and eventually enabled me to reclaim my life. People just are unable to find the resources or support to help them heal and live a healthier and better life after trauma. It's a continuous learning process. My parents have always been a pillar of inspiration in my life. From the moment I disclosed my childhood sexual trauma to them, they never judged me or questioned its validity; rather, they provided comfort and safety so I could freely share what had happened. This led me to experience the therapeutic process where I was able to truly catalog my emotions, allowing for their release - ultimately ending with forgiveness. No longer seeing this person as a monster, but instead recognizing how much help he/she needed through resources such as prison, rehabilitation, and offender support groups. Nonetheless, this is not about him/her; this is about us: survivors equipped with the strength and courage to confront our traumas, those currently facing sexual abuse, and those striving to create change. To create this safe web space for survivors to share their stories and experiences with treatment, addiction, self-blame, and self-injurious behaviors, like “cutting,” I was inspired by my mother. I have found it effective to be real, raw, open, honest, and self-disclosing, and to open the wounds of those gut-wrenching feelings. You may wonder, "Why bother dragging up the past?". If your childhood trauma effects your emotional growth, then you must deal with the pain before you can move forward a happier and healthier adult. After child sexual abuse, healing takes time and effort every day until the pain no longer controls your behavior and how you react to daily situations. This safe space is a nonjudgmental, compassionate online support for those struggling with trauma as a direct result of any kind of childhood sexual assault and violence. Whenever immediate assistance cannot be found, anyone can turn to this website, Sweet BeaZ House, for a secure way to find community support, and educational, and therapeutic resources. As a bridge, it connects trauma victims to resources when they can't get immediate assistance. Incidents of child sexual abuse, such as rape, exploitation, sex trafficking, molestation, and inequality have been on the rise in recent years. This has prompted a need for more candid dialogue about the different types of support available for those needing key services. Currently, however, there appears to be a disconnect between getting victims immediate help through mental health institutions, the medical community, and the justice system. The sooner victims and survivors acquire counseling and aid, the sooner recovery can commence. Millions of us are enduring the effects of society's unawareness and justification of child sex abuse just barely functioning day by day. In the late 80s and early 90s, few prevention measures were in place, and these mainly revolved around educating children on essential protection techniques. This was a vital initial step, but to truly counter child sexual abuse something greater and more varied has to be achieved. Everyone can help stop child sexual abuse. Ask the right questions of anyone you suspect, and know that if you have been affected by it, there is help available. It is important for those around children to understand that such behavior is an offense and to remind them that they are entitled to feel safe with their bodies. (https://www.marylandrecovery.com/blog/the-heavy-toll-of-ptsd-and-trauma-on-the-body-and-mind)
To provide information and hope, Sweet BeaZ House launched this online web service to provide information about child sexual abuse and trauma. Although it still affects many children, adults, and their families, every individual needs the right resources to encourage discussion of child sexual abuse directly. Anyone who needs assistance can find it here. The right information and suggestions help people find the strength they need to make the right choices. https://cptsdfoundation.org/
Last but not least, if you care about prevention and child sexual abuse has touched your life or the life of someone you know, please click on the link to our donation page to continue our efforts to provide education and resources to all those still suffering in silence. Sweet BeaZ House is funded almost entirely by donations like yours. Every donation, no matter how small, means the continuation of our personal outreach program, legitimate resource library, and any educational services needed for folks to live a healthier, happier, and more fulfilled life. My sincere thanks,
Constance (Nana) Lowe, LPMHC, Ph.D
