The Kankakee Chronicle

10/05/2025

Manteno Police Celebrate “Totally Normal” Donation Of $130,000 Rivian Squad Car That Definitely Isn’t Reporting To Beijing

Manteno, IL - In a heroic display of fiscal responsibility and mild international espionage, the Manteno Police Department proudly accepted a $130,000 Rivian electric police car donated by Gotion, the local lithium battery company currently being sued for reasons everyone’s pretending not to think about.

Trustees voted 4–2 in favor after Chief Alan Swinford confirmed, “Yes, it’s electric, and no, it hasn’t exploded yet.” The gleaming red cruiser—tastefully adorned with President Xi Jinping’s face on the side and a navigation system that politely whispers state secrets to Shanghai—will soon patrol Manteno’s peaceful streets in total compliance with the Chinese Communist Party’s terms of service.

Mayor Annette LaMore is rumored to have been gifted a Chinese “comfort boy” by the CCP, as she continues to cozy up with Gotion. Many feel she isn’t putting up the fight she promised while campaigning for mayor.

09/18/2025

09/15/2025

Unhoused Bowling Pins Seek New Home After Red Cedar Lanes Blaze

MOMENCE, IL — A fire destroyed the long-vacant Red Cedar Lanes early Saturday, leaving dozens of bowling pins homeless and camped along Gladiolus Street. The burned alley had been their last shelter.

Online, some residents joked about how they’re glad the pins are homeless and that they “had it coming” for not giving strikes back when the alley was open. Others called the fire tragic and mourned the pins. Mayor Chuck Steele lowered the city’s flags to half-mast to honor all that the bowling alley and the pins did for the community.

The pins that worked during the Veteran Bowling League have received an outpouring of support, with most now in halfway houses and off the street. Those who mainly worked at kids’ birthday parties have received less attention, remaining on the sidewalk and struggling with drugs and despair.

Two Momence residents were witnessed on Gladiolus Street Sunday afternoon arguing about the situation. Chester Briggs said he was glad the pins were homeless, claiming, “That’s what happens when you cook your drugs with an open flame; sometimes you get burnt.” In response, Mabel Thompson called him heartless, yelling, “Just because you don’t bowl and only play co****le doesn’t mean you have to be cruel. I know you work at Circle K! I’m going to get you fired, you ******!”

As night fell, some of the burnt pins stayed on the sidewalk, silent and chipped, a stark symbol of America’s extremes and the endless moral posturing that dominates public debate.

Donations to the homeless pins are currently being collected at Berkots, including funds for shelter, polish, and better he**in.

09/07/2025

Former One-Term Mayor Chastity Wells-Armstrong Honored with East Court Street McDonald’s Dumpster

Kankakee, IL – On Tuesday, the Kankakee City Council unanimously approved the resolution. Chastity Wells-Armstrong served a single term as mayor from 2017 to 2021, before losing in a landslide to Chris Curtis.

The city has honored others in similar ways, including former Illinois Gov. George Ryan, who was recognized with a pothole near the Speedway off the 308 exit of I-57.

After leaving Kankakee, Wells-Armstrong became Maywood’s village manager. A later investigation found she intimidated staff, retaliated against employees who disagreed with her, and made racist and homophobic remarks — even threatening to punch the mayor.

Some residents have been outraged after the resolution passed, saying the dumpster doesn’t deserve this.

09/01/2025

Dipsh*t Gondola Ride Almost Ruins Kankakee Regatta

Kankakee, IL – This year’s Kankakee Regatta was on choppy waters, a du***ss gondola had locals lined up and caused major problems.

Run by a Hispanic man with a fake Italian accent, the slow-moving ride sparked rumors that Tucci’s Italian Restaurant’s boat colluded with it to hinder rivals.

A racer collided with the gondola, nearly killing a couple aboard, and 30 people are still unaccounted for.

Officials said the ride won’t return.

08/29/2025

Alex Jones Claims Local LGBTQ+ Activists Vandalized Barrel at Bradley Cracker Barrel

Bradley, IL – Alex Jones claimed that a glory hole was drilled into one of the decorative barrels on the porch of Bradley’s Cracker Barrel. On Thursday’s episode of Infowars, Jones said his “sources” told him that LGBTQ+ activists, enraged over the company’s decision to roll back some of its “woke” changes following backlash, were behind the alleged vandalism.

However, The Kankakee Chronicle can report firsthand that no glory hole barrel was found on the premises.

Jones spent over an hour monologuing about the supposed incident, declaring:
“First it was the chemtrails, then they tried to turn the frogs gay. Now they want to turn THE Cracker Barrel into a flippin’ glory hole??!”

Jones also claimed he “knew something was amiss” after recently finding glitter in his beloved favorite order of Uncle Herschel’s Apple Dumplin’s.

Jonathan Saulsberry, acting General Manager of the Bradley Cracker Barrel, told The Chronicle that the restaurant has received dozens of angry calls from customers, some even making death threats, from across the country, mostly Indiana.

“It’s been tough on the staff, and they’re scared to come to work,” Saulsberry said. “We’ve had some people call in with support but then turn on us, calling us fascists when I explain it’s a hoax. A few even asked if we take reservations for the ‘glory hole barrel’ and seemed genuinely disappointed when I told them it’s not real, then asked if I knew any other glory hole spots.”

When The Chronicle contacted Infowars with our on-the-ground reporting that no vandalized barrels existed, Jones doubled down, claiming his sources told him the barrel is “being brought around to each Cracker Barrel location” and that “the g**s are being charged to use it.” He further alleged the profits are being funneled into “the next woke campaign: lobbying schools to show Brokeback Mountain in fifth-grade social studies classrooms.”

Cracker Barrel corporate has stated they are exploring legal action against Jones and Infowars.

08/22/2025

Man Marvels and Weeps Tears of Joy Looking Upon the Finished Route 50 Intersection

Bradley, IL - The long-awaited completion of the $13.8 million Armour Road and Bradley Boulevard intersection brought cheers from officials and relief to thousands of weary motorists. But for Daniel Philips, standing in the newly striped median, it brought him to his knees.

“This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” he said, his voice breaking as he gazed at the freshly paved lanes and orderly signals. Overcome with gratitude that the years of orange barrels and endless delays had finally ended, he gushed globs of tears one could only find in a Miyazaki movie.

“I just wish my dad were here to see this,” Philips added. “He was killed right over there last year, t-boned by a Jimmy John’s driver. Freaky fast death, at least,” Philips blubbered.

As Philips knelt on the median, he was almost hit by a car trying to connect its Apple CarPlay and, in doing so, rear-ended another vehicle.

“What was wrong with the old intersection?” Philips asked. “Does anyone know? I wish someone would—Hey, when did we get a ramen place?”

This is a paid advertisement brought to you by Hokkaido Ramen.

08/10/2025

Kankakee Considers 5% Tax on Polar Pops at Circle K

Kankakee, IL - The Kankakee City Council is considering a 5% tax on Polar Pops sold at Circle K gas stations as a way to generate additional revenue to alleviate property taxes of residents in the city.

Alderman David Baron submitted the measure for consideration on Monday.

According to Mayor Chris Curtis, the tax could generate revenue equal to roughly two-thirds of Kankakee’s total property tax collections — about $86 million. He said the tax would be collected from customers at the point of sale and would not come from Circle K’s bottom line.

Both Baron and Curtis believe the tax would incentivize private businesses and residential property owners to invest in purchasing and rehabilitating properties, helping to reduce the number of vacant houses that currently affect the city.

He believes the revenue could be significant enough to cut property taxes by two-thirds while still leaving the city with a small budget surplus.

It is estimated that Kankakee consumes enough liters of Polar Pops to equal the amount of water that flows through the hydroelectric dam every four hours.

If approved at the Aug. 25 meeting, the tax could take effect Oct. 1 at the earliest. City officials expect the highest revenue potential from Circle K locations near high-traffic areas.

07/25/2025

Kankakee Police to Use Drones at Merchant Street Festival

Kankakee, IL – This weekend, as Merchant Street Festival kicks off, audience members will have a new sight in the sky. Kankakee police will use drones to monitor the Merchant Street MusicFest, enhancing public safety by tracking crowds, traffic, and potential threats.

The Chronicle sat down and spoke with Kankakee Chief of Police, Christopher Badkid, who explained the value to the police force in using this “dope” new technology.

“With the corn sweats raising the dew points around the area to dangerous levels, the use of drone technology will free up more of our officers to sample our local food vendors at the Festival while enjoying 73-year-old Warren G belt out his hit song, Regulators,” Badkid said.

The Chronicle was granted unique access to the drone operator for a practical application demonstration. The operator, Officer Harold Fatlermeyer, showed us his skill with the drone as he bombastically exclaimed, “Here boys, hold muh beer and watch thisss!”

Uncorroborated sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, have reported seeing a mysterious drone hovering over backyard sunbathing areas frequented by stay-at-home mothers on the west side of Kankakee. While it cannot be confirmed, it has been reported that the underbelly of the aerial craft displayed the letters “KPD.”

07/23/2025

Area Shuffleboard League Descends Into Utter Mayhem As Young Parents, Perimenopausal Women, and Hipsters Battle for Biscuit Supremacy

KANKAKEE, IL — What began as a leisurely pastime for the aggressively semi-athletic has spiraled into a high-stakes, low-speed frenzy as the Riverview Shuffleboard League barrels into the final night of its regular season, with chaos, carnage, and creaky knees all but guaranteed. For those unfamiliar with the game, it involves adults no longer capable of actually competitive sports using long sticks to push discs (“biscuits”) down a paved path into a painted triangle.

Currently locked in a three-way tie for first place are Gall of the Wild, Miami Vice, and Truffle Shufflers. League Commissioner and self-described “shuffle czar” Henry Wellington maintains order in this rowdy league, stating, “As we say in the shuffleboard world, late July is when the flakiest biscuits rise to the top.” Wellington then stared into the distance for a full 47 seconds before muttering something about “the Biscuit Incident of ’22.”

Next week, on Wednesday, July 30, the league enters its two-week, double-elimination tournament. The winner will receive absolutely no prize whatsoever, but infinite local bragging rights, which in Kankakee is roughly equivalent to being a minor deity. Tournament seeding will be determined by head-to-head results or a coin toss conducted by a referee with a flexible definition of “neutrality”. Tie-breakers have already caused internal turmoil, and perhaps a divorce or two. Spectators are advised to arrive early, bring their own chairs, and leave all emotional baggage at home, as the courts have seen an uptick in “shuffle-rage” incidents. One source, who wished to remain anonymous (but was definitely someone’s dad), said, “You haven’t seen fury until a 42-year-old former all-state football player now getting his competitive release from pushing a disc with a stick slips out of first place on a bad bounce.”

Event Details: - Wednesday, July 23 & Wednesday, July 30 - Riverview Park Shuffleboard Courts, near the only patch of grass not covered in goose p**p.

6:00 pm-ish Local authorities remain on alert for post-game celebrations, which usually include lukewarm LaCroix, craft beer, and yelling at someone else’s child to stop hitting other people with sticks. The Chronicle will continue to monitor the tournament and any potential biscuit-related scandals as they unfold.

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