The Kankakee Chronicle

11/22/2025

I Was A Happily Married Father Of 3. Then I Met A Pirate Ship At Hidden Cove
By Jeffrey Lonergen

I remember the exact moment it happened — the quiet crack in my life that widened into a canyon.

The old pirate ship sat in the center of Hidden Cove Mini Golf for decades. I never gave it much thought when Diane and I brought our kids there when they were younger. I always appreciated the holes you play on it, and the kids loved it. I can’t remember it ever being in great shape — but hey, neither was I. I can still recall one of the last times we played it as a family: its faded planks and chipped paint illuminated by a single flickering bulb one summer night. I stepped onto the turf, and something shifted inside me. Its wooden hull loomed over me — steady, unyielding, certain. For the first time in years, I felt seen.

I had been married to my wife, Diane, for 22 years. We had a dependable routine, a mortgage, a chore wheel, and three loser kids. But none of that prepared me for the gravity I felt standing before the ship that night.

“Why that ship?” Diane asked later. “What does it have that I don’t?”

I didn’t have an answer. I only knew it wasn’t a choice. It simply was.

When Hidden Cove was bought out and rebranded as Adventure Church, I told myself the ship would be gone. But they had kept it — polished it, even. The ship looked renewed, almost transcendent. I knew it was time for me to look renewed. For me, for it.

I started buying kratom at the Circle K by my house. It soon developed into an addiction, but it helped me keep my calories down, and I loved the feeling of it when I worked out while listening to “Pod Save America.”

Diane said I should explore my feelings “responsibly.” I tried. I walked the course at night, tracing the outline of the hull with my fingertips, searching for clarity. But clarity only confirmed what I feared.

With my new body and outlook on life, I knew I was finally good enough for the Adventure Church pirate ship — or Noah’s Ark, as they now called it, forcing their identity on it against its will.

Our marriage ended soon after. I told the kids I had fallen for something unexpected. They cried, yelled, and called me a “f**king freak” and said they’d be bullied even more now. But they’ll understand one day, I hope. My oldest daughter called Diane a “cuck,” something Diane didn’t deserve; she has it hard enough paying me alimony.

It has been three years. I no longer hide who I am. I’ve learned that love arrives without permission, without prediction, and sometimes without a wheel to steer it.

I am banned from Adventure Church and now a registered s*x offender, but our love remains — and they don’t have anyone there at night. ;)

11/15/2025

Harris, Ten Years, And The Blunderfluff Cheers

Kankakee, IL
In the courthouse of Kankakee, on a Friday crisp and clear,
Stood Harris on the witness stand, still shaking with her fear.
She said she’d faced an awful man who’d hurt her through the years—
A tale the judge acknowledged with a solemn pair of ears.

“But Harris,” said the robed one, “you were granted full immunity!
Your voice was safe, your words were shielded—by legal opportunity!”
Yet Harris shook her head and said, “I simply will not talk!”
So the judge declared contempt and gave a ten-year prison walk.

Now off she goes to Cell Block Two, where lessons aren’t much fun,
And where she’ll meet a silly beast called a Blunderfluff-Bumrun.
The creature’s big and fuzzy with a snout that squeaks at night,
And Harris must perform its chores to keep it from a fright.

She’ll polish all its polka dots, she’ll dust its twisty tail,
She’ll sing its bedtime jingle-jams so it won’t start to wail.

Perhaps, at last, she’ll learn the Zibble-Zabble way:
No murdering over barks, or the Blunderfluff will play.

11/02/2025

10/26/2025

Partygoers Unsure If Man In ICE Uniform Is Real Or Just A Costume

Bourbonnais, IL – Devin Wright’s annual Halloween party took a tense turn Friday night when a man in a full ICE uniform walked through the door uninvited, refused to remove his face mask, and immediately began scanning the room “like he was looking for someone to drag into a van,” according to multiple guests.

“He didn’t say hi or grab a drink first, he just started eyeballing all my Hispanic friends as soon as he walked in,” Devin told The Chronicle. “At first I thought it was a messed-up costume, but then he wouldn’t give his name or badge number.” Devin said he suspects the man was his friend Kyle, but couldn’t be sure. “I’m like 70% sure it was Kyle. Same height, same build, same energy of a divorced electrician. But Kyle isn’t political—he’s just racist.”

Guests began placing bets over whether the man was a real ICE agent. The odds leaned toward “real” after he helped himself to the taco bar and complained that Cholula was “too hot,” opting instead to completely cover his food in sour cream “like someone trying to erase ethnicity from a meal.”

Guest Elia Gutierrez was unsure if the agent was hitting on her or interrogating her. “My s*xy Hamas costume definitely caught his attention,” she said. “I couldn’t tell if he wanted to deport me for being Latina or deport me for hate speech. But then we did a couple shots of Fireball and made out, so I think he was just some dude in a costume. Though he did definitely have a real gun, but who doesn’t.”

Devin now believes the man may have actually been a real agent after another guest, his friend Beau from Ontario, disappeared midway through the party. “He was here on a work visa and got drunk talking about tariffs in the kitchen,” Devin said. “He stepped outside for a smoke and never came back. The last Snap he sent was just him giving a thumbs up next to a white government van that said ‘Homeland Security.’ I’m leaning real ICE agent, which means I just won 20 bucks.”

The local police said they don’t give a s**t and won’t look into it.

10/19/2025

Old TGI Fridays Effortlessly Transforms Into Haunted House

Bradley, IL – Before LongHorn Steakhouse remodels the former TGI Fridays location, the current owners are using the vacant building for one final money grab by converting it into a haunted house for one weekend this October 24th and 25th.

Organizers say the transformation required almost no effort, as most of the disturbing atmosphere was already present from years of questionable management, health code violations, and corporate neglect. Former general manager Chet Donner, who is helping coordinate the event, said the attraction will rely on former employees acting out scenes based on their actual experiences.

Visitors will walk through areas based on real incidents from the restaurant’s past. One section will feature a kitchen scene showing unsanitary prep practices, expired produce, reused garnishes, and a dishwasher that allegedly never once passed a health inspection. The original grease traps, still intact, reportedly provide the building’s natural odor.

Another section recreates employee back of the house conversations, which include arguments over missing child support payments, on-and-off relationships between coworkers, pyramid scheme sales pitches, and emotional breakdowns triggered by double shifts. Actors will remain in character as bitter former staff, delivering lines like “We’re out of that” and “We close in 10 minutes” with authentic resentment.

Additional scenes include servers complaining about customers behind their backs, line cooks admitting which menu items routinely hit the floor before being served, and a simulated all-staff meeting featuring a prerecorded corporate message demanding higher sales despite labor cuts and broken equipment.

Tickets are $25 at the door, cash only because the card machine “isn’t working right now.”

10/12/2025

Momence Woman Shamelessly Plans to Hand Out Expired SpongeBob Gummies for Halloween

Momence, IL – The Kankakee Chronicle interviewed a Momence resident outside Berkot’s as she bragged about the great deal she got on some expired candy.

“A buck fifty for these SpongeBob SquarePants gummies? I cleared them out, of course,” gloated Ruth Verple. “I can hand these out to trick-or-treaters, and it only cost me $17.25!”

Many Momence residents are feeling the pinch of rising candy prices as inflation continues to creep up. Most of them are now without jobs following the abrupt closure of Baker and Taylor. The company joins Johnsonville and the Glister-Mary Lee chocolate factory, which also shut down in 2025.

“Well, I didn’t work at any of those places. I’ve been on disability since ’02 when I fell into the river at Island Park. I’m the reason the city doesn’t have more money to do fun things for the community,” Ms. Verple blustered as she ashed her cigarette on a passing toddler.

10/05/2025

Manteno Police Celebrate “Totally Normal” Donation Of $130,000 Rivian Squad Car That Definitely Isn’t Reporting To Beijing

Manteno, IL - In a heroic display of fiscal responsibility and mild international espionage, the Manteno Police Department proudly accepted a $130,000 Rivian electric police car donated by Gotion, the local lithium battery company currently being sued for reasons everyone’s pretending not to think about.

Trustees voted 4–2 in favor after Chief Alan Swinford confirmed, “Yes, it’s electric, and no, it hasn’t exploded yet.” The gleaming red cruiser—tastefully adorned with President Xi Jinping’s face on the side and a navigation system that politely whispers state secrets to Shanghai—will soon patrol Manteno’s peaceful streets in total compliance with the Chinese Communist Party’s terms of service.

Mayor Annette LaMore is rumored to have been gifted a Chinese “comfort boy” by the CCP, as she continues to cozy up with Gotion. Many feel she isn’t putting up the fight she promised while campaigning for mayor.

09/15/2025

Unhoused Bowling Pins Seek New Home After Red Cedar Lanes Blaze

MOMENCE, IL — A fire destroyed the long-vacant Red Cedar Lanes early Saturday, leaving dozens of bowling pins homeless and camped along Gladiolus Street. The burned alley had been their last shelter.

Online, some residents joked about how they’re glad the pins are homeless and that they “had it coming” for not giving strikes back when the alley was open. Others called the fire tragic and mourned the pins. Mayor Chuck Steele lowered the city’s flags to half-mast to honor all that the bowling alley and the pins did for the community.

The pins that worked during the Veteran Bowling League have received an outpouring of support, with most now in halfway houses and off the street. Those who mainly worked at kids’ birthday parties have received less attention, remaining on the sidewalk and struggling with drugs and despair.

Two Momence residents were witnessed on Gladiolus Street Sunday afternoon arguing about the situation. Chester Briggs said he was glad the pins were homeless, claiming, “That’s what happens when you cook your drugs with an open flame; sometimes you get burnt.” In response, Mabel Thompson called him heartless, yelling, “Just because you don’t bowl and only play co****le doesn’t mean you have to be cruel. I know you work at Circle K! I’m going to get you fired, you ******!”

As night fell, some of the burnt pins stayed on the sidewalk, silent and chipped, a stark symbol of America’s extremes and the endless moral posturing that dominates public debate.

Donations to the homeless pins are currently being collected at Berkots, including funds for shelter, polish, and better he**in.

09/07/2025

Former One-Term Mayor Chastity Wells-Armstrong Honored with East Court Street McDonald’s Dumpster

Kankakee, IL – On Tuesday, the Kankakee City Council unanimously approved the resolution. Chastity Wells-Armstrong served a single term as mayor from 2017 to 2021, before losing in a landslide to Chris Curtis.

The city has honored others in similar ways, including former Illinois Gov. George Ryan, who was recognized with a pothole near the Speedway off the 308 exit of I-57.

After leaving Kankakee, Wells-Armstrong became Maywood’s village manager. A later investigation found she intimidated staff, retaliated against employees who disagreed with her, and made racist and homophobic remarks — even threatening to punch the mayor.

Some residents have been outraged after the resolution passed, saying the dumpster doesn’t deserve this.

09/01/2025

Dips**t Gondola Ride Almost Ruins Kankakee Regatta

Kankakee, IL – This year’s Kankakee Regatta was on choppy waters, a du***ss gondola had locals lined up and caused major problems.

Run by a Hispanic man with a fake Italian accent, the slow-moving ride sparked rumors that Tucci’s Italian Restaurant’s boat colluded with it to hinder rivals.

A racer collided with the gondola, nearly killing a couple aboard, and 30 people are still unaccounted for.

Officials said the ride won’t return.

08/29/2025

Alex Jones Claims Local LGBTQ+ Activists Vandalized Barrel at Bradley Cracker Barrel

Bradley, IL – Alex Jones claimed that a glory hole was drilled into one of the decorative barrels on the porch of Bradley’s Cracker Barrel. On Thursday’s episode of Infowars, Jones said his “sources” told him that LGBTQ+ activists, enraged over the company’s decision to roll back some of its “woke” changes following backlash, were behind the alleged vandalism.

However, The Kankakee Chronicle can report firsthand that no glory hole barrel was found on the premises.

Jones spent over an hour monologuing about the supposed incident, declaring:
“First it was the chemtrails, then they tried to turn the frogs gay. Now they want to turn THE Cracker Barrel into a flippin’ glory hole??!”

Jones also claimed he “knew something was amiss” after recently finding glitter in his beloved favorite order of Uncle Herschel’s Apple Dumplin’s.

Jonathan Saulsberry, acting General Manager of the Bradley Cracker Barrel, told The Chronicle that the restaurant has received dozens of angry calls from customers, some even making death threats, from across the country, mostly Indiana.

“It’s been tough on the staff, and they’re scared to come to work,” Saulsberry said. “We’ve had some people call in with support but then turn on us, calling us fascists when I explain it’s a hoax. A few even asked if we take reservations for the ‘glory hole barrel’ and seemed genuinely disappointed when I told them it’s not real, then asked if I knew any other glory hole spots.”

When The Chronicle contacted Infowars with our on-the-ground reporting that no vandalized barrels existed, Jones doubled down, claiming his sources told him the barrel is “being brought around to each Cracker Barrel location” and that “the g**s are being charged to use it.” He further alleged the profits are being funneled into “the next woke campaign: lobbying schools to show Brokeback Mountain in fifth-grade social studies classrooms.”

Cracker Barrel corporate has stated they are exploring legal action against Jones and Infowars.