The Kankakee Chronicle

01/04/2026

Manteno Man’s New Year’s Resolution to Buy Only American-Made Comes With Its Ups and Downs

Manteno, IL – Chet Arnold has never been a man of half measures. Anything he does, he commits to 110 percent—he’s also not great at math. He has high standards, zero tolerance for excuses, and, above all else, considers himself a patriot.

That patriotism finally boiled over on New Year’s Eve.

Chet says he’s had it with buying goods made overseas. He always searches for the “Made in America” label, but more often than not ends up settling for products from China or other countries he collectively refers to as “the dark side of the globe,” largely because he’s never had a good enough reason to spin one around.

“I vowed at the bar on New Year’s Eve I wasn’t buying any crap made in a different country,” Chet told The Chronicle at his modest cabin just outside Manteno Township. “You try to support this country, but you’re forced to buy everything from China, India, and ‘Indonesia’—which sounds like the India scammers just made up a new country. I’m done. I’m supporting American manufacturing 110 percent. Hell—115 percent.”

Reaching Chet after his resolution proved difficult. He no longer owns a cellphone, noting that none are made in the United States. However, he has placed a down deposit on the Trump Mobile phone and says he’s confident it will be released “any day now.”

We eventually caught up with him walking along Route 50. His truck, he explained, had broken down. Every available replacement part was made either in Mexico or Canada.

“NAFTA has been a disaster for the American automobile industry,” Chet said. “I’m done being forced to buy a part for my Ford that’s assembled in Mexico. If Ford won’t make the ENTIRE vehicle in the continental 48 states—don’t get me started on Alaska and Hawaii—then they’ve lost a loyal customer.”

He grew increasingly animated during the ride back to his property.

Two miles north of Manteno, tucked off Route 50, sits what Chet calls his “little piece of paradise.” In an unexpectedly sprightly January landscape, he showed off what he’s managed to accomplish while purchasing exclusively American-made.

“I rely on neighbors and people in the community to help me build what I need,” he said. “I’ve got well water, a septic tank from a now-defunct company out of Louisiana, and I’m practicing regenerative sustainable forestry so I can keep expanding the cabin.”

Chet doesn’t own a TV. He doesn’t have a computer. What he does have is a newfound, borderline romantic relationship with the Manteno Public Library.

“You ever hear of this Jack Ryan guy?” he asked. “You think all that really happened?”

By consuming less in the name of patriotism, Chet says he’s gained something unexpected: clarity.

“We spend money on a lot of useless crap,” he said. “Sure, it’d be nice to have a phone again, or a truck with all-American parts, but my mind’s less cluttered, my attention spans better, and I’m in the best shape of my life.”

He paused.

“Well, not counting the summer I worked with the Gilbert and Sullivan theater in the Ozarks.”

Chet glanced toward a lone kimono hanging nearby—left over from his time playing Nanki-Poo in The Mikado—the single foreign-made possession he’s chosen to keep.

“This year’ll have its challenges,” he said, cracking open a beer, “but the most important thing is still made in America. Busch Light. The beer, the cans, the paper—American.”

He took a long gulp.

“You ever chop wood eight beers deep?” Chet asked. “It’s fun as f**k.”

He nodded to himself.

“I think I’ll have no problem at all.”

12/30/2025

Alec Fisher Is Kankakee Chronicle’s Person Of The Year

Kankakee, IL - The Kankakee Chronicle today bestowed its prestigious Person of the Year award on Dr. Alec Fisher, Riverside Healthcare’s freshly imported plastic surgeon.

“I trained at Johns Hopkins, Dartmouth, and a Level I Trauma Center where people arrive missing literal faces,” Dr. Fisher told the Chronicle. “Then I got here and realized the real trauma is aesthetic. We’re talking citizens who appear to have been sculpted by a drunk Soviet realist who only had access to lard and regret. The obesity rate isn’t a statistic; it’s a topography.”

Undaunted by the scale of the crisis, Fisher outlined his bold five-year plan: aggressive tummy tucks, aggressive neck lifts, aggressive everything-lifts. “My goal is simple,” he said, “No more averting eyes. No more children pointing and asking if that’s Shrek’s cousin. We’re going to turn Kankakee into a place where people don’t immediately assume the entire county has been cursed by a Gypsy.”

The Kankakee Chronicles would like to congratulate Dr. Fisher, and if you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you need to schedule an appointment with him.

12/22/2025

Daily Journal Considers Shooting on East Side “Breaking News”

Kankakee, IL — In what appears to be a tactic for a slow news day to pique reader interest, the Daily Journal sent followers an email alert about a “breaking news” event:

A shooting on the East Side.

Police are investigating the incident, which marked the city’s fifth homicide of the year (that we know of). According to reports, the shooting stemmed from a man attempting to break into an apartment, after which he was shot and later pronounced dead at a local hospital. We didn’t bother to figure out which one.

The alert angered many readers who had hoped for news of a new restaurant, but instead were met with more of the usual.

12/14/2025

Kankakee Segway Tours Coming In 2026

Kankakee, IL - 2026 is shaping up to be a big year for Kankakee, with two competing Segway companies set to open and offer tours around our beautiful downtown and historic riverfront.

Segway Kankakee and Kankakee Segway told the Chronicle they have received all the permits needed for their businesses. Residents can expect to start seeing them next spring, with plans to open alongside Jaenicke’s.

“It’s really exciting for us and for the community,” Doug Dornell, CEO of Segway Kankakee, told the Chronicle as he stood next to his fleet of Segway PTs. “We’ll be out every weekend showing the community and tourists the Riverview Historic District and sharing the wonderful history while we do it. Customers will meet in front of Frank Lloyd Wright’s B. Harley Bradley House, and we’ll finish off with a bite at Jaenicke’s.”

Doug’s brother, Donald Dornell, CEO of Kankakee Segway, told the Chronicle over the phone that “my brother is a con man and don’t trust his viper tongue!”

Donald Dornell would not tell the Chronicle much about Kankakee Segway’s plans, including what Segways they will operate or what specific areas they will cover, but he says he is interested in showing ALL of Kankakee.

“We need to put the off-road in Segway! You know what I mean? The tires are like really big. We can do more than go on a sidewalk around Cobb Park. I want to show people REAL Kankakee. Drug addicts, loose aggressive dogs, my parents’ old house that is now a trap house, and the mayor won’t return my calls about it!”

Both companies still need to find their tour guide, the most important role of any Segway tour, and there is one name at the top of the list this offseason.

Bill Yohnka.

The “Prince of Kankakee” knows the city’s history better than anyone, but a bidding war has started as he is the top free agent. His agent, Scoff Boras, is reportedly looking to ink a 12-year, $1.3 million deal for his star client.

However it shakes out, Kankakee residents should expect to see a lot more people gliding around town next year.

11/22/2025

I Was A Happily Married Father Of 3. Then I Met A Pirate Ship At Hidden Cove
By Jeffrey Lonergen

I remember the exact moment it happened — the quiet crack in my life that widened into a canyon.

The old pirate ship sat in the center of Hidden Cove Mini Golf for decades. I never gave it much thought when Diane and I brought our kids there when they were younger. I always appreciated the holes you play on it, and the kids loved it. I can’t remember it ever being in great shape — but hey, neither was I. I can still recall one of the last times we played it as a family: its faded planks and chipped paint illuminated by a single flickering bulb one summer night. I stepped onto the turf, and something shifted inside me. Its wooden hull loomed over me — steady, unyielding, certain. For the first time in years, I felt seen.

I had been married to my wife, Diane, for 22 years. We had a dependable routine, a mortgage, a chore wheel, and three loser kids. But none of that prepared me for the gravity I felt standing before the ship that night.

“Why that ship?” Diane asked later. “What does it have that I don’t?”

I didn’t have an answer. I only knew it wasn’t a choice. It simply was.

When Hidden Cove was bought out and rebranded as Adventure Church, I told myself the ship would be gone. But they had kept it — polished it, even. The ship looked renewed, almost transcendent. I knew it was time for me to look renewed. For me, for it.

I started buying kratom at the Circle K by my house. It soon developed into an addiction, but it helped me keep my calories down, and I loved the feeling of it when I worked out while listening to “Pod Save America.”

Diane said I should explore my feelings “responsibly.” I tried. I walked the course at night, tracing the outline of the hull with my fingertips, searching for clarity. But clarity only confirmed what I feared.

With my new body and outlook on life, I knew I was finally good enough for the Adventure Church pirate ship — or Noah’s Ark, as they now called it, forcing their identity on it against its will.

Our marriage ended soon after. I told the kids I had fallen for something unexpected. They cried, yelled, and called me a “f**king freak” and said they’d be bullied even more now. But they’ll understand one day, I hope. My oldest daughter called Diane a “cuck,” something Diane didn’t deserve; she has it hard enough paying me alimony.

It has been three years. I no longer hide who I am. I’ve learned that love arrives without permission, without prediction, and sometimes without a wheel to steer it.

I am banned from Adventure Church and now a registered s*x offender, but our love remains — and they don’t have anyone there at night. ;)

11/15/2025

Harris, Ten Years, And The Blunderfluff Cheers

Kankakee, IL
In the courthouse of Kankakee, on a Friday crisp and clear,
Stood Harris on the witness stand, still shaking with her fear.
She said she’d faced an awful man who’d hurt her through the years—
A tale the judge acknowledged with a solemn pair of ears.

“But Harris,” said the robed one, “you were granted full immunity!
Your voice was safe, your words were shielded—by legal opportunity!”
Yet Harris shook her head and said, “I simply will not talk!”
So the judge declared contempt and gave a ten-year prison walk.

Now off she goes to Cell Block Two, where lessons aren’t much fun,
And where she’ll meet a silly beast called a Blunderfluff-Bumrun.
The creature’s big and fuzzy with a snout that squeaks at night,
And Harris must perform its chores to keep it from a fright.

She’ll polish all its polka dots, she’ll dust its twisty tail,
She’ll sing its bedtime jingle-jams so it won’t start to wail.

Perhaps, at last, she’ll learn the Zibble-Zabble way:
No murdering over barks, or the Blunderfluff will play.

11/02/2025

10/26/2025

Partygoers Unsure If Man In ICE Uniform Is Real Or Just A Costume

Bourbonnais, IL – Devin Wright’s annual Halloween party took a tense turn Friday night when a man in a full ICE uniform walked through the door uninvited, refused to remove his face mask, and immediately began scanning the room “like he was looking for someone to drag into a van,” according to multiple guests.

“He didn’t say hi or grab a drink first, he just started eyeballing all my Hispanic friends as soon as he walked in,” Devin told The Chronicle. “At first I thought it was a messed-up costume, but then he wouldn’t give his name or badge number.” Devin said he suspects the man was his friend Kyle, but couldn’t be sure. “I’m like 70% sure it was Kyle. Same height, same build, same energy of a divorced electrician. But Kyle isn’t political—he’s just racist.”

Guests began placing bets over whether the man was a real ICE agent. The odds leaned toward “real” after he helped himself to the taco bar and complained that Cholula was “too hot,” opting instead to completely cover his food in sour cream “like someone trying to erase ethnicity from a meal.”

Guest Elia Gutierrez was unsure if the agent was hitting on her or interrogating her. “My s*xy Hamas costume definitely caught his attention,” she said. “I couldn’t tell if he wanted to deport me for being Latina or deport me for hate speech. But then we did a couple shots of Fireball and made out, so I think he was just some dude in a costume. Though he did definitely have a real gun, but who doesn’t.”

Devin now believes the man may have actually been a real agent after another guest, his friend Beau from Ontario, disappeared midway through the party. “He was here on a work visa and got drunk talking about tariffs in the kitchen,” Devin said. “He stepped outside for a smoke and never came back. The last Snap he sent was just him giving a thumbs up next to a white government van that said ‘Homeland Security.’ I’m leaning real ICE agent, which means I just won 20 bucks.”

The local police said they don’t give a s**t and won’t look into it.

10/19/2025

Old TGI Fridays Effortlessly Transforms Into Haunted House

Bradley, IL – Before LongHorn Steakhouse remodels the former TGI Fridays location, the current owners are using the vacant building for one final money grab by converting it into a haunted house for one weekend this October 24th and 25th.

Organizers say the transformation required almost no effort, as most of the disturbing atmosphere was already present from years of questionable management, health code violations, and corporate neglect. Former general manager Chet Donner, who is helping coordinate the event, said the attraction will rely on former employees acting out scenes based on their actual experiences.

Visitors will walk through areas based on real incidents from the restaurant’s past. One section will feature a kitchen scene showing unsanitary prep practices, expired produce, reused garnishes, and a dishwasher that allegedly never once passed a health inspection. The original grease traps, still intact, reportedly provide the building’s natural odor.

Another section recreates employee back of the house conversations, which include arguments over missing child support payments, on-and-off relationships between coworkers, pyramid scheme sales pitches, and emotional breakdowns triggered by double shifts. Actors will remain in character as bitter former staff, delivering lines like “We’re out of that” and “We close in 10 minutes” with authentic resentment.

Additional scenes include servers complaining about customers behind their backs, line cooks admitting which menu items routinely hit the floor before being served, and a simulated all-staff meeting featuring a prerecorded corporate message demanding higher sales despite labor cuts and broken equipment.

Tickets are $25 at the door, cash only because the card machine “isn’t working right now.”

10/12/2025

Momence Woman Shamelessly Plans to Hand Out Expired SpongeBob Gummies for Halloween

Momence, IL – The Kankakee Chronicle interviewed a Momence resident outside Berkot’s as she bragged about the great deal she got on some expired candy.

“A buck fifty for these SpongeBob SquarePants gummies? I cleared them out, of course,” gloated Ruth Verple. “I can hand these out to trick-or-treaters, and it only cost me $17.25!”

Many Momence residents are feeling the pinch of rising candy prices as inflation continues to creep up. Most of them are now without jobs following the abrupt closure of Baker and Taylor. The company joins Johnsonville and the Glister-Mary Lee chocolate factory, which also shut down in 2025.

“Well, I didn’t work at any of those places. I’ve been on disability since ’02 when I fell into the river at Island Park. I’m the reason the city doesn’t have more money to do fun things for the community,” Ms. Verple blustered as she ashed her cigarette on a passing toddler.

10/05/2025

Manteno Police Celebrate “Totally Normal” Donation Of $130,000 Rivian Squad Car That Definitely Isn’t Reporting To Beijing

Manteno, IL - In a heroic display of fiscal responsibility and mild international espionage, the Manteno Police Department proudly accepted a $130,000 Rivian electric police car donated by Gotion, the local lithium battery company currently being sued for reasons everyone’s pretending not to think about.

Trustees voted 4–2 in favor after Chief Alan Swinford confirmed, “Yes, it’s electric, and no, it hasn’t exploded yet.” The gleaming red cruiser—tastefully adorned with President Xi Jinping’s face on the side and a navigation system that politely whispers state secrets to Shanghai—will soon patrol Manteno’s peaceful streets in total compliance with the Chinese Communist Party’s terms of service.

Mayor Annette LaMore is rumored to have been gifted a Chinese “comfort boy” by the CCP, as she continues to cozy up with Gotion. Many feel she isn’t putting up the fight she promised while campaigning for mayor.