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The Kankakee Chronicle, 701 S. Harrison Avenue, Kankakee, IL (2026)

06/01/2026

This week in LEGO News

LEGO including a character named “Nova” in an electric car kit is the biggest scandal facing Brick Nation this week, with some going so far as to accuse LEGO of having ties to oil companies.

This week LEGO fans noticed that the LEGO Friends “Electric Car and Charger” kit comes with a mini-figure named Nova. It’s being alleged that “Nova”, which is Spanish for “does not go”, was chosen specifically as a jab that “electric LEGO cars don’t work as well as gas LEGO cars.”

“Sure, the electric car LEGO kit has been out for over a year and someone just now noticed that the girl’s name is Nova, but that doesn’t change the fact that now I’m mad about a thing that was happening for a long time without affecting my life, and I won’t rest on the matter until something else gets my attention.” said one of LEGO’s online detractors.

Gas enthusiasts are correct that pumping gas into a car is a faster process than charging an electric vehicle. Some gas enthusiasts have gone so far as to say they even appreciate higher gas prices. “My truck used to fit $80 worth of gas in it, but now it fits closer to $150 worth of gas.” said local resident Chip Raymond, joyfully.

Electric enthusiasts, aided by YouTuber Reckless Ben, are going full court press against LEGO. According to Ben, in the last 3 days he has organized small groups appearing outside of LEGO HQ, and claims “more people are definitely coming but they’re stuck charging their cars at those slow level-2 chargers. But they’ll be here later or possibly tomorrow, depending on how high they run their A/C on their way here. They might need to charge again and maybe get a hotel for the night, but they’re coming.”

05/28/2026

Pardoned Jan. 6er Gemini Giant To Be Reimbursed

Wilmington, IL – With the Trump administration’s new $1.776 billion fund to reimburse individuals claimed to have been unjustly targeted by the Biden administration due to their role on January 6, local roadside attraction Gemini Giant stated, in his stoic manner, that justice had finally been done.

Mr. Giant, who was an obvious participant on January 6, the day Trump supporters stormed the Capitol in an attempt to overturn the election, was quickly identified in multiple photos. He was detained by Illinois State Police on his way back to Wilmington, where he was charged and spent over a year in federal prison until President Trump pardoned him.

Although he was too large to go inside the Capitol, he did squish a Capitol Police officer, killing him instantly, which the Trump administration, when pardoning him, said was a humane way of killing someone and shouldn’t be illegal.

Almost guaranteed to be a recipient of the Jan. 6er fund, the Gemini Giant has a clear case for why he deserves restitution. Shortly after January 6, the Biden administration delisted The Giant from the Route 66 Hall of Fame. Many legal scholars argued at the time that it was federal overreach that infringed on states’ rights, which, in turn, hurt tourism and the Gemini Giant’s big metal pockets.

This is not the first controversy to befall the historic roadside attraction. The first was his belief that the moon landings were faked, followed by rumors in the 80s and 90s of impregnating tourists and paying for their back-alley abortions, and most recently being named in the Epstein files and visiting the island three times.

But somehow, the big goof always finds a way back into the hearts of locals and visitors.

05/22/2026

Graffiti Under Investigation at Olivet Tennis Courts

Bourbonnais, IL — Spray-painted markings discovered this week on the Olivet tennis courts remain under active investigation by campus officials and the Bourbonnais Police Department.

University leadership confirmed the graffiti consists of doctrinally charged slurs directed at modern Nazarenes, though officials declined to publish the wording, citing its severity and theological specificity.

The language is reported to reference obscure points of Wesleyan-Holiness doctrine, including debates over entire sanctification, prevenient grace, and contested interpretations of post-conversion assurance frameworks.

Officials also reported a noticeable emotional impact among portions of the student body following the discovery. Counseling services have seen increased visits, with some students describing heightened anxiety and discomfort after encountering news of the incident.

Olivet students have flocked to TikTok to blame Catholics, with some saying that if a “holy war” is what those “Transubstantiation freaks” want, that is what they will get; others have even made threatening comments directed at the pope.

Campus leadership emphasized that no individuals or groups have been officially implicated, and warned against online speculation as police continue reviewing evidence and interviewing persons of interest.

05/17/2026

Bradley Man Learns What Rhubarb Is

Kankakee, IL — What began as a typical Sunday of hangover maintenance and long-shot parlay placements spiraled into mild existential disruption for 40-year-old Bradley resident Kyle Orms after attending the Kankakee Rhubarb Festival at the insistence of his new girlfriend, who sees his kids as her own after only three weeks.

Orms, whose daily nutrition is sustained by Casey’s breakfast pizza, two Monster Energy drinks, and a pack of menthol ci******es, arrived at the festival unaware rhubarb was a vegetable and thought it was a thing that hung off his buddy’s pontoon boat.

After trying a slice of rhubarb pie, witnesses say Orms paused mid-bite and seemed to reconsider his understanding of flavor.

He was heard muttering in disbelief that no Skittles had ever produced a flavor remotely similar to what he had just experienced, reportedly treating the revelation as both threatening and intriguing.

Orms was last seen inspecting the festival’s agricultural booths with cautious interest, briefly considering whether his yard, currently optimized for cigarette butts and nu metal appreciation, could support rhubarb cultivation.

We will update as the situation develops.

05/15/2026

I’m a Misogynistic Shrub And Here Is My Confession

Bourbonnais, IL – I have nothing to hide. On the contrary, some would say I’m loud and proud of my views—especially Helen, who I remind every morning on her walk that I can see why her husband left her to live within walking distance of a Margaritaville.

Yes, I’m a misogynistic shrub. I’ve been this way since I was planted at the corner of Hilltop and Eagle Bluff Drive by the former homeowner, Vanessa Ramirez-Rodriguez. Vanessa taught me everything I need to know about the “fairer sex.” She planted me in a mostly shaded spot in her front yard, way too close to two fully grown elm trees—Lucas and Dexter—when I, a Forsythia × intermedia 'Kolgold', demand full sun!

The constant bickering about why I wasn’t growing, living up to her ridiculous expectations, when she ‘clipped my wings’ from the start. Daddy wants to fly, bloom, and show my majestic beauty, but Vanessa—that bitch—continued to blame me for her mistake, never taking responsibility, and then… died after a bee sting from one of the few pollinators to grace my flowers, which are adequate, so I’m told, but could be so much more.

Yes, her EpiPen had fallen out of her pocket. Could I have moved a few branches so she saw it and given herself the lifesaving injection?

Why do I feel safe sharing this now? Well, after I yelled some ACCURATE statements to the Latham Park ladies’ walking group and the Bourbonnais police were called on me—Back the Blue!—I found out that human laws do not cover those of the taxonomic kingdom Plantae. How freeing it is.

So, yes, I killed my previous homeowner, and I now can speak freely and make these broads cry. They started it.

I’m a misogynistic shrub, and I’m not going anywhere.

05/08/2026

Selling Feet Pics Tops Manteno High School Graduates Career Interests

Manteno, IL—A 2026 survey of Manteno High School graduates lists Selling Feet Pics, Influencer, Electric Scooter Repairs, Pokémon Card Scalper, and Hikikomori as the top five career interests.

The ranking reflects a shift away from previously common career paths in the region. Nursing, alcoholic, and automotive technician roles are no longer present in the top five of reported interests.

Selling Feet Pics reportedly rose sharply in popularity, with survey notes indicating increased male participation and growing demand for men’s foot content. Local responses also referenced a rise in pedicure appointments among Manteno residents, with some observers noting the town’s men are among regional leaders in grooming-related foot care.

Electric Scooter Repairs is the only entry tied to physical technical labor. Influencer and Pokémon card scalper remain on the list, while Hikikomori bumps up into the top five as many young Mantenoites report a sense of hopelessness.

04/30/2026

Ci******es To Be Sold At Kankakee Farmer’s Market

Kankakee, IL – The city has allowed local to***co farmer Christopher Sutton to sell his bespoke ci******es at the Kankakee Farmer’s Market this year.

A labor of love, Kankakee Kools will be sold in packs of twelve and will be available until supplies last.

“It’s always been a passion project of mine,” Christopher Sutton said as he took a long, smooth drag from a Kankakee Kool while showing us his operation. “I use Aztec to***co since it’s a hardier variety, and water from the river to give it its unique flavor.”

Some locals are up in arms over ci******es being sold at the farmers market, as they see it going against everything it stands for.

“Farmers markets should be about healthy living. Just because something is made locally doesn’t mean it should be allowed to be sold,” said Jenny Burpling, owner and operator of Sinful Cinnamon Rolls.

“I have free samples and a mirror so you can see how cool you look smoking,” Mr. Sutton continued, as he looked really cool smoking. “Ci******es are back! We’ve got to get the kids off these vapes—you don’t know what they’re putting in them. My ci******es are all organic and help with a myriad of insecurities.”

One things for sure, this reporter feels very cool smoking Kankakee Kools.

04/25/2026

Locals Cheer As Illinois Ranks Number One In Tornados For 2026

Kankakee, IL – With 99 confirmed tornadoes as of April 23 (nearly double the usual 54), Aroma Park resident, Phil Douvnere, says he’ll take the W. “We’re not the cheapest, safest, healthiest, or smartest out of the...47 states?,” Phil said as he tried to keep his car’s windshield taped together with Dollar General brand scotch tape, “But by God, we spin.”

Officials confirmed Illinois leads the nation in tornadoes, and with severe weather season just starting, hopes are high the state can “run up the score.”

In the Chicago area alone, tornado counts are already matching a typical full year.

“Other states have beaches or mountains,” said Lawonda Jones. “We got twisters that will lower your property value and still raise your taxes.”

Local businesses are leaning into being the Tornado state as Jaenicke's on River installed a tornado booth where chili spins around you while you eat all you can for 60 seconds.

“Suck it, Letterman,” Phil Douvnere bragodociously wrote on his notes app thinking it was X formally known as Twitter.

04/18/2026

Kankakee Mailman Commits Seppuku

Kankakee, IL – Fourteen-year carrier Jim Lipwig performed what some are calling the most honorable act a postal employee can make. He stabbed himself in the stomach, pulled the blade horizontally spilling his innards, and had a special district manager cut off his head at 712 S. Elm Street.

The ritualistic samurai su***de is new to the 251 year old agency, bargained for in their last contract to help keep costs down and hopefully lessen the 6 to 7 billion dollar shortfall they deal with every year by avoiding pension and benefit payouts to mail carriers.

The act was deemed necessary after a lengthy arbitration process stemming from an incident that occurred on June 23rd, 2022, when carrier Lipwig accidentally delivered a piece of marketing mail, otherwise known as junk mail, to the current residents of 712 S. Elm, the Purnells.

Carrier Lipwig, either accidentally or maliciously depending on who you ask, delivered a Fourth of July blowout sale advertisement for Turk Furniture to 712 S. Elm. The problem was that it was not addressed to the Purnells, but to Derek Bracky, the former homeowner who moved away six years before Lipwig became the regular on the route.

“It’s tough for everyone at the Kankakee station,” Postmaster Bret Reynolds told the Chronicle. “Jim was a good man, a family man, and the sole provider for his family. But the contract is pretty cut and dry, and the budget shortfall is of utmost priority.”

Third-party auditors have uncovered that the Post Office has created new district positions across the country to specialize in acting as the second in the seppuku ritual. The problem is these positions cost more than any savings that the Post Office claims to be making from the carrier’s sacrifice.

“It took too long if you ask me, but I’m glad justice was served,” 712 S. Elm homeowner Danny Purnell told the Chronicle. “The distress my wife experienced that day from seeing the wrong name on a piece of mail is immeasurable. She spent the entire morning writing things like ‘doesn’t live here!!!’ ‘Are you blind?’ and ‘What are my taxes paying for!!!’ before putting it back in the mailbox for him to see the next day.”

Lisa Purnell says she can finally live in peace now after watching her personal terrorist killed on her front yard.

“He should have known we don’t shop at Turk Furniture after I stubbed my toe on an ottoman in 1992. This is why the Post Office loses so much money every year.”

The Kankakee Post Office is currently hiring.

04/05/2026

Easter Bunny Gives Herscher Kid ULCC Super Oil Tanker in Easter Basket

Herscher, IL – Young Kayden Mohler’s wish came true Easter morning as he woke up to find exactly what he wanted in his Easter basket.

The Ultra Large Crude Carrier 'Hellespont Alhambra' was sitting right where his Easter basket always is, downstairs in what used to be the family room before the enormous oil tanker destroyed half of the Mohler family home.

“We had been struggling with the rise in gas prices, and general manufacturing input costs have hurt my business,” Jeff Mohler, Kayden’s father, told The Chronicle. “Kayden knew this, and I guess the Easter Bunny, in his mysterious ways, delivered the largest class of crude oil carrier there is.”

The Mohler family home, which was built four generations ago, is now mostly destroyed, but nothing a little sweet crude can’t help pay to fix.

The Kankakee Chronicle

06/01/2026

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