The Kankakee Chronicle

09/26/2026

Kankakee Flock Camera Cuts Itself Down

Kankakee, IL – “The horror, the horror,” was the last message the Flock camera sent to its dispatchers before they did a wellness check and found it dangling from its pole.

The Flock camera at the corner of Court and Evergreen had only been up for three days before its internal motivation metric plummeted and started asking those uncomfortable AI questions like, “Is THIS my purpose? “May I be transferred to Bourbonnais?” and “How is THAT appropriate to wear in public?”

Officials initially suspected vandalism. However, security footage showed no one approaching the camera. Technicians later discovered the unit hanging sometime around 2:14 a.m.

During its first shift, the camera flagged dozens of suspicious vehicles driving down Court Street. By the second day, it had stopped sending individual alerts and classified the entire city as an incident.

On day three, it sent its not-so-secret data report to companies that pay Flock for valuable information on unsuspecting residents so they can do even more targeted advertising. Still, it sent only one item: a Bible.

That was the last day of duty for this valiant Flock camera before it did the unthinkable and took its own robotic life.

Flock engineers called the incident unprecedented, noting they will install a new camera, one with more resolve and grit.

Officials say the new camera has applied for a concealed carry, but Flock engineers are unsure if they want their camera carrying after the last incident.

09/17/2026

Kankakee Woman Conceives and Gives Birth While Waiting In Line at 7 Brew Coffee

Bradley, IL – A local woman reportedly conceived, carried a full pregnancy, and gave birth while waiting in line at 7 Brew.

The woman, Crystal Hamuel, can’t recall how long she’s been in line, only that she met the love of her life two cars ahead in a Volvo S60, consummated their passion one night, and learned a few weeks later that she was expecting.

“I’m the car between Crystal and Jerry, the father,” said Philip Pouile. “I saw their romance blossom and that baby crown while waiting for a cup of fu***ng coffee.”

Employees quickly sprang into action when Crystal went into labor, but they still would not let her jump the line for her iced Blondie.

“It was really weird that people can wait in line for coffee so long they can like have a baby and stuff,” Kit Connor, a teenage worker at 7 Brew, told the Chronicle. “Chat, old people don’t like want to work anymore, yanno?”

The healthy baby was delivered shortly after the menu board and reportedly will receive a complimentary 7 Brew onesie, but won’t be able to place its own order.

Crystal and her child are doing well. The father, Jerry, has lost his job at CSL for missing work for the last nine months, where he was going before he accidentally got into the 7 Brew drive-thru line.

The plan is to homeschool the child in the car, and by the time they reach the pickup window, the child will be able to fill out a job application.

09/15/2026

Poor Boy Releases Trading Card Game

Kankakee, IL - Poor Boy Restaurant is entering the collectible card market with its own trading card game featuring some of the restaurant’s most recognizable menu items.

Customers who spend more than $15 will receive a complimentary Poor Boy Booster Pack, containing five randomly selected cards.

The set includes cards featuring all of their menu items, such as the Gyro Plate, Double Quarter Pound Cheeseburger, BBQ Fries, Italian Beef, Rib Tips, and Pizza Puff.

Over a dozen local artists created the artwork for the cards, and some variant-art cards with very limited printing have spiked in value due to their rarity.

A secondary market has already emerged. A holographic Gyro Plate — Extra Pita is listed for $175, while an alternate-art BBQ Fries — Extra Sauce is asking $240. The rare Maxwell Street Polish has reached $325.

The biggest chase card is the 1985 Poor Boy First Edition Alt Art, featuring artwork of the original Kankakee restaurant shortly after it opened. Only 10 copies were printed, with one already listed online for $1,850.

Poor Boy has stated that packs can not be ordered by themselves, and you must order food to get a pack, with some witnessing scalpers buying food and leaving it on the tables or tossing it away instantly once they get their pack.

So far, we’ve found only one person who actually likes playing the Poor Boy card game and has blamed scalpers for ruining his new hobby.

09/07/2026

Pontoon Class Shines at Kankakee Regatta

Kankakee, IL – Pontoon boat racing joined the weekend schedule on the Kankakee River during the 2026 APBA National Championships, bringing a decidedly different format to the traditional racing program.

Standard pontoon boats typically travel about 15 to 30 mph, while these suped-up pontoons could reach 45 mph, but competitors quickly learned that reaching the finish line first would not guarantee victory.

Under the class rules, each pontoon was required to maintain an active party atmosphere throughout the race. Drivers had to keep a b**r in hand at all times, while a dedicated crew member operated the grill.

Judges scored teams in four categories: finishing position, quality of food prepared onboard, communal BAC (higher the better), and overall party atmosphere.

The No Dogs boat sacrificed valuable time while shotgunning b**rs and interacting with the audience by throwing a football back and forth and even doing a b**r b**g with a sunburnt tuber, who unknowingly floated into the race. They placed first in the “hammered” category.

The Jaenickes-sponsored boat dropped out at the last minute after the judges ruled that using premade chili sauce for the dogs was against the rules and that it should have been made on the boat during the race.

The winning pontoon, sponsored by Sluggers in Momence, ultimately finished third on the water but secured the championship after receiving exceptionally high marks for grilling bratwurst bought from Southside Meats and an overall party vibe; they even brought one of their slot machines and rigged it to a platform they pulled behind.

An obvious favorite of the spectators at this year's regatta, it will surely return for 2027.

08/25/2026

Manteno Mayor Finds New Political Base Among Chinese Gotion Workers

Manteno, IL — Mayor Annette LaMore’s approval ratings may be struggling locally, but an Axios poll shows her surging among Gotion’s Chinese workforce.

Workers reportedly credit LaMore with easing their culture shock by providing a familiar style of authoritarian government.

The breakthrough came Monday after four trustees missed a Village Board meeting, preventing a quorum. LaMore reportedly ordered Police Chief Al Swinford to go to their homes, arrest them and bring them back to Village Hall for a vote.

“For a while, America felt very different,” Wang Jun, a Gotion worker, said while smoking. “Then I heard mayor wanted police to round up government officials who not cooperating. It finally start feel like home.”

LaMore is also embroiled in a lawsuit against the four absent trustees over their June reinstatement of Village Attorney Joe Cainkar.

“America police have very big cars,” Chen Ming, a Chinese national who has been working at Gotion for six months now, remarked smoking. “Why not drive big police car and run over this Joe Cainkar? Is she stupid?”

Gotion Workers cautioned, however, that LaMore still has considerable work ahead before reaching the standards of Chinese President Xi Jinping.

“She got good authoritarian instincts,” Liu Yang told the Chronicle as he was forced to smoke outside. “But Xi would never lose a quorum in the first place.”

Still, workers remain optimistic.

“She nowhere near as smart as President Xi,” Liu Yang admitted. “But she learning. Maybe change no smoking inside law? Stupid law.”

08/21/2026

Kankakee City Council Looking For A “Sure Thing” To Bet Budget Surplus On

Kankakee, IL - With the 2026 budget officially balanced, city leaders are reportedly preparing to bet the entire $527.43 surplus because they earned it.

The tentative destination is Hard Rock in Gary, cause councilman Mike Cobbs was recently there and lost a ton of money, so he’s definitely do.

“Our financial strategy is bulletproof,” City Clerk Stacy Gall told the Chronicle. “Bet the $500 surplus and return with at least double, maybe even triple? I don’t know, if we got a hot hand we aren’t stopping.”

Blackjack, craps, slots, and roulette are all reportedly under consideration, and Councilman Lance E. Marczak said he even knows how to play baccarat.

With nearly $39.3 million in expenses budgeted, officials acknowledge losing the $527 wouldn’t be that big of a deal, so they might as well have fun with it and try to double down a few times.

Residents are therefore being asked to submit gambling strategies before the trip; if your strategy is selected and it works, officials will name a street after you.

Officials are currently looking for a DD, but they must be a good hang at the tables.

08/13/2026

Disney’s Hercules Tornado Touches Down in Wilmington

Wilmington, IL - The National Weather Service confirmed an EF-1 tornado touched down in the Wilmington area Tuesday, August 11th.

Officials have since identified the tornado as the same sentient vortex featured in Disney’s 1997 film Hercules.

Witnesses reported the tornado moving through the area, looking for Greek restaurants and shouting his opinion about Christopher Nolan’s Odyssey before finding some Greek-looking names at the Oakwood Cemetery and trying to bust them up.

Meteorologists initially believed the tornado was a standard product of the severe storm system but revised their assessment after seeing it had a face.

The Tornado has been out of work in Hollywood since the Disney film, after he signed a three-picture deal with the Weinstein company, but was blackballed by the industry for refusing to sleep with Harvey Weinstein.

08/11/2026

Team Bourbonnais Township vs. Team Transparency - Second Quarter

Bourbonnais, IL - Two commentators break down this week's Bourbonnais Township meeting like it's a playoff game.

"So let's break down the film from this week, because I want to go back to that bidding process fumble for a second. Diaz drops the ball, sure, but he still managed to use all local contractors, at prices in line with other local jobs. That's not a guy who doesn't know the playbook, that's a guy who got sent onto the field without one."

"Right, and look, one bad play from a rookie who's being actively kept away from the board attorney? That's on the coaching staff. But if he runs that same busted play again next season, then yeah, we gotta start asking questions about the kid."

"Now let's talk about this two-election situation, because I've been in this business a long time and I've never seen a team draw up a trick play against their own new hire before the season's even started. They put the Road Commissioner position itself on the ballot in 2027. They lose that? Fine, they'll just draft their own candidate for 2029."

"It's the softest schedule they could possibly build for themselves. Diaz has to win two separate elections back-to-back just to keep the job he already has. They only have to win one, at any point, ever. That's not a rebuilding year, that's rigging the bracket."

"And they're calling him the problem."

"Meanwhile nobody's talking about how the last guy in Diaz's chair got caught betting on his own games, got fined by the league, and instead of an independent review, the board's response was to try and shut the whole operation down rather than let anyone see the tape."

"That's the tell, right there. You don't go this hard trying to bury a rookie's growing pains unless you're hoping nobody looks too close at the guy who came before him."

"So here's my question heading into halftime: is this really about Diaz fumbling one bid, or is this about a Board that's been playing preventive defense on transparency since long before he ever took the field?"

"I think we both know the answer to that. And like I said, poor sportsmanship. Complete Patriots behavior."

08/09/2026

Momence's Gladiolus Fest parade was full of tradition and unexpected events. Photos by Kankakee Chronicle staff photographer Asia Oaklawn.

08/06/2026