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The Kankakee Chronicle, 701 S. Harrison Avenue, Kankakee, IL (2026)

06/13/2026

High School Athletes Sue The Daily Journal Over Terrible Photos

Kankakee, IL - A coalition of Kankakee County high school athletes filed a class-action lawsuit this week against the Daily Journal, alleging years of “reputational damage and irreversible group chat humiliation” caused by the paper’s relentlessly unflattering sports photos.

The suit, filed Monday, cites hundreds of published images depicting student-athletes mid-blink, making them look Asian, mid-sneeze, also making them look Asian, and the Asian students said their photos made them look bloated like Irish Catholics.

“I hit for the cycle,” said Wilmington shortstop Jake M., “and they chose the one frame where I look like I have down syndrome...and Asian.”

Parents have also joined the lawsuit, claiming the photos have cost their children scholarship opportunities and, in some cases, their inheritance.

A Daily Journal photographer anonymously told the Chronicle, “If I knew how to take photos with Manual mode, I would, but there’s like a buttload of buttons, and they don’t pay me a lot.”

At press time, the paper had published a follow-up image of the plaintiffs exiting the courthouse, all blinking simultaneously and looking Asian.

06/07/2026

Fans Of Buckcherry Exhaust County’s Co***ne Supply After 315 Fest

Bradley, IL – Officials are working overtime to maintain adequate co***ne levels after Buckcherry fans depleted the county's supply during a weekend of heavy partying.

To address the shortage, Bradley’s Co***ne Commissioner Rob Romo released a statement assuring local users that part of the city’s co***ne reserves has been released, aiming to help both weekend warriors and addicts avoid resorting to violent crime.

Buckcherry is known for their hard partying persona, even though frontman Josh Todd has been sober since 1995.

Some critics of Mayor Michael Watson and his 315 commission argue that failing to account for the band’s fan base led to this situation, leaving the city’s reputation at risk.

Officials are considering raising property taxes to restore co***ne reserves.

06/05/2026

On The Rox Barfly Is Magically Transported Into Slot Machine

Kankakee, IL – Jax Perry has been trapped inside a slot machine since Tuesday at OTR, and payouts have never been better.

After ordering a beer and feeding several twenty-dollar bills into the machine, Jax noticed a glowing voucher resting on top of it. The voucher appeared to contain a small amount of money, so he inserted it into the machine and pressed “spin.” At that moment, the rest of the bar’s patrons watched in shock as Jax’s body fragmented into pixels, flattened, and was suddenly pulled into the slot machine.

“Everyone froze and looked at one another. Jax had completely disappeared,” On The Rox bartender Makailey told the Chronicle. “Jax always loved Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over, so at first we thought he might enjoy the experience—but then the screaming started.”

As of this publication, Jax remains trapped inside the machine. Representatives from J&J Gaming have stated that they are actively working to resolve the situation.

J&J Gaming has reportedly warned patrons that continued use of the machine could worsen the situation. However, that warning has done little to discourage players, as the machine has been paying out at an unusually high rate.

“I have no idea what he is doing in there, but I am up $300 over the last couple of days,” said local patron Terry Trunchable. “The trick is finding Jax if you want to win. He always shows up in a game with an attractive woman. I found him in Heidi’s BierHaus. Even before all of this happened, he had a thing for her.”

More recently, witnesses report that Jax has grown quieter and appears to be adapting to his circumstances. Patrons claim that he is now in a serious relationship with Heidi and wish him the best—so long as the payouts continue.

06/01/2026

This week in LEGO News

LEGO including a character named “Nova” in an electric car kit is the biggest scandal facing Brick Nation this week, with some going so far as to accuse LEGO of having ties to oil companies.

This week LEGO fans noticed that the LEGO Friends “Electric Car and Charger” kit comes with a mini-figure named Nova. It’s being alleged that “Nova”, which is Spanish for “does not go”, was chosen specifically as a jab that “electric LEGO cars don’t work as well as gas LEGO cars.”

“Sure, the electric car LEGO kit has been out for over a year and someone just now noticed that the girl’s name is Nova, but that doesn’t change the fact that now I’m mad about a thing that was happening for a long time without affecting my life, and I won’t rest on the matter until something else gets my attention.” said one of LEGO’s online detractors.

Gas enthusiasts are correct that pumping gas into a car is a faster process than charging an electric vehicle. Some gas enthusiasts have gone so far as to say they even appreciate higher gas prices. “My truck used to fit $80 worth of gas in it, but now it fits closer to $150 worth of gas.” said local resident Chip Raymond, joyfully.

Electric enthusiasts, aided by YouTuber Reckless Ben, are going full court press against LEGO. According to Ben, in the last 3 days he has organized small groups appearing outside of LEGO HQ, and claims “more people are definitely coming but they’re stuck charging their cars at those slow level-2 chargers. But they’ll be here later or possibly tomorrow, depending on how high they run their A/C on their way here. They might need to charge again and maybe get a hotel for the night, but they’re coming.”

05/28/2026

Pardoned Jan. 6er Gemini Giant To Be Reimbursed

Wilmington, IL – With the Trump administration’s new $1.776 billion fund to reimburse individuals claimed to have been unjustly targeted by the Biden administration due to their role on January 6, local roadside attraction Gemini Giant stated, in his stoic manner, that justice had finally been done.

Mr. Giant, who was an obvious participant on January 6, the day Trump supporters stormed the Capitol in an attempt to overturn the election, was quickly identified in multiple photos. He was detained by Illinois State Police on his way back to Wilmington, where he was charged and spent over a year in federal prison until President Trump pardoned him.

Although he was too large to go inside the Capitol, he did squish a Capitol Police officer, killing him instantly, which the Trump administration, when pardoning him, said was a humane way of killing someone and shouldn’t be illegal.

Almost guaranteed to be a recipient of the Jan. 6er fund, the Gemini Giant has a clear case for why he deserves restitution. Shortly after January 6, the Biden administration delisted The Giant from the Route 66 Hall of Fame. Many legal scholars argued at the time that it was federal overreach that infringed on states’ rights, which, in turn, hurt tourism and the Gemini Giant’s big metal pockets.

This is not the first controversy to befall the historic roadside attraction. The first was his belief that the moon landings were faked, followed by rumors in the 80s and 90s of impregnating tourists and paying for their back-alley abortions, and most recently being named in the Epstein files and visiting the island three times.

But somehow, the big goof always finds a way back into the hearts of locals and visitors.

05/22/2026

Graffiti Under Investigation at Olivet Tennis Courts

Bourbonnais, IL — Spray-painted markings discovered this week on the Olivet tennis courts remain under active investigation by campus officials and the Bourbonnais Police Department.

University leadership confirmed the graffiti consists of doctrinally charged slurs directed at modern Nazarenes, though officials declined to publish the wording, citing its severity and theological specificity.

The language is reported to reference obscure points of Wesleyan-Holiness doctrine, including debates over entire sanctification, prevenient grace, and contested interpretations of post-conversion assurance frameworks.

Officials also reported a noticeable emotional impact among portions of the student body following the discovery. Counseling services have seen increased visits, with some students describing heightened anxiety and discomfort after encountering news of the incident.

Olivet students have flocked to TikTok to blame Catholics, with some saying that if a “holy war” is what those “Transubstantiation freaks” want, that is what they will get; others have even made threatening comments directed at the pope.

Campus leadership emphasized that no individuals or groups have been officially implicated, and warned against online speculation as police continue reviewing evidence and interviewing persons of interest.

05/17/2026

Bradley Man Learns What Rhubarb Is

Kankakee, IL — What began as a typical Sunday of hangover maintenance and long-shot parlay placements spiraled into mild existential disruption for 40-year-old Bradley resident Kyle Orms after attending the Kankakee Rhubarb Festival at the insistence of his new girlfriend, who sees his kids as her own after only three weeks.

Orms, whose daily nutrition is sustained by Casey’s breakfast pizza, two Monster Energy drinks, and a pack of menthol ci******es, arrived at the festival unaware rhubarb was a vegetable and thought it was a thing that hung off his buddy’s pontoon boat.

After trying a slice of rhubarb pie, witnesses say Orms paused mid-bite and seemed to reconsider his understanding of flavor.

He was heard muttering in disbelief that no Skittles had ever produced a flavor remotely similar to what he had just experienced, reportedly treating the revelation as both threatening and intriguing.

Orms was last seen inspecting the festival’s agricultural booths with cautious interest, briefly considering whether his yard, currently optimized for cigarette butts and nu metal appreciation, could support rhubarb cultivation.

We will update as the situation develops.

05/15/2026

I’m a Misogynistic Shrub And Here Is My Confession

Bourbonnais, IL – I have nothing to hide. On the contrary, some would say I’m loud and proud of my views—especially Helen, who I remind every morning on her walk that I can see why her husband left her to live within walking distance of a Margaritaville.

Yes, I’m a misogynistic shrub. I’ve been this way since I was planted at the corner of Hilltop and Eagle Bluff Drive by the former homeowner, Vanessa Ramirez-Rodriguez. Vanessa taught me everything I need to know about the “fairer sex.” She planted me in a mostly shaded spot in her front yard, way too close to two fully grown elm trees—Lucas and Dexter—when I, a Forsythia × intermedia 'Kolgold', demand full sun!

The constant bickering about why I wasn’t growing, living up to her ridiculous expectations, when she ‘clipped my wings’ from the start. Daddy wants to fly, bloom, and show my majestic beauty, but Vanessa—that bitch—continued to blame me for her mistake, never taking responsibility, and then… died after a bee sting from one of the few pollinators to grace my flowers, which are adequate, so I’m told, but could be so much more.

Yes, her EpiPen had fallen out of her pocket. Could I have moved a few branches so she saw it and given herself the lifesaving injection?

Why do I feel safe sharing this now? Well, after I yelled some ACCURATE statements to the Latham Park ladies’ walking group and the Bourbonnais police were called on me—Back the Blue!—I found out that human laws do not cover those of the taxonomic kingdom Plantae. How freeing it is.

So, yes, I killed my previous homeowner, and I now can speak freely and make these broads cry. They started it.

I’m a misogynistic shrub, and I’m not going anywhere.

05/08/2026

Selling Feet Pics Tops Manteno High School Graduates Career Interests

Manteno, IL—A 2026 survey of Manteno High School graduates lists Selling Feet Pics, Influencer, Electric Scooter Repairs, Pokémon Card Scalper, and Hikikomori as the top five career interests.

The ranking reflects a shift away from previously common career paths in the region. Nursing, alcoholic, and automotive technician roles are no longer present in the top five of reported interests.

Selling Feet Pics reportedly rose sharply in popularity, with survey notes indicating increased male participation and growing demand for men’s foot content. Local responses also referenced a rise in pedicure appointments among Manteno residents, with some observers noting the town’s men are among regional leaders in grooming-related foot care.

Electric Scooter Repairs is the only entry tied to physical technical labor. Influencer and Pokémon card scalper remain on the list, while Hikikomori bumps up into the top five as many young Mantenoites report a sense of hopelessness.

04/30/2026

Ci******es To Be Sold At Kankakee Farmer’s Market

Kankakee, IL – The city has allowed local to***co farmer Christopher Sutton to sell his bespoke ci******es at the Kankakee Farmer’s Market this year.

A labor of love, Kankakee Kools will be sold in packs of twelve and will be available until supplies last.

“It’s always been a passion project of mine,” Christopher Sutton said as he took a long, smooth drag from a Kankakee Kool while showing us his operation. “I use Aztec to***co since it’s a hardier variety, and water from the river to give it its unique flavor.”

Some locals are up in arms over ci******es being sold at the farmers market, as they see it going against everything it stands for.

“Farmers markets should be about healthy living. Just because something is made locally doesn’t mean it should be allowed to be sold,” said Jenny Burpling, owner and operator of Sinful Cinnamon Rolls.

“I have free samples and a mirror so you can see how cool you look smoking,” Mr. Sutton continued, as he looked really cool smoking. “Ci******es are back! We’ve got to get the kids off these vapes—you don’t know what they’re putting in them. My ci******es are all organic and help with a myriad of insecurities.”

One things for sure, this reporter feels very cool smoking Kankakee Kools.

The Kankakee Chronicle

06/13/2026

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