The Real DOSS FERRY chronicle

01/19/2025

McDonald's yall gotta do better. What is this? A McStall?

01/19/2025

We just gonna eat the pizza like this or starve. I refuse to cut a perfectly good pepperoni!

01/19/2025

01/19/2025

BREAKING: The first morning without TikTok has sparked nationwide chaos as Americans under 30 are now forced to figure out what to do with their hands. Reports of people doing the Renegade in Target parking lots, scrolling their camera rolls like it's a substitute, and asking strangers to rate their outfits '1-10' are flooding in.

Emergency therapists are on standby, but they're fully booked by influencers wondering how to keep their followers updated on the Target haul they just bought with a credit card their mom pays for.

Stay strong, America. It's only Day 1. Who knows? You might discover hobbies… or even books.

01/19/2025

Parents become Grandparents and lose their sense.

All the sudden they got McDonald’s money now!!
WTF

01/17/2025

He refused to let me help him order his food because he's a "big boy". Now his a% # is sitting in the back mad as hell with his egg on a hotdog bun with jalapeños and black olives for breakfast. He gone learn today!

01/17/2025

The Real Doss Ferry Chronicle Partners with City of Morris to Save TikTok, Citing "Cheer Mom Power"

In a shocking turn of events that no one in Washington could have predicted, The Real DOSS FERRY chronicle has partnered with the City of Morris to purchase TikTok, rescuing the app from impending doom. With the City Government of Kimberly Alabama reportedly declining involvement (citing "enough drama already"), Morris stepped up as the unexpected hero in this unlikely alliance.

“The people of Morris know the value of keeping America entertained, one dance challenge at a time,” said a Chronicle spokesperson during a press conference held outside the concession stand at Morris Youth Association. “When Kimberly said no, we knew Morris would see the bigger picture—and by bigger picture, we mean 15-second cheer videos in slow motion.”

The Morris Youth Association, which governs everything from youth football to concession stand nacho quality, has thrown its full support behind the deal. “Cheer moms alone will keep TikTok profitable for years to come,” said a MYA representative. “Between their halftime routines, Starbucks-fueled rants, and competitive sideline choreography, they’re basically TikTok’s target demographic. Honestly, we’re surprised they weren’t listed as stakeholders already.”

What's Next for TikTok Under New Ownership
The Chronicle-Morris partnership promises exciting updates to TikTok, blending the platform's addictive nature with local flair:

Cheer Squad Challenges: Forget the "Wednesday Dance." The "Sideline Shimmy Showdown" will dominate TikTok feeds this fall, featuring cheer moms and their perfectly coordinated tumbles...and occasional ankle sprains.
Morris Filters and Stickers: Users can now overlay their videos with Morris-inspired graphics, like a “MYA Approved” stamp, animated pom-poms, and the iconic "No Outside Food or Drinks" sign from the football field.
HOA Mini-Dramas: TikTok will feature exclusive series based on neighborhood disputes. The pilot episode, "Trash Can Wars: Kimberly vs. Morris Edition," premieres next week.
Local officials are optimistic about the venture. “This partnership shows the innovative spirit of Morris,” said a city spokesperson. “We didn’t know much about TikTok before this, but now we’re convinced it’s just like an HOA meeting but with better lighting and more filters.”

Kimberly's Missed Opportunity
The City of Kimberly declined involvement in the venture, reportedly stating that "we have enough chaos with trying to ban fireworks and Halloween traffic." However, insiders suggest Kimberly may secretly regret the decision, as TikTok's new North Jefferson County-based headquarters will now bring economic benefits exclusively to Morris.

Cheer Moms: The Backbone of TikTok’s Future
Financial analysts are taking note of the venture’s surprisingly strong business case. “The cheer moms of Morris Youth Association alone could keep TikTok afloat,” said one market expert. “Their passion for choreography, relentless posting, and ability to turn every event into a viral moment is the kind of energy most apps dream of harnessing.”

TikTok users nationwide are already buzzing about the changes. “I don’t know where Morris is,” said one TikToker from Los Angeles, “but their cheer moms are wild. I just saw a video of one leading a dance while balancing a toddler on her hip and holding a glittery poster board. I’m inspired.”

A New Era for TikTok
The Chronicle promises that the heart of TikTok will remain the same but with a local twist. “Whether you’re here for the dances, the drama, or just to see if your neighbor’s HOA fines made it onto someone’s story, we’ve got you covered,” said the Chronicle in its official statement.

With the deal finalized, TikTok’s new slogan has already been unveiled: "TikTok: Where Cheer Moms, Food Trucks, and Drama Meet on the Dance Floor!"

As for the future, it’s bright for Morris, TikTok, and the cheer moms who are already uploading their victory routines to celebrate saving America’s favorite app.

01/17/2025

University of Alabama Announces Walk-On Tryouts, Facebook Football Experts Prepare for Their Moment

TUSCALOOSA, AL—In a groundbreaking move that has Sunday Morning Quarterbacks everywhere dusting off their old cleats, University of Alabama head coach Kalen DeBoer has officially invited fans who think they’re smarter than the entire coaching staff to put their money where their mouth is. The announcement of open walk-on tryouts has sent shockwaves through Tide Nation, particularly among Facebook commenters who have been critiquing game plans since the Nick Saban era.

“We’re looking for raw talent, unparalleled football IQ, and, ideally, someone who spends less time posting memes about play-calling and more time actually running sprints,” DeBoer said at a press conference. “And no, watching 12 hours of ESPN per week doesn’t count as game film.”

Social Media Celebrates the Call-Up
The news has electrified the keyboard coaching community, with thousands of self-proclaimed football geniuses ready to prove why they’ve always been the real secret to Alabama’s success. “Finally, a chance to show what I’ve been saying since 2009—that Bama doesn’t need a fancy offense, just a guy like me calling the shots,” said Roy “The Strategist” Watkins, a 41-year-old dad whose glory days peaked in a backyard turkey bowl. “Coach DeBoer better be ready to take notes.”

Tryout Details
To participate, hopefuls must be full-time students at UA enrolled in at least 12 credit hours, but Coach DeBoer hinted that a few extra qualifications might help:

A TikTok breakdown of "What I Would Have Called on 3rd-and-10."
An official complaint lodged on Twitter about clock management during the Saban years.
A detailed PowerPoint titled "Why I Deserve a Scholarship: The Case for Me, Chad."
Former head coach Nick Saban, widely regarded as the greatest of all time, commented on the frenzy from his new retirement retreat. “I’d love to see them explain ‘run-pass option’ to a real linebacker,” he quipped. “I built a dynasty on discipline, but I’m sure Kalen will love coaching guys who think Madden skills translate to real football.”

The Hank Crisp Indoor Facility Braces for Chaos
The Hank Crisp Indoor Facility is preparing for a record turnout, with over 5,000 hopefuls expected. The group includes Jim from Gardendale, who claims he’s “basically AJ McCarron without the arm,” and Kyle from Warrior, who says his superior field vision has been honed during countless hours at Buffalo Wild Wings.

Emergency services are reportedly on standby for what experts predict will be a tsunami of pulled hamstrings, awkward 40-yard dash attempts, and excuses like, “I slipped, that’s not my real time.”

Local Reactions
Some fans are thrilled about the idea of putting loudmouthed armchair quarterbacks on the field. “It’s poetic justice,” said senior Sarah Monroe. “Every guy who’s ever yelled, ‘Run the dang ball!’ at the TV is about to get pancaked by a defensive lineman.”

Others are more skeptical. “Look, I respect DeBoer, but if my Uncle Larry waddles onto that field in his New Balance sneakers, this program’s gonna need a Hail Mary,” said junior wide receiver Jake Turner.

DeBoer’s Parting Words
Coach DeBoer offered some final encouragement to those considering tryouts: “If you’ve got what it takes, show us. But just a heads-up—posting memes about Bill O’Brien and calling yourself a football genius won’t help you when it’s 3rd-and-long and we’ve got a blitz coming.”

Tryouts will be held Tuesday, January 21, at 6:00 p.m. at the Hank Crisp Indoor Facility. Whether DeBoer discovers a diamond in the rough or just gets free entertainment, one thing is certain: Twitter’s football experts are about to meet reality—and it’s wearing shoulder pads.

01/17/2025

Alabama Declares State of Emergency Ahead of Second Snowfall: "We Weren’t Built for This!"

Gardendale, AL — As temperatures plummet and James Spann warns of a potential second snowfall for the state in 2025 (and it’s only January 17th), Alabama residents are already preparing for what experts are calling “Snowmageddon II: The Reckoning.”

Governor Kay Ivey has preemptively declared a state of emergency, stating in a press conference, "We don’t like it, we’re not prepared for it, and we’d really appreciate it if this snow just skipped Alabama altogether. We’re fine with sending it over to Georgia."

Bread and Milk Crisis Escalates
Reports of bread and milk shortages have flooded social media. Local Walmarts are experiencing scenes reminiscent of Black Friday, with Alabama moms scrapping in the dairy aisle. “I ain’t even like milk,” said Warior resident Jolene Banks, “but you bet your sweet biscuits I’m not letting Karen over there get the last gallon!”

Aldi stores across the state have implemented a one-loaf-per-family policy, while Dollar General has officially stopped restocking, saying, “Y’all don’t even eat this stuff. Just calm down.”

Sled Shortages in Full Swing
Unprepared for yet another snowstorm, Alabamians have resorted to unconventional sledding equipment. The hot ticket items include upside-down kiddie pools, laundry baskets, and Styrofoam coolers. An unnamed man in Cullman was seen duct-taping his mother-in-law’s ironing board to the top of a four-wheeler, declaring it “the ultimate redneck bobsled.”

Local stores are already out of stock on WD-40, as citizens frantically grease up trash can lids for maximum sledding velocity.

Schools Close “Just in Case”
Every school district within 100 miles of Birmingham has already canceled classes through next Thursday, with some administrators admitting they just don’t feel like dealing with the chaos. "I saw a flurry this morning," said Principal Earl Watkins of Mount Olive Middle School. "That’s all the proof I need. Y’all stay home."

Meanwhile, North Alabama schools have opted for a “wait-and-see” approach, claiming they’ll “make the call” at 4:30 AM Tuesday after everyone’s already woken up.

Churches Begin Emergency Prayer Chains
Congregations across Alabama are banding together in prayer, asking the Lord to spare them from having to drive on snow-packed roads. Pastor Ricky Gene of the First Baptist Church of Pinson has called for an emergency potluck and vigil, reminding everyone to “bring your best casserole, because we might be snowed in for hours.”

James Spann: "Don't Blame Me, I'm Just the Messenger"
Beloved meteorologist James Spann issued his latest forecast in what experts are calling “The Calm Before the Panic.” Spann, wearing his signature suspenders, urged Alabamians to remain calm while simultaneously posting detailed weather maps that looked like something out of a war movie.

“Significant snow is possible,” Spann announced. “Please, for the love of all things holy, do NOT send me pictures of dustings on patio furniture. Also, I will not respond to DMs asking if it will snow at your house.”

Local Government Promises “Swift Action”
City officials across Alabama have promised to have the state's one snowplow operational by Tuesday morning. “We’ve got the salt truck gassed up and ready to roll,” said Blount County Public Works Director Hank Jones, gesturing to a 1993 F-150 loaded with a kiddie pool full of Morton’s table salt. “We’ll hit the main roads and pray for the rest.”

In Fultondale, authorities are planning to combat icy roads by tossing cat litter out of the back of a moving truck. “It ain’t perfect,” said one city worker, “but it sure beats staying at home with my mother-in-law another day.”

Southern Panic Reaches New Highs
With temperatures set to dip below freezing for up to five days, Alabamians are already reminiscing about warmer times. "I miss complaining about the heat," said Hayden resident Billy Ray Johnson. "I'd rather be sweatin’ through my shirt in July than scraping ice off my windshield in January."

As the snow looms, one thing remains certain: Alabama will once again prove it is entirely unequipped for winter. But don’t worry, y’all—we’ll see you on Facebook Marketplace Wednesday morning, selling your slightly used snow boots for $5.

01/15/2025

I love how the first thing they do at the doctor’s office is weigh you. I was already nervous. Now I’m depressed. Maybe they can bring up something’s from my past that I regret and really get this party started…

01/12/2025

Some of y’all need to hear this:
Stop avoiding your banking app. Go look at what you’ve done!

01/11/2025

I hate people that sleep late. I can’t. I be up at 7 am sharp ready to have a BBQ in the back yard or something.

01/11/2025

Y’all be careful it’s slicker than Diddy’s bedroom floor out there.

01/10/2025

Never forget where you came from. Stay humble y’all!!

01/10/2025

1 Kid is 1 Kid
2 Kids is 5 Kids
3 Kids is 8,234 kids a Tornado and a Donkey

01/08/2025

Donald J. Trump Unveils Bold New Map: Gulf of America, East and West American Oceans while Trumpanada, and Snow-a-Lago Now Official Territories

In a stunning display of geopolitical ambition, former President Donald Trump has unveiled a new world map featuring the “Gulf of Mexico” renamed to the “Gulf of America,” the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans as “East American Ocean” and “West American Ocean,” respectively, and two bold new additions to the United States: Trumpanada (formerly Canada) and Snow-a-Lago (previously known as Greenland).

The map, presented during a press conference at Mar-a-Lago, was emblazoned with the slogan, “America: Bigly and Better Than Ever.” Trump explained his vision for the rebranding:

“Look, folks, we’ve been calling it the Gulf of Mexico for too long, okay? Mexico’s not even paying rent on it. It’s OUR gulf now. Gulf of America—it’s beautiful, it’s classy, it’s us. And don’t get me started on those oceans. Why are we naming them after directions like amateurs? East American Ocean, West American Ocean—simple, powerful. Everyone’s saying it already.”

Trumpanada: America’s New Hat
Trump also announced that Canada, long regarded as the friendly neighbor to the north, would henceforth be known as Trumpanada.

“Canada is like America’s hat, but a boring hat. Like one of those floppy ones you’d wear to Whole Foods. Under my leadership, it’s going to be a MAGA cowboy hat. We’ll take their maple syrup, their hockey, and make it GREAT. Believe me, Canadians are excited—they don’t want to be Canadians anymore. They’re practically begging me to take over. I’m already designing the new flag: it’s a maple leaf, but gold-plated.”

When pressed about whether Canada had consented to this merger, Trump waved off concerns:

“Canada loves me, okay? Justin Trudeau—nice guy, weak handshake—he’s been texting me all week. He’s ready to retire and hand me the keys. I told him he can run the Tim Hortons franchise in Trumpanada if he behaves.”

Snow-a-Lago: The Chillest New State
The map also showcased Snow-a-Lago, formerly Greenland, a name Trump insisted reflects its “yuge potential” as a future luxury destination:

“Greenland isn’t green, folks. That's FAKE NEWS. But Snow-a-Lago? Now THAT’S a brand. We’re talking the best ice resorts, gold snowmobiles, and maybe even some polar bear golf caddies. The Danes didn’t want to sell it before, but with a name like Snow-a-Lago, they’ll be lining up to hand it over.”

When asked about the practicality of acquiring Greenland, Trump responded:

“Look, the Danes are lovely people, but they’re small potatoes. I offered them a deal: we’ll throw in unlimited McDonald’s franchises and two years of free Disney+ for every citizen. Who could say no to that? Plus, Greenland’s not even close to Denmark—it’s practically in our backyard. It’s manifest destiny, folks.”

Reactions From Around the World
Global leaders were quick to react. Justin Trudeau reportedly fainted upon hearing the news, while Denmark’s Prime Minister issued a statement simply reading, “What?”

Meanwhile, Mexico’s President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador quipped, “If the U.S. is taking the Gulf, can we have California?” Trump Responds, "Maybe".

Even Americans are divided over the new map. Florida man Joe “Freedom” Stevens declared, “Finally, we’re taking back what’s ours! I always knew the Atlantic Ocean was American at heart.”

On Twitter (now rebranded as "Trumpet"), Elon Musk posted:

“Renaming oceans is next-level galaxy brain. Bravo, Trump.”

Trump’s Final Word
As the conference concluded, Trump hinted at even grander plans:

“This is just the beginning. Next, we’re taking Antarctica. We’ll call it South Snow-a-Lago. And the moon? It’s gonna be called Trumposphere. Space Force is already working on it. America is winning again—bigly!”

Critics may scoff, but one thing’s for certain: this map will sell millions of copies in every Cracker Barrel across the nation.

01/08/2025

Gentle parenting is for kids that are gentle. My son acts like Johnny Knoxville!