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Swan City Chronicle, 100 W. Main Street, Lakeland, FL (2025)

03/05/2025

Florida Department of Transportation Announced Pipkin Road Construction Will Take Approximately 3 More Years.

In an announcement today by the Florida Department of Transportation, spokesman Arthur Flatbush explained the update to the scope of work and why the project will be taking much longer than previously planned. Flatbush explained the construction company accidentally put the road 3 feet to the south of where it was supposed to be. Therefore, extensive work will need to be done to removed the existing work that has been completed, and then completely rebuilt 3 feet further north.

When asked about the cost of the project, Flatbush explained the initial cost of the project was slated to be $30 Million but quickly expanded to $55 Million when construction crews figured out they could charge for overtime. Now, the cost to remove the work that has been done will cost approximately $25 Million, and the cost to rebuild the road again in the right place will bring the total for the project close to $110 Million.

When asked if anyone would be held accountable for the project failures, Flatbush stated “Of course not, this is the government, we don’t do that here.”

10/08/2024

City of Lakeland to provide free ratchet straps to homeless in face of Hurricane Milton.

October 8, 2024

Lakeland, FL - The City of Lakeland announced today that they would be providing ratchet straps from several locations in the city for the city's homeless to help protect themselves during Hurricane Milton. A City of Lakeland spokesman announced the program during a press conference at City Hall. "We are expecting historic winds to come through our area, and with not enough shelter space for the city's homeless population, we decided to start this program to help protect this vulnerable population. this will allow the homeless to strap themselves to a stout tree or other fixed object to ride out the storm."

The details of the program were explained as follows: "We will have several vans roaming throughout the city offering ratchet straps to the homeless. The ratchet strap will come with a guide informing the homeless on what types of trees work best to strap yourself to so you have the best chance of not being blown away."

Skeptical reporters questioned why the city didn't just open more shelter space. The response was, "Look, we just spent a ton of money on buying custom tuxedos and gowns for a dozen of the Lake Morton swans so we could have a Bridgerton-themed calendar photo shoot, and that money came out of our emergency response budget. Being strapped to a tree is probably better than nothing."

The city said to look for white vans with "Ratchet Straps" on a green posterboard taped to the side of them to get your Ratchet Strap.

03/21/2024

Community Action Group demands Lakeland rename the Dixieland neighborhood.

March 21st, 2024

Lakeland, FL - A community action group known as Make Lakeland like California (MLC) have forwarded demands today that the City of Lakeland rename the Dixieland Neighborhood.

"Dixieland was named for the Dixie states ... The Dixie states seceded from the Union because they wanted to continue the inhumane institution of slavery." MLC wrote in their letter.

Most commonly, it's associated with the old South and Confederate states. Dixie was considered the land south of the Mason-Dixon line, where slavery was legal, writes Tammy Ingram, a history professor at College of Charleston in South Carolina.

But once the term was used in a minstrel song, its correlation with racist ideologies became crystal clear, according to Ingram. "Most historians would agree that Dixie is a word people understand as obviously a reference not just to a place, but a certain kind of ideology," said Ingram.

The MLC group has turned in a petition signed by thousands of US citizens from around the country demanding the City of Lakeland change the name of this neighborhood. The group suggested the neighborhood be renamed Mulvaneyville after Dylan Mulvaney, a trans icon and leader in the social justice movement for the rights of the LBGTQ+ community.

"With this effort," MLC writes, "The City of Lakeland can make all of us Californians and New Yorkers feel welcome as we flood the area. The road diet was a good start to help slow down traffic and make us feel like we are back in our congested urban cities, but we need more."

Lakeland's mayor was unavailable for comment.

12/29/2023

Amid budget crisis, City of Lakeland allows officers and firefighters to accept tips to make up for lower salaries.

December 29, 2023, Lakeland, FL - The City of Lakeland announced what is sure to be a controversial new policy this week. Amid growing budget concerns and stagnating employee salaries, the City of Lakeland will now allow certain public safety employees, such as Police and Fire Service personnel, to accept tips from citizens who feel the service they have provided is worth extra recognition.

While explaining this new measure at a press conference Lakeland's Mayor provided details on the system. "These select personnel will be provided with Square credit card devices and will present them to the citizens they are having contact with to allow them to provide a tip at the end of the encounter."

"If you get pulled over and feel the police officer provided excellent service and helped protect everyone's safety, you can throw them a quick 10% before they take off." The Mayor explained. "If you feel the fire rescue paramedic did a great job doing CPR on your diabetic uncle, you can give them a fiver. It just works out well for everyone."

"We can't really give these folks decent raises because of inflation." The Mayor said. "But we feel this is a good compromise. This will allow those personnel offering great service to be compensated directly by the citizens they are helping and take some of the strain off the tax rolls. They will make more money and are more likely to continue to work here, and we can continue to underpay them."

Members of the press in attendance at the press conference were skeptical, with many asking questions about how this could lead to increased corruption. The Mayor, however, dismissed these concerns and said, "We didn't think through every aspect of this, but I am sure it will be fine."

The Square devices will begin being utilized by city personnel on January 1st.

12/14/2023

City of Lakeland Closes Proud Gator Shop.

December 13, 2023 - Lakeland, FL. The Proud Gator clothing and sportswear store has been a landmark on South Florida Avenue for nearly 30 years. However, after a decision by Lakeland's Mayor, that will all change.

Lakeland's Mayor announced Wednesday that the store would be closed immediately. When asked for an explanation, the Mayor stated, "We don't allow false advertising in the City of Lakeland, and quite frankly, we find it rather difficult to believe anyone is proud of a 3-5 conference record."

"We offered them the ability to change their name to something more believable." The Mayor continued. "They could try Underwhelming Gator or Maybe Next Year, but we won't allow them to stand by a lie. We might consider using more positive terminology if they can get above a 50% win rate for a season, but for now, we just can't let it slide."

10/04/2023

Greedy and Corrupt Politicians demand an end to comparisons with the Lakeland Commission.

October 4th, 2023

Lakeland - In a news conference held today at the Lakeland Center, the Coalition for Greedy and Corrupt Politicians made a statement regarding frequent allegations Lakeland City Commissioners belong amongst their ranks.

State Representative Dick Bartlett of Sarasota gave a statement for the aligned state representatives, congresspersons, and appointees. "We are tired of constantly being brought into conversations about the Lakeland City Commission being greedy and corrupt. We want to clarify that the Coalition of Greedy and Corrupt Politicians has standards, and there is no way the Lakeland Commissioners could meet them."

"Everyone knows we would sell our votes and our integrity for money, but the Lakeland City Commission takes that to a whole new level. Some of them would kick their mother off life support if someone promised to put in a Jamba Juice franchise downtown."

Representative Bartlett then went on to detail several incidents, including shady deals with Lakeland Regional Hospital and under-the-table raise agreements for senior city officials to point out the contrasts. "Even the most corrupt politician in our ranks wouldn't think about giving their lacky a 35% raise and seriously try to get everyone to believe it's because the Lakeland City Manager works just as hard as counterparts in Tampa and Orlando."

"Some things are just unconscionable." Bartlett stated as he concluded his statement.

When asked for comment, Lakeland's mayor simply asked who might be willing to put a Jamba Juice in and began calling his mother's doctor.

04/24/2023

CSX Develops Artificial Intelligence System to Increase Traffic Wait Times

April 24th, 2023

Lakeland - The CSX Corporation, based in Jacksonville, Florida, made a special announcement today regarding the future of railway routing systems at the Winston Rail Yard in Lakeland, Florida.

CSX CEO Joey Hinrichs met with the press and industry leaders at today's event to explain the groundbreaking project being deployed right here in Lakeland. Hinrichs stated, "We understand the conflict between thriving cities and our booming rail industry. Sometimes, our partner communities feel helpless when our trains cross critical routes through the city, leaving no way to travel around freely."

"Therefore," Hinrichs continued, "We have developed a next-generation artificial intelligence system that will continually analyze traffic and behavioral characteristics of the surrounding communities and help us deploy our trains to cause the largest headaches."

"You know how we sometimes stop across a road and sit for 30 minutes for no reason? Sometimes we pick the wrong road crossing to do this, and we only inconvenience like 20 people. This system can use cutting-edge technology and machine learning to create gridlock for hundreds of people by picking the right crossings to block every time."

"I know railroads don't seem like something to get excited about, but we are really excited about this change. For us in the railroad industry, we see the joy isn't just making boatloads of money but in also the anger we see in the faces of everyone stopped while we play pinball in the machine we put in one of the cars. We have our drinks and laugh at you sitting in your car, banging on the steering wheel, incompetent to do anything about it. Then, just as we see you turn around, we start moving again."

"Community members sometimes ask why we would do such a thing? The answer is simple because we can. We know we have paid off your members of Congress to do whatever we want, and the local city is powerless against us, so you are completely at our mercy. What are you going to do?"

Hinrichs further went on to detail how lucky the City of Lakeland was to be the test bed for this new system. "You guys will love listening to your screaming kids while you sit in our train-imposed gridlock."

03/06/2023

The City of Lakeland Closes Florida Avenue Out Of Spite.

March 6th, 2023

Lakeland - In a press briefing today, the City of Lakeland announced that instead of the planned partial closure of Florida Avenue at Main Street to fix a sewer line, they would be completely closing the roadway for several days.

When asked about the change, the mayor stated, "Look, we could spin some BS about the State Department of Transportation requesting the change to improve worker safety or some crap, or we can level with you. With all the complaints about the road diet, we figured we would take the road away until people are grateful we allow them to have a road at all."

"If you don't like the road diet," he continued, "maybe you can try the road starvation. Then, maybe after you have fought the horde of old people near Grasslands when you have to take Harden and Sikes to get around downtown, you will be a little more appreciative of what we give you."

After making this statement, the mayor left the podium, saying, "May the odds be in your favor." without taking any questions.

02/09/2023

Ukrainian President Zelensky visits Lakeland; sheds tears at crumbling infrastructure, pledges aid.

February 9th, 2023

Lakeland, FL - In an official state visit to the United States to speak about requests for aid for his country's defense against Russian aggression, Volodymyr Zelensky stopped in Lakeland for a few hours on his tour.

When stepping out of his vehicle, Zelensky was in awe. "look at this!" he said through his translator. "Look at how they live! They can't even afford more than two lanes on the main road through their city!" While downtown, Zelensky seemed shocked, saying "This is the park at the center of their city and it is overrun by the homeless!"

Later, on a vehicle tour of the highlights of the area, Zelensky broke down in tears on Combee Road. "Never could I have imagined people living in such squalor. The Ukrainian people will put together a generous financial aid package to help the people of Lakeland lift themselves up out of this situation! We will come together to help build your roads and fix your crumbling buildings."

02/04/2023

Lakeland Police Encourage Citizens Not Shoot Chinese Spy Balloons

2/4/2023

Lakeland, FL - In a press release, the Lakeland Police Department has attempted to address a disturbing trend seen in the city of people shooting fi****ms at what they suspect are Chinese spy balloons.

LPD is currently reporting over 60 incidents of people shooting at what they think are spy balloons in the sky. This has led to the death of 3 sandhill cranes and one white egret, as well as damage to two Cessna airplanes, an Amazon cargo aircraft, and an LPD surveillance drone.

The Lakeland Police Department would like to re-iterate to the people of Lakeland that there is no evidence of a Chinese spy balloon anywhere near Florida, and shooting into the air is dangerous and illegal. We encourage citizens to call in with anything they see that may be suspicious and not just shoot at it.

When asked for comment, Lakeland's Mayor said, "Eh, what are you gonna do? This is Polk County."

01/11/2023

The Lakeland City Commission judged a chili cook-off just before last week's commission meeting. The Lakeland Fire Department responded after several audience members felt light headed from the fumes, but no serious injury was reported.

Swan City Chronicle

03/05/2025

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