The Ded Horse

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05/28/2026

On Tuesday Morning a visibly shaking Secretary of War announced the deployment of the nation’s most decorated crossing guards to the Strait of Hormuz, where officials say the missing pieces of these very successful peace talks may just be a firm hand and a reflective vest.
The 25-member team, drawn from elite crosswalk programs across the country and led by 34-year veteran Gwen Harrison of Bettendorf, IA, will be tasked with mediating right-of-way disputes between competing naval fleets, and ensuring no “incidents of international consequence” emerge during any of the major leaders lunchtime or recess, according to a Pentagon briefing document reviewed by The Ded Horse.
When pushed for questions Hegseth repeatedly dry heaved, flicked off a random woman walking past the briefing room, and then muttered “Momma never trusted me alone with crossing guard Tom, let’s see how strong the ayatollah is against him.”

05/22/2026

As Stephen Colbert's 'Late Show' came to an end last night, 'Comics Unleashed' host Byron Allen could be seen celebrating at his Los Angeles house bedroom.

"Finally! My dream came true! I finally got the coveted 11:35 PM weeknight time slot!" he wrote in his day journal.

"Now, our only issue is getting people to actually watch it." he mused, laying in bed on his stomach with his feet waving in the air. "Given that our comics are very much leashed, we're going to have to rely on people accidentally tuning in to our show to get any ratings!"

He continued, licking his thumb to get a hold of the next page, "Viewers are used to watching this show after midnight when they come home from excessive drinking and realize they left the TV on. We need to TAP into that market."

Furrowing his brow, he passionately pressed pen to paper once more: "We need people to believe my job is MORE than just setting up hacky comedians to tell mild mannered quips. The problem is getting everyone else to believe that lie"

For all the news fit to beat, follow for more and visit thededhorse.com

05/14/2026

Suns out, put the GUNS AWAY PEOPLE. GEEZ.

05/11/2026

New gerrymandering in the state has allowed for Republican lawmakers to wrangle in two new districts, Israel and Saudi Arabia.

"We're hoping this arrangement will appease everyone involved. America has been their allies for a long enough time, so why not just admit them into the union under the pretense they'll consistently vote red?" said Virginia Senator Ryan T. McDougle.

Critics have called this move unconventional but when pressed McDougle exploded "Then I guess the Louisiana Purchase was a bit unconventional, wasn't it? Next you'll be saying the Revolution was for nothing and that our troops should all burn in hell. Reporters like you make me sick".

The Saudi Arabian Government has jumped at the proposed plan and have already placed bids on various low income areas for oil drilling. Meanwhile, the Israeli Government has preemptively sent drone strikes to Richmond, making the claim that they have deep historical ties to the state and its people should vacate immediately.

"It may be a short term issue dealing with our new neighbors, but just think about how cheap gas will be" smirked McDougle.

For all the news fit to beat, follow and visit thededhorse.com

05/09/2026

Despite years of warnings, avid kale and bean enthusiast Debbi Scott has been dicing with danger as she strains to ‘let one rip’, ‘cut the cheese’ or as most put it, ‘fart’.

“I know I shouldn't push too hard, but I just want to get it out of my system!” exclaimed a resolute Ms.Scott.

Debbi told us in confidence that she has been really clamping down on her most recent flatulatory episodes. Going so far as to lift one cheek off the seat minutes before ‘lift off’. This causes a brief moment of intestinal pain followed by bright light and then bliss as the gas passes. “But please don't tell anyone about that, it's really embarrassing” murmured Debbi, as she sat tilted in her seat.

Doctors have warned this tactic is dangerous. “The level of stress she is putting on her gastrointestinal system is roughly the equivalent of a full body workout” says Doctor Rümpe, Gastroenterologist and world record holder for most anuses seen in a day. “She must be stopped! Lest she overload her system and give herself a brain aneurysm! I should know, it happened to #263, the worst case of clamped cheeks I ever saw.”

Despite formal warnings from upstanding sources, Ms. Scott is dedicated to her strained lifestyle even if it means sacrificing brain activity. “I live by the motto ‘If it's gas, it’ll pass’. Say what you will, at least they're not solid.”

For more news fit to beat, visit thededhorse.com

05/06/2026

Oh Dick, you say the darnedest things!

05/05/2026

Bros are celebrating Bros and this week is no different as a motley group of young men identifying themselves as “Bros” went to their friend’s college graduation with the intent to honor his achievements.

“He's our bro, y’know?’ said Kieran McGuire, 21. “And bros show up for bros, it's just how things goes” he continued, folding his arms and pushing his snapback to the side.

The bros appeared ecstatic when their companion, Trevor Flannigan, took to the stage with his cap and gown.

“Dude! Look! He's wearing a dress!” claimed Pete Anderson, fellow bro. This received a round of high fives from his fellows.

After Trevor took the diploma and shook the Headmaster’s hand, he appeared to flash what seemed to be a Compton gang symbol at the camera, which appeared on the giant screen, sending his buddies into a hysterical frenzy. “BRO HE DID IT BRO HE DID IT BRO DID IT” they could be heard yelling and laughing.

The humor, no doubt arising from both Trevor's Midwestern upbringing in Ohio and his Caucasian appearance, proved to be effective to the highest degree.

As soon as Trevor crossed the stage, the bros had dispersed, chasing after that high called life and the pusherman known as Trevor. No doubt wherever they are, the bros will be showing up for bros.

For more news fit to beat, visit thededhorse.com

04/30/2026

Between forced belches and unnerving grunts, your alcoholic Uncle Gary proudly declared Saturday that once you grow up and receive your first real paycheck, you’ll finally understand why everyone should be a Republican.
Reclined in your La-Z-Boy and too “relaxed” to make eye contact, he appeared unresponsive to your rebuttal that you graduated college a decade ago and have been receiving paychecks ever since.
“You’ll see,” said the 54-year-old man whose last W-2 was issued during the second Bush administration. “The second that government starts taking their cut, something just clicks.”
Uncle Gary, who has not filed taxes since 2016 and currently receives disability benefits through a program he describes as “a total government overreach,” went on to explain that real life has a way of changing a person’s perspective.
At press time, Uncle Gary had fallen asleep before the gravy was served and was found to be wearing one dress shoe and one Croc.

04/28/2026

After gazing into the abyss you once called your face and hoping for the slightest change, the mirror has confirmed that you (unfortunately) still look like that.

Yes, for 25, you look kinda rough. After working all the graveyard shifts, partying until dawn and spending all your time soaking up the sun, life has taken its toll on you. Despite the various creams, ointments and herbal treatments your face is stuck looking like that. Not necessarily "old and ugly" but certainly not "young and beautiful", the face you once knew is now something else entirely. The features which once garnered you glances from the across room, now get you glances from across the room wondering "What the hell is that and how do I get away from it?".

Although, looking older and more tired is not as bad as it may seem. If you ever wanted to start dressing like a wizard or wearing a top hat and monocle, now's your time. Now, no one really cares what you look like, so neither should you! Consider this a liberation from the world of beauty standards.

For all the news fit to beat, follow and visit thededhorse.com

04/21/2026

Our travel desk has done the hard work so you don’t have to. You’re Welcome. The Ded Horse is not responsible for any atrocities that go down at any of these locations in the future.

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