The Real Saucon Source by Posh Jopichak

09/19/2025

Hello my dear little Hellertinians,

I am here to report that Hellertown will be hosting a candle festival and after-dark tickle party in honor of Karlie Chirk. The party will be BYOF (bring your own feather) so please come prepared with your finest quiver of quills and pinions. After the ceremonies, the floor will be opened to the crowd to share some thoughts, prayers, and hate speech with one another. I’m still waiting on sources to confirm whether or not Charlie will be able to attend.

Have a blessed day, my peasants.

A candelight vigil in memory of slain conservative political activist Charlie Kirk is planned this Sunday at 8 p.m. in Hellertown's Water Street Park.

12/16/2024

Hello my worthless little peasants,

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve posted last but I’ve been on sabbatical and reviving my love for haggis in Scotland. With that being said, I just had to speak up about this.

A local staple in Hellertown has apparently shut down after the owner fled to Tennessee amidst scandal and vitriol. Customers have reported their carrier pigeons have been unable to get messages to the owner of the establishment leaving them concerned for their outstanding orders of pastries, pies, and urinal cakes.

But after some digging, the likes of which the fraudulent parody account Josh Popichak could never accomplish, I’m pleased to inform you that ownership of this establishment will be immediately transferred to The Grinch. He will be taking over the orders of hungry Hellertinians from here on out. It’s a Thanksgiving miracle!

Have a great day,
-Posh

A local bakery has apparently closed its doors for good, leaving customers concerned about the status of holiday orders they have placed.

03/08/2023

I know I’ve been away for quite some time now but every so often, a story comes along that you can’t help but respond to. I haven’t been this fired up since Braveheart changed their once wonderful haggis recipe. But alas, as your most trusted source here in Saucon Valley, I must remain objective. So I whipped out my Ouija board and reached out to the man behind all of this to get his side of the story.

“I haven’t received this much sympathy since that Rolling Stones song…” Satan told me, “It’s nice to see these kids taking action.” I also reached out to Jesus and Cthulhu but both refused to comment.

Community • Family • Schools ACLU ‘Consulting With Clients’ After SVSD Affirms Decision to Ban After School Satan Club 20 mins agoAdd Commentby Josh Popichak Written by Josh Popichak Saucon Valley School District superintendent Jaime Vlasaty is standing by her decision to revoke the controve...

05/28/2020

Pardon my French, but I am just full of p**s and vinegar regarding this trampling of our rights!

Day in and day out, I bust my hump to provide my community with the unadulterated truth and now that very community I serve is looking to drown out what I love most in this world!

Haggis has been my passion for as long as I can remember. Since Braveheart opened their doors, I was there every night eating my staple dish — even the nights they were closed!

However, the increasing population of pizza spots is far outnumbering the Scottish pubs that provide my precious sheep guts. So I urge you, all of you peasants, write to the state representatives and fight this greasy and cheesy subversion of our right to Scottish cuisine!

Our haggis shouldn’t end where your pizza begins!

Have a blessed day, my sweet children.

The Hellertown Planning Commission recently approved a proposal for a pizza shop in a former automotive service facility next to the Saucon Rail Trail.

05/15/2020

As restrictions resulting from COVID-19 continue to cast a shadow on our summer, some local Hellertinians are taking a stand through the power of petitioning.

After immersing themselves in countless hours of research on various YouTube conspiracy channels, some folks here in Hellertown have finally figured out the answer. The combination of urine and chlorine present in the Hellertown pool’s water, when consumed, apparently kills the virus in seconds flat.

So please everyone, sign the petition and get your bendy straws ready because the cure lies at the bottom of that swimming pool! It is our god-given right to drink that water!

Have a blessed day y’all.

Hellertown residents are demanding an exception be made for the borough's swimming pool, which council said will remain closed this summer due to COVID-19.

09/18/2019

Good news, folks!

The children of Lower Saucon are in for a treat with this new grant set to overhaul a local playground.

The CFA (Circus Freaks of America) has just approved the placement of cannons for local youngsters to fire themselves out of. The grant also permits 20-foot tightropes and a caged lion to be placed on the grounds as well. The Bearded Lady is scheduled to be cutting the ribbon on opening day.

I just hope I don’t see a sword swallower. Those guys really give me the wi***es.

Have a blessed day my minions!

-Posh

State Rep. Justin Simmons (R-131) announced Wednesday that two improvement projects in his district--including a playground improvement project in Lower Saucon Township--will benefit from an additional $170,000 in recently-approved state funding.

09/18/2019

Well, I hope it was worth it, mister Honda! I hope flying past me on Bingen Road was worth the wrath of Hellertown’s finest purveyor of news and facts- Posh Jopichak himself!

You decided to pass me and now you’re in the news, buddy!

Let this be fair warning to any silly gooses who get on Posh’s bad side:

I will put you in the news so fast your head will spin!

12/19/2018

Greetings my pets!

I’m so very excited to share the news of a new Ma*****na dispensary possibly coming to Lower Saucon. I can’t wait to take a more holistic approach to clearing up my chronic hemorrhoids once and for all! So pull out your lighters, bongs, and Snoop Doggy Dogg records because that sweet sticky-icky-icky is coming to town!

Bye for now,
Posh.

A subsidiary of a Minnesota company has been issued a permit by the Pennsylvania Department of Health to open a medical ma*****na dispensary in the Saucon Square shopping center on Rt. 378 in Lower Saucon Township.

09/19/2018

Have you seen this bad guy? If anyone has spotted or knows the whereabouts of the BB&T Bank robber pictured in the article below, please hesitate from calling the Hellertown Police (they failed to find the Bank of America Robber), and contact Posh directly. I will handle this one myself.

The hunt for a Hellertown bank robber continues as of Monday evening, with police releasing additional information about and surveillance photos of the man who held up the BB&T branch at 741 Main Street around 5 p.m.

09/06/2018

Hello, my children!

Be wary of your neighbors folks, because you can never be too sure who they may be. An incident in which a local “man” busted for possession of mushrooms has turned into a case that is quite literally, out of this world.

Blarg McZaptron illegally came to the U.S. from his home-planet, Zebulon and brought a haul of his planet’s finest magic mushrooms. He will appear in front of an intergalactic jury of his peers for a hearing tomorrow. He is set to be deported back to the mothership some time next week.

E.T. phone home, Scumbag!

A man Hellertown Police say is in the U.S. illegally was allegedly in possession of psychedelic mushrooms when he was the subject of an Aug. 31 traffic stop, according to a news release issued by the department.

08/26/2018

Greetings, folks!
The landmark Hero Electric is closing it’s doors and giving some crazy deals in the process. Participants in an upcoming auction will have the chance to win anything from vintage electronics and appliances to pieces of the m**h lab in the apartment upstairs! Happy bidding!
Your pal,
Posh.

Bob and Victoria Hero have sold their property at 520 Main Street and are now preparing to liquidate the contents of Hero Electric at an on-site auction this Thursday, Aug. 30 at 10 a.m.

06/21/2018

Hello, peasants. Hope you all are having a blessed day. It is with great pleasure that I announce the 6th annual Hellertown Shred-Off! Prizes ranging from free haggis from Braveheart (my favorite dish) to a dinner date with Josh Popichak will be distributed to the Hellertinians who can shred the most personal paperwork. So come on down and shred it bro!!!

If papers containing personal and/or sensitive information such have been piling up and you lack a way to safely dispose of them, an upcoming event in Hellertown may be som**hing you will want to attend. Although a date hasn’t been selected yet, borough council Monday voted 5-0 to spend $1,000 to ...