Martinsville Report

02/19/2025

LOCAL RACISTS BECOME EMBOLDENED

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In recent days, bigots and racists have become seemingly emboldened. It is a complete mystery as to why this has occurred, as we here at the Martinsville report simply cannot seem to identify a reason that white supremacists and racists would ever feel more comfortable than they have in past years. Of course, it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with our new administration in the white house, or our presidents N**i lap dog, Elon musk.

One local racist, by the name of Tim Robertson, feels so confident in his blatant racism that he proudly made a Facebook post calling a black man a monkey. He also used the same term to describe “those on the left.” One problem we encountered in our research, however, is that it is nearly impossible to read Mr. Robertson’s post without suffering a traumatic brain injury, as there are more words spelled wrong than right.

It’s impossible to deny the correlation between uneducated racists, and poor grammar. Unfortunately, this kind of behavior is becoming incredibly common in our small town, and as these racists become more and more emboldened, so too might their actions. These are truly unprecedented times in our community. On an entirely serious note, we here at the Martinsville report believe it is useful and important to educate yourself on local bigots, so that you know who to avoid.

02/17/2025

“PATRIOTS” FLABBERGASTED BY THOSE EXERCISING FIRST AMENDMENT.

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Today, uptown, a small gathering of protestors conglomerated to protest against the trump administration and its recent actions regarding the Department of Education. By all accounts, this protest was harmless and simply an exercise of the participants first amendment rights to free speech, and freedom of assembly.

However, it didn’t take long until the comment section of a relevant Star News post became flooded with people seemingly bashing these individuals for their protest. Many mocked these people for being “jobless” or “crazy.” However, according to our research, it does appear that today is a federal holiday and people generally do have lives outside of work.

Most interestingly, many of these accounts that bashed the protestors have patriotic images, most notably, the American flag in their profile pictures. These “patriots” seem to misunderstand or simply disagree with our constitution and its amendments. For some reason, it appears that some of the most outspoken patriots, are the most ignorant. Every day, Americans are greeted with the unfortunate reality that not everyone agrees with their personal opinions.

02/15/2025

CHARLES ROARK VS RAY REYNOLDS
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Well folks, it appears that local tensions are rising in our little town. Ray Reynolds has accused Charles Roark of allowing his callers to slander and attack Mr. Reynolds, and has refused to advertise on Star news as a result. Charles recently mad an all-cap post about the situation on the Star news page in response.

We won’t lie, we here at the Martinsville report love it when old losers get pi**ed off at eachother and throw hissy fits. In fact, we think the best course of action is a bare knuckle boxing match to settle this score once and for all.

Imagine the spectacle on Hollywood hill as these two local clowns tear into eachother with vicious power. Charles might finally redeem himself from the tequila’s beatdown he received, or Will Ray come out on top? Only one way to find out. As an unbiased party who wants either of these men to get knocked out, we at the Martinsville report will happily sponser such an event.

02/11/2025

SORTA

HUNGRY?

02/05/2025

DANVILLE MAN ARRIVES AT THE “FIND OUT” PHASE OF THE PROCESS.

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It appears as though bigots of all kind have been emboldened as of late. Perhaps it’s the current administration, the ‘Roman salutes,’ or just a tipping point for racism. Whatever the cause, it seems that many have forgotten the concept of consequences, but one Danville racist was politely reminded.

Allegedly, the racist man exited his vehicle and assaulted a black man nearby, also lobbing a slur his way (you can guess which one). Fortunately, the victim was not a fan, and proceeded to put the racist to sleep. We here at the Martinsville report believe that this is the ideal way to deal with racists and bigots alike.

Yes, we believe in free speech, but not freedom from consequences. To put it simply, if you can’t take the heat, don’t call people slurs. This is truly a moment that we should celebrate, made only more poignant by the fact that this act of righteousness occurred in the last capital of the confederacy, Danville Virginia.

Credit to: Shakur L. Brandon for the photo.

02/01/2025

CROSSPOINT CHURCH POSTS OMINOUS VIDEO!

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Crosspoint church, located in ridgeway, recently posted a bizarre and disturbing video. The video features a woman advertising something (we honestly weren’t paying attention), but what happens in the background is what caught our attention.

A boy is aggressively grabbed and a trash bag is thrown over him as he is seemingly kidnapped. Then, the woman walks away and reveals a line of children, seemingly held against their will. Naturally, such a video is confusing and jarring to watch, let alone the fact that it was posted by a church. It is unclear why Crosspoint church would create such a video but we have our theories.

Perhaps this church is attempting a publicity stunt? Maybe Crosspoint is trying to send a message? Perhaps they’re gathering sacrifices for Johnny Robertsons blood cravings? Maybe these are the sacrifices that keep Clarence’s steakhouse open? Or maybe, what’s more likely, is that church is just so boring that the only reason to go would be if you’re forced to.

One thing is certain though, it is incredibly strange and seemingly tone deaf to post this video in a time where many are fearful of mass forced deportations and in a world where human trafficking is an unfortunate reality.

01/31/2025

JOHNNY ROBERTSON, AN ANCIENT EVIL?

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There are many legends of ancient evils in the world. Creatures that rise from their slumber each night in search of sustenance. Prowling the darkest and most unholy reaches of the night. Entities which In exist only to feed on others, and drain them of their life force. We here at the Martinsville Report believe we know one such creature.

Pale, deathly skin. A corpse-like presence. A strange, old fashioned sense of style. An aversion to direct sunlight. An eerie, hypnotic stare. Sound familiar? Well, it sounds like Johnny Robertson.

Our investigators have still never seen Count Robertson in sunlight, and we believe his photos are doctored to hide that fact. We believe that Count Robertson wakes up at the stroke of midnight, and prowls the streets for his next meal. The blood of Jesus isn’t the only blood he’s interested in. This also explains why he cares so much about who is fornicating, because virgin blood is always a vampire’s favorite.

We always thought church’s were safe from the undead scourge, but it is very clear that these demonic entities have evolved and adapted to suck as many of us as possible.

01/30/2025

MARTINSVILLE NEEDS MONSTERS

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When researching small towns, one thing our team noticed is that folklore and legends are really good for tourism. For instance, Loveland Ohio has a frogman and that’s pretty much the only reason anyone would ever go to Loveland Ohio. Point Pleasant West Virginia has a Mothman, Hopkinsville Kentucky has goblins, and right now, all we have is Charles Roark.

We here at the Martinsville Report love our hometown, so we believe we should have our very own monster to attract more attention, and if all goes well we can have a festival in its honor. However, the question still remains: what is Martinsville’s monster?

Our team have compiled a list of potential candidates: The Shrimpsquatch, The Collinsville Creeper, The Uptown Rat king, the Henry County Howler, the V**e Shop Varmint, and of course Charles Roark.

After brainstorming for a while, our team are all in agreement that the scariest idea is Charles Roark, and since that creature already exists it would be very easy to work with.

There have already been numerous sightings of this mysterious cryptid, but if you happen to sight it in the wild, you can always send us your evidence to review.

01/29/2025

LOCAL HERO EXPOSES THE TRUTH

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During a “Buzz” segment on the critically acclaimed and highly regarded Star News channel, a man called in to enlighten us with irrefutable evidence of the occult. If you can hear past the incessant and monotonous droning of what sounds like a 23 year old Coke machine fighting for its life, then you’d be able to hear the bold and earth shattering claims that the man seems to make.

These claims include the fall of America itself, the desperation of Satan, and the rigged nature of the NFL. Despite admitting that he didn’t even watch the game, he confidentially asserts that the NFL is involved in MK-ultra style mind control at the order of the Illuminati. To an average listener, this man might seem like an insane conspiracy theorist with a savior complex and nothing better to do than waste his time spouting unverified misinformation, who is suffering from delusions of grandeur that he is somehow more informed than anyone else. But to us, we think he might have a point.

We here at the Martinsville Report cannot explain the existence of Charles Roark, without the assumption that he is a product of the devil himself. In fact, we are almost certain that Hollywood theater was built upon an ancient portal to hell. One only needs to look into the eyes of Charles Roark at close range to feel the hot flames of hell creeping up their neck. It appears that the satanic panic of the 1980s is still going strong in Martinsville Virginia. Please, for the safety of you and your family, do not listen to heavy metal music within Henry county, as you will surely doom us all.

01/29/2025

We have “heard rumors” that Caleb Robertson wears diapers and kisses men on the lips. But those are “just rumors” since we can say that without any evidence or credible witnesses. We are simply “presenting rumors.”

01/28/2025

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