05/12/2026
So I stepped outside this morning, minding my business, ready for a peaceful trip to the supermarket… and immediately noticed what appeared to be HUMAN F***S splattered on my car.
Naturally, I was horrified. Confused. Slightly impressed by the trajectory.
Who does that?!
Who wakes up and says, “You know what today needs? Crime.”
Now, I used to be somewhat of a detective in my younger days… so I leaned in for a closer inspection. After a thorough investigation worthy of a Netflix documentary, I discovered it was not p**p at all…
…it was an avocado.
AN AVOCADO.
Now listen… as a proud supporter of guacamole and all things extra at Chipotle, I found this deeply offensive. In this economy?! Somebody out here weaponizing avocados?!
At first I wasn’t even gonna make a big deal about it. I washed it off, laughed a little, figured maybe somebody’s groceries got aggressive…
Until I discovered the avocado left a whole dent in my car.
A DENT.
From produce.
I work hard for my car, man, so it definitely sucks knowing I’ve now got a pointless dent caused by what can only be described as drive-by guacamole terrorism.
So now I’m left wondering…
Was this an isolated incident?
Have I been specifically targeted?
Or is there some mysterious Guacamole Bandit roaming the W section of town just absolutely launching avocados at unsuspecting vehicles?
Anybody else out here getting hit with avocados? Or am I alone in this produce-based attack?