Islamica News

06/18/2026

And remember: If anyone asks, it wasn’t a “War on Christmas,” it was an “Excursion on Christmas.”

06/16/2026

06/14/2026

Congrats to New York Knicks and Mayor Zohran Kwame Mamdani!

06/12/2026

After spending two months insisting an Iran peace deal is “hours away,” “days away,” and “closer than anyone’s ever seen,” President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he has now physically merged with the agreement itself.

“I’m very close to the deal,” said Trump, whose face now appears to be entirely made of treaty paper. “In fact, I may be the deal. Nobody knows. The deal and I have become one.”

Sources say the agreement has begun slowly absorbing his body, with the words IRAN PEACE AGREEMENT now permanently fused to his forehead.

“At first he was negotiating the deal,” said one aide. “Then he was promoting the deal. Then he was promising the deal. Now he appears to be wearing the deal as skin.”

On Thursday, Israel was still bombing targets, the U.S. was still conducting strikes, Iran was still retaliating, and Trump was assuring reporters that peace was now “closer than ever,” despite having evolved into a sentient ceasefire document.

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The Onion

06/09/2026

Attending Game 3 of the NBA Finals courtside, DJ Khaled spent the entire night staring at his phone and offering no visible support for the Knicks despite sitting just feet from the action.

Though thousands of fans screamed, cheered, and passionately backed their team, Khaled remained silent, detached, and determined not to get involved.

“Technically he was present,” said one spectator. “But if you were hoping he’d use his platform for something meaningful, he was sitting courtside for that too.”

Even as Victor Wembanyama of the Spurs shoved Jalen Brunson to the ground, in a clear violation of play and obvious flagrant foul, Khaled simply said without protest, “Peace and love to everybody.”

Follow for “another one.”

06/09/2026

Chaos erupted at Game 3 after Trump noticed the basketball was brown and immediately demanded it be “removed from the country.”

Sources say officials tried explaining that the ball was made of leather, not “an undocumented orb,” but Trump insisted it “looked suspiciously ethnic” and accused it of “crossing the half-court line illegally.”

The game resumed only after aides convinced him the ball had been “properly vetted by Spalding” and promised future games would consider “a more patriotic cream.”

Follow for more illegal ball coverage.

06/08/2026

As missiles continued flying across the Middle East despite an announced ceasefire, President Trump urged Americans not to believe what they were seeing.

“Those aren’t war missiles,” Trump explained. “They’re ceasefire missiles. Very different. They only explode for peace.”

“When two countries are at war, they fire war missiles. When they’re at peace, they fire ceasefire missiles. It’s basic geopolitics.”

The president went on to clarify that Israeli airstrikes were “peace blasts,” Iranian drones were “friendship drones,” and bunker-buster bombs were “conflict-resolution confetti.”

Reporters noted that several buildings had been reduced to rubble since the ceasefire took effect.

“Exactly,” Trump replied. “If there wasn’t a ceasefire, those buildings would’ve been destroyed much harder.”

On Monday, Trump was reportedly negotiating a permanent peace agreement under which both sides would continue bombing each other indefinitely while agreeing to call it something else.

Follow for coverage of the most peaceful war in history.

06/06/2026

In a move team executives described as “the next logical step in modern cost optimization,” the Chicago Bears announced Friday that they will be relocating the entire franchise to India and replacing their roster with players from across the country.

“American football players are incredibly expensive,” said a team spokesperson. “After consulting with management experts, we discovered we could get three Indian wide receivers and a project manager for the price of Caleb Williams.”

Under the new model, fans experiencing disappointment during games will no longer speak directly to players. Instead, they will be routed to a customer support representative in Bangalore who will apologize for the loss and provide a ticket number.

The team’s new home stadium, Bengaluru Field, will host games beginning next season, with ownership promising that kickoff delays caused by the chronic desi standard time delays will be capped by 6 hours. Management also reminded that no overtime will be paid for games going into overtime.

The franchise’s new quarterback, Rajesh Patel, has never played football but reportedly completed a six-week online certification course titled Quarterbacking Fundamentals & Agile Methodologies.

The team is excited about a new offensive approach of body odor by not positioning a right guard.

Follow but not for tech support.

06/03/2026

Local man and self-described “independent thinker” Chad Buckley insisted Monday that a video showing a man violently attacking someone while repeatedly shouting the N-word was “simply not enough evidence” to determine whether the attacker was a bad person.

“Everybody’s rushing to judgment,” said Buckley, whose social media profile consists almost entirely of complaints about diversity initiatives and nostalgia for unspecified “better times.” “For all we know, the attacker had a perfectly reasonable explanation for screaming racial slurs during a hate-fueled assault.”

Buckley reportedly demanded the release of an additional 14 hours of footage, the victim’s complete life history, and a peer-reviewed study on the attacker’s emotional state before reaching any conclusions.

Buckley had spent three straight days investigating the victim while somehow remaining completely uninterested in the guy shouting the N-word.

Follow for coverage on the “whole video” type people.

06/02/2026

Organizers of this year’s Israel Day Parade announced that the headline act will be controversial rap group Baby Unalivers, whose chart-topping single, “War Crimes Got All The Feels ’Cuz Hamas Uses Dem Human Shields,” has become an anthem among people who insist every news story is actually much more complicated than it looks.

“Loved the performance, but must admit was disappointed that no little people were unalived,” said one patriotic attendee as she made her way to the halal cart to claim it as her own.

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