09/28/2025
New Recipe:
SLEEPY CHEESE HANDFULS
For the background on this recipe I have to go back a bit...
Long ago, in the year of our Lord eighteen-hundred-and-something, my great-grandmother resided in a humble log cabin nestled deep in the wilderness. Life was hard, but she was resourceful, and her claim to fame was a peculiar marvel: she was the first woman in the valley to invent what we now call “pre-packaged cheese.” While her neighbors were busy churning butter or stringing beans to dry, she was wrapping slices of cheese in wax paper squares and stacking them neatly, as though the general store would be calling upon her at any moment.
The locals were baffled. “Why, Betsy,” they would say (for all great-grandmothers were named Betsy in those days), “why do you wrap your cheese like it’s heading off on a train to Philadelphia?” And she would simply smile, pat her apron, and reply, “Because the future is hungry, and it prefers convenience.” Many laughed at her odd ways, yet when winter came, it was her tidy little packets of cheddar that fed the neighborhood while others chipped ice off forgotten wheels.
Her process, passed down in reverent whispers, was equal parts artistry and nonsense. First, she would carve the cheese into geometrically improbable rectangles with the precision of a surveyor. Then she would press them flat with the family Bible — the heaviest book in the cabin — ensuring each slice was of uniform holiness. Finally, she wrapped each one in paper peeled from last year’s seed catalogues, which lent the cheese an unexpected aroma of turnips and corn.
As time marched on, my great-grandmother’s reputation grew. Travelers spoke of “the woman in the woods who sells cheese wrapped like Yankee currency.” Even the town doctor admitted her invention had medicinal qualities, for patients who could unwrap their food without cutting themselves on a cheese wheel lived longer lives. And so, by accident or providence, she laid the foundation of an industry that would not truly exist until a century later.
Now the recipe — if one can call folding paper and sighing heavily a recipe — has come to me. I too stand in my kitchen, cutting neat squares of cheese, carefully sealing them for the generations to come. When I eat a slice, I imagine her in that creaky cabin, fire crackling, eyes twinkling, inventing modern convenience while wearing a dress stitched from flour sacks.
Ive made a bit of a change to it. I use the shredded variety, as it makes it easier to not destroy the kitchen when youre on Ambien
RECIPE
1 Package of Shredded Sharp Cheddar Cheese
1 Right Hand
INSTRUCTIONS
This will really taste better at about 2 am, any other time is fine, but there's something about cheese at 2 am.
Open cheese packet.
Take right hand and scoop out a healthy pinch of cheese
Put the cheese in your cake hole. Eat it until you're full.
Put cheese back in fridge
Go back to bed.
Send me pics in the comments with how yours turned out
