06/29/2025
It’s been 2 years since I was out building a van in the middle of the desert in Joshua Tree.
A lot has happened since then. A lot has changed. Honestly, nothing is really the same
2 years ago I made the decision to move home from Europe and start over. Buying a used Amazon cargo van from Facebook marketplace and building it out in the middle of the desert at with .
I was very lost. Very alone. Very scared. I was putting my entire life savings into this van, while also going into debt. I was living alone for the first time in years. I had no real plan, only hope that it would work out.
I didn’t know it at the time, but this was the beginning of a very long journey of deconstructing a version of myself that didn’t feel authentic, and rebuilding my identity- along with this van.
It seems silly. Because in reality, the days were spent staining wood and connecting wires and trimming pex pipes- praying for no leaks in the water lines.
But simultaneously I was gaining confidence, using my hands to build something tangible with beside me. Every painstakingly long and hot day troubleshooting which gauge of wire to use for the electrical current range, every splinter from old wood, every broken jigsaw blade and hole cut in the van- was teaching me how to be me again.
I’ll be honest- I was horrible to work with. 21 years old going through a major life change does not make an easy coworker. I’m very lucky that travis was there to hold my hand and give me tough love through it. While also calling me out on ways I could be better. I’m thankful for it years later.
And it was never really about the van. It was never about continuing to travel. It was about proving to myself that I could be independent again, and accomplish a goal I had set- just me. Not my parents. Not strangers on the internet. Not my then boyfriend. Something I was doing that I solely would see the benefit from. It was about reminding myself of my capabilities, and recovering from a period of sickening self doubt.
Even though I don’t live in the van anymore full time, it is the most prominent part of me. It is the thing I’m most proud of.
