Disastrophe Films

12/20/2013
How I Seize It #118: BIRTHDAYS

How I Seize It #118: BIRTHDAYS

Sumwun ask me how many cannles I wunt on my burday cake. Well I don't eet, dumf**k, u wood know that iffin yew really was a DB! But the answer is WUn cause I...

08/30/2013
How I Seize It #104: ETIQUETTE

Here is our first Guest Spot this season on HISI! Help us welcome MICHELLE SPAZIANO to the HISI family!!!

Swore to gods I'd never share screentime wiff diss tenshun hungry hore again affer she made me look like JWow in about ten yeer, but she the only person wood...

08/16/2013
How I Seize It #102: THE BLOODY MARY SHOW

Here's our ALL NEW "How I Seize It" !!!

Lotsa folks tells me my stuff is Briddish funny an I guess dass a complament cuzz they spose ta be smarter dan we are over here stateside. Luckily I stumble ...

07/05/2013
How I Seize It #100: THE CENTENNIAL EPISODE

Introduce your friends to Loretta Jenkins with the 100th episode, which features EVERY topic we've covered so far!

Oh look, I been bichin fur three solit goddamn yeers! F**k times flies when yew drunk an angry mose the time. Yall enjoys this super mega long centennial bic...

07/04/2013
How I Seize It #99: MOTHER'S DAY (with "LOCO MAMA")

Today is DAY 99, y'all!!!! Let's celebrate How I Seize It: Mother's Day where we meet Loretta Jenkins' presumedly dead mother Loco Mama!!! AND we'll start celebrating even more at MIDNIGHT tonight when we release the 100th EPISODE SPECIAL!!!

There not a lotta things I like talking bout less on more than Muthers day, two blackout days of my life is trace back to two different mothers day when babi...

07/03/2013
How I Seize It #98: BIG BROTHER

Today we celebrate How I Seize It: Big Brother. Who wouldn't want 24/7 cameras on Loretta Jenkins! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urgx6y1pzgA

PRODUCTION NOTE: Please check out Big Brother Abridged hosted by HISI creator Jason Vitteri-Lewis on our youtube channel www.youtube.com/disastrophefilms

So yew git lock up in a fancy house fur three munths an yew git a cool halfa mill jess far lyin an backstabbin an bein mean an throwin biches unner a bus? He...

07/02/2013
How I Seize It #97: FASHION

Celebrate today with How I Seize It: Fashion. We are only DAYS away from our 100th Episode Celebration!

Like I need to turn on the TV to lern what fashnable. Well I don't, I jess need two dollars and a trip to the Clothing By The Pound. Yew can make a top outta...

07/02/2013
How I Seize It #96: WALMART

Yesterday we celebrated by reminding ourselves of the Corporate Evil that is Walmart. Spread the Gospel y'all!

Yew lookin fur somewun to blame fur ar economic predickerment? Uh, look no further than this famalee over here in Arkansas. I thank I know my own folk. I war...

06/30/2013
How I Seize It #95: BEAUTIFUL AGONY

HAPPY PRIDE for DAY 95, sellerbrate by war chin my sexface video, How I Seize It: Beautiful Agony! Iss my mose poplar Seasum 3 vidja. I wunner why? cuz folks is f**k nasty deez daze. praise allah 4 dat!

Oh look everwun, look here at my cumface. What kinda Amsterdam hashish sh*t people smoke that gettem dis kinda idear. Course if yew makin money off it, mad p...

06/29/2013
How I Seize It #94: MARIJUANA

How I Seize It #94: MARIJUANA

Now I don't make stonin a habit or anythang cause yew cant get Mona to stop singin broadway showtunes if I'm too high. And she still think she got 2 ockaves ...

06/28/2013
Big Brother Abridged ~ BB 15: Episode 1 (June 26, 2013)

Now producing our first Reality Show-based blog! If you like Big Brother, you will love Big Brother Abridged. Check out the Roleplay Feature & play along! http://tinyurl.com/pjs379l #bb15

BBA (Big Brother Abridged) is an interactive Recap/Review & Roleplay vlog. For each episode of CBS' Big Brother 15 this summer, your resident "Big Brother Ra...

06/28/2013
How I Seize It #93: SEXUAL HARASSMENT

TODAY is DAY 93! We are just 7 days away from our 100th Episode, Y'all! Celebrate today with How I Seize It: Sexual Harassment.

PRODUCTION NOTE: Special shoutout to our friend Bryan Lassiter who inspired this episode from real life events! XOXO!!!

Im a bit confuse, I like a little harassment in my sexuals, ya know? It aint fun lessen sumbody gittin ropeburnt am I rite? Ahhhh Youth...good times. But I h...

06/28/2013
How I Seize It #92: THE PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY

Can't wait another week for our 100th Episode? #TakeAChillPill with How I Seize It: The Pharmaceutical Industry. Just don't touch Loretta Jenkins' Xanax, K?

Well obviously I'm sorta on the fense on this topix cause hell I like my pills but I also like to spose fraudulent industries as offen as I can. Them Mercks ...

06/28/2013
How I Seize It #91: EASTER

On DAY 91 we are celebrating How I Seize It: Easter. Join us and spread the Gospel of Loretta Jenkins!!! #ZombieJesus

Up From The Grave He A-Rose, or so goze the story. Iont kno. Aint like there any ackshull proof uv any of it, but I digess...So happy burfday Jesus, Thanky f...

06/25/2013
How I Seize It #90: YOGA

On DAY 90 we celebrate the world's worst sport in How I Seize It: YOGA

Now, I likes spandex. I likes wurkin up a swet, but I dont like Yoga folk, they all hippy and smellin like eggs that been leff out in the sun. My faggit budd...

06/24/2013
How I Seize It #89: THE DEAF (with BEATRICE)

DAY 89 is for celebrating How I Seize It: The Deaf written specifically for our #1 Nonhearing Fans Stephen & Mar! So glad they have such good sense of humor! XO Special thanks to Deanna Glasser for bringing her signing and acting talents to the HISI family!

I NO I BEEN A LIDDLE BEHINE PUTTIN MY CLOSE CAPSHUNS ON HERE BUT YALL JESS HOLD TITE IM ONLY WUN GODDAMN PERSON TRYNA GIT FAMUSS ON HERE! YEW NO WHUT KINDA P...

06/23/2013
How I Seize It #88: SCHOOL PRAYER

Yesterday was DAY 88 and we celebrated How I Seize It: School Prayer. If you could pray for a future episode's topic, what would it be?

I thank since there seperashun a church an state an states run skools then that meens no prayer in skools! DUH, DUMBASSES! Pray on yur own time, yew spose to...

06/21/2013
How I Seize It #87: LES MISERABLES

"Do You Hear The Prophet Bitch?"
On DAY 87, Loretta Jenkins lets us know what she thought of this years' big hit musical in How I Seize It: Les Misérables! Only 2 weeks away from the BIG DAY!

Do you heer the people sing? Well hell yeah I did, ass all I did was heer dem sing cuz didn't nobody talk throo any of the whole damn movie! Ats a damn opera...

06/20/2013
How I Seize It #83: GANGNAM STYLE

How I Seize It #83: GANGNAM STYLE

Now sumwun splain to me what so ennertainin bout dis sh*t, huh? Maybe dis the age I start gettin too old fur the sh*t dats cool, is that it? AN what langwidg...

06/17/2013
How I Seize It #82: TAYLOR SWIFT

On DAY 82, Loretta Jenkins celebrates the dulcet tones of Country Music's most over-rated singer in How I Seize It: Taylor Swift.

Yew herda one hit wonders? Well, Taylor Swiff shooda been a NONE hit wunder! Man wun can only hope she goze the way a Tiffany an Debbie Gibsum. Nex time her ...

06/15/2013
How I Seize It #81: RAPE

For DAY 81, Loretta Jenkins brings you How I Seize It: RAPE. This episode was spontaneously written during a previously scheduled shoot so we could respond to Roy Akin's comments about Legitimate Rape.

Deer Roy Akins frum over thar in Misurrah. Sumwun needa shuv a dickshunary strate up yur choklit whizway an relern yew the defanishern a rape! Ima git me a p...

06/15/2013
How I Seize It #80: "P.E.T.A."

With her most famous handmade creation to date, Loretta Jenkins celebrates DAY 80 with How I Seize It: PETA. Learn what happens when she tries to photobomb Lindsay Lohan!

No fence ta Betty White cuz I know she sportin a biggun far aminals, but goddamn yall we gots to draw the line somewhars! We gotta have sumthin ta tess medic...

06/15/2013
How I Seize It #79: HUNGER GAMES

For Day 79, it's another one of Loretta Jenkins' famous movie reviews! This time it's How I Seize It: The Hunger Games. As always, something happens to Loretta at the theatre that you definitely don't want to miss this time!

Ever wunce in a wile there come a movee so daggum awful it make yew ponder, 'I wunner how menny starvin kids coulda got fed wiff this big budgit flick?' Then...

06/12/2013
How I Seize It #78: SANTA CLAUS

Since it's almost Christmas in July time and we're just 3 weeks away from our 100th Episode Celebration, Share the gospel of Loretta with How I Seize It: Santa Claus and learn all about Mr. Kringle from the woman who put the HO in 'Ho Ho Ho!'

You'll never listen to 'Here Comes Santa Claus' quite the same again!

He go by menny a name: Kris Krinkle, Jack Fross, Misser Johnson in a Sanny soot from Momma's bridge club a few times that I'd let sniff my pannies in schange...

06/11/2013
How I Seize It #77: VIRGINITY

How I Seize It #77: VIRGINITY

Virgens are loosers and don't never let nobody ever tell ya utherwise. If ya don't git good at sex early on aint nobody gonna wanna brake yew in an if yew aw...

06/09/2013
How I Seize It #75: FACEBOOK

t's DAY 75, Y'all! We are 3/4 through with our celebration and a mere 24 episodes away from our CENTENNIAL EPISODE! Enjoy How I Seize It: Facebook, learn all about the Social Media giant and as always 'Find Loretta on Facebook, or F**K OFF!'

To Friend LO: www.facebook.com/TheLorettaJenkins

Crack, booze, ciggys, nudie cable...They all addickive sustances what's contributin' to the downgradin of ar sussciety. Now we got this App what turns us all...

06/08/2013
How I Seize It #74: THANKSGIVING

Sure the real T-Day is months away but you can show how thankful you are for Loretta Jenkins by spreading the word with How I Seize It: Thanksgiving. Show the love, y'all!

Orange is a ugly culler an pilgrims was homely folks so why we cellabate this day then? Well, without 'Ol Whitey massackrin all the RedMens, then SHAZAM, Ame...

06/07/2013
How I Seize It #73: CHICK-FIL-A

DAY 73 is for How I Seize It: Chick-fil-A! Learn what @LorettaJenkins thinks about their #HateChicken! #LGBT #Equality

Taint like me boycottin a ressarant what don't serve no likker gonna do a hole hella good, but that aint the pointa bitchin now, is it DBs? Yew got ever Cons...

06/06/2013
How I Seize It #72: "ELECTION 2012"

Getting us caught up to date is the first-ever "LIVE" episode. (Live meaning we shot 2 endings and uploaded both and released only the accurate ending). We're of course referring to How I Seize It: Election 2012. This vote was easy for Loretta Jenkins. She hates Mormons.

For those of you not happy with the election returns (lol) here is the ALTERNATE ENDING: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olNH9TTsWdY

So ever for yeers ar so, we parade a buncha hot air polatisherns an vote on who gits the power to blow the planit to smivereens. Man, aint nobody can fix 250...

06/04/2013
How I Seize It #69: EX-GAYS (with STEPHON)

Celebrate DAY 69 and the Political Retirement of Michele Bachmann with How I Seize It: Ex-Gays! It features our first special guest of Season Three, Stephon (played by Michael Kitts). #DoubleLurv

PRODUCTION NOTE: Do not try this at home. Unless y'all got a safe word!

They say a troo frens work is never dun. Well, I aint much for frens but I gotta warch out for my impreshnable yung faggits out there, like my DB Stephon her...

06/04/2013
How I Seize It #68: PENN STATE SCANDAL

DAY 68 brings us How I Seize It: Penn State Scandal. Even tho Loretta Jenkins hates youngins, she hatew lower forms of life like child molesters EVEN MORE! Spread the Love, Y'all! And visit our new site at www.howiseizeit.com

Man, I hadda eet sum vodker-soaked watermellun jess to have somethin to throw up affer hearin on this toddler-molessin scannal! To hell wiff skool rivaries, ...

05/31/2013
How I Seize It #66: "Cyberterrorism"

Today we're celebrating EPISODE 66, aka the season 2 finale cliffhanger episode! We're just a little over a month until we release our MEGAHUGE #100th Episode, Y'all!!!! Show Lo some love with some beer money at www.howiseizeit.com

Yall I jess lernt how ta use emails lass yeer so iont unnerstans how folks frum millyun mile away can see inna yur webbercam, speshly when I's rubbin ones ou...

05/30/2013
How I Seize It #65: "Stem Cells"

How I Seize It #65: "Stem Cells"

Now whas all the damn fuss now bouts deez stemmer cells? If we tess sh*t on rats folks frum peeta be bitchin but if we use kids, yougin avvocates be bichin, ...

05/30/2013
How I Seize It #64: "Toddlers & Tiaras"

How I Seize It #64: "Toddlers & Tiaras"

I thank I been kinely cleer bout my levela desdains fur kids, yungins, punkass little peeples, whatevs ya wanna calls em wace of spaces. Now they gots they o...

05/30/2013
How I Seize It #64: "Toddlers & Tiaras"

How I Seize It #64: "Toddlers & Tiaras"

I thank I been kinely cleer bout my levela desdains fur kids, yungins, punkass little peeples, whatevs ya wanna calls em wace of spaces. Now they gots they o...

05/27/2013
How I Seize It #61: "The Contraception Debate"

TODAY we celebrate looking Forever Young(ish) through the modern miracle of Plastic Surgery! Find out what lengths Loretta Jenkins will go to preserve her youthful beauty!

Fank gods far womins voter anger an fack mose us got mamries like elfunts, hangin low an always membrin. Damn conserves gots all us biches pannies in a colle...

05/27/2013
How I Seize It #61: "The Contraception Debate"

How I Seize It #61: "The Contraception Debate"

Fank gods far womins voter anger an fack mose us got mamries like elfunts, hangin low an always membrin. Damn conserves gots all us biches pannies in a colle...

05/26/2013
How I Seize It #59: "Pornography"

Yesterday's celebratory video was How I Seize It: Pornography! Watch Lo strip down to the bare truth for you in this titillating episode! Watch it Nekkid!

Ummm idk call me a tradishnaliss, but I thank the human nekkid boddee a worka art unless yew a biggun, then yeah maybe shood be outlaw far fatties a be nekki...

05/23/2013
How I Seize It #58: "Rush Limbaugh"

Day 57 brings us back to How I Seize It: Rush Limbaugh. Watch Loretta Jenkins embrace her inner Slut as she takes down the Right's biggest Windbag!

I hate asshoes, fat f**ks and pelicuns so yewall can jess magine how muchi hate an pray fur the deff of they king. Off wiff his hedd, pecker, legs, arums, wh...

05/21/2013
How I Seize It #55: "Affirmative Action"

How I Seize It #55: "Affirmative Action"

Y'all knows ain't got a prejice bone in my bodee, cept that time I was hired to git gangbang by that groopa Korean biznessmens at the downtown Little Rock Ho...

05/20/2013
How I Seize It #54: "Religion"

How I Seize It #54: "Religion"

Face facks is mose folks onlee gots ralijun fur same reesume dey gots insurance. In case a mergency an dey needa Godbase backup plan. Iont know what's I bale...

05/17/2013
How I Seize It #52: "Twitter"

It's day 52, y'all! That means you should tweet the hell out of us! Here's How I Seize It: Twitter. Here we learn all about Loretta's obsession with social networking, which of course she conforms to, long as it makes her more popular!

PRODUCTION NOTE: To follow Loretta Jenkins on Twitter: @LorettaJenkins
To follow our show: @HowISeizeIt
To follow HISI's creator: @homopinionation

Taint been a lotta invensherns over the corse a time that one wood say was ignurnt but they broke the mothaf**kin ignurnt mold when they invented the twitter...

05/16/2013
How I Seize It #51: "Personal Hygiene"

Day 51 is our creator's personal fav How I Seize It: Personal Hygeine because he used it to get bad roommate juju off his chest! The 'Pube Fairy' bit?#truestory

PRODUCTION NOTE: The voice of 'Buffy' aka 'Guinness' was laid to rest during the last filming session. He will be in the first few season 4 episodes, but then our spontaneous howls will sadly go missing. We will miss him adding his own soundtrack to our episodes! RIP Buddy!

Yalls I hates nassee assez. Ets mainly why I stay sangle cauze mens mosely durty fukkers an I aint inta muchin down on no muff-cooter, so lesboisms is defini...

05/16/2013
How I Seize It #50: "Kim Kardashian"

How I Seize It #50: "Kim Kardashian"

If yall lets yur little wuns warch enny show wiff dis hore on it, well yew only gonna have yerself ablame when yew a granny in yur thirdies. She aint nothin ...

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