01/14/2026
Back in August, my family acquired a new home, which immediately set about informing us—through a series of increasingly personal challenges—that it did not yet understand who we were or how we lived. Thus began the ceremonial Months of Projects, during which one attempts to bend drywall, landscaping, and one’s sanity into a shape resembling “comfortable.” The neighborhood itself is brand new, and the builders, in a moment of optimistic but tragically under-researched generosity, planted a cedar tree in every single yard. This would have been charming, had it not coincided with the existence of one homeowner (me) whose immune system reacts to cedar pollen as though it were an airborne declaration of warAs with all items on a honey-do list, the tree’s removal entered a state of quantum uncertainty—technically planned, but not yet observed in action. My husband, noting that pollen season was still months away and that optimism is free, felt no particular urgency. Thus, the first attempt at uprooting the tree occurred only yesterday, at which point the wooden-handled spade snapped cleanly in half, apparently offended by the very suggestion of manual labor. Our four-year-old, sensing destiny, volunteered to pull the tree out himself using sheer willpower and possibly superhero strength, but we agreed it would be wiser to obtain a replacement tool from a nearby chain store devoted entirely to such disappointments.
Fortunately, we had been gifted a store gift card as a housewarming present and were delighted to finally deploy it in the wild. Delight escalated to awe, and then to hushed reverence, when I impulsively added a carbonated beverage at checkout and the total came to exactly the value of the gift card. No remainder. No awkward seventeen cents lingering forever in a wallet. Just a perfect, closed system—an event so rare it may cause a slight shimmering in the space-time continuum. Proof is included so that you, too, may experience the deep and credible satisfaction of not needing a second payment method, nor being cursed with a gift card balance too small to ever use but too large to forget.
31F. No banana for scale, as my four-year-old no longer finds them appealing and I legally cannot force another banana bread on my family.