09/12/2026
No hard feelings if you see this. I promise this was more an exercise in self reflection than it appears on the surface.
I wanted to interrogate why it is that my knee jerk reaction to otherwise harmless questions is so often a defensive posture. Why do I feel resentful when the people who I asked to be here and to engage with me actually do it? Or when they push me to answer for my own humanness.
It kind of boils down to this: the negative stuff always feels so much larger than the positive stuff. And that negativity lingers. It hangs in the air like a thick fog and it’s hard to see through sometimes.
It sounds ridiculous but I think in 10 years they will be releasing studies about ptsd and social media use.
It happens to me and I see it happen to my friends all the time. A single person or a small group of people will make the decision that you’re no longer worthy of whatever they perceive you to have - be it a social following, perceived wealth, your platform - and they will try to take it away or at least make you so miserable that you don’t want it anymore.
And once it has happened to you it colors all your interactions online. Or at least it has mine. The parasocial thing goes both ways you know. Creators need eyeballs, just like those eyeballs come with expectations we can’t possibly understand, creators have feelings sometimes those eyeballs forget to consider.
I’m human just like you. I’m allowed to change my mind just like you. I’m allowed to spend my money on whatever I want just like you. I can express a temporary emotion, hit post, and change my state of being just like you.
