05/13/2026
it’s been awhile
since i’ve really shared
or posted
because I am living with these two bricks
on my shoulders
one on the right
one on the left
they have different purposes
but each is heavy enough
that I always know
they are there-
I feel them like they are
almost part of me now
because as I move and exist in the unknown
so do they
One Brick is my mind convincing me
the cancer is back.
it reminds me daily
that my bloodwork shows small, inconsistent signs
of ctDNA-
too small to treat
too consistent to ignore
it reminds me of PET scans
that I have an mri tomorrow
I see my oncologist regularly
i haven’t done all the things I should be doing…
and because of that
maybe it is coming back
and if it does
it could be anywhere.
The Other Brick
pretends cancer never existed.
cancer?
oh no
not me!
it’s a blackout kind of denial.
denial denial denial.
because
i’m tired of all of it-
i’m tired of talking about it
thinking about it
worrying about it
sharing it — i’m tired of it
i want it to go away.
both Bricks are still there.
some days are heavier than others
and
they are a two for one deal-
I can’t put one down
without carrying the other
they take turns weighing me down
but mostly
they work in tandem.
I feel fine until i’m not
I forget
and then I show up at my appointments
test after test after test
nothing —
but something
no answers —
just more testing
bloodwork
ct
pet
mri
repeat.
so i’m here
in this place
Of in between forever.
I try to take the bricks off-
because stress causes cancer too,
doesn’t it?
but somehow
I glued them there myself
with some magic glue I invented
and now
I don’t know how to remove them…
that’s what has been weighing me down
silently.
i’ve been quiet because
I don’t even know how to explain this feeling
I don’t know what words belong to it
honestly-
it feels like i never really fully came up for air.
I have been waiting
since that first positive signatera result months ago…
waiting for something
that may or may not be around the corner
and that’s the hardest part.
during cancer
it felt like being trapped in a glass box
now it’s different
now it feels like
standing too close
to the edge of a cliff
on a very windy day