Junk Bros News

04/01/2026

Junk Brothers News not only makes up the news, we make up the pictures, too!

Editor Chase Laser developing this very photo.

03/28/2026

Unaffordable housing keeps unhoused boxed in.

During these hard economic times, a nearly unhoused man is forced to sell his home before the bank forecloses. Sensibly, he chooses B.R.A. Realtors (Box Realtors Assoc.) instead of selling on his own. Wishing to remain anonymous, he gave these statements to a Junk Brothers street reporter:

"I tried the almighty 'Bye Loaner' and the giant 'Bye Max,' but I didn’t have the results you’d expect from a universal realtor. All realtors seemed to be a bunch of pricks until I found B.R.A. Realtors. With a name like BRA, I knew I would have positive results. I have a life to live, and showing the house would take away from my panhandling time.

I had a buyer, but he couldn’t get financing until the guys at BRA pushed up his credentials and made his financials have an overall bigger look. The realtors' 37% commission seems fair, with only a $2.00 per dance closing cost. Property taxes escalated this year, and I missed the deadline for the homestead exemption. Appraised for the original contents, the home’s price was hard to determine. I needed to sell fast before next year's models came out. My house sold after being on the market for only eight days…. Thanks to BRA, I am an unhoused man again!"
~Junk Bros News

03/28/2026

He had a Dream and We see the Signs.

Martin Luther King Jr. never dreamed his name would be on street signs all across America. A monumental move for someone simply wanting equality, no matter which side of the tracks they were from. Sadly, signs of this dream's destination seem rarer than the actual streets named for this legendary leader.
~ Junk Bros News

03/27/2026

Lunch for Larry.

03/26/2026

Regarding our Field Correspondent, Steve "On the Road."

While he masquerades as a jet-setting journalist, I’m beginning to suspect his "global dispatches" are actually just "stationary stationery."

Since he has yet to master the art of the email, Steve delivers his reports via the "Step-and-Drop" method—scrawled, handwritten notes left on the office doorstep. He recently "filed" a report on the Hawaii flooding, yet we’re left wondering how he made it back to We**ie Heaven so quickly. From the looks of it, he never even left his recliner.
~ Junk Bros News

03/26/2026

What makes Junk Bros News so newsworthy? It’s definitely our dedicated news team. Over the years, the Junk Bros News team has brought you the news no one cares about. Nothing has really changed except our hairstyles—and our news definitely hasn’t changed.
~Junk Bros News

03/25/2026

The Human Genome Jigsaw Puzzle: The Gift That Keeps on Giving (and Giving...)

Is your mom a fan of 1,000-piece puzzles? Has she conquered the "Starry Night" or the "Double-Sided Impossible Dalmatians"? Well, it’s time to upgrade her to the big leagues.

Welcome to the Human Genome Jigsaw Puzzle. It’s not just a hobby; it’s a lifestyle choice.

The Specs:

Piece Count: Approximately 3.2 billion.

Color Palette: A stunning, high-contrast mix of Adenine, Thymine, Cytosine, and Guanine.

Dimensions: A double helix inspired puzzle. If laid end-to-end, it’s about two meters long, but we’ve folded it to fit in a normal puzzle box and coated the pieces with deoxyribonucleic acid for preservation.

Difficulty Rating: "Are You Even Human?"

Why Mom Will Love It:

It’s Genetic! If she gets frustrated, she can’t blame the manufacturer—she’s literally looking at the blueprints for why she is the way she is. It’s the ultimate form of self-reflection.

Holiday Spirit: Nothing says "Family Christmas" like trying to figure out where a specific sequence of GATTACA goes while everyone else is watching football.

Endless Entertainment: Most puzzles take a weekend. This one took a global team of scientists thirteen years and $3 billion to finish the first time. It should keep Mom busy through New Year’s... of 2037.

Every Human Genome Jigsaw Puzzle comes with the "A-T-C-G" Cheat Sheet for Mom:

A is for "Always looking for that one corner piece."

T is for "Time to start another pot of coffee."

C is for "Can't believe I agreed to do this."

G is for "Great, another three billion pieces to go."

Warning:

May cause "Sequence Fatigue." Side effects include seeing double-helixes in your sleep and an uncontrollable urge to categorize your spice rack by base-pair compatibility.

Happy Puzzling!
~Junk Bros News

03/24/2026

ABC Discount Loaner Clones
When it doesn’t matter if it's "ewe."

Need to be in two places at once? Our Warm Bodies are standing by to serve as your Clone Substitutes. Borrow a Loaner Clone today! They are approximately 80% cheaper than a real clone and 100% less likely to complain.

Keep the appointments you can’t make. We have hundreds of uses for the man who wants to be "absent-minded":

The Alibi: Go to the golf course while your clone "works" the board meeting.

The Workout: Send them to the gym when you aren’t in the mood. Let them diet and exercise while you stay "bread-y" for dessert.

The Risk-Taker: Send them on a blind date, have them "stand-in" for minor surgery, or let them take the rap in court.

The Line-Stander: They’ll wait at the bank while you live a life of leisure.

It’s a copy-paste lifestyle for a fraction of the price!

Dissclaimers:
*Not an exact clone. We’re "close," but who"s smoking ci**rs?
*Recommended for appointments where your identity is "optional."
*No "Clown Clones" available—we stopped "fooling" around.

Warning: Never leave a clone alone.
~ Junk Bros News

03/24/2026

Just to clarify.

03/23/2026

Researching...

Growers Co-op Support Stem Sell Research.

Cooperatives of medical research and collective gardening growers across the nation are getting on the wagon for promoting the funding of stem sell research. This type of research's ultimate goal is to find more ways to sell stems.

According to many medical and recreational ma*****na producers, more research is desperately needed on what can be done to improve the viability of adult use of both stems and seeds, and add to their potency in the market place.

The grass roots effort is now taking seed coast to coast. According to the National Organization for the Reform of Ma*****na Law (NORML), newly generated cells are emerging on a daily basis.

While approved stem sell seed lines can be acquired from seed banks in many parts of the world, the acquisition of totipotent seeds for research can often be an expensive and dangerous, if not also illegal, quagmire.

According to Dr. Azeezee, tops in the field of medical ma*****na, "we're only in the embryonic stages of capitalizing on what we've learned about the ma*****na genome__ like a major locus on chromosome 18 controls odd XX s*x__ we need to convert these stems from totipotent, to pluripotent and then to multipotent and beyond! cannabinoid receptors and the endogenous compounds that act upon them__ let's eat a BLT with eggs!"

Once thought only to be an aid or treatment for glaucoma, medical ma*****na has blossomed to ward-off, if not cure, most known diseases. With additional support, it may also be useful in treating FOHESCR
Syndrome (Fear Of Human Embryonic Stem Cell Research).

Cloning a new bush may also become a necessary IED on the road to success.

~Karl

03/23/2026

Killer Bees Now Just Chill.


The Buzz on the Street. Since the Africanized Bees started pollinating the local medical ma*****na crops the "Killer Bee" reputation has been traded in for a more "Chiller Bee" alternative reality.
The lifestyle of territorial ganging up has been replaced by a more laid-back, entrepreneurial spirit. You can still spot them by their heavy gold chains and multi-sneaker flex, but their energy has shifted more toward sub-zero.

Snoop Bee, official spokesperson for the B's, only had this to say: "Buzz Off - Buzz Around - Buzz On"

03/23/2026

The tissue issue NOW is about proximity to the throne.