12/26/2025
New car, new house. Holiday flowers.
Itโs not just the amazing villa on an island in paradise. Itโs not even the M50... (I know right!)
Itโs my psychological transformation the past 3 years.
I have lived with such extreme anxiety I just always thought it was normal. I have planned, prepped, anticipated for the worst every step of my journey. And many times,
I got that.
Itโs not that every single person that crossed my path was a downright predator, though there was some of that. Itโs that I hadnโt processed my own sh*t, so in many cases I was bringing forward a victimy woman anticipating abuse.
That expression of me brought out the predatory expression in others. They simply responded to my weakness. That is,
until I figured it out.
It takes a lot of self-accountability to realize I have always been in control of how others treat me. If I stand firm in my boundaries, actually say what I feel & need...
well, the chips may fall where they may.
Very scary for those programmed to live in fear.
Thereโs no greater tragedy than capitalizing on your own childrenโs need for survival, and actually getting off to their fear of you.
Gross.
Iโve spent many holidays alone. Pretending I donโt care but deep down blocking the sadness and gloom all around me when stores close, streets are bare & empty, yet the houses I walk past are filled with music, cheer, and family.
Thatโs the club we all deserve to be in on Christmas.
But my stints of isolation were not in vain. I recovered much of my true self previously lost to the filtration system that was formed at such a young age.
I check in regularly now,
โ๐ช๐ด ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ข๐ญ๐ญ๐บ ๐ฎ๐ฆ? ๐๐ณ ๐ข๐ฎ ๐ ๐ข๐ค๐ต๐ช๐ฏ๐จ?โ
My authentic soul canโt take it anymore.
Time alone taught me I can BE alone. I learned how to best treat myself. Anyone who steps into my world now, I too hold accountable.
& what do you know?
Beautiful relationships forming all around me. A sense of peace, a promising future, a beautiful home... and most importantly,
a sense of family & a feeling I can be my true self on this island.
Merry Christmas everyone.
May you be courageous enough to liveโฆ fully expressed! ๐น
itโs worth it.