LOZcal News Network

LOZcal News Network Your #3 source for the Lake of the Ozarks news, dock gossip, and totally made-up headlines. 100% satire. 0% wake zone. Instagram: LOZcalNews

12/11/2025

🕰️THROWBACK THURSDAY

🚨 New Eldon Eatery Brings Gourmet Twist to Highway Casualties 🚨
Lozcal News Network | Eldon, MO

In a move that’s equal parts controversial and oddly eco-conscious, a new restaurant called “Fresh 54” is set to open just outside of Eldon — and yes, the rumors are true: the menu is entirely inspired by locally sourced roadkill.

Chef Darrell “D-Rack” Simmons, a self-taught wild game connoisseur with a beard that predates Wi-Fi, says the idea came to him after hitting a possum on the way to Branson. “It felt wasteful just leavin’ it there. I thought — what if I could turn this into a fine dining experience?” Now, Fresh 54’s rotating menu features delicacies like Tire-Tenderized Venison Carpaccio, Grilled Armadillo au Jus, and Skunk-Free Skunk Cabbage Slaw. Dishes are paired with locally brewed craft beer or sweet tea in a mason jar.

The restaurant promises all meat is “recently retrieved, thoroughly inspected, and slow-cooked to perfection.” Not surprisingly, locals are divided — with some excited about the sustainability, and others refusing to eat “anything that saw headlights.”

Soft opening next weekend. No reservations, no refunds, and definitely no squirrels under 24 hours old.

12/10/2025

BREAKING: Leaf Pickup Canceled After Windstorm Blows Every Leaf in Missouri Directly Into the Lake

A powerful windstorm swept across the Lake area today, sending thousands of leaves spinning through the air and straight into the water. Residents watched helplessly as entire yards were stripped bare in seconds, forming swirling leaf cyclones that migrated toward the shoreline. Local officials say the storm was “strong enough to undo three weekends’ worth of raking,” which several homeowners took personally.

With nearly all the leaves now floating offshore in giant orange clusters, the scheduled leaf pickup has officially been canceled. The Lake Patrol is currently investigating whether this new floating mass qualifies as a temporary island, a navigational hazard, or simply the most autumn-themed disaster the Lake has seen in years.

BREAKING: New Research Reveals Stark Caverns Was Actually the Lake’s First Storage UnitHistorians now confirm that Stark...
12/09/2025

BREAKING: New Research Reveals Stark Caverns Was Actually the Lake’s First Storage Unit

Historians now confirm that Stark Caverns originally functioned as the very first storage unit at Lake of the Ozarks. Long before climate-controlled metal buildings filled every highway and hillside, locals simply shoved their extra gear into cold limestone tunnels. Early residents reportedly stored everything from old dock parts to mismatched life jackets—items that somehow looked exactly like what people still store today.

Experts say this new finding explains the Lake’s current obsession with building storage units at record pace. With U-Haul now constructing a massive complex near Osage National, it appears we’re simply carrying on a proud tradition of tucking our junk safely underground. Some things never change… they just get monthly rental fees.

Stark Caverns

🗞️ IN CASE YOU MISSED IT — LAST WEEK AT THE LAKE• 🦃🔥 Osage Beach family accidentally deep-fries entire trash can after m...
12/08/2025

🗞️ IN CASE YOU MISSED IT — LAST WEEK AT THE LAKE

• 🦃🔥 Osage Beach family accidentally deep-fries entire trash can after mistaking it for the turkey. Fire crews report “no injuries, just shame.”
• 🦅 Bald eagle drops a whole cat through a windshield on Highway 54 — driver calls 911 in pure panic. Only at the Lake.
• ☀️ Local scientist Trav warns auroras prove “Earth’s magnetic shield is Swiss cheese,” predicts grid collapse around 2035. Interns reviewing his PowerPoint.
• 🛩️ Low-flying yellow planes to skim treetops across Missouri & Illinois — officials say “totally normal,” locals say “they’re hunting Spanish gold.”
• 🎄 Highway 5 ‘Tree Relocation Crew’ caught stealing yard trees and redecorating them along the road — festive or felony? Still unclear.
• 🦦 Battle-scarred “Otter King” takes over docks at The Fish Co., demanding tribute from all patrons before allowing them to step off their boats.

12/07/2025

🚨 BREAKING: LOZcal News Network has officially hit 2,000 followers, which our research team has confirmed is exactly double 1,000.

Thank you to everyone who has liked, shared, tagged friends, argued in the comments, and sent screenshots to group chats with, “this is TOO real.”

In true LOZcal fashion, we will only celebrate when this number doubles… so we’ll see you again at 4,000.

Until then, please continue to consume your fake news responsibly. 🛟🌊

12/07/2025

“THE BANNISTER HOLLOW BANDIT”

Residents in Mack’s Creek are scratching their heads tonight after a lone donkey — now nicknamed The Bannister Hollow Bandit — wandered onto a family’s property and has refused to leave since 4:30 PM. Witnesses say the donkey has been calmly grazing, staring into windows, and “judging everyone’s life choices” with unsettling confidence.

One neighbor claims it walked up to their porch like it was delivering Amazon packages. Another says the donkey attempted to push its way into their mudroom “like it pays rent.” Officials are asking anyone missing a donkey — or anyone whose donkey has recently filed for independence — to contact local authorities.

12/06/2025

🥔 “CAMDENTON’S MIDNIGHT MASHED POTATO BANDIT STRIKES AGAIN”

CAMDENTON, MO — Several Camdenton residents say they’ve woken up to find a fresh, steaming bowl of mashed potatoes mysteriously placed on their front porches between 2–3 a.m. Ring doorbell footage shows a few hooded figures creeping up the steps, gently setting down a perfectly smoothed bowl of potatoes and running away like guilty Thanksgiving elves.

No one knows who the “Mashed Potato Bandits” are or why they’re doing it, but locals agree on one thing: the potatoes look shockingly well-seasoned.

12/06/2025

“Reverse Parade Causes Forward Confusion”

CAMDENTON — City officials say the annual Christmas parade will look a little different this year — literally. In a bold experiment to avoid cancellations and frostbite, the “Reverse Parade” will feature floats parked in the turning lane, while spectators drive past them in their cars.

Unfortunately, locals are already expressing concern.
🚗 “So, we just… drive in traffic and stare at blinking reindeer?” one confused resident asked.
🚓 Police have confirmed they’ll be monitoring for “reindeer necking” — a new term coined for drivers getting distracted by floats and rear-ending the car in front of them.

Organizers say the new setup should prevent weather-related cancellations, though it may introduce an all-new hazard: synchronized road rage.

12/06/2025

🟣 BREAKING: CAMDENTON SCHOOLS EXPERIENCE DISTRICT-WIDE MELTDOWN AFTER STUDENTS REALIZE IT’S THE 67TH DAY OF SCHOOL

CAMDENTON, MO — Teachers across the Camdenton School District reported a complete collapse of classroom focus this morning after every student, seemingly on the same cosmic wavelength, suddenly realized it was the 67th day of school. According to staff, the moment the attendance boards flipped to “67,” kids erupted into chants of “six… seven!” like they were at a playoff game. Multiple classes halted entirely as students leapt into the viral 6/7 trend, which no adult fully understands but all have been forcibly made aware of.

Administrators attempted to restore order, but reports say even they were caught whispering “six… seven” under their breath by lunchtime. One overwhelmed teacher described the experience as “flashbacks to TikTok trends we thought were dead.” Despite the disruption, officials say morale remains high, learning will probably resume tomorrow, and that whatever 6/7 means… they hope it stops before the 78th day.

12/05/2025

🐒 BREAKING: NEW PROPERTY MANAGEMENT COMPANY TRAINING MONKEYS TO CLEAN LAKE RENTALS

LAKE OF THE OZARKS, MO — A brand-new cleaning startup called MonkeyShine Vacation Cleaners has announced it will use trained monkeys to handle turnovers for condos and Airbnbs. The company claims the primates can strip beds, restock toiletries, and vacuum faster than most humans — though early tests show they sometimes replace towel animals with banana piles. Locals say they’re cautiously optimistic, noting that “as long as they show up and don’t hide the TV remote, they’re already better than the last cleaning crew.”

Despite reassurance that the monkeys are supervised and well cared for, Missouri wildlife officials have already asked the company to “please not expand into landscaping.” Even so, MonkeyShine says bookings for 2026 are nearly full as owners rush to secure the lake’s first primate-powered cleaning service.

12/04/2025

🕰️THROWBACK THURSDAY

🌭 WALL WIENERS: Osage Beach Hardware Store Debuts Infinite Hot Dog Prototype

Home Depot shoppers in Osage Beach were caught completely off guard this weekend when aisle 7 unveiled something no one expected: an infinite hot dog extruding directly from the wall. Yes, you read that right — a Wall Wiener. Attached to the cinderblock is what officials are calling a “sustained meat extrusion unit,” spitting out hot dog continuously until a handy table saw setup allows hungry customers to slice off the desired dog-length for immediate consumption.

The pilot program — quietly installed near the lumber section — is being monitored closely by a mysterious group of corporate engineers and one guy named Steve. Hot dogs are served on-site in buns, complete with basic condiment packets, and customers are encouraged to “grab a glizzy and get back to pricing plywood.” If the concept catches on, it could be rolled out to hardware stores across America. If not? Osage Beach gets to say they tried.

⚠️ Warning signs are posted but ignored. Eat at your own risk. The wiener does not turn off.

12/03/2025

BREAKING: MoDOT TESTS NEW “MORTON MEGA-SALT BLEND” AFTER MONDAY’S SURPRISE SNOWFALL

LAKE OF THE OZARKS, MO — After Monday’s fast-moving snow caught half the Lake area sliding around like a newborn deer, MoDOT has announced they’re testing a bold new approach to road treatment. Instead of standard rock salt, trucks were spotted this morning spreading what officials are calling a “Morton Mega-Salt Blend” — an experimental, brightly colored mix designed to melt ice faster and make it easier for drivers to see treated lanes.

Residents reported seeing glowing streaks of color across several highways. One witness said, “If this doesn’t melt the ice, at least it’ll look like Mario Kart out here.” MoDOT says the blend is still in testing but assures drivers it’s “100% safe, mostly practical, and way better than whatever we did yesterday.”

Officials warn that another snow system may or may not arrive in the next 7 days, depending on which local Facebook meteorologist you ask.

Address

Lake Of The Ozarks
Osage Beach, MO

Telephone

+15735553377

Website

Alerts

Be the first to know and let us send you an email when LOZcal News Network posts news and promotions. Your email address will not be used for any other purpose, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

Contact The Business

Send a message to LOZcal News Network:

Shortcuts

Share

Category