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LOZcal News Network, Lake of the Ozarks, Osage Beach, MO (2025)

10/10/2025

🎃 Local Pumpkin Patch Installs Security After Teens Keep ‘Adopting’ Pumpkins Without Paying

BRUMLEY, MO — The owner of The Cave Pumpkin Patch says he’s had enough after a recent rise in what he calls “pumpkin adoptions without consent.” Security cameras have been added after several groups of local teens were caught sneaking out with armfuls of gourds under sweatshirts.

“We’re not mad—they just need to commit to carving them responsibly,” said owner Harold Denton. “If they’re gonna take a pumpkin, at least post a picture of it lit up with some pride.” Signs now warn visitors that “pumpkin lifters will be squashed,” and management has started labeling each pumpkin with names like Steve and Debbie to “humanize the inventory.”

the_cave_pumpkin_patch

10/09/2025

🐻 Sunrise Beach Bear Conspiracy?
Residents were stunned after spotting two bears in a backyard, appearing to be locked in what looked like a serious negotiation rather than a fight. Witnesses insist the pair was “clearly communicating,” sparking theories of a coordinated trash heist.

🚨 Authorities have boosted surveillance at marinas and campsites, warning residents to report sightings to the (not real) Lozcal Wildlife Task Force.

10/09/2025

🚤 Bandwagon Alert: Locals Spotted Aboard Jaguars-Themed Boat After Chiefs Loss

LAKE OF THE OZARKS — In a shocking twist of post-game betrayal, several local bandwagon fans were reportedly spotted cruising near the Niangua Arm Tuesday morning — aboard what appeared to be a Jacksonville Jaguars-themed boat.

Eyewitnesses say the teal-and-gold vessel drew attention from die-hard Chiefs fans across the cove. One onlooker, watching from his dock, shouted in disbelief:

“I don’t care if we were beat by Trevor Lawrence and his last-minute efforts — I’m Chief’s kingdom for life!”

The sighting has already sparked heated debates across Lake Facebook groups, with some calling it “an act of football treason” and others insisting it’s “just a phase until the next bandwagon docks.”

10/08/2025

🐍💰Burmese Python Den Discovered Near Lake; Officials Offer Reward for Verified Sightings

LAKE OF THE OZARKS — Missouri conservation officers confirmed this week that a den of non-native Burmese pythons was discovered in a wooded area near the lake. Biologists say the animals pose a potential risk to local wildlife and pet safety if left unchecked. The Department of Conservation is urging residents to assist in eradicating these snakes.

Officials announced a modest reward of $31.38 for verified tips that lead to the capture. Residents with photos, video, or precise GPS locations will not be rewarded. They are asking that these snakes be wrangled and brought in clear bags to their nearest city hall.

10/07/2025

🚧 Rumors Swirl Around New KK Crossing Development

OSAGE BEACH, MO — Locals are buzzing after renderings of the upcoming KK Crossing Plaza hit social media this week. While developers promise “modern retail and restaurant spaces,” a leaked tenant list suggests the new strip may have more personality than polish.

According to early chatter, potential businesses include Dockside Divorce Mediation, Hillbilly Pilates, and even Bait & Botox, where you can “tighten your line and your jawline.” Other rumored tenants? The Wake & Bake Café, LakeLeaks Coffee & Gossip Bar, and a Permanent Spirit Halloween (finally).

One local commented, “If they add a Boat Broker/Divorce Attorney combo, they’ll corner the whole market.” Developers have not confirmed any of these tenants, but signs point to something wild brewing at the lake’s newest hot spot.

macadoodlesosagebeach

10/06/2025

🗞️ ICYMI: This Week at the Lake

☕ 7 Brew Bust: Woman loops the drive-thru a dozen times for free drinks — leaves in cuffs and caffeine.
🐶 Firehouse Fling: Spot + Lucky = 101 Dalmatian pups. Both departments overwhelmed but “feeling pawsitive.”
🚽 Toilet Paper Scandal: Property managers fired for installing rolls under instead of over. Outrage ensues.
📞 Payphones Return: Locals prepare to call grandma with quarters again.
🎃 Spirit Halloween Mall Takeover: The outlet mall finally lives — just in time for the undead.
🍏 Apple Fest Mix-Up: Versailles gets 300 crates of zucchini. Caramel zucchini sticks debut soon.
🧾 Eagle Eye Agnes: 78-year-old Walmart checker tackles a “receipt rebel.” Employee of the Month secured.
☁️ Chemtrail Chaos: Locals connect sky stripes to missing flamingos. Officials say: “It’s just planes.”
🏆 Lake Walk of Fame: Strip may soon get its own Hollywood-style stars — nominations open.

⸻

10/06/2025

🌭 Oscar Mayer Unveils “Wiener Boats” for Lake of the Ozarks 🌊

Oscar Mayer has announced plans to launch Wiener Boats for weekend rentals at Lake of the Ozarks starting next summer. LOZcal News Network got an exclusive sneak peek of the 22-foot pontoon designed like a giant floating hot dog, complete with bun-shaped bumpers, ketchup-and-mustard seating, and a built-in grill.

“This is the evolution of lake life,” a company rep said while handing out Oscar Mayer whistles. Rumors suggest brat boats and even a chili-dog party barge could follow if the fleet proves successful — though locals are already debating slip sizes, condiment stains, and ketchup vs. mustard policies.

Oscar Mayer

10/05/2025

🍁 Ozark Entrepreneur Charges $5 to View His Trees

OSAGE BEACH, MO — Fall colors are here, and one local man has turned his yard into the hottest ticket in town. Residents say Charles “Chuck” Denman is now charging $5 a car to park in front of his property and admire the two bright red maples that turned early this season.

“I pay the water bill, I rake the leaves, and I’ve got the best color on this street. Why shouldn’t I cash in?” Chuck told reporters while waving a neon posterboard that read “Foliage Parking $5 — Venmo Accepted.” Neighbors are split — some call it “entrepreneurship at its finest,” while others complain traffic jams are clogging up their cul-de-sac.

Officials have not yet confirmed if a permit is required to monetize tree-gazing. In the meantime, Chuck says business is booming: “Next week I’ll add a $2 surcharge for selfies.”

10/05/2025

🚧 New “Cloverstack Overpass” Proposal Could Send Camdenton Drivers Straight to the Clouds

CAMDENTON, MO — After the long-awaited $4 million plan to fix the Highway 54 and Route 5 intersection was shelved, a new developer has swooped in with what he calls a “visionary, multilayered traffic solution.” The proposal includes a four-tier cloverleaf overpass system that would allow westbound travelers to soar over Camdenton entirely — while Lebanon commuters could merge directly onto a skyway bypass stretching from south of town to just past Linn Creek.

Local residents are calling it “the Branson Landing of highways,” while others are wondering if it’ll require toll booths, oxygen tanks, or FAA clearance. “If we can’t fix one stoplight, maybe we just build over it,” said one local. Early renderings show a spaghetti bowl of ramps, bridges, and observation decks where Walmart used to have the best parking spots. City leaders say they’re open to ideas, as long as someone else pays for it and it includes “a nice place to get coffee halfway up.”

Lake Expo

10/04/2025

Property Management Firm Fired After Toilet Paper Scandal

LAKE OZARK — A property management company overseeing Airbnb and VRBO rentals has been fired by multiple owners after repeatedly replacing toilet paper rolls in the underhanded style, sparking outrage from property owners who insist the scientifically proven method is over the roll.

The company’s name hasn’t been released, but frustrated owners say if they can’t even get toilet paper right, they can’t be trusted with guest towels.

10/04/2025

🚨 Breaking News: Firehouse Love Story Sparks 101 Puppies! 🚨

OSAGE BEACH — In an unexpected twist of fate, Spot, the beloved Dalmatian mascot of the Osage Beach Fire Department, reportedly broke free from her handlers last week and trotted all the way to Lake Ozark. Witnesses say she made a beeline for Lucky, the Lake Ozark Fire Department’s own spotted star.

Now, fire crews from both towns are scrambling to make room in their stations after Spot became a proud mother — to a staggering litter of 101 Dalmatian puppies. Locals are already joking about “101 new recruits” being added to the departments, though officials admit they’re still figuring out how to fund enough dog food to keep operations running smoothly.

10/03/2025

📞 Lake Area Braces for Return of Payphones 📞

LAKE OF THE OZARKS, MO — With tourist season winding down and the population of Lake of the Ozarks thinning out, locals may notice their cell signal getting weaker. Telecom companies reportedly scale back tower strength in the off-season, leaving many year-round residents frustrated with dropped calls.

But fear not — payphones are making a comeback. Crews have already started installing the first units outside high-traffic spots like grocery stores and gas stations. “It’s like 1997 all over again,” said one resident. Officials explained the move is temporary, ensuring folks can “still call their grandma when Verizon gives up in December.”

Whether it’s dialing a buddy from the strip or phoning in your Casey’s pizza order, Lake residents may soon find themselves digging for quarters again.

LOZcal News Network

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