One Special Soul-yne

11/12/2023

That chocolate bar you gave me,
That was broken up in three,
The one that made me cry,
And you got mad at me.

Those stairs you walked down first,
As I walked behind,
The ones that made me cry,
Cause I like going first you'll find.

The breakfast that you gave me,
With my spoon of chocolate spread,
I'm sorry that I cried,
For the way you cut my bread.

Those chicken nuggets I love,
Weren't cooked just right today,
I'm sorry that I cried,
I can't help being this way.

I know I make things hard for you,
But I don't know how to change
I am sorry that I cried
For all that I find strange.

You see I have my ways,
And I know these frustrate you,
And I'm sorry that I cried,
But they get me frustrated too..

You see I am made different.
It's hard to understand.
I have heard it is called Autism,
And I need a helping hand.

To me it's all I know,
And all I ask of you…
Is to please try to see it,
From my point of view.

I don't do things to be naughty,
Or want to spoil your day.
I just don't know how to be,
Any other way. 🙁

- Heartfelt.

11/12/2023

Yes!🤍

Spreading Autism awareness with your help!🎗️ Mama of a beautiful girl named Soulyne💛✨

11/12/2023

“It takes someone special to do what you do.” She said after I explained our situation.

After I told her about my daughter and her disability.
After I mentioned her additional needs and explosive behaviours.
After I said she was barely able to converse and has a developmental delay.

“I couldn’t do it. Well done to you. You’re doing a good job.” She said with a look in her eye like she felt a little sorry for me rather than impressed.

I smiled. Not really knowing what to say back.

I wanted to tell her that there are some days that I can’t do it either.

That there are days that I can’t take another early start or broken sleep.

That there are days that I can’t take another broken item or food refusal.

That there are days that I can’t answer another call from a specialist or read another email from a provider.

That there are days when I don’t have any patience left to guide another meltdown or regulate another crisis.

That there are days when I am not doing a good job. When I’ve snapped because I’ve had food thrown at me for the fourth time this week. Or when my own anger rumbles in the pit of my stomach and growls from my mouth because sometimes, it hurts. All of it. The journey, the days, the behaviours, the permanency.

And I want to tell her that there are days that I don’t do it well. When the walls close in and chaos ensues and it halts me in my tracks, almost paralyzing me with fear of the what ifs and when’s and I close my eyes and I think to myself, “I didn’t sign up for this. I didn’t think it would be like this.”

I wanted to tell her that, no it doesn’t take someone special. Not at all. I’m not someone special. I’m just her mama..
I still battle anxiety and depressive episodes. I still get it wrong and I still fall down constantly. I still don’t love every minute of every day of this life. I still don’t always know what to do. I still don’t always want to endure the hard parts.

But I do.

Every single day, I make a conscious, deliberate and intentional decisions, and sometimes a nearly impossible effort, to be a Special Needs Mama.

It doesn’t come naturally. I wasn’t born to do this. I’m not someone special.

I created who I am. I learnt to be what she needed. I researched and trained and learned and grew. From the ground up. Through the darkness and despair, I shaped me, for her.

I’m a Special Needs Mama and while that takes an enormous amount of strength to be every single day, it’s not formed effortlessly.

Loving her and being her Mama is, absolutely the easiest part. But the other parts, not always.

Keep going dear Mama, I know you too, don’t feel like you were made for this, but you can still do it. Keep going. We got this!

💙❤️💚💛